Really? You’re keeping Heroes but you might not renew Medium? REALLY? It’s like finding shit on your shoe and THROWING OUT THE SHOE. Who does that?
You’ll bring back Law & Order: SVU but maybe without Benson and Stabler? Really? You think that’s really going to work? Do you think we watch that show just for a few brief seconds of Munch and Cragen? WE DON’T. We watch it because Stabler might punch someone in the face and then Olivia will need to lie about it.
Jay Leno five nights a week? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO. That’s five hours a week of programming dedicated to a man whose comedy is so obsolete, it’s not even welcome when you’re standing in an endless checkout line at the supermarket, wondering if anyone finds those stale “Headlines” jokes remotely amusing anymore and do we REALLY need small TV screens at THE SUPERMARKET? I love television but COME ON. And oh my God, Kirstie is on the cover of People and her poodle is insane, what is happening to this world?
Celebrity Apprentice. No. Stop it. I mean it, you’re embarrassing me. STOP IT. In a related rant- remember a few years ago when feminists everywhere were all “we’re going to take the word ‘bitch’ back! And we’re going to OWN it now!” And that didn’t really work because taking back words is not really a solid plan, ever? I still I think we should try it now. I think we should get Jolie and Pitt and Clooney and Roberts and Lance Armstrong together and force them to reclaim the titles “celebrity” and “stars” so that network honchos will no longer boost their middling reality and game show fare with such claims. It is not Dancing With the Stars. It’s more like “Dancing with Has-Beens and Hacks and People Who Sign Photos at The Mall” and it is not Celebrity Apprentice so much as “What’s His/Her Name Again? Apprentice.” Someone please stop the insanity. Let’s take back the night. Let’s take back EVERY NIGHT, starting on NBC from 10 to 11PM.
I miss you, Conan. So so much.
PS Thank you for renewing Friday Night Lights. It’s like we went to couples counseling and you’re still not doing most of the major things we discussed necessary for you to become a better partner but you ARE clipping your toenails in the bathroom now. I’ll take it where I can get it, thank you.