Couch Day AKA My Loved Ones Now Worry About My Mental Health

by Judi

I was relatively busy on Friday and Saturday so I made myself a deal and, yes, it’s not unusual to treat myself like a stubborn toddler. “If you play nice this weekend, I promise you can watch TV all day on Sunday.” So, that’s what I did. I played nice and then I ended up here.

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(In other excellent news, I discovered that there’s an iPhone application that’s kind of like MS Paint. So now you can expect lots of crude renderings without my having to leave my comfy place. YOU’RE WELCOME)

I was so ready for Couch Day that BEFORE Couch Day, I set up TiVo to tape a lot of crappy things so I wouldn’t have to suffer through the indignities of live television offerings on the weekends (ie watching What a Girl Wants for the 7,000th time.) And it paid off. A look at Couch Day-

10 am – Wake up. Walk dog in blistering heat. Return home to air conditioning (seriously, is there a better feeling than to walk into your tundra-like abode on a hot day?)

11 am- Assume position. (See picture above). Pirates of the Carribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.

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12:15 pm- Wonder if the movie would’ve been different if they cast an ACTUAL block of wood in the Orlando Bloom role. Think difference would be minimal.

1:25 pm – Cleanse Pirate palate with an episode of Nigella. Crave omelette. Make omelette. Return to couch.

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1:55 pm – Last two episodes of True Blood: Season 1 on DVD. Fast-forward through the vampire blood parts because, seriously, ew. Pray nothing bad has happened to Lafayette. Worry that Tara has joined a cult. Know that Jason has joined a cult for sure. Sad because I think I prefer shape-shifter/bar owner Sam to vampire hero Bill but I’m likely in a minority there.

3:50 pm – Walk Charlie. Blink at sun. Wish I was back on couch. My stomach hurts, which is good in a way because it justifies my going back to my couch. But bad because it’s painful.

4:45 pm- Return home. Second Pirate movie- something about a chest. This second movie kind of sucks. Also, why are these movies THREE HOURS LONG? That’s a long time for ridiculous hamster-wheel swordfighting and it’s almost long enough for me to wonder if Keira actually wants to get it on with Depp. I know it’s Depp but have you seen his teeth in this movie? Girl, no. Stick with the block of wood.

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6:30 pm- Dinner. On couch. The Last Holiday which I first saw on an airplane, fine by me- it’s like the IDEAL airplane movie. It’s also not bad at 6:30 on a Couch Day. I like this movie too much, I think. It’s just so harmless and fun. She goes to this fancy hotel and just buys whatever she wants. What’s NOT to love? And My Father the Hero is the chef. And ok, yes, I know it’s LL COOL J but Ithinkhe’scuteandIdon’tcarewhatyouthink.

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8:00 pm- The Pacifier. I knew this movie would be terrible and it was so so much more terrible/AMAZING then I had imagined. SO many moments of “What the fuck? THEY WROTE THIS DOWN! SOMEONE WROTE THIS ON A PIECE OF PAPER.” I love when movies are interactive.

Also, I love how marble-mouthed Vin Diesel is. There’s this scene where he’s trying to woo Lauren Graham (whose presence in this movie makes my heart hurt. It really does. Like seeing your favorite respectable actor in real life and realizing they’re a total douchebag. I feel slightly shattered and sad for her. Ugh. At least this was a long time ago.) and anyway he’s trying to sweet-talk her and it just all comes out so mush-mouthy. He can barely talk. For real. I almost put captions on my screen. Like, I wonder if she stepped away from him on set and wondered, “Oh my God, he actually might be retarded. Wait, why I am here?” Other terrible/AWESOME things- Tate Donavan built a massive booby-trapped state of the art safe in their basement? What? And Brad Garrett- is he kind of gay for Vin Diesel in the beginning? That whole scene felt like he was trying to molest him but I think he meant to merely intimidate. Then they think the emo son is a Nazi which would’ve been an AMAZING twist but turns out he’s starring as Rolf in a community theater production of The Sound of Music. That Vin Diesel takes over as director. Someone wrote this shit down on a piece of paper.

9:45 pm- Internet break. Checked email, blah blah blah.

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10:45 pm- Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I haven’t watched this all the way through in YEARS. I check the year on TiVo and it was made in 1989. I throw up in my mouth a little bit. HISTK is twenty years old. I immediately check my phone to see what the cast has been up to and, as expected, pretty much all of the kids have disappeared except Ron (aka Billy from Big) and I’m shocked to see he’s been in things that I’ve seen and I didn’t recognize him. Losing my touch. By the way, in terms of kid movies- there are WAY worst movies to see when you’re eight years old. This movie still kind of rocks in a major way. Or maybe it’s just because I watched The Pacifier first and then wanted to douse my eyes in lighter fluid.

1:oo am- Sleep. What a long day.

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2 thoughts on “Couch Day AKA My Loved Ones Now Worry About My Mental Health

Add yours

  1. The fact that you chose “couch” over “bed” is evidence that your mental wellness is still fairly intact. AND when I saw your tweet about HISTK I looked up Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, which is 12 years old, and the first movie I remember watching and thinking, I’m way to old for this kind of fare. Fast forward to me owning and frequently watching Cheaper by the Dozen. This only reiterates the fact that we need to begin working on our own family film/sitcom ASAP.

  2. Dammit, I should’ve taped “Cheaper by the Dozen” too. What is it about that movie that’s so watchable? Is it Bonnie Hunt? I know it’s not Le Duff- girl’s voice needs to go down a few octaves.

    I would smirk that I can’t believe you watched “Honey We Shrunk Ourselves” but I watched “The Pacifier.” On purpose.

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