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Archive for the ‘Full House’ Category

Ohhh The CHRISTMAS episode. Will it be heartwarming? Will it remind me of how important family and friends are? Will I learn that expensive presents and lavish parties should take a back seat to helping mankind? Or for once, will I be glad I’m not a fiasco/tragedy/calamity prone TV family whose belief in the spirit of Christmas saves the day, but instead one of those people who spend Christmas in a bar?

5.  The Golden Girls “Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas” December 16, 1989

Why don’t any of the girls’ children/grandchildren visit them on Christmas? For heaven’s sake! If my grandmother frequented the Rusty Anchor, lived in a house with three other old coots in MIAMI I wouldn’t miss a Christmas with her if my life depended on it. However, if their families had come to town, then they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to spend the holiday serving homeless people Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen, because we all know, nothing strokes the Christmas spirit quite like the homeless (please see: #4 and #2). In a comic twist, though, one of the homeless men lining up for food is Dorothy’s ex-husband (“Hi. It’s me, Stan.”) who recently became homeless when his latest wife kicked him out, I think for cheating. In addition to his marital problems, he’s also gone bust on his latest business deal, which was selling some kind of useless novelty doodad. (So let me get this straight, this man has no place to sleep, not a dime to call his own and no food to speak of, yet he is storing hundreds of these piece of shit tchotchkes somewhere? I say throw them out and SLEEP there.) In the end though, it turns heartwarming, when Stan returns to the soup kitchen, dressed as Santa Claus and hands out his failed novelties as toys for the hobo children.

4. Saved by the Bell “Home for Christmas (Part I & II) December 7 & 14, 1991

Part of me would like to write nothing about this episode (special?) and let your remember it in all its glory all on your own. But I can’t do that. First of all, how does “the gang” continuously find employment in the EXACT same location? For the holiday season, they all get jobs at THE MALL. (The SAME mall where that hidden camera show followed them around the mall all night, whilst they were attempting to obtain U2 tickets). Lo and behold, a new teen enters the scene (exit Kelly as Zack’s love interest). When it appears as if she’s stolen a jacket from the men’s clothing store from whence Kelly works, she disappears. This is when shit gets interesting. So, the gang knows she’s innocent, and clear her name at the clothing store, but she’s still NOWHERE to be found. They all split up to look for her and a few hours later, Zack and his mother run into her at THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT. This is ridiculous. This is when we find out the she and her father live in their rusty ass hoopty in the parking lot OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT! Good thing this is a two-parter! Imagine what happens next. Yes. You’re right. That is what happens. Wow. I wish this episode(s) wasn’t such a crucial part of my emotional development.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Saturday, December 19 @ 7:00 a.m.

3.  Full House “Our Very First Christmas Show” December 16, 1988

Do you know how hard I laughed the first time I saw this episode? When everyone is waking up after being snowed in on Christmas Eve at some low-rent airport and Danny (or was it Jesse? Joey?) had fallen asleep on the luggage conveyer belt that rotated inside to outside all night long and now he is all covered in SNOW!! I was five and it was the moment I fell in love with sitcoms. THIS IS ABSURD. I am five years old and I am fully aware that this is absolutely ludicrous. I LOVE it. When the Tanner’s head for Colorado (and not-yet-Aunt Becky to Nebraska) for the holidays, they find themselves grounded in some rinky-dink airport terminal on Christmas Eve with about a thousand other people who don’t seem amused by Tanner family antics. Of course Stephanie is all worked up about whether or not Santa will be able to find her (which I think involves a comical scene inside a phone booth) and Joey dresses up like the old jelly belly to appease her. And then I think it alludes to the REAL Santa making an appearance in the airport. I don’t remember, I was too busy refusing to accept the plot line of this program to worry about whether or not Santa Claus was real.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family on December 18 @ 3:00 p.m.

