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Archive for February, 2009

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Dear Liz Lemon,

While other women have bigger boobs than you, no woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us. And for the first time since the ’86 World Series, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo. And if it was up to me we would be together forever. But there’s a new thing called “women’s liberation” which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me. And that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I will be gone. I officially renounce my squatter’s rights. I’ll always love you. Good-bye and good luck. I’ll never forget you.

Dennis Duffy

– Judi

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Lilith Sternin

I’ll admit it. It’s been years but the decision to split up Cheers’ Frasier and Lilith still makes me scratch my head. I guess some people would say it’s a no brainer that eventually warm, caring, perpetually misguided Frasier Crane would eventually come to his senses, ditch the icicle at his side and move to Seattle so he could resume a life of bachelorhood (may I say, “ew”).

But really, keeping these two together would’ve been so much more entertaining, in my humble opinion. Eleven guest spots on “Frasier” just don’t cut it. I would’ve loved to have seen Niles and Lilith face off on more of a daily basis. Watch Frasier continue trying to be everything to everybody while Lilith acts as the dead voice of cynicism and doubt, constantly undermining his good intentions by cutting right to the chase. How can you not love her? Anyone who walks around thinking they can solve all your problems for you needs to be cut down to size daily. Unfortunately, they decided to give the job to John “I’m INCARCERATED, Lloyd!” Mahoney instead of keeping it in Lilith’s capable, bird-like hands where it belonged.

Better yet, forget Frasier altogether. If they had to split them up, they should’ve just given the spin-off to Lilith instead. She’s the strangest character ever but she works and she’s endlessly fascinating to watch. Bebe Neuwirth manages to keep her dead cold, monotone, dry as my skin in winter and seriously funny, which is a solid accomplishment for a woman whose career would eventually come to be better known for posing in “Chicago” and throwing benefits for out of work dancers. Lilith is always completely nonplussed and even-steven, the original ice princess, and watching her navigate a warm and cuddly sitcom world by herself would’ve been so much fun. (How does she raise a CHILD? It’s FASCINATING.)

Sigh. At least we’ll always have our “what ifs”. And reruns.

– Judi

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Oh Kristen. You must be EXHAUSTED from carrying Saturday Night Live on your back these days, you and poor McGruber. Thank God for the Internet so I can watch this sketch over and over and over again.

Also, sometimes I watch a random clip on Hulu and when I come back, the random clip I watched is under “Popular Clips” on the homepage, making me think that maybe only four people are using Hulu.

– Judi

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medium

Yes, I am one of those people who is constantly referring to NBC’s Medium as the savior for all TV-kind. Last night’s episode was yet another good example as it, once more, kicked Heroes soundly in the ass in terms of awesomeness (as opposed to just giving it a random thrashing, which Heroes totally deserves too. Though I did smirk when they called Peter a “nurse” and made it sound like an insult. “I’m a cop, you’re a scientist, Peter’s just a nurse.”)

Reasons Why Medium Wins Every Time / Is a Harbinger For Good Things in the Future of Television

1. Patricia Arquette is actually the size of a normal person. Whenever I see one of her doughy arms, I gleefully clap and then pinch my own doughy arm in solidarity.

2. Those kids are awesome. Especially Brigitte, she of the round face. They’re also psychics too which is even more fantastic. When Matt reads minds on Heroes he looks like he’s about to make a dookie on the floor (Greg Gunberg clearly went to the Joey Tribiani School of Acting. “I have a fishhook in my eye and I like it.”). When oldest daughter Ariel does it, accidentally reading Dad’s thoughts while he’s trying to teach her how to drive, it’s funny and sad and weird (Dad’s bummed he can’t really teach his daughter how to drive since she knows what he’s about to say before he says it.) Also awesome- they rarely address the fact that Brigitte and Ariel are psychic superheroes like Mom. It’s just THERE, the unspoken explanation. As opposed to Heroes, where someone says the word “abilities” every three seconds.

3. Question- which is scarier: Waking up bloodied and alone under a highway overpass in the middle of the night and realizing you may have just killed someone or waking up tied to a chair in a hotel room, being interrogated by three morons, the chief moron nearly screwing everything up by COMPLETELY overreacting to a useless piece of information (who cares that Noah warned HotHinder about the abductions? Was it really worth throwing him into a mirror?) Ugh, Heroes suuuucks.

4. Sample Medium guest star- Angelica Huston. Sample Heroes guest star- Moira “Toepick” Kelly. (Ok, I have to admit, I kind of love Moira Kelly. Any time Doug Dorsey shows up on anything I freak out too.)

5. I know everyone says this about Medium but shut up, it’s true. If you told me that Patricia Arquette and Jake Weber were married in real life, I would totally believe you. Also, I would like ALL of the soap operas to take note- it IS possible to have drama and still make sure everyone gets to school and work on a daily basis. We call that REALISM.

6.

Why HELLO. Take a seat on my sexy detective bench, won't you?

Why HELLO. Take a seat on my sexy detective bench, won't you?

Case RESTED. BOOM.

– Judi

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How is this possible? A) that I didn’t know True Hollywood Story covered A.C. Slater and B) that anyone could fill an entire hour with Mario Lopez information. The career highlights of Mario Lopez should take no longer than 15 minutes to watch–five minutes of chair spinning, wrestling outfit wearing, jericurl sporting, homoerotic dancing Saved by the Bell footage, a mention of his Hollywood break on Kids Incorporated, some sad music playing over his stint as an Animal Planet dog and pony show host and that about covers it. . . 

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But waaaaaait, E! isn’t going to let us off that easy. We’ve got to bring Ms. Eva Longoria in to discuss the REAL Mario. Seriously? What did you two meet once at the ALMA Awards? Eva, but why in the hell are you following the career of Mario Lopez so closely? Go back to Wisteria Lane and keep your mouth shut. 

The best quote in the show however, comes from a no-name entertainment journalist:

“Is he a church going Momma’s boy or is he this thrill seeking womanizer who can’t get enough? And its this sort of mystery and juxtaposition that keeps us profoundly interested in him.” 

Seriously? Who the fuck would ever describe themselves as “profoundly interested” in Mario fucking Lopez? Oh and Mario could you go ahead and tell Gwenyth and Madonna I said hi. I assume you guys are friends from fake half-assed, I seem more exotic if I talk this way school of terrible accents. Thanks.

 

–BEAL

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strike-conan-obrien_l_jpg_300x1000_q85Nathan Rabin from the AV Club sums up the final episode of Late Night With Conan O’Brien perfectly. It’s everything I felt last night and more.

– Judi

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Dear TBS.com

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I hate you. I really do. I can’t believe you can’t work out a way for me to watch My Boys on my Mac. But SHOCKER, the commercials still work. Do you know what kind of rage this inspires in me? When the commercials work FINE but the actual PROGRAM is all sad face, awwww. Do you???!!!

Is Bill Gates behind this bullshit? Maybe he just doesn’t know how good My Boys is. Maybe he doesn’t realize that TBS’s “seasons” last approximately four episodes before it’s season finale time and some of us rely on TV online. Grrrr, argh.

– Judi

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