Perhaps I’ve mentioned it before, perhaps everyday, but I like to watch The Golden Girls each night from 1 am to 2:30 am on the Lifetime network. It’s the perfect wind down from an otherwise turbulent day of searching for something great to watch on television. I’ve also gotten myself into the habit of watching Frasier for an hour before GG begins. Upon consulting the guide to determine which episodes would be on tonight (only two are usually on on Mondays, because Rita Rocks reruns at 2). At any rate, Desperate Housewives was positioned in the 1 am block. What the fuck is this? What asshole is trying to destroy the one and only thing I can actually call a “routine” in my life?
I don’t know how I am going to function. I can’t find a new show to watch, The Golden Girls is absolutely the only program that will suffice!! Ugh, I’m never going to fall asleep again!!!!
Wait a minute, hold up, what’s that? HALLMARK CHANNEL YOU’VE SAVED THE DAY!
Whew! Crisis averted. And check out these added bonuses:
1. The Golden Girls are on from MIDNIGHT to 2 am night (except Sunday– BTW what’s up with that? Lifetime didn’t air it on Sunday either. Is there some sort of Sabbath rule on watching the elderly date promiscuously?) so I can function almost normally, and maybe even fall asleep a half hour earlier each night.
2. Hallmark is airing I Love Lucy at 2 am. Perfect! Thank you! I can handle a zany half hour of olden timey situation comedy as I fall asleep. I back this little mix-up.
3. At 2:30 am, Lifetime converts to paid programming. Not only does Hallmark provide an extra half hour of regular programming, wait for it, they fill that half hour with Cheers!
4. And, if all that wasn’t enough, the 11 p.m. Hallmark hour is filled with Murder, She Wrote. Are you kidding me right now? What a terribly terrific program! Angela, I foresee a beautiful friendship burgeoning here.
5. Although I was briefly furious with Lifetime for removing GG from their lineup, they did replace one hour of it with one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Desperate Housewives–which I watch solely for the Karen McClusky character, and so in the event that GG is one I’ve watched too recently, I have a satisfying alternative.
So, let’s review. On any given night, nestled in my own bed, I have the potential for one of the greatest lineups in all of television history:
11:00 Murder, She Wrote
12:00 Frasier/The Golden Girls
12:30 Frasier/The Golden Girls
1:00 The Golden Girls/Desperate Housewives
1:30 The Golden Girls/Desperate Housewives
2:00 I Love Lucy