Top Five Fridays: Television Thanksgivings

Sure, spending Thanksgiving around a giant table with your closest friends and family and gorging yourself on unreasonable portions of dead bird, stuffing, noodles, mashed potatoes and cranberry is lovely, but wouldn’t you rather celebrate such a holiday with a group of strangers? Especially when those strangers have glib conversations with one another, exchanging witty one liners as they pass around platters of beautifully prepared traditional foods, and whose dysfunction is merely a means to a comical end, instead of the a fuel of awkwardness that makes everyone at the table wish they had eaten someplace else. I mean, if your grandmother falls piss drunk, face first into a plate of mashed potatoes and gravy, it’s time to stage an intervention, but if it happens on TV, you’ll probably find yourself wishing your family were as festive and fun-loving! So now, as you think back on the wonderful day that was your family Thanksgiving, reeling from your tryptophan hangover, check out the following, my favorite Television Thanksgivings:

 

5.  3rd Rock From the Sun – “Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick” – November 24, 1996 – (2×10)

I suppose if you were an alien, the concept of Thanksgiving would seem rather absurd. Such is the basis for the Thanksgiving episode of this somewhat forgetable sitcom. When the Solomons notice that everyone around them is hoarding food for some elusive event in the near future, they rightfully assume that the apocalypse is coming. Still, in an effort to appear, in the know, they decide to host their own Thanksgiving dinner with the help of their earthling friends. Hilary ensues, sort of.

4.  Roseanne - “We Gather Together” – November 21, 1989 – (2×9)

Well, no list of favorite holiday episodes would be complete without mentioning Roseanne (I might love this show a little too much). I’m going to be honest though, the Thanksgiving episodes all sort of blend together. The Conners are a family’s family so spending 22 minutes at their holiday table, is pretty similar to real life, except that I can turn it off when things get iffy. In this, the show’s first Thanksgiving episode, Jackie and Bev are the main event, bitching and fighting all day long about the series of unfortunate events that is Jackie’s life.  Bev: So you didn’t invite anyone? Jackie: Uhh, no, you know me, Mom, all my boyfriends like to spend Thanksgiving with their wives! Meanwhile, Roseanne’s been up since the ass crack of down “stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt,” all so I have something to laugh at for the rest of my life.

3. Full House – “The Miracle of Thanksgiving” – November 20, 1987 – (1×9)

Oh lord, how about you take this opportunity of a holiday special to make be roll around on the floor bawling like a baby. I GET IT JEFF FRANKLIN! PAM TANNER IS DEAD AND NOW HOLIDAYS ARE UNBEARABLE! Leave my heartstrings alone already. Oof. So it’s the first Thanksgiving at the Tanner house since mother Pam’s untimely death, so little D.J. (seriously “little,” she’s like 10) takes it upon herself to prepare a traditional feast for her new “blended” family. NOTHING goes right, the bird is all burnt, Steph drops a pie and worst of all, D.J. is forced to dress like Laura Ingalls. Oh and what you might ask is most sad about this? How about the part where Uncle Jesse takes the girls up to his room to look at photos of their mother and then Danny “forgot how much the girls looked like Pam.” I surrender, bring me some tissues.

2.  The Wonder Years – “The Ties That Bind” – November 14, 1990 – (4×7)

Be careful, this one will get ya! Oh, but what episode of The Wonders Years DOESN’T leave me an emotional wreck? Things are getting pretty tight at the Arnold house, and when the stove eats it, it looks like it’s going to be Thanksgiving at the soup kitchen. But then, right in the nick of time Jack gets a promotion at work! It’s going to be a wonderful holiday after all. Oh wait, NO! His new job means that he’s going to have to travel, and miss his family Thanksgiving. Looks like that new job was a double edged sword there Mr. Arnold, as well as a reminder that sometimes things aren’t better on television. It also begs the question, “Why can’t you just eat the Turkey on say, Saturday?” Oh right, because then I wouldn’t be upset for 45 minutes wondering if Jack will make it to his family Thanksgiving or not, whilst simultaneously ignoring my OWN family in order to watch television. If only MY life were narrated. . .

1.  Friends – “The One with the Football” – November 21, 1996 – (3×9)

Friends really outdid themselves when it came to Thanksgiving, and this episode just happens to be my favorite. It’s possibly because we finally get the gang outside of the confines of their apartments or Central Perk and into “the city,” which is quite clearly a patch of grass inside a studio. Or it COULD be because of a wonderful prop called the Gellar Cup, which is, as one of the friends so aptly described, “a troll doll nailed to a two by four.” While Monica cooks, the gang watches football on television, which leads to an impromptu touch football game in the park, where competition is FIERCE. Also, Phoebe is donning a That Girl shirt, and though that has NO bearing on, well, anything, I still felt like mentioning it because I’ve so oft wondered where she got it and why she owned it. Think about it, she was a homeless teenager, when would she have had time to watch That Girl?

