I’m willing to put up with a lot when it comes to movies. That Matthew McConaughey is actually in the same bar as Kate Hudson just as he’s about to make a bet with his boss that he can make a girl fall in love with him to land a high-falutin’ diamond account. A blonde, white mannequin who not only comes to life but claims she’s an EGYPTIAN to boot. That the only way to survive the flesh-searing fate of opening the Ark of the Covenant is to just shut your eyes. That Julia Roberts and Richard Gere decide to devote themselves to each other even though he’s never asked her whether or not she has the Hep or the Herps.
As moviegoers, we give our filmmakers a LOT of leeway. Because you know what? The bizarre is sometimes so much better than contrived laziness. “At least they’re trying,” you mutter to yourself as two idiots lug a dead guy named Bernie around and no one’s the wiser.
And when they stop trying? You get this. A movie that makes me unspeakably angry.
Go ahead and watch the trailer here. I’ll wait.
Done? Are your eyes bleeding? Setting aside for a second that Heather Graham can’t even smile convincingly on the poster and John Corbett has an expression of “What am I doing here when I could be in My Life in Ruins aka My Big Fat Greek Wedding Part 2?” and poor Jerry looks like he’s trying to crawl back into his mother’s womb. Take the movie as a whole- doesn’t it look like a fake movie? Like, remember those fake previews before Tropic Thunder? I feel like this should be one of them. This is not an ACTUAL movie, is it? It has to be a movie-within-a-movie. No one actually thinks that a businesswoman gets pregnant and throws up during a meeting is a fresh, exciting idea that’s ripe for hilarity.
Except it’s not. Which brings me to my plea- here I sit, wasting away on measly unemployment checks while you studio heads greenlight this bullshit. We all know this movie is going to fail, right? WE ALL KNOW IT. Heather Graham is basically surviving these days by somehow making theatrical releases that should really be seeing their world premieres on the Oxygen network. I think she might be some kind of enchantress actually. I remember watching her bug-eyed turns on Scrubs a few years back and thinking, “How did she get this job? Yes, her hair is pretty but has anyone ever seen her actually try to SAY things?” Writhing around on the top of a car in a Lenny Kravitz video is FINE but don’t shove her in a movie with Mike Myers and ask her to showcase her comedic timing. WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN?
So, please, Nameless Studio Executive. The next time her agent calls and is all “Heather’s available for The Trouble With Martha!” and you glance at the plot and realize that the movie is about a plucky ad executive who is super duper clumsy and needs to get married before her thirtieth birthday or she’ll lose all her eggs, just stop for a second. Stop and think about what you’re doing, about what you could be unleashing unnecessarily onto the American public. Then, grab the million dollar check that’s supposed to go towards making this trainwreck and write it out to me instead. I’ll take really good care of it, I promise. I’ll buy food and puppy insurance and maybe a new set of pots from Target and you won’t have to feel the wave of shame wash over you as you head to the supermarket checkout with your Crest Whitening strips and bottles of Grey Goose vodka and spot a pile of DVDs of your last movie in the $5 or less bin.