Back in 1981 Luke and Laura set the bar pretty high for television weddings, drawing nearly 30 million viewers–the most ever for a daytime drama. That said, be aware that the following nuptials do not begin to compare–in total viewers, quality or emotional impact. I now pronounce these, my favorite television weddings of all time:
5. Ross & Rachel on Friends 1999
Sure, maybe Monica and Chandler’s wedding was more “romantic” or “planned,” and Ross and Emily’s wedding was a bigger television event, but Ross and Rachel’s drunken mid-blackout accidental wedding, is one of the few moments on Friends that was funny even after “The Rachel” had grown out. Sure I’m a sucker for any drunken debauchery from characters that are normally as sober as practicing Mormons, but this scene is both a classic and a cautionary tale, and what more could we ask from a couple of talent-free millionaires?
4. Nancy Botwin & Peter Scottson on Weeds 2006
Hmm, I’m not sure I’m proud that at least two of my favorite five weddings went down in Vegas, but this quickie wedding tends to be a rather frequently used plot device in TV land. At any rate, we all know that the widow Botwin slings dope out of her suburban tract house, what we don’t learn until the end of Season 1, is that the guy she met at her son’s karate tournement and slept with a couple episodes later, is a DEA agent. She’s small potatoes when they first hook up, but when she decides to expand her business, only a marriage could keep the two together. Yes, this is a ridiculous plot point, but it is the ONLY logical way that either of these people can carry on with their lives!!! Obviously if they’re married, neither can be forced to testify against the other. Let me just sum this up, Pot Dealer marries Drug Enforcement Agent, obviously this ends in total disaster, that I applaud, leaving Nancy Botwin, twice widowed, and soon, under investigation.
3. Sue Ellen Mishky & Pinter on Seinfeld 1997
Fine, so I don’t know who in the hell Pinter is or where he came from, but I do know that Elaine slept with him, and that he is marrying her arch-nemisis Sue Ellen Mishky who we all remember as the bitch that wore a bra for a shirt, causing Kramer to wreck George’s car yada, yada, yada Jerry, George and Elaine attend their wedding in India, in the infamous, “backwards episode.” Mostly I love (I know, “pattern”) when Jerry uses Shnapps to gain access to Elaine’s “vault” where he finds out that she previously hooked up with Pinter when he went by Peter and how George spray painted his Timberlands black and pretended they were dress shoes, so his date wouldn’t know that he was shorter than when they met, and he was wearing Timberlands. Instead, he just looked like the asshole that spray painted his boots and pretended they were dress shoes. Let’s also not forget the the only reason the gang went to India (TO INDIA!) was to spite Sue Ellen Mishky, whom Elaine KNEW only invited her assuming she would not attend, but send a gift, the “unvitation” if you will. “Goodnight Jugdish!”
2. Dorothy & Lucas on The Golden Girls 1992
If you were in the market for a sappy wedding, this one’s for you! I’m not sure if I teared up because it was such a beautiful wedding, with a young, blushing bride, wait, why am I crying at some old hag’s wedding? Oh that’s right! Dorothy’s nuptials mean that she’s moving out of Blanche’s house and we’ll never again see this foursome in comedic action (until Golden Palace attempts to recreate the magic). Dorothy looks devastatingly odd (what fucking 60 year old wears a white, lace dress and a veil?) on her wedding day, and she marries Leslie Nielson, ya know, Blanche’s uncle, who originally went out with Dorothy because slutbag Blanche was too busy entertaining a man to take her relative out to dinner. The two “pretend” to get engaged to, to, uhh, to teach Blanche a lesson? And then decide that they actually love each other and decide to get married after all. Ol’ Stan Zbornak commandeers the limo that was taking Dorothy to the church, and the two have a final, touching moment before she weds an obviously more quality individual. Cut to me bawling. . .
1. Uncle Jesse & Becky on Full House 1991
Talk about an event wedding! Oof! I’m excited just thinking about the madcap adventure that ensued prior to Jesse’s arrival at the alter. A quick recap — the night before Jesse’s wedding day, he tells himself that it’s his last chance to, I guess, be some kind of wild man (ya know, living in his brother-in-law’s house, rent free, raising young children, playing rock n roll, combing his hair a lot) so he decides that as a final act of youth and rebellion, he’ll jump out of an airplane . . . wait for it. . . in his wedding tux. Well, obviously he gets stuck in a tree, that he is forced to drop himself out of INTO A TOMATO TRUCK! Who in the hell wrote this? What is a tomato truck? Who just packs tomatoes in the back of a pick-up? Regardless, Jesse’s now out of the tree and on his way to his own wedding when he lands himself in jail for trespassing and grand theft auto. Rebecca Donaldson comes to his rescue, bails him out (in her wedding dress) and the two appropriate a bus (was it full of nuns? I’m not sure.) and finally make it to their own wedding, where we all get the pleasure of enjoying the vocal stylings of Mr. John Stamos. . .