5. Roseanne “It’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays” December 15, 1992
What in the hell kind of snowstorm hits so suddenly and instantly that adults in vehicles CANNOT travel mere miles across town to spend Christmas together? I mean, Judi and I know was well as anybody about the harsh Illinois winter, but no amount of snow could prevent me from a fun filled family Christmas, unless of course the place where I was “stranded” was flush with liquor. All I’m saying though, is if Nana Mary and Bev (at their age!) can walk around the parking lot, unload gifts from a car and make it back inside without breaking a hip then surely a former Lanford cop/truck driver could make it across town in a sedan. Also, where in the hell did David’s kid sisters come from?
4. The Golden Girls “Twas the Nightmare before Christmas” December 20, 1986
Alright, you got me, snow didn’t necessarily alter the plot of this episode, BUT COME ON! The final scene, when the snow is falling outside the diner as these four smiling seniors gaze out the frosty window to reveal falling snow IN MIAMI, is just adorable. And we all know that an olden timey diner is the ONLY place you can go during a snowstorm, especially after you and your three roommates whose flights to totally different locations were scheduled at the exact same minute, in the same terminal, at adjoining gates were cancelled due to inclement weather. Well I should say so! There’s snow in Miami, and if that doesn’t ground ALL FLIGHTS, then I don’t know what in the hell else would, besides David Caruso or course.
*The calendars Blanche gives the girls in this episode, actually feature REAL nude photos of different crew members. Ohhhh, on set pranks!
3. 3rd Rock from the Sun “Frozen Dick” March 26, 1996
Ya know, this show has so much potential, and then French fuckin Stewart comes on the screen and I remember why I hate it. Still, a snowed in episode is a snowed in episode, and this one is as kooky as it gets. Where are these aliens from again? This show is incredible in that its characters can arbitrarily know NOTHING about a given subject because they are ALIENS. . . HILARITY ENSUES!!! In this episode, we learn that our friendly human doppelgangers know absolutely nothing about WEATHER. Seriously? I feel like before departing your own planet with intentions of secretly living on another planet, you would have done some atmospheric research. Is that even a thing? Point being, if you’re technologically advanced enough for unrestricted space travel, then I feel like you should know what in the fuck snow is. All I’m sayin.
2. Family Ties “Birth of a Keaton Part I” January 24, 1985
Wow. Seriously, make with the zany already. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if Family Ties hadn’t jumped shark already, this might have been the episode where it did, or perhaps it was the following season when the baby that Elyse births in this episode, is entering junior high. First off, why do sitcom families always have to PERFORM in local telethons? Do you know ANYONE whose ENTIRE family was roped into a forced performance in a telethon? (Besides the Tanner family?) And as if that’s not enough, in the middle of Mrs. Keaton’s ridiculous hippie acoustic guitar set, she goes into labor, and informs her husband to meet her at the hospital ON AIR. Ugh. Really? Am I still watching this? And wouldn’t you know it, a snowstorm prevents Mama Keaton from getting to the hospital and Steven from getting to the studio, or something? I don’t even know, because I’M TOO DISTRACTED BY THE ZANY FUCKING PLUMBER to absorb anything else in the episode. Lord. Did a bucket of water really just fall through the ceiling while that fat fuck was vegging out on the couch? Hilarious.
1. Cheers “Tan ‘N’ Wash” November 6, 1986
This is possibly my favorite episode of Cheers EVER. In this classic business deal switcheroo, switcherooo, switcherooo (that’s right, I think there were three switcheroos), Norm gets the gang in on a sweet sweet business deal: a combination tanning salon/ laundromat. (Actually, that’s a fairly brilliant business, Norm). At first, NO ONE comes, and everyone but Norm pulls out of this super sweet deal. But wait! [SHOCKER!] A major snowstorm hits Boston, and all its residents rush into the Tan-N-Wash to get a tan, and possibly wash their clothes. Thank god for that snowstorm, Norm is rolling in the dough, as the gang mopes around about pulling out of the deal too soon and losing out on these crazy profits! But WAIT! Norm DIDN’T TAKE THEM OUT OF THE DEAL AFTERALL! EVERYONE IS RICH! But wait!!!!!!!! There’s too much snow! And the building collapses. Next week on Cheers no one mentions their failed business venture, the snowstorm, or why Woody’s tan has magically disappeared.