I (we) look forward to Fall TV Premiere Season. September kicks off a several-month spree of brand new episodes of brand new shows and the triumphant return of old favorites. Every night of the week as the sun begins to set, I settle down in front of the warm glow of my television set, as giddy as a kindergartner on Christmas Eve, excited to receive the gift that is a prime-time premiere–the best part being that, if I hate it, I can change the channel and complain about it here, instead of forcing an awkward smile and assuring whatever asshole wrapped up the lavender cardigan twin set and slapped my name on it that I, in fact, “Love the color and have been dying to add such a lovely top to my wardrobe.” I watch television all day, everyday, jerk. Next time, think bathrobe, sweatpants or an over-sized throw pillow.
And in case you were wondering (too bad if you weren’t) here’s what programs I can’t wait to open this “holiday” season. . .
Accidentally on Purpose – September 21 on CBS @ 8:30 p.m. (NEW)
- I already know this show is going to be terrible, but there’s something about a bad sitcom that I just can’t ignore. This gem stars Jenna Elfman as a 30-something who gets pregnant after a one-night stand with some doofless cookie 10 years her junior. So now she has to adjust her fun and fancy-free lifestyle to accommodate a stupid baby and its (I’m assuming) childlike father. Hilarity ensues. This mostly sounds like someone watched too much Dharma & Greg and then thought Knocked Up was a comedy RIOT. Seriously, if Jenna Elfman is a batty, new age-y, semi-hippie, I’m going to drive to Burbank and burn down CBS studios myself.
The Forgotten – September 22 on ABC @ 10 p.m. (NEW)
- I haven’t seen a single on-air preview for this show but I think it has potential. That might be because I love an underrated drama, especially when it involves vigilante crime fighting. This show explores an odd group of amateur detectives who try to solve murders, by discovering as much as possible about the victims. Bonus: it is narrated by the “body” of the week.
Melrose Place – September 8 on The CW @ 9 p.m. (NEW)
- Nothing good can come of a remake, especially when the show has only been off the air for a decade. Whatever though, I am TUNING in. Ashlee Simpson? Fine. At least Sydney and Michael Mancini will be there too. Also @capricecrane is a writer on the show and if her tweets are any indication, the show might actually be well written or at least her portion.
Hank – September 30 on ABC @ 8 p.m. (NEW)
- Two years ago, the powers that be tried to get Kelsey Grammer back on the airwaves in Back to You. Don’t remember it? Well in two years, you probably won’t remember Hank either, but that doesn’t mean I won’t schedule my DVR to record every episode. Brought to us by creator Tucker Cawley, who won three Emmy’s (writing) for Everybody Loves Raymond, the show sounds pretty much like a modern Green Acres. When Wall Street CEO Hank is suddenly fired from his job, his family relocates from Manhattan (“goodbye city life!”) to a more rural locale in Virginia. Also, there is a hillbilly brother-in-law character played by that bald guy from The Office and Anchorman.
The Middle – September 30 on ABC @ 8:30 (NEW)
- I’m not sure who these people are fooling- this show looks pretty much exactly like Malcolm in the Middle with Patricia Heaton in the Jane Kaczmarek role. Also, it’s being described as “quirky.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all things quirky. What I hate though, what I truly loathe with a fiery passion, is forced, contrived or intentional quirkiness. But that’s why I can’t wait to watch it. It might be interesting with an offbeat sense of humor. Then again, anything that makes me wish I was watching Malcolm in the Middle deserves some kind of awful punishment.
Cougar Town – September 23 on ABC @ 9:30 (NEW)
- So I’m a sucker for anything starring Courtney Cox, sue me. The whole “cougar” concept, however, I find kind of lame. What began as an obnoxious term for middle-aged whores quickly became a full fledged phenomenon of low brow hilarity. Hopefully its initiation into prime town will reduce the number of HILARIOUS Cougar T-shirts I endure at the bar. Still, Cougar Town is only half about aged sluts and half about a high school football town (Mascot? You guessed it. The Cougars.) It was created by the guy who created Scrubs and also stars Busy Phillips from Freaks & Geeks (among other things). I predict this being one of my favorite new shows this season.
New Adventures of Old Christine – September 23 on CBS – 8:00 p.m.
