Wife Swap

Okay, so I’m willing to admit that when I turn the television on for the first time of a day, it’s usually already tuned to Lifetime. I mean, The Golden Girls is usually the last thing I watch before bed. What I’m more sad about admitting, is that sometimes I don’t change the channel for most of the day–so long as Diet Tribe doesn’t come on, ugh–which brings me to Wife Swap

This really is why “reality” television was created, so I could peer into the homes of people I find too repulsive to communicate with. Today’s 4 p.m. episode featured a slave mother with sports/junk food addicted/fighting young boys and a husband who is addicted to internet gambling  and a psychic mother with tap dancing sons who listen to a tape of their mother talking in order to fall asleep and (not surprisingly) have ZERO friends their own age, like actually zero. Her husband blow dries her hair, shaves her legs and paints her nails and also does all the housework, so her psychic abilities are not compromised by household tasks.

Obviously I don’t have to explain how this plays out, it’s the most basic of your Wife Swap battles. . .Your kids are going to be gay vs. Your kids are going to beat women. After only a week, both mothers are fully invested in assuring that this won’t happen to these strangers children.

Highlights of this episode include: the psychic father’s haircut, a white man jeri curl mullet that he occasionally brushes out to a fluff, the tap dance kid trying to complete a jumping jack, psychic mom telling the father that his son was extra-terrestrial, the gambling dad having to take out the trash, violent kid choosing “starving” over giving up junk food and my personal favorite, non-psychic mother giving readings to psychic mother’s clients, and PASSING as a legitimate psychic.

This show is the audio/visual equivalent of Weekly World News–I feel dumber for having sat through it, ashamed that I found it entertaining and American for knowing that these people probably subjected their families to this level of embarrassment for a big screen TV or a trip to Panama City Beach.

–BEAL

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