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Archive for April, 2009

I have spent the past week sitting Shiva for Bea Arthur, and I think it’s finally time I quit mourning the loss of her life and instead, celebrate it, which I will begin to do right here.

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I first met Bea as a child, in the late 1980’s on the prime-time hit The Golden Girls. She remained in my life throughout the 9o’s and 00’s in reruns, which is likely why I was so shocked at her passing. To me, she was barely 65, living with her girlfriends, eating cheesecake five times a week and retorting wittily to any comment that crossed her path. 

It’s hard to believe that Ms. Arthur began her career as a lounge singer, served in World War II and brought abortion into prime-time as Maude, Edith Bunker’s liberal-ass cousin whom Archie hated. To me, she’s Dorothy Zbornak, a wise cracking divorcee who wears long blouses, long skirts and tall boots, who takes care of her sassy, purse-clutching mother and lives with her slutty roommate and a total dumbass. She comes into my home two or three times a day, brightens it and then fades into the credits until next time. 

I am deeply saddened by the loss of this legendary television icon, and I hope that if there is a heaven, that someday I’ll meet Bea in it. Until then, I will rest my chin on the top my flattened hand, and roll my eyes slowly and sternly to the right, annoyed that Bea and I will never star in our very own Two Woman Show. 

Bea’s passing reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of The Golden Girls in which Sophia’s friend dies. I’ll take a note from Sophia on this one, it will help in accepting the death of TV’s finest, the incomparable Beatrice Arthur. . . 

Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend. 
Dorothy: I’m so sorry. What happened? 
Sophia:  [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. 
[agitated
Sophia: SHE WAS 88! 
Rose: Well, it’s great that she was able to work right up to the end. 

 

REST IN PEACE PUSSYCAT. REST IN PEACE.

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Getting Ready

My brother’s coming into town this weekend- BIG PLANS A BREWIN’. We’ve had this trip planned for about four months now, all centering on the debut of X-Men Origins: Wolverine tomorrow night. I know, I know. You’re just all a-giggle over my geek joy.

Well, it just gets better. Because what better way to celebrate a comic book movie weekend than with

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1) Wolverine movie on opening night.

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2) Harry Potter exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry (I can practically FEEL Beal rolling her eyes. I DON’T CARE)

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3) Little brother’s second comic-book signing at The Comic Vault (we call this pic from the first signing “The Claw”)

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4) My 9am soccer game on Sunday morning (that’s about right)

Ok, so the last one will really be joyful for no one but I had to throw it in there. Besides, after the mountain of Chicago beef, brats and pizza I’m going to be inhaling this weekend, the exercise will surely come in handy.

It’s a testament to how much I enjoy my brother’s company that I’m not even upset, not even a little bit, that a weekend of fun plans means delaying my dive into Season 3 of Alias, courtesy of Netflix. Even though I just survived the Season 2- Sidney wakes up in Hong Kong after two blank years and Vaughn is now married WTF cliffhanger and need to see what happens next IMMEDIATELY.

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It is DEVASTATION.

The last few days have been terrible. There is a black curtain over my television, there is a pall over my TiVo. There has been sniffling and the smell of BenGay. Someone left a casserole and a TV Guide on my doorstep. Thank you, whoever you are.

Bea Arthur is dead. I’m five seconds away from reciting that poem from Four Weddings and a Funeral, the one from that other “splendid bugger”, the one about stopping the clocks and silencing the dog with a big, juicy bone (I can’t even smirk about “bone”). I will recite it in a heavy Scottish accent and fully depress Hugh Grant, enough so that he tries to marry Duck Face when really he could’ve just married Fiona and WE ALL WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY.

The Fug Girls posted a lovely Bea tribute, including this video which Beal will fully appreciate. I’m going back to bed.

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It’s official- my favorite new show of the 2008-2009 TV Season is ABC’s mid-season replacement Better of Ted.

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Veridian Dynamics. Competition–whether it’s animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products–pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better.

Beal pointed out last week that we both like it which, unfortunately, means it will probably get cancelled.

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Donna Martin Graduates! Donna Martin Graduates!

Tori Spelling returns to 90210, tonight @ 9:00 EST on The CW.

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The final installment of the 2009 Nora Roberts Collection premiered on Lifetime Saturday night, and well, every night since. Tribute, starring Brittany Murphy (in the bushiest set of eyebrows in prime-time since The O.C. was cancelled) and Jason Lewis, was nothing if not entirely absurd. If you want to know the plot, check out the plot of Midnight Bayou, but instead of pre-Civil War era flashbacks, make it 1970’s flashbacks, peppered with alcoholism, pill popping and extra large flowers.

Brittany Murphy is the granddaughter of an two-time Academy Award-winning actress who “committed suicide” before Brittany was born. Her mother is also an actress, as was she. Obviously she moved into her grandmother’s Victorian house on 40 acres in middle Virginia to fix it up, a “tribute” to her grandmother. Oh soon enough shit gets crazy. The doll made in her likeness during her child star days keeps appearing, hung on a noose from the living room fan with notes like, “die bitch” and other parts of the farm are totally vandalized, providing a mystery about her grandmother, for Brittany to solve. Yet, protective custody is never an option. Clearly because getting engaged to Smith Jarred, who lives across the street and dresses like an Asian Dance Dance Revolution champion, makes so much more sense.

–Let’s talk about him for a second. Jason Lewis. Who the hell is your agent? Because I think it might still be Valerie Malone. The shitty parts you two would discuss between sex scenes in your Valley fixer upper and appearances at The After Dark, seem to be exactly what parts you’re taking now. You don’t even have a pictures in your IMDB profile. Didn’t Sex and the City do ANYTHING for your career? Apparently not.–

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Back to this movie. I suggest watching it for the following reasons even though it’s terrible:

1. Brittany Murphy has really let herself go. She’s still thin, but remember when Uptown Girls came out, and it was a shock to realize that it was chubby/red-head/skank Ty from Clueless in the part of the cute, thin, spunky blonde? Well, she’s heading back downhill. She apparently peaked.

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2. Possibly the most important, Christian Oliver appears in this flick as Brittany’s ex-husband (Hollywood style, married briefly, still best friends). Who, you might ask, is Christian Oliver? None other than LUCA from the 1995 film adaptation of The Babysitter’s Club. Amazing.

3. It contains the words “Lifetime Original” in it’s title.

4. The moment the villain comes on screen, you know instantly, because they have Lifetime movie “crazy eyes.” (Is there a special class in which you learn how to have this look? Or do they just cast people with oracular deformities?)

5. The quote “It’s not just a shower. It’s an experience.” made it into the final script. 

 

What more could you possibly want?

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