2.  My So-Called Life “So-Called Angels” December 22, 1994

Yes, I did Photoshop that Santa hat on Rickie Vasquez. Why? Because without a little bit of Christmas cheer and humor, this episode will RUIN your Christmas. Like I said, it wouldn’t be Christmas without the homeless, but this show takes it to A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! Dear god this episode is tragic. Remember? Rickie had been living with the Chase’s (after being abused and abandoned by his own family) and getting along just great, until he overheard Patty the Bitch questioning Graham about how long Rickie should stay with them. Next thing you know, Rickie makes up a lie and is HOMELESS! DURING CHRISTMAS BREAK! It’s snowing out, oof, and there’s a homeless girl ghost who Angela gives her boots too and she sings and carries around a guitar, and confuses the fuck out of me. Awww, and then Angela runs off, to try and find Rickie. And she gets picked up by the police because she is in the HOMELESS TEEN WAREHOUSE when it got raided. All’s well that ends well though I guess. Patty finds Rickie at church, lighting candles and then I’m not sure what happens next because I’m too busy bawling into my oversized flannel to notice.

1.  A Very Brady Christmas “A Very Brady Christmas” December 18, 1988

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! From, the Brady's and their maid (front and center).

Alright, you got me. This is less of an “episode” and more of a “reunion movie” but well, fuck off, I’m making it my number one choice because I CAN. No other television event is so uselessly etched in my memory as the the time Mike Brady got trapped in a slowly collapsing building that he designed. (Those pesky kids were probably horsing around at his drafting table again!)  Oh and on Christmas! What’s a Brady to do??? Oh how about WE SING HIM OUT OF THIS NEAR FATAL SITUATION!! Oh good. It worked.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Tuesday, December 22 @ 1:00 p.m.

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Sure, spending Thanksgiving around a giant table with your closest friends and family and gorging yourself on unreasonable portions of dead bird, stuffing, noodles, mashed potatoes and cranberry is lovely, but wouldn’t you rather celebrate such a holiday with a group of strangers? Especially when those strangers have glib conversations with one another, exchanging witty one liners as they pass around platters of beautifully prepared traditional foods, and whose dysfunction is merely a means to a comical end, instead of the a fuel of awkwardness that makes everyone at the table wish they had eaten someplace else. I mean, if your grandmother falls piss drunk, face first into a plate of mashed potatoes and gravy, it’s time to stage an intervention, but if it happens on TV, you’ll probably find yourself wishing your family were as festive and fun-loving! So now, as you think back on the wonderful day that was your family Thanksgiving, reeling from your tryptophan hangover, check out the following, my favorite Television Thanksgivings:

 

5.  3rd Rock From the Sun – “Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick” – November 24, 1996 – (2×10)

I suppose if you were an alien, the concept of Thanksgiving would seem rather absurd. Such is the basis for the Thanksgiving episode of this somewhat forgetable sitcom. When the Solomons notice that everyone around them is hoarding food for some elusive event in the near future, they rightfully assume that the apocalypse is coming. Still, in an effort to appear, in the know, they decide to host their own Thanksgiving dinner with the help of their earthling friends. Hilary ensues, sort of.

4.  Roseanne – “We Gather Together” – November 21, 1989 – (2×9)

Well, no list of favorite holiday episodes would be complete without mentioning Roseanne (I might love this show a little too much). I’m going to be honest though, the Thanksgiving episodes all sort of blend together. The Conners are a family’s family so spending 22 minutes at their holiday table, is pretty similar to real life, except that I can turn it off when things get iffy. In this, the show’s first Thanksgiving episode, Jackie and Bev are the main event, bitching and fighting all day long about the series of unfortunate events that is Jackie’s life.  Bev: So you didn’t invite anyone? Jackie: Uhh, no, you know me, Mom, all my boyfriends like to spend Thanksgiving with their wives! Meanwhile, Roseanne’s been up since the ass crack of down “stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt,” all so I have something to laugh at for the rest of my life.

3. Full House – “The Miracle of Thanksgiving” – November 20, 1987 – (1×9)

Oh lord, how about you take this opportunity of a holiday special to make be roll around on the floor bawling like a baby. I GET IT JEFF FRANKLIN! PAM TANNER IS DEAD AND NOW HOLIDAYS ARE UNBEARABLE! Leave my heartstrings alone already. Oof. So it’s the first Thanksgiving at the Tanner house since mother Pam’s untimely death, so little D.J. (seriously “little,” she’s like 10) takes it upon herself to prepare a traditional feast for her new “blended” family. NOTHING goes right, the bird is all burnt, Steph drops a pie and worst of all, D.J. is forced to dress like Laura Ingalls. Oh and what you might ask is most sad about this? How about the part where Uncle Jesse takes the girls up to his room to look at photos of their mother and then Danny “forgot how much the girls looked like Pam.” I surrender, bring me some tissues.

