Mary Alice: A Tribute

desperate-housewives

My friend Michael and I have this thing about Mary Alice on Desperate Housewives, a show that I haven’t watched since the end of its first season. I do not miss it. The only acceptable reason to have Teri Hatcher anywhere near your TV set is if an old episode of “Lois & Clark” is on. Don’t even get me started on Eva Longoria Who Gives A Shit Parker. I care even less about Eva Longoria than I do about “Who will be the next American Idol.” And that’s saying something…

HAVING SAID THAT, Mary Alice has always been a great source of unintentional humor for us. I LOVE her voice. I LOVE the completely unnecessary narration. “Susan looked at Mike and wondered if he was thinking the same thing she was.” (Ugh.  God forbid we depend on actors to sell what’s happening on screen by themselves.)

Nothing brings us more joy than this video. Oh, Sue Ellen Mishky. They were throwing you such a bone here and you took it and ran with it like it was your very own Emmy. There are layers and layers to this simple Behind The Scenes look. It should not make me laugh so hard but it does. When I die and we have that “Defending Your Life” moment when they’re showing examples of what an ass hat I was, they will show me and Michael giggling over this video about seventy times.

It’s just… it’s all so completely unnecessary. What’s next? A Behind the Scenes look at how Felicity Huffman reads her scripts? “First, I pick up the script. Then, I grab a highlighter. Then I call Aaron Sorkin and beg him to save me. Then I cry and remember that once this show is over I can finally move on to being an enormously talented movie star like I deserve. Then I read a few lines.”

A few favorite moments

– When Sue Ellen compares what she does, a mundane voice over, to an opera singer.

– “I get to play with everybody.” Sure you do, honey. Sure you do.

– That paddle. You know those sound operators have a secret one that reads things like “Sad.” and “Your Turn to Wipe Her Tears.”

– Sue Ellen worries that taking off her shoes will ruin the take. To this day, I don’t know what this means.

– Over and over again with this “Will he propose?” nonsense. A perfect example of why this voiceover is so awful and why Marc Cherry should just quit and think of starting up “Golden Girls 2.0” Marc Cherry does not write musically, by the way. Unless you consider that farting noise you make with your armpit music.

– Judi

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