Character Spotlight: Samantha Newly

Show: Samantha Who?

Character: Samantha Newly

Played Oh-So-Winningly By: Christina Applegate

In a Nutshell: There are two Samantha Newly’s, actually. The first is who Sam used to be-  the selfish, bitchy, cutthroat 30 year-old vice president of a real estate company who lives to torment the little people who deign to live at her feet. Fortunately, for all of mankind, that Sam suffers a hit-and-run accident and then retrograde amnesia, forcing her to start living with a clean slate. Without all the hang-ups that led her to be the world’s biggest bully, Sam is now as sweet and guileless as can be (though not as “special” as that photo on the left would suggest), with the occasional horrifying flash of her old self. As the (short-lived. I hate you, ABC) series progresses, Sam is faced with more and more memories and constantly struggles with being the kind of good person she wants to be, all while traces of her old selfishness and vanity keep popping up at every turn. Along for the ride are her long-suffering ex-boyfriend/roommate Todd, old friend Dena who is well-meaning but exactly that type of woman you avoid at the dog park, her best friend Andrea (who loved the old, bitchy Sam), and her awesomely hilarious parents Howard and Regina (Jean Smart, who is on the list “Actors Who Should Star in Absolutely Everything”). Oh, and her doorman Frank who absolutely reviles her after years of brutal mistreatment from the old Sam.

Why We’ll Never Forget (Too much?): Oh, SAM. A high-concept like this could’ve been such a disaster but Samantha Who? made it work. A lot of that credit goes to the strong writing and the fantastic supporting characters but don’t underestimate Christina Applegate’s performance. As Sam, she’s an old-fashioned screwball comedy ingenue (I mean, really. Shouldn’t she have been forced to leave Ingenue Town a decade ago? Apparently not), eagerly hopping through the fast-paced episodes and the comical misunderstandings and embarrassing situations that hit her from every direction. In Applegate’s hands, Sam is adorable and funny and nowhere near as cloying as she could be- the flashes of horrible old Sam (with her pin-straight hair and killer short skirts, bad Sam actually looks a lot like you’d imagine Kelly Bundy would turn out if she had money. Maybe she should work for a fashion designer! I hear referee-style school uniforms are hot these days) are definitely a help, especially when they lead to new Sam’s equally horrified reaction to them.

Favorite Moments: Do yourself a favor and just watch. everything.

Six Degrees Challenge: To Judi

Six Degrees: NTO Style

to

Camryn Manheim

The Challenge: I made the connection from Kirk Cameron to Camryn Manheim in 3 Degrees. If Judi can do equal or better, she wins 10 points + 5 bonus points IF she stays within the confines of television. If YOU, the reader, can do better AND post it in the comments before Judi posts her answer to the bottom of this post, YOU get a prize. Seriously, something terrific will show up on your door step within one calendar year.

The Rules: No online research allowed. ESPECIALLY IMDB!! Come on, it’s a GAME, half the fun is PLAYING not CHEATING. Any and all research conducted at your local library is accepted and encouraged. Connections through television AND movies are accepted, relationships are not.

Challenge Accepted (Judi): Oh, Beal. You little minx. At first, I was intimidated by the relatively small TV rosters for Manheim and our own Mike Seaver. But you should’ve known better than to start with a Cameron. Here’s how I did it:

Top Five Fridays: “You Are Not My Father!” Moments (Continued)

5.  Andrew Lawrence to Joey Lawrence in Horse Sense - Disney Channel Original Movie – November 20, 1999

So fine, Andrew Lawrence doesn’t actually utter “You’re not my father,” but the meaning is all the same AND I’ve been dying to mention Horse Sense since this blog’s inception. In a classic diluted-rich-kid-learns-the-meaning-of-hard-work SLASH hardworking-poor-people-are-about-to-lose-the-family-ranch plot, little Andrew teaches Joey a thing or two about hard work and family. Then, in an effort to prove to him how far he’s come (both in work ethic and playing a father figure type) Joey completes the tree house Andrew had been working on alone since his father passed away. When the kid arrives home to find his cousin putting the finishing touches on the LAST REMAINING TIE TO HIS DECEASED FATHER he has a come-apart, scurries up the ladder and starts to rip it apart, all the while yelling, “This is mine and MY FATHER’S! MY FATHER’S!! NOT YOURS” etc. Please FF to the 7 minute mark to see this doozie of a clip.

4.  Julia/Baily/Claudia to Charlie in Party of Five – “Pilot” – September 12, 1994

Again, sorry, fine, so “You’re not my father” is only implied here. Lay off, I had a long week (of quality time with my own father no less). At any rate, no show could pull the ol’ dead-parents-heart-string quite like Party of Five, which they did in droves. Remember the pilot episode, when they’re all just becoming accustomed to the lives of well-to-do orphans, as barely-older brother Charlie takes on the responsibility of raising his sassy siblings? First, it’s Julia that tells Charlie to fuck off and then Claudia (AFTER PAWNING HER VIOLIN FOR MONEY!) shuts him down and finally Bailey exclaims, “A piece of paper does not make you a parent.” You’re right, Bailey, so quit bitching about skipping “practice” to supervise annoying baby Owen already.

