We love babies in this country. Don’t believe me? Just ask Utah. Or, better yet, US Weekly. US Weekly is so in tune with our lust for babies and pregnant women and people with babies and women with babies who lost all the baby weight and baby fashion lines and baby FEUDS (it’s coming, trust me. That Maddox looks like trouble) that little Suri Cruise is practically a cover staple. And though we weren’t always so obsessed with celebrities’ real life spawn (think about it- ten years ago, would the name of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s toddler daughter come rolling so easily off your tongue?), we have ALWAYS had a soft spot for that Very Special Episode- “So and So Gives Birth.”
With that, I give you my Top Five TV Births. Let the contractions begin! And the epidural! Where’s my champagne? Where’s my salami?!*
WARNING: Searching for baby-related TV clips on YouTube is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Proceed with caution if you don’t want to see a lot of homemade delivery videos (and I am not talking pizza. Mother of GOD)
5. Full House– Rebecca Gives Birth to Twins and the Most Ridiculous Living Situation/Solution Ever
Remember when Aunt Becky was pregnant with twins? And everyone (including me, shut up) was really, really excited? And then they went and were born on Michelle’s birthday (Michelle’s not special anymore. Awesome) And then, instead of MOVING OUT like normal human beings, they move back into the attic of their brother-in-law’s house and force the twins to live in a closet? Good times…
John Stamos, how much longer do you think you can get by on being COMPLETELY adorable?
4. Sex & The City- Miranda Gives Birth to “Oh, right. I have a baby.”
I love the Miranda-Mommy episodes. I can’t think of another show that’s tackled the whole notion of “I hate kids but I guess I’ll love my kid” issue before Miranda gave birth to Brady, her son with quasi-retarded bartender Steve. She’s just so bemused by the whole thing. She thinks baby showers are stupid, she hates being pregnant, she has NO CLUE what she’s supposed to do with a baby. Right up until the delivery, Miranda’s got rules about how it’s going to go down- she doesn’t want the nurses to be all cheery, she wants Steve to suck it up with all the man-crying and she wants it over and done.
Add her water breaking on Carrie’s heels and we’ve got ourselves some TV.
3. Friends– Phoebe Gives Birth to Her Brother’s Triplets
Now, there are some missteps in the Phoebe gives birth to triplets episode (mainly the whole thing with the doctor who’s obsessed with Fonzie although I do like that “dilated-amundo” joke) but I love it. I can’t help it. It’s all so good. Chandler and Monica are hooking up in the closet in secret. Joey and Ross are pushing out a kidney stone (changing forever how I say “KIDNEY STONE” ie with an Indian accent) in a lovely dual-montage with Phoebe’s birth (“Ow. Ow, ow, ow. OW.”) Phoebe tells Rachel that she wants to keep one of the babies (Rachel: “Oh, I’m going to be on the news.”) The fantastic Giovanni Ribisi running out and announcing the birth of his kids, dazedly walking back in as he realizes he now has THREE babies. Him making out with Kitty from That 70’s Show, another actress I would like to be in just about everything.
Sadly lacking in Friends clips on the old YouTube.
2. The Cosby Show– Sandra Gives Birth to (Surprise!) Twins
I will admit to loving it when the Huxtables go all soft and mushy on their kids. It’s rare but it happens. I ALSO love any time we get a “My BA-by!” out of Claire, preferably when she’s throwing her arms up in the air. It’s almost as good as when she gets really, really angry. Almost.
So Sondra finally gives birth, the big surprise being that it’s twins! (Unfortunately naming them “Winnie” and “Nelson”, the today equivalent of naming your twins Barack and Obama which I’m SURE has been done somewhere in America already) Obviously, the nicest part of the episode is her moment with Cliff and, apparently, the little speech she gives him about what a wonderful father he’s been was ad-libbed on Sabrina La Beauf’s part. So unbelievably sweet.
1. I Love Lucy– A Tiny Bongo is Born
Well, now. I have to end this on the biggest television birth in history. I’m a professional, after all. The episode “Lucy Goes to the Hospital” coincided with Lucille Ball’s C-section of her second child, Desi Arnaz Jr, culminating in the most watched television episode of the day.
And it’s so, so good. Ricky in his show makeup, in the waiting room and, one of my favorite scenes of all time, the “Ricky, it’s time” fiasco. It’s pure screwball, with Fred tripping over the phone, the suitcase spilling open, everyone stepping on each other and Ricky completely losing his cool. All culminating in them running out the door, leaving Lucy to wail, “Hey! Wait for me!”
*Classic line from E! one-season wonder Love is in the Heir. Anyone? Hello?