On Saturday I helped my friends move. All day. There was talking and human interaction and a lot of physical activity involved. Therefore, I felt justified in wasting all of Sunday. So yesterday I did something I haven’t done in a very long time. I watched TV all day. Literally. And just in case you don’t believe me, here is solid proof.
10-1pm “Million Dollar Baby” on AMC. I had never seen this movie. I want you to note the running time- 3 hours long. That’s because far from being the AMC of my childhood, the one that played glorious old movies commercial free, AMC has become a mainstream bitch and now runs decent-to-mediocre fare and plugs in about 7,000 commercials between movies like The Postman and Apollo 13.
1-1:30pm- TiVoed “Wings” episode. Lowell’s mentor died and in tribute he finishes the plane they were working on together. I get slightly choked up. I get horrified that I’m choked up and then I check the calendar. I breath a sigh of relief. Not deranged, just hormonal. I once cried during a “Brady Bunch” episode. Sniffling at “Wings” is nothing, trust me.
1:30 to 3:30pm- Season 1 of “Alias” on DVD, courtesy of Netflix. I think it’s kind of hilarious that “Alias” is really “Lost” meets “Felicity.” JJ Abrams is just right there in the middle with this one. Poor Jennifer Garner gets to kick ass like Buffy but then has to sit in her tub with candles lit all around her while some middling pop ballad plays in the background. It’s distracting and weird. Also, for a spy, she cries a LOT. Like, I get it- your fiance was brutally murdered but you’re a SPY. Victor Garber is your DAD and he’s Beyond Awesome. He’s also clearly unsettled that you’re so emotional and so am I.
3:30pm to 4:00- Break. Walk the dog. I would’ve ignored him but I really didn’t want to clean up his urine on the hallway floor. Would’ve been much more inconvenient for my schedule.
4-5:30pm- More “Alias.” I think Michael Vartan is kind of pathetic, all puppy-dog eyed over Sidney. Maybe he doesn’t know how hot he is. Is that possible?
Also, Bradley Cooper, I know you’re in EVERY movie now but I can’t wait to meet you and embarrass you over your bleached blonde hair on this show.
5:30- 6:30pm- Two TiVoed episodes of “Barefoot Contessa.” Sadly, none of her gays are in attendance. I really, really want them to rename this show “Ina and Her Hampton Dandies.”
6:30-6:35pm- I die laughing at the fact that TiVo taped “Time Life Music” for me. It literally taped me a 30 minute commercial for Time Life Music of the ’70s. Then I stop laughing and realize that this is just how well TiVo knows me. I’m disturbed. I readjust myself on the couch and try not to think about it anymore. I then do a little stretching because I remember how Hillary Swank got all those bed sores from not moving enough on her hospital bed.
6:35- 7:30pm- A little “Legally Blonde.” I love the beginning of “Legally Blonde.” Everything until she takes the internship is top-notch. I could watch the beginning of “Legally Blonde” every time and not get over it, especially the whole section where she tries to get into Harvard. Well done all. (Another point for Victor Garber)
7:30-10pm- “The Incredibles” / Jim Gaffigan’s new stand-up special “King Baby.” Short text-fight with Beal, who refuses to watch the new Sandlot movie this week even though Luke Perry is in it. I don’t even know who she is anymore. I ate dinner somewhere here too but I don’t remember what it was.
10-12pm- A few episodes of the “X-Men” cartoon because I could watch Cyclops yell at people for no reason for HOURS. Interspersed with “Charlie Angels: Full Throttle” and I can’t even explain the appeal of this one. It’s so COLORFUL. The fight scenes are so hilarious and the air-brushing. My GOD, the AIR-BRUSHING. Why don’t they just peel Drew’s skin off altogether? And SHIA. And that crazy Irish dude who I am scarily attracted to. He walks through FIRE. This movie is amazing. I’m so happy it’s on but I can’t bring myself to watch the whole thing, not even for the chance to watch Joey Tribiana act in a scene with John Cleese or give Demi Moore the usual standing ovation for her truly SPECTACULAR plastic surgery.
Collapse in bed. Am exhausted. Check TV schedule for the week on my iPhone. Go to sleep, dreaming of good Gilmore Girls reruns expected this week. I hope “Heroes” is as middling-good as it was last week. Excited for new “Bones.” Angered that every new episode of Bones only comes every two weeks. Hate stupid American Idol. Wish “30 Rock” was slightly better this…year…snooze.