3.  D.J. Tanner to Joey Gladstone in Full House – “Joey Gets Tough” – November 25, 1988

CLASSIC! This blog might as well be called “I <3 Full House.” Not only does this show make half the lists on here, but this episode appeared as #1 only a few weeks ago and with good reason! When Joey, the house door mat, gets lambasted by Danny for being too easy on the girls, “Joey gets tough,” grounding D.J. for coming home late from karate practice. FORCING her to proclaim “You’re not my father!” before dramatically storming up the stairs to her room, all whilst clad in martial arts attire. Now, first of all punishing your child for coming home late from, say, a drug-induced underground rave is one thing. Grounding them for merely staying after practice to discuss strategy for an upcoming tournament, is quite another. If I were D.J. I’d surely have said, “Good. I hate participating in after school sports activities and I thank you for freeing up my weekend for some serious television time.” This probably spawns from the fact that I was K.O.’d in a karate tournament myself, circa 1993.

2.  Steve Sanders to Rush Sanders in Beverly Hills, 90210 - “Angels We Have Heard on High” – December 20, 1995

Sheesh. Steve’s father Rush (what a name!) was such a dick. Sure Steve was a bit of a rich brat but he never did anything that awful, especially in the eyes of an absent father who is generally proud of the early indicators of a future in shady business practices. And poor Steve, adopted son of a family sitcom star and a rich business man and from a broken home! It’s not his fault he delivered the sexy negligee to that dude’s daughter and the Easy Bake Oven (or whatever dumb toy) to the guy’s mistress. SOMEONE ELSE PUT THE LABELS ON THE PACKAGES! And of all things for Rush to really lose his shit over. Like what? You’re mad at me because I accidentally revealed to a nice lady and her young daughter that her husband/father was a cheating bastard. SOOOOORRR—RRRRYY!! Let’s also not forget that Steve finds out that Rush IS his real father, that he knocked up some waitress in the desert, and BOUGHT the baby from her to raise with his wife. Talk about nothing to be proud of, Rush! Unfortunately (and unbelievably) this clip cannot be found on the Intertron. So I offer you this bit of dialogue to act out with a partner:

Rush Sanders: I always knew you were stupid, but I never thought you’d be so self-destructive!
Steve Sanders: Thanks for the support, as usual.
Rush Sanders: Oh, good sonny boy. Keep up that sarcasm on the unemployment line.
Steve Sanders: What does that mean?
Rush Sanders: It means you lost your job at ITM, and you embarrassed the hell out of me considering that I was the one that got you that job in the first place. Scott Coveny told me to tell you that you’re finished there.
Steve Sanders: What are you talking about?
Rush Sanders: You messed up is what I’m talking about! You delivered the present that Scott was sending to his mistress to his niece. His wife’s sister’s kid got a leather bustier. His mistress got a Holly Home Maker oven! What the hell is wrong with you, you idiot? That note that was included in the bustier is gonna cost Scott a fortune now since his wife is now going to sue him for divorce.
Steve Sanders: [incredulous] Dad, I just delivered the packages to the addresses on the labels. I didn’t write them. I didn’t screw up. Somebody else did.
Rush Sanders: Somebody else screwed up. That’s your MO, kiddo. Did you just make that up, or did you rehearse it in front of a mirror before saying it to me? Yeah… sure, you mess up and it’s always somebody else’s fault. You used that same excuse last year for the bloody fire.
Steve Sanders: You know what? I don’t need to take that crap from you. That’s your MO. I didn’t do anything wrong and you never believe me. I got nothing further to explain to you, ’cause you just will not believe me.
Rush Sanders: Sometimes I’m ashamed to call a loser like you my son.
Steve Sanders: Then don’t bother. You’re not my father anyway!
Rush Sanders: Don’t say that.

Steve Sanders: Why not? You’re not my father! You’ve got nothing to be ashamed about and neither do I.

1.  Will to Uncle Phil in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air – “Papa’s Got a Brand New Excuse” – May 9, 1994

Go ahead and cue the tears. THERE’S SOMETHING IN MY EYE! In a show that was generally zany to the max (I mean look at all the neon up in there- “to the max” is an acceptable phrase) this episode really takes us to a new place EMOTIONALLY. I’m pretty sure that this fine episode is the reason that Will Smith was able to go on to a lucrative career in “dramatic” film acting.  Will’s deadbeat father Lou shows up in Bel Air and makes big summer vacay plans with Will. I wonder where this is going! In an effort to “protect” Will’s feelings, Uncle Phil tries to put the kibosh on Will’s trip, leaving Will with only one option: “YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER!” Oh and don’t worry, he eats it later (I mean, I don’t mean to be a dick, Will, but Uncle Phil did tell you so) when bum Lou eludes Will’s undying love yet again. “Why don’t he want me?” OMG! This episode is just heart-wrenching! Question: What is keeping Will’s mom in Philly? Why doesn’t she move in with the Banks? Or at least to L.A.? I feel like she doesn’t really love him either. Is that cold?

