5. Jerry Seinfeld on Seinfeld (1989 – 1998)
At first glance, Jerry’s wardrobe isn’t that aesthetically offensive, but take a closer look. First of all, Jerry, I thought you were a native New Yorker, but nothing says “I’m Canadian and have no pride” quite like the entirely denim outfits you insist on wearing throughout the tenure of your program. And as if that weren’t awful enough, you frequently church that outfit up with a tweed jacket and tweed tie, to say nothing of the occasional sweater vest. Worse, you wear black jeans, tapered black jeans and seemingly try and pass them off as “dress” pants. But you know what accessory really ties the whole heinous get up together? The solid white cross trainers you insist on wearing with EVERYTHING. Do you have an orthopedic issue we’re not aware of? And I’m not even going to touch your early 90’s stand-up attire. The blazer with the jeans. A lot of tucking. You’re a funny guy, with his own apartment and a decent job in the entertainment industry. Enlist the help of Elaine already and get yourself some modern apparel, because like it or not, the puffy shirt was actually an improvement.
4. Dorothy Zbornak on The Golden Girls (1985 – 1992)
Oh Dorothy! Words can’t even describe the crimes against fashion that you have committed. Is that a nightgown? A long dress with an oversized vest? A one-piece skirt/skort/pant/jacket/blouse? Does that zip as one somewhere in the back? And why do you insist on rolling up the sleeves on EVERYTHING that you wear? Who do you think you are? Don Johnson? And what’s with the boots? The bottom of your dress/skirt/gown/pant has never approached anything short of ankle length, so I’m unsure why you’d go the extra mile and put on any kind of boot. You’ve now forced me to consider why you’re so steadfastly preventing any glimpse of your legs and for that, I hate myself. Oh, and Pussycat, lose the bow tie!
3. Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men (2003 – Present)
Who dresses like this? And why am I supposed to think it’s cool? This is a grown ass man, who brings home REALLY ATTRACTIVE women like it’s his job, yet he spends his days clad in bowling shirts of various hideous colorways, CARGO SHORTS repeat: CARGO SHORTS, and worst of all, mid-calf length socks and slip on shoes. Is he retarded? These get-ups sort of seem like the Garanimals of alcoholic adults–all the shirts match all the pants, match all the socks so getting dressed is simple! Perhaps the reason he never gets past the one-night stand (I’ve seen like six episodes of this show, the running theme seems to be that women swoon over him and then sleep with him hours after meeting him) is not because of his super cool fear of commitment and Peter Pan syndrome, but rather because when the girls get up to pee in the middle of the night, they catch a glimpse of his closet and realized that the just had sex with a man who wears bowling shirts, exclusively.
2. Nancy Bartlett on Roseanne (1991 – 1997)
You’ve got to have some pretty hideous duds to stand out on Roseanne. For Christ’s sake, Rosie spent half the series in an oversized rooster/chicken T-shirt, and Aunt Jackie has some of the ugliest sweaters television has ever seen outside of the Huxtable house, however, these costumes seemed to fit the characters. That’s who they were and for that, I can forgive the fashion faux pas. Nancy on the other hand, is unforgivable. Seemingly, this bitch never met a piece of spandex or animal print (bonus if it’s both) she didn’t love. Acid washed high waisted jeans? Fantastic! They’ll look dazzling with that leopard leotard and jacket that somehow involves fur. Neon! Why not? Apparently she never got the memo that she was living in 1990’s Lanford, Illinois and working at a loose meat sandwich shop and not in early 1980’s New Jersey and working at a hair salon in the mall. I like to think that if we’d seen Kimmy Gibler all grown up, her wardrobe would have been identical.
1. Jerri Blank on Strangers with Candy (1999 – 2000)
No other character on television has ever or will ever have a wardrobe quite as grotesque as Jerri Blank’s. It’s wonderfully repugnant, ugly in every way–cheap, synthetic fabrics cut in the most unflattering of ways, usually featuring colors in the rust family, really and truly a more hideous look has never existed. In the first episode, we learn that Jerri shops at The Comfort Zone, (which I can only imagine went out of business sometime in the 1970’s) and in subsequent interviews with Amy Sedaris that her look was achieved when Sedaris described to the wardrobe department that she needed to look “like someone who owns a snake.” Well, mission accomplished. Not only do I believe that this woman owns a snake, I also believe that she is a delusional 46 year old high school freshman who has spent more than one late night chained to a radiator snortin’ horse and smokin’ sticks of pot.