I think our previous posts here at NTO have made it abundantly clear that we are far from picky when it comes to watching television. Essentially, if it airs, we’ll watch it. Bad sitcoms? Sure. Terrible crime dramas? I’ve got an hour to kill. Programs aimed at gawky tweens? Why not. Simply put, our tolerance for absolute swill, is HIGH. Still, as low as they may be, we do have standards, and some shows just don’t meet them. Please keep in mind that Full House is pretty much my favorite show and that I have no qualms about tuning into Hannah Montana, Mama’s Family or Hee Haw, which I think speaks volumes about the selections below. The Top Five TV Shows I Wouldn’t be Caught Dead Watching are:
5. Matlock (1986 – 1992)
I feel a little bit guilty for putting this program on my list, because I really do have the utmost respect for Andy Griffith, but COME ON! This damn show has been infiltrating otherwise excellent re-run blocks for as long as I can remember. Already a fan of the Hallmark Channel, I must give them props for retaining the rights to this show, but removing it from the airwaves, but only as recently as last Spring. Who the hell came up with this show anyway? The real Barney Fife? Andy Griffith stars as Ben Matlock, an aged Colonel Sanders-looking lawyer who solves murder mysteries. It’s pretty much like Murder She Wrote except more awful. Was he a detective too? Did he personally solve the crimes? I have no idea, as soon as that damn theme song started, I was off the couch and out the door. I’m not sure anyone under the age of 90 could answer those questions, because no one born after 1929 has ever watched this show. Sorry Mr. Griffith, but your television comeback was super lame.
4. JONAS (2009 – present)
I’m not even going to try to explain what this bullshit is all about. The Jonas Brothers are one tween phenomenon that I would prefer to know nothing about. Three brothers, not unlike the Hansons, “play” their instruments and get involved in standard sitcom hi-jinx, probably. These “boys,” who are quite possibly my age, are a Disney product unlike any other. So fine, I watch Hannah Montana, mostly because I get a kick out of zany bad acting and plots that involve mistaken identity, schemes and costumes, but I draw the line at these damned Jonas kids. Enough already. They dress them up in tight little pants, and vests and trendy hats and I’m supposed to swoon? Is that even legal? (I’m seriously asking.) This show (which I have honestly never watched) makes me seriously reconsider my dedication to Disney Channel original programming. I can accept a shitty sitcom. I can accept a manufactured persona, but I refuse to accept a Disney created pop star super brand band comprised of no talent teeny boppers, especially in the absence of a father made famous by Achy Breaky Heart.
3. Heroes (2006 – present)
Fine, so this might be a really great show, but I’ll never know because of a personal vendetta I hold against it, specifically its creator, Tim Kring. Kring, you might not remember, created another show called Crossing Jordan for which I, was its only fan. For one season, BOTH shows aired. It was CJ’s final, and it suffered. Now, I understand that if you have two shows on the air, and one is immensely popular and the other is mocked relentlessly, then its an easy choice to make: Save the cheerleader, fuck Crossing Jordan. However, I would have liked to see Kring at least do the show justice in the series finale. Instead, he let the show die a slow and painful death and when it wasn’t renewed for the 2007 season, he changed the plane crash “cliffhanger” ending into a final rescue, which only featured half the cast. So, as far as I’m concerned Heroes can go straight to hell. Also, really? A super-heroes-(that-are-otherwise-completely-bad-archetypes)-among-us premise? Really? I like science fiction as much as the next guy, but don’t insult my intelligence.
2. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993 – 1998)
According to Wikipedia, this show aired in more than 100 countries. For a second, I reconsidered its placement on this list. Perhaps it is a really good show! Then I remembered that Baywatch was also immensely popular overseas, and I instantly hated this show even more. I cannot think of any premise that sounds less appealing, or more devoid of entertainment value than a late 19th century female physician proving her worth on the range. I hate a period piece, and I hate it even more if it stars Jane Seymour (whose foray into jewelry making and “art” is only a boon to my distaste for her.) And how am I supposed to identify with any of these characters? We have nothing in common. I’m worried that my health insurance won’t cover prescription mood stabilizers and they’re trading animal pelts for curing tonics made of dandelions.
1. Grey’s Anatomy (2005 – present)
Am I the only person who is completely offended by the absolute absurdity of this show? When was the last time you went into a hospital and nearly every doctor in it was super attractive and/or uncontrollably making out with a coworker? Alright, fine, I get it. It’s television and no one wants to stare at ugly people all day, but give me a fucking break. Hospital drama has been done before. How will Grey’s (as every fan insists on calling it) be any different? Oh how about we just up the sex factor by, oh, a million percent. Let’s just say, I’m not interested in what doctors do, ON or OFF the clock, so I’m already annoyed by this show. And now you’ve got everyone in America prefixing adjectives with “Mc?” UGH. SPARE ME! McDreamy, McSteamy, McIjusthrewupinmymouth. I’ll give it to you, Patrick Dempsey is a good looking guy, but he’s no Pitt or McConaughey, he’s barely a Bacon. In fact, he’s Ronald Miller, the nerdy lawn boy from next door who pays Cindy Mancini a thousand bucks to pretend to be his girlfriend for a week. And don’t even get me started on Sandra Oh. I saw Sideways. She wasn’t remarkable in that, and she’s no more remarkable in this. She just is. She’s on par with Teri Hatcher as far as I’m concerned. And Ellen Pompeo, adorable, but that voice, its so grating. Seriously, why do they insist on someone with a speech impediment narrating that show? It wasn’t annoying enough?