Top Five Fridays: “You Are Not My Father!” Moments

I’m not going to lie, you guys. I am REALLY excited about today’s list.

I love the “You’re NOT my father!” moment of pretty much anything. One of our most gloriously over-used cliches in both TV and film, it’s pretty self-explanatory. A well-meaning authority figure tries to instill a little wisdom or caring and the uncaring brat responds with that most below-the-belt of blows- “You are not my biological parent.” It’s best when used in a sitcom so there’s a proper storm-out or run up the stairs (A Full House specialty, the run up the stairs) and the studio audience can go, “Ooooooooooh.” I highly encourage you to say, “Oooooh” at the end of each entry, it really does make a world of difference.

5. Shawn Hunter to Mr. Turner in “Cult Fiction” on Boy Meets World (1997)

Ah yes, the classic “Cult Fiction” episode. Occasionally, a series will whip out the old “main character joins a cult” situation (Kelly on 90210, Tori Spelling and that religion that’s supposed to be Scientology on So Notorious, Veronica Mars tries to live on that farm in that one episode) and who doesn’t love TV’s squishy take on what a cult is really like (namely, there is so much hugging involved that this can’t be kosher). When it comes to Boy Meets World, poor (ha ha ha, SHAWN’S POOR!) Shawn Hunter has been having a hard time of it lately- his trailer trash lifestyle has become even more trailer-tastic after his dad takes off after his wayward mom and leaves Shawn in the care of first the Matthews (who clearly don’t know what to do with someone who wears so much flannel and doesn’t appreciate clean cut wisecracks from a little sis) and then oh-so-cool teacher Mr. Turner, not at all sketchy for a single man with a Jheri-curl to take in a teenage boy. When Shawn takes up with the Huggers, Mr. Turner steps in and obviously Shawn’s not going to listen to someone who is NOT HIS FATHER. Don’t you ever watch television, Mr. Turner? God.

4. Jessie Spano to her New Stepmom in “Palm Springs Weekend I & II” on Saved By the Bell (1991)

Some woman at the hotel where the SBTB Palm Springs episode was filmed. I love the internet.

This is the Saved By the Bell episode where you muttered to yourself, “I think there’s something wrong with Jessie Spano.” She REALLY hates her new stepmom to-be. Like, tries to drown her in the Palm Springs pool hates-her (not ok, Mama). Although, if I were forced to wear that heinous bridesmaid dress, I might also consider making snide remarks about my dad’s fiance’s youth and inappropriate hotness to everyone too. I mean, she’s a aerobics instructor for God’s sake. I think we all know why this wedding is taking place.

But don’t worry. Zack Morris, next door neighbor, best friend, always there with a snappy blazer, is there for some friendly advice. Namely, suck it up and get back to the wedding, in the name of all that is holy so we can end this episode and move on to California Dreams where I think Jake and Tiffani are about to hook up in the gang’s garage thisisthebestSaturdaymorningever!

3.Tracy Morgan to Everyone Who Tries to Tell Him What To Do in “Rosemary’s Baby” on 30 Rock (2007)

You have no idea how much I wish there was a clip of this scene. Basically, Tracy has an issue- whenever an authority figure (Jack, in this case) tells him not to do something, he has to do it. Even dog-fighting, the most repulsive thing a person could do (which Grizz and Dot-Com hilariously try to circumvent by recruiting poodles). When Jack tries to talk some sense into Tracy, he retorts, “You’re not my dad!” And prompts a series of flashbacks when Tracy was a little boy, played by Elijah Cook who is SPOT-ON with an attitudinal delivery that just kills me every time. It goes something like this:

“Tracy, don’t play with matches!”

“You’re not my dad!”

“Tracy, don’t stare directly at the sun! It’ll make you crazy!”

“You’re not my dad!”

And my favorite- little Tracy’s dressed for church in a red dress and matching hat. “Tracy! You’re not going out dressed like that!”

“You’re not my dad!”

AAAAAND scene. Seriously, Hulu, I can’t believe you want to charge me and yet you don’t even have that clip. Pathetic.

2. Buffy Summers to Ted (John Ritter) in “Ted” on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

In one of Buffy’s greatest episodes ever, John Ritter plays Ted, new boyfriend to Buffy’s mother, poor suffering Joyce. Everything seems dandy except Buffy thinks he’s a giant creep. Nobody else does though, since Ted’s making these cookies with dreamy tranquilizers in them, that make everyone just love the guy. We see flashes of the real Ted though, when he tries to smack Buffy around and it’s all the more creepy and awful because nobody sees it or is really on her side. So when she has enough and roundhouse kicks him down the stairs, it’s a short-lived rush of satisfaction. See, Buffy actually kills Ted and the ramifications of her killing a person, not a demon or a vampire, are pretty heady. (Not to mention the most dramatic “You’re not my father!” overreaction ever).

