Season Premiere: Desperate Housewives (Oy Vey!)

by Beal

Desperate-Housewives-Season-6-Promo-Cast-Pic-desperate-housewives-8023154-1999-2560Desperate Housewives sixth season premiered last night on ABC and what a treat it was. I cannot believe I can still sit in front of this program and accept the things they have written down on paper and acted out before me. First of all, the cliffhanger is resolved in the most predictable fashion EVER. Ohh, it’s such a mystery! There’s a wedding, but did Mike marry Susan?? Or Katherine?? Hmm!? I wonder. Duh, obviously he married Susan, big surprise. Come on DH, your payoff sucked. And as for Crazy Dave who rammed his car into another car (in a plot to kill M.J. Delfino, human giga pet) we’re just not going to go there? No mention of his condition? Is he alive or dead? WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe he’s the guy that choked out Julie Meyer (who returned to the show for the apparent sole purpose of being strangled and left to die by the trash cans) in the final moments of the episode. Actually, that’s sort of a decent guess, because the new neighbor boy, who clearly has some secret issues in his past, is far too obvious.

Lynette is annoying as ever. She’s three months pregnant with twins and after an ultra-sound tells husband Tom that she “doesn’t love these babies.” Well, Lynette, you are a coldhearted bitch and if you didn’t think you were going to love them, you should have done something about that three months ago. I’m not going to listen to you bitch for the next 18 seasons about these damn menopause babies. Shut up and deal with it, or give them up for adoption. Better yet, go back to stealing other children’s Ritalin, you were interesting then.

1000067629Gaby and Carlos become the legal guardians of Carlos’ wayward niece, who happens to be the hottest girl on Wisteria Lane. Gaby feels compelled to show some tough love to this hardened teen, ripping her out the club in an embarrassing manner and forcing her to wear appropriate clothes to school. I couldn’t care less about this story line (except I sort of think that Jesse Metcalfe is going to re-enter the picture as her love interest, fingers crossed), but I did LOVE the part where Juanita (Gaby and Carlos’s obese kid) ghetto snapped and yelled “Oh snap!” when Gaby scolded the niece for her slutty appearance. What is this? An episode of That’s So Raven?

As for Bree, she’s busy having a somewhat seedy affair with Susan’s ex-husband/Bree’s ex-lover Karl Meyer. My hope is that it gets ACTUALLY seedy, and not just “seedy for Bree.” Stop with the flowers and the high thread count sheet bullshit, this story line has potential!

TVGuide-Outtakes-Dana-Delaney-desperate-housewives-3097066-317-400And now to my favorite new development of the season: Katherine is now crazy. First, she shows up to the new neighbor’s house (ahem, DREA DE MATTEO, what?) where all the other ladies are enjoying tea and crumpets to drop something off for Bree. When someone points out that the buttons on her shirt are misaligned, she perks out of normal and has a “Oh yea, it’s cause I’m crazy” moment. The following day, she commandeers Susan’s wedding dress and wears it while cooking red pasta sauce and taunting Susan. At the last second she snaps out of it, and again, realizes she’s crazy and gives the dress back. Finally, she shows up at the wedding, threatens Susan with a scene, Susan locks her in the closet, she gets out just in time and scampers down the aisle just as Susan and Mike are traipsing out. Susan makes a public apology to appease her, but because she’s CRAZY she doesn’t accept, but pretends to. This is what I was talking about when I say, “I can’t believe someone wrote that down.” Sure, Katherine’s lover (Mike Delfino) left her for her friend (his ex-wife) but come one, eat a bucket of ice cream, burn some photos and move on with your life. Seriously, I’m pretty sure when the script came out it just said, “Katherine is now batshit. Please act accordingly. – M.C.”


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