- This is that show, that show I always forget that I watch until I see it at the top of my DVR list when I get up on Thursdays. That said, I’m looking quite forward to a brand new season. Seriously though, I do love Julia Louis-Dreyfus. So long as she brings the comedy, I’ll bring the laughter.
Parks & Recreation – September 17 on NBC @ 8:30 p.m.
- I’m worried about this show. (A) It began airing mid-mid-season last Spring. (B) It’s definitely awkward, and therefore somewhat off-putting. (C) I think it’s hilarious. A+B+C= You better watch now because it won’t last long.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – September 17 on FX @ 10 p.m.
- Seriously, if I could only watch ONE television show this season, ONE (which would be ridiculous and torturous wrapped into a whole mess of terrible) it would be THIS. Charlie, Dennis, Mac and Sweet D are probably my four favorite characters currently on television, and they’re all on the same show! Throw in a demented Danny Devito, and you’ve got the funniest, most original, most twisted half hour on television.
QUESTION: When the hell does 30 Rock return?
White Collar – September 4 on USA @ 10 p.m. (NEW)
- I don’t really know much about this show. Apparently, the story opens with a con-man’s release from prison, and although his only goal is to reunite with his girlfriend, he instead is enlisted by the FBI, to use his criminal mastermind to help catch other elusive criminals. That part I don’t care about. The part I do care about is that this show stars Tiffani Thiessen of SBTB and BH, 90210 fame. FINALLY, bitch is back on television.
Movie of the Week on Lifetime @ 9 p.m.
- Upcoming treasures include Georgia O’Keefe: Her Life was a Work of Art and other garbage starring Tori Spelling.
The Cleveland Show – September 27 on FOX @ 8:30 p.m. (NEW)
- A spin-off Family Guy that features the family of Cleveland Brown instead of Peter Griffin has me pretty excited. However, part of Cleveland’s charm is that he is sort of a novelty, a side character whose sporadic lines are funny, because they are few and far between. So long as this show resembles Family Guy more closely than American Dad, I’ll probably keep a few episodes on hand.
Desperate Housewives – September 27 on ABC @ 9 p.m.
- I LOVE the premiere of a serial drama. FINALLY, the cliffhanger will be resolved. Unfortunately, it’s been four months since I watched it, and my memory ain’t what it used to be. I think we’re waiting to discover if Mike married Susan or Katherine and if Crazy Dave survived the car accident. Lynette is pregnant, Bree and Orson are in the midst of some bizarre divorce and the Solis family now has a conniving teenager in the house. Rumor has it that Jesse Metcalfe returns this season, we’ll see if he hooks up with said Solis teen.
Curb Your Enthusiasm – September 20 on HBO @ 9 p.m.
- Uhhm, this show is so funny, I can’t even, I don’t have words. Larry David makes me feel so weird inside, though, that I can rarely watch more than one or two episodes in a row. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! Just oof, I feel funny. Which makes getting through the first six seasons before September 20 a little difficult. Forget about 1 through 6 if you must (I recommend watching as much as you can because, like I said, it’s hysterical) but watch 7, because it reunites the entire cast of Seinfeld– a show of which I am a die-hard fan. Plus, the show is unscripted so we’ll finally get to see what kind of comedians Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer really are.
Bored to Death – September 20 on HBO @ 9:30 p.m. (NEW)
- I’m not even going to look at the plot because I don’t care. Check out who’s in it: Jason Schwartzman, Ted Danson, Zach Galifanakis, Parker Posey, Kristin Wiig, Patton Oswalt, Bebe Neuwirth. Done, I love it.
Brothers & Sisters – September 27 on ABC @ 10 p.m.
- I’m giving this show one last chance. I swear, ONE. I do love the characters and I love the premise about the wealthy Pasadena family whose late patriarch continues to fuck up their lives from the grave. Plus, they’ve got the one brother who no matter how hard he tries, he tends to be just like his father, not unlike J.R. Ewing. Plus, any program that brings Rob Lowe into my home, I’ll be faithful to. This season we’ll find out if Kitty and Robert will stay married, if Tommy and Julia will stay married and if Justin and Rebecca will get married. UGH, think of a new fucking storyline already! Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe. Oh yeah, I love this show!