Luckily for all of us, he’s actually a sociopathic robot who comes back to life to try and recruit Joyce into living with him in his creepy basement of love. Which means we get to see Buffy’s fears validated. And she gets to kill him again, always a bonus.

1. Will Smith to Uncle Phil in “Papa’s Got a Brand New Excuse” on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (1994)

This picture is unrelated. It just makes me laugh.

Welcome to the part of the program where I tear up uncontrollably. I’ve mentioned previously my inability to watch this episode of what has to be one of the most ridiculous sitcoms of all time without getting choked up and making excuses like, “I’m sorry, there’s a ceiling tile in the bathroom that needs my attention” so that my friends don’t mock me when Will blows up at Uncle Phil for not exactly being psyched that his deadbeat dad Lou (Ben Vereen NO!) has shown up to make yet more false promises. And then when Lou makes an excuse about bailing on him AGAIN and Will breaks down I just, I can’t- I’m sorry, there’s a ceiling tile in the bathroom that needs my attention right now. (PS originally my choice for this week’s topic was “Very Special Episodes on Sitcoms That Actually Really Did Make Me Cry Don’t Judge Me” so you see we’re killing two birds here.)

Great Moments #14

Show: Will & Grace

Moment: I’m sorry. I know there are people out there who think Will & Grace suffered from Too Many Guest Stars Syndrome but any use of Sandra Bernhard is ok in my book. I’m also such a sucker for any time Grace attempts to sing.

Character Spotlight: Stephanie Tanner

Show: Full House (1987-1995)

Character: Stephanie Tanner

Actor: Jodie Sweetin

How Rude!: What an unfortunate turn of events for Ms. Stephanie Tanner. She was without a doubt the most ADORABLE child actor on television in the late 1980’s, and she had the dimples, the blonde ringlets and the sassy one liners to prove it! She was the undisputed “cute factor” in the family-est sitcom that ever existed. That is, until the Olsen twins acquired verbal skills and she was reduced to the awkward, unnoticed middle child with a knack for doing the right thing!

Some Love: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. NO OTHER television character elicits the cringe factor quite like Stephanie Tanner. Perhaps it’s because as a child I readily identified with Stephanie because we were the same age, middle daughters, spunky and had several of the EXACT SAME Spumoni outfits (it also didn’t hurt that my sister sort of resembles Candace Cameron) and so every time she did something super lame (which was a dozen times per half hour) I was forced to dry heave and hate myself for the remainder of the program. THAT SAID, I still LOVE Stephanie Tanner [for her dance moves alone]. Seriously, before she straightened her hair, and lost her lisp, she was the greatest thing on television.

Favorites/Things I Can’t Watch Without Dying Inside: OOF! With a capital OOF! Like I said, this bitch could make a corpse cringe. Still, how could you not LOVE the episode when Stephanie goes to junior high and whilst in the bathroom gets “peer pressured” into smoking? How much cooler would she have been if she would’ve just taken a puff or two? It’s cool though, because a few months later Gia befriended her anyway, and they started a SUPER RAD Ace of Base cover band that blew their set at the Smash Club, because they were too caught up in the image to worry about “the music.” Cripes! Some actual favorite moments though, are no doubt from the early years. Particularly when Stephanie had the chicken pocks and tried to sneak out of the house or when she had that dream about everyone loving Michelle and D.J. more than her and she got to fly around the living room in that pink space suit. Oh, and also when she is a guest on Joey’s Mr. Egghead show, and she gets punched in the face.

Six Degrees TV Challenge: To Beal

Ok, Beal. You asked for it.

“Six Degrees”- NTO Style

Judith Light

to

Joely Fisher

The Challenge: I made the connection from Judith Light to Joely Fisher in 3 Degrees. If Beal can do equal or better, she gets 10 Points. If YOU, the reader, can do better AND post it in the comments before Beal posts her answer to the bottom of this post, YOU get a prize. Yes, I will actually mail you something awesome. (I’m feeling confident because Beal is reeeeally hard to beat at this game)

The Rules: No IMDB, no Google searching, no Interwebbing of any kind. It’s all stored away in the Vault of Useless Knowledge.

 

Challenge Accepted: This one was actually a little bit difficult. As I could only think of about two things either Judith Light or Joely Fisher have EVER starred in. And I couldn’t for the life of me think of who co-starred with Judith Light in that disturbing Lifetime movie where she keeps her wheelchair-bound husband captive in their house for her own sick pleasure.

