Oh, Mr. T

sagetphoto04bThere is pretty much no greater torture after 11PM than when a late night guest is mind-numbingly awful during the interview. Unless you’re Norm MacDonald and can magically turn the topic from your shithole of a career into successful attempts to embarrass the hell out of the gawky host (love you, Conan!) and make that same host really, really laugh at your inappropriate antics for the rest of the show. Thank God Conan is older and wiser and has been doing this for almost two decades, he usually can save the appearance when the guest is just dull.

Bob Saget, on the other hand, is not magic and while Conan is good, even Johnny Carson would’ve shut the lights off during this interview. His appearance on Late Night last night was almost completely unbearable. He tells jokes like my dad. Actually, that doesn’t do justice to my dad. He was throwing one-liners out there that I didn’t even understand, much less laugh at. He thinks he’s a bad ass because, unlike Danny Tanner, he swears and thinks erections are funny. He would seem to get a kick out of shocking his audience that he’s not G-rated like his Full House counterpart except Full House has been off the air for about a millenia and we already know this schtick, through and through. Guess what? Screech is a pig too. I am still uninterested.

The worst part about watching Bob Saget play Bob Saget is how uncomfortable he seems in his own skin. That old joke about the neurotic comedian? The one who comes to parties and you expect to be the life of the party but is in fact so miserable and self-loathing that you end up just listening to his terrible jokes about his dying cat and wish you could switch places with the depraved Mr. Sniffy Pants. Yeah, they put that party on TV last night. They sullied my TiVo with it.

I have to say, I’m curious about this Last Week of Late Night lineup. Bob Saget? Really? Shouldn’t we be pimping out the studio with A-list entertainers, hot movie stars who are actually interesting and funny (George Clooney, Justin Timberlake, etc) or better yet, friends of Conan who would show us all a good time? Where the hell is Andy Richter? I wish he was in the sidecar these last few days before Big Red moves to Los Angeles to take over The Tonight Show. I really hope Saget isn’t on the roster for that first week of shows. Unless he does actually succeed in stealing Conan’s wife. That would be worth seeing.

Highlights from 10 Minutes of Eye-Poking Torture

– He actually said that he sometimes goes to Vegas with “John and Dave”. I almost fell off my couch. Can you imagine bumping into that three-some at a craps table? I sat there, wide-eyed, imagining Beal’s reaction to the holy trinity of sitcoms in the same city where they let you smoke indoors. I’m pretty sure she’d explode with joy.

– The one Full House story involved a donkey with an erection. I remember very clearly the episode where there was a donkey. I may have said out loud, “Oh, right, the donkey.”

– I wonder if the Olsen twins send this guy money. Crap, I bet Dave Coulier is on Facebook.

– Is it cute or lame that Bob Saget goes out to eat with his TV family? I’m going with traces-of-sad.

– What will it take to get me to watch even one episode of his new show “Surviving Surburbia” in which my cleaning products-cleaning Danny Tanner plays a beer swilling, couch surfing dad? Maybe if that role was played by John Goodman circa 1989.

– Judi

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