Character Spotlight: Veronica Palmer

NOTE 1: Hi, I’m back. I know, I’m excited too and wondering how I ever lived without myself.

NOTE 2: Today’s Character Spotlight choice is no accident. I am in an absolute panic that ABC might cancel Better Off Ted. And I’m already heartbroken over what’s currently happening to my precious Conan, it’s been a VERY STRESSFUL WEEK.

NOTE 3: I usually only have one cup of coffee a day, that’s it. Today I’ve had two and I tossed in a packet of sugar-free hot chocolate to make some kind of hybrid-mocha-instant cup of dark goodness. The effects are what you’d imagine. My heart is racing, I feel cold in strange places (like my ears and my right foot) and I just acted out all eleven episodes of “Being Bobby Brown” in my head. I MIGHT be dying. So this should be fun for you.

Show: Better Off Ted

Character: Veronica Palmer

Played By: Portia de Rossi

Keep It Succinct, People: As a big-wig in a massive conglomerate, Veridian Dynamics, which makes everything from weapons of mass destruction to plates that cook your food and then also feed you, Veronica is our narrator Ted’s boss. Don’t let the smiley photo fool you. She’s uber-professional, sleek and ice-cold. Kind of life if you worked for a robotic sports car. She calls her employees “drones”, she doesn’t have time to treat the people around her like, erm, people as much as individual money-making machines. She’s brutally efficient, keen to what makes VD (not an accident, that acronym) profitable and willing to hack you off at the knees if it means that the powers-that-be are kept happy.

The Juicy Tidbits We Know About Veronica: She once slept with Ted, her father is her greatest business rival and she used to feed her sister in her sleep and give her steroids so that Veronica would remain the slim, pretty one. Oh, and in the AMAZING Season 1 ender last year, it was revealed that Veronica’s only means for relaxing is by working as an assistant to a hilariously cheesy magician named Mordor the Unforgivable. A-mazing.

Why We Love Her: Ok, well, clearly all of the things I just listed should provide you with your first clues. But most of the credit goes to Portia de Rossi (a TV All Star with this being her third memorable character on a network show next to Ally McBeal’s Nell and Lindsey on Arrested Development), who portrays Veronica more like a finely-tuned machine than an actual human being. The deadpan delivery, the perfectly-timed, overdramatic reveals and sporadic moments of sensitivity make her incredibly fun to watch as she maneuvers her working relationships, studying her co-workers Ted and Linda as if they’re creatures in a zoo, tormenting lab scientists into proven productivity boosts by mentally torturing them with the sudden, inexplicable arrival of a red lab coat (you have to watch the episode. Brilliant), sleeping with her eyes open, shooting her cheating boyfriend with a harpoon, coaching Linda on how to be successful like her (eviserate someone in your vicinity and then demand a chicken sandwich. Linda flubs and demands a chicken but has so terrified the subordinate that Veronica muses, “I will get a chicken sandwich. You will very likely get a live chicken. Still, good work!”)

Glorious Better Off Ted Moments That Will Inspire You To Watch and Save This Show From Cancelation… Or Something Less Obvious

Veronica trying to be nice to her drones by decorating their workplaces for them. Isn’t that sweet?

The great Jabberwocky presentation. Veronica and Ted don’t have an actual product so they just make the world’s most kick-ass presentation… about NOTHING. (Obviously it works. I mean, check out those slides.)

Veronica has implemented a new automatic lighting system that, um, doesn’t register or turn on when her black employees enter the room.

Warning: N.S.F.W. AT ALL– And I don’t see how this can last on YouTube so watch it while you can…

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