Result: Tie. I too connected Judith and Joely in three degrees:

1.  Judith Light starred in Who’s the Boss with Alyssa Milano

2.  Alyssa Milano starred in Melrose Place with Marcia Cross

3. Marcia Cross starred in Desperate Housewives with Joely Fisher

From Judi: Well-played, Bealtown. My path was Judith Light starred in “Who’s the Boss” with Katherine Helmond (Mona) who played Debra’s mother on “Everybody Loves Raymond” with Brad Garrett (Robert) who now stars with Joely Fisher on that horrible FOX sitcom “‘Til Death.” Also, for all our male readers, her photos on Google are especially boob-tastic, I have no idea why. Let’s blame Jeremy Piven.

Top Five Friday: TV “Star” Encounters (Continued)

by Judi

Clearly, living in LA for four years has its benefits.

5. Jessie Katsopolis’s Dad (John Aprea) from Full House

I remember watching an award show once. Julia Roberts won for something, it must’ve been Erin Brockovich. And she climbs up on stage to receive it and then has a momentary freak-out because Beau Bridges (BEAU BRIDGES) is presenting it to her. I think she even said something like, “Oh my God, it’s Beau Bridges.” And everyone was like really? You’re JULIA ROBERTS. You hang out with George Clooney and Brad Pitt regularly, you’ve met EVERYONE and you freak out over Beau Bridges? What was the last thing Beau Bridges was in, can you even remember? (For the record, I’m so with you, Julia, who is clearly reading this. I once thought I saw Beau Bridges on a flight and almost had a heart attack. He is, after all, the dad from The Wizard).

So here’s my theory. Sometimes, it’s not the fame of the actor you spot in real life, in “the wild” you might say, but what you remember them from. As in, I was walking to work down Robertson Blvd. one day and passed Uncle Jesse’s dad in Full House and I. lost. my. mind. The Julia Roberts- Beau Bridges theory is the only excuse I can muster for my COMPLETELY illogical reaction. I almost attacked him on the sidewalk, such was my joy.

4. Lex Luthor (John Shea) from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

This one was funny. My brother was visiting me. We were in my car, driving through an alley in Santa Monica when LEX LUTHOR steps out from the shadows and walks in front of us. And it was so embarrassing too because I think our jaws dropped at the same time and he turned to look at us, two gaping buffoons, and then smirked and kept walking. On his way to the Farmer’s Market. Lex Luthor wants some fresh produce and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

3. Michael Guerin/Jared Booth (Brendan Fehr) from Roswell/Bones

When I moved to LA, my roommate/soon-to-be-best-friend (hi Bic!) and I spent the majority of our time dealing with living on a new planet (and yes, LA is its own planet. Make no mistake) by hiding in our new apartment and watching hours and hours and hours of Roswell. I think over the course of our tenure as roommates, we’ve watched those DVDs 7,000 times. So when I (finally) got a job in the Star Corridor (the corner of Beverly Blvd. and Robertson Blvd., home of a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf AND a Starbucks across the street from each other, “we met at Starbucks but different Starbucks”) and saw brooding alien Michael Guerin walking across the street, right next to my human body, I almost fell into traffic. I pulled my ass to the corner, called Bic and proceeded to hyperventilate. Over the course of my years in LA, I would see a number of other Roswell cast members- Maria in that Coffee Bean, Tess (you may know her as Claire from Lost) and Alex (Colin Hanks) at Coachella and, yes, my reaction was the same every time. Complete and utter meltdown.

2. Chanandelor Bong (Matthew Perry) from Friends (twice!)

Speaking of the Star Corridor, Matthew Perry clearly has some kind of caffeine addiction. I saw him for the first time at the Starbucks, notable because I was on the phone with my mother at the time who got VERY excited and then said, “Tell him I’m watching Friends right NOW! It’s the one where he proposes to Monica.” Like I was capable of movement, much less approaching him and handing him a cell phone with my mother chattering on the other end about his tearful proposal. More likely, I would’ve gone up to him and told him that his episode of Growing Pains basically traumatized me for life, thanks a lot.

The SECOND time was at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (yup, right across the street. Chandler, like me, is not partial to just one massive coffee chain) and, to my everlasting joy, Bic had met me for a coffee break on her way back from either another dreadful temp job or a depressing interview. We both stood by the counter, waiting for our coffees, and Matthew Perry stood next to us ordering. We conversed THE ENTIRE TIME, mindlessly talking as we both tried not to stare at him. Finally, he left, we sat down and we looked at each other. What the hell were we talking about? She was saying things, I was saying things- she could’ve been talking about elephants and my response could’ve been about arugula. And now we’ll never know.

1. David Addison (Bruce Willis) from Moonlighting

Ah yes, the car sighting. One of my favorites because of the sheer skill involved. Cars, after all, move pretty fast and you’ve got to be able to get a good look and confirm quickly. It’s also good if you’re either alone (so no one can dispute it) or the glimpse is substantial enough that you get immediate confirmation from the other party as well, lest you have a “George Michael on the 405″ incident (Bic saw him, I didn’t but it didn’t stop us from stalking him in traffic for forty minutes) or a humiliating “Simon Rex in a LeBaron” moment which my friends will STILL not let me live down (it was him, I swear. I want those words on my tombstone. Also, their primary argument is that Simon Rex would not drive a LeBaron and I think that’s PRECISELY why it was Simon Rex. Come on.)

The Bruce Willis Sighting is my all-time favorite sighting of all time. I was driving through Westwood one day, in a residential area and pulled up to a stop sign to make a left turn. The car opposite me, a black Mercedes, had also stopped. I waited for it to leave so I could make my left but the car just STOPS in the middle of the intersection. I then realize that the car stopped because the driver was watching a leggy blonde in a sports bra jog across the street, like actually just watching her bounce along. I’m seriously irritated now and just about to lay on the horn when the driver turns to me, smirks, and it’s Bruce Fucking Willis. I just about shat in my pants, SHAT WITH A VENGEANCE.

Top Five Fridays: TV “Star” Encounters

by Beal

In the first grade, local weatherman Kevin Orpurt visited my elementary school. The student body gathered in the gymnasium and sat on the floor (wow, this is even more low rent than I originally remembered) for Kevin’s captivating presentation about weather patterns and storm facts, probably, I can’t actually remember, because I was SO EXTREMELY PUMPED THAT I WAS MEETING A REAL LIVE TELEVISION STAR. Now, keep in mind that I was six and I had no idea what a “local affiliate” was or that MY “local affiliate” was located in Terre Haute, Indiana. What I thought was that Kevin Orpurt was the WORLD’S meteorologist and that me and my school were so special that he traveled all the way from 30 Rock to share his love of climate with us. Eventually, my excitement for meeting Mr. Orpurt turned to shame and a source of family mockery. Sixteen years later, I moved to Los Angeles where celebrity sightings are typical and routine so when I encountered one in the drugstore, the post office or a coffee shop my reaction was more of a “oh cool” than “HOLY SHIT HE’S ON TV!!!” Excitement-wise, nothing can compare to the Kevin Orpurt incident (that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever typed) but here are a few TV STAR ENCOUNTERS that come close. . .

5.  Jasmine Guy — Whitley Gilbert in  A Different World (1987-1993)

You know what’s greater than seeing Jamie Lee Curtis or Meredith Baxter Birney walking into an A.A. meeting? Seeing Jasmine Guy approaching the facility in which the meetings are held at the time in which they are held. See, I used to work four doors down from a church that held celebrity-studded alcoholics [not so] anonymous meetings on Thursday mornings at 9 a.m. The first time I saw Jamie Lee (who once called me “lovey”) I thought, no shit? what’s she doing walking around here at 9 a.m.? Until my boss informed me what all those people that smoked in front of the church were there for. Now Jamie didn’t smoke, and I can’t say that I ever say M.B.B. did either, and that doesn’t really matter, because the point is those two SEEM like they could be alcoholics. BUT WHITLEY GILBERT??? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve never been closer to figuratively shitting my pants. I had roughly a solid minute of Jasmine Guy approaching me head on, since I was walking up the street towards my office and she was walking down the street, POSSIBLY towards this meeting. Now, I can’t say for certain, but she had parked up the street (meaning she didn’t live in one of the houses down the street) and the only thing between her and the church was a nail salon, a waxing store (what do you call those?) and a boutique. HOWEVER, none of them opened until 10 a.m.! So, by the powers of deduction, Jasmine Guy may or may not have a drinking problem and I [sort of] witnessed it first hand.

4.  Patricia Wettig — Nancy Krieger Wilson in thirtysomething (1987-1991)/Holly Harper in Brothers & Sisters (2006-present)

Perhaps Patricia Wettig isn’t exactly who you think of when you think “Television Star,” but she made my list because of the frequency in which I ran into her, literally one time RAN INTO her (incidentally on the same day I “ran in” to her co-star, please see #1). From what I gather, Patricia (and her husband Ken Olin) must live in Pacific Palisades, a smalltown-esque celebrity enclave nestled on the bluffs between Malibu and Santa Monica. We share a favorite restaurant, Cafe Vida, because I saw her there at least once per week. It’s a small place, less than 20 tables, so no one could come in without you noticing (which Heidi and Spencer, vomit, did on the daily). I always really wanted to approach Patricia, and tell her I really liked her show, but I could never bring myself to do it, for fear of appearing as if I cared about celebrity (so instead I am blogging about it years later). The last time I saw her was at the CVS on 26th and Santa Monica Blvd. I was visiting L.A. the week before Christmas, stopped at the drugstore for something and as I rounded the corner of one aisle I smacked head on into another person. When I looked up and made eye contact, it was none other than Patricia Wettig. We said, “Excuse me” to one another, all the while making solid eye contact, and for a brief moment I considered sparking up a conversation. However, she seemed to recognize me (no doubt from our regular luncheons) and that was more satisfying to me than mentioning that strangely (and sounding made up) I had just seen her co-star at the mall.

3. Will Smith — Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (1990-1996)

Spotting celebrities in traffic is pretty spectacular. It’s like they think that within the confines of their $100,000 automobile, they are invisible. It’s quite the opposite actually. You see a retardedly expensive/shiny car and, as much as you wish you didn’t, you wonder who is inside. Nine times out of 10, it’s a nobody with a car payment that will bankrupt him before his cheating trophy wife can do it but once in awhile it’s Dennis Quaid or THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR! Heading into Hollywood one sunny afternoon I noticed a lustrous black Bentley convertible to my right. From a slight distance the driver appeared to be a Laker, but when the light turned red and I rolled up directly next to the vehicle, a perfect place to cock my head and stare, I noticed that it was, in fact, Will Smith. It was Will Smith, sitting in traffic next to me biting his nail. It was Will Smith spitting his finger nail into mid-air in the general direction of my car! The light turned green and, partly horrified, I continued east on Sunset Boulevard. Traffic is thick and another light turned red, aligning Smith and I for yet another couple minutes. I played it cool, nonchalantly looking to my left away from Smith and wouldn’t you know it, there he was again, this time as Hancock on an excessively large billboard. I turned back to my right, as it was exciting having both a picture of his face and his actual face on either side of my vehicle. THIS TIME, Will, a friendly guy, noticed me staring. He gave me a head nod which I returned (desperately wishing that I had “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” in my stereo) before he pulled in front of my car and turned left on Laurel where low-lifes like me, fear to tread.

2.  Ali MacGraw — Lady Ashley Mitchell in Dynasty (1984-1985)

Perhaps Ali MacGraw (no relation to Phil) is better known for her Academy Award nominated performance in Love Story than she is for her role in Dynasty, where she was killed in the Moldavian Massacre, but humor me. Now, admittedly, Ali MacGraw isn’t really on my celebrity radar. In fact, I had no idea who she was until after our chat. I was in a boutique store in L.A. trying on jeans when someone else came in to look around. I heard her tell the manager/my friend that she’d been keeping busy “working for Vogue.” Being that there was no mirror in the dressing room, I was soon forced to exit in order to use the large one located in the middle of the store. I plant myself in front of the mirror, and Ali MacGraw says to me, “Oh my god, those jeans were MADE for your body. You really have to get them.” Now, maybe she was just being nice, or maybe I was having a skinny day, or maybe the jeans were just high-waitsed enough to hide my muffin top BUT I will never be above taking false fashion compliments from a maiden of Vogue. I decide to purchase the jeans and for the next 15 minutes chat with this lady about her new home in Sante Fe, how she doesn’t miss L.A. and how much she loves this one kind of sandal that my foot is too fat for. After her departure, I was told who she was and thank god I didn’t know before or I may have had a Sweet Dee-style dry heave right in front of her or more likely done the ever-rude “My MOM loved that when she was a kid”. I still have the jeans, which I refer to exclusively as “my Lady Ashley Mitchell jeans.”

1.  Calista Flockhart — Ally McBeal in Ally McBeal (1997-2002)/Kitty Walker in Brothers & Sisters (2006-present)

The story I’m about to tell you is true. I almost [accidentally] killed Calista Flockhart. Part of me is glad that this was an “almost” situation and the other part of me wonders what doors would have opened up for me if I had, in fact, killed Ally McBeal or at least maimed her. Last December, L.A. was unseasonably cold, and rainy so instead of shopping outdoors on Melrose or the Promenade, I was relegated to the indoor Westfield Shopping Center in Westwood on Pico. Apparently the same thing happened to Calista. Now, I wasn’t actually living in Los Angeles at the time, only visiting,  and my friend Bic (you know, the girl who likes pens) was kind enough to loan me her apartment and brand new car for the week–the car that nearly killed Calista. As an Angeleno, parking AS CLOSE or CLOSER to the entrance as humanly possible is requisite. I noticed a spot and headed straight towards it at a reasonable speed. From the corner of my left eye I noticed a quick flash of a vehicle’s tail lights, no doubt the result of someone pushing the lock button on their deal. WITHOUT LOOKING FOR CARS, said person steps directly into oncoming traffic (me, in Bic’s car) FORCING me to SLAM on my breaks. This person gets out of harm’s way somehow (I couldn’t see my head was flying forward due to the violent slamming of the breaks) and is now standing directly next to my driver’s side window. I look over and wouldn’t ya know it! It’s Ally McBeal! She makes an “oops” face, smiles and politely waves. I smile awkwardly and wave back–a mutual exchange of “I’m not sure which one of our scatter brains lead to this almost tragic accident.” (Classic Ally). I quickly parked the car and spent the next hour stalking her and her family in Nordstrom.