2.  The Wonder Years – “The Ties That Bind” – November 14, 1990 – (4×7)

Be careful, this one will get ya! Oh, but what episode of The Wonders Years DOESN’T leave me an emotional wreck? Things are getting pretty tight at the Arnold house, and when the stove eats it, it looks like it’s going to be Thanksgiving at the soup kitchen. But then, right in the nick of time Jack gets a promotion at work! It’s going to be a wonderful holiday after all. Oh wait, NO! His new job means that he’s going to have to travel, and miss his family Thanksgiving. Looks like that new job was a double edged sword there Mr. Arnold, as well as a reminder that sometimes things aren’t better on television. It also begs the question, “Why can’t you just eat the Turkey on say, Saturday?” Oh right, because then I wouldn’t be upset for 45 minutes wondering if Jack will make it to his family Thanksgiving or not, whilst simultaneously ignoring my OWN family in order to watch television. If only MY life were narrated. . .

1.  Friends – “The One with the Football” – November 21, 1996 – (3×9)

Friends really outdid themselves when it came to Thanksgiving, and this episode just happens to be my favorite. It’s possibly because we finally get the gang outside of the confines of their apartments or Central Perk and into “the city,” which is quite clearly a patch of grass inside a studio. Or it COULD be because of a wonderful prop called the Gellar Cup, which is, as one of the friends so aptly described, “a troll doll nailed to a two by four.” While Monica cooks, the gang watches football on television, which leads to an impromptu touch football game in the park, where competition is FIERCE. Also, Phoebe is donning a That Girl shirt, and though that has NO bearing on, well, anything, I still felt like mentioning it because I’ve so oft wondered where she got it and why she owned it. Think about it, she was a homeless teenager, when would she have had time to watch That Girl?

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Six Degrees: NTO Style

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Camryn Manheim

The Challenge: I made the connection from Kirk Cameron to Camryn Manheim in 3 Degrees. If Judi can do equal or better, she wins 10 points + 5 bonus points IF she stays within the confines of television. If YOU, the reader, can do better AND post it in the comments before Judi posts her answer to the bottom of this post, YOU get a prize. Seriously, something terrific will show up on your door step within one calendar year.

The Rules: No online research allowed. ESPECIALLY IMDB!! Come on, it’s a GAME, half the fun is PLAYING not CHEATING. Any and all research conducted at your local library is accepted and encouraged. Connections through television AND movies are accepted, relationships are not.

Challenge Accepted (Judi): Oh, Beal. You little minx. At first, I was intimidated by the relatively small TV rosters for Manheim and our own Mike Seaver. But you should’ve known better than to start with a Cameron. Here’s how I did it:

(more…)

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5.  Andrew Lawrence to Joey Lawrence in Horse Sense – Disney Channel Original Movie – November 20, 1999

So fine, Andrew Lawrence doesn’t actually utter “You’re not my father,” but the meaning is all the same AND I’ve been dying to mention Horse Sense since this blog’s inception. In a classic diluted-rich-kid-learns-the-meaning-of-hard-work SLASH hardworking-poor-people-are-about-to-lose-the-family-ranch plot, little Andrew teaches Joey a thing or two about hard work and family. Then, in an effort to prove to him how far he’s come (both in work ethic and playing a father figure type) Joey completes the tree house Andrew had been working on alone since his father passed away. When the kid arrives home to find his cousin putting the finishing touches on the LAST REMAINING TIE TO HIS DECEASED FATHER he has a come-apart, scurries up the ladder and starts to rip it apart, all the while yelling, “This is mine and MY FATHER’S! MY FATHER’S!! NOT YOURS” etc. Please FF to the 7 minute mark to see this doozie of a clip.

4.  Julia/Baily/Claudia to Charlie in Party of Five – “Pilot” – September 12, 1994

Again, sorry, fine, so “You’re not my father” is only implied here. Lay off, I had a long week (of quality time with my own father no less). At any rate, no show could pull the ol’ dead-parents-heart-string quite like Party of Five, which they did in droves. Remember the pilot episode, when they’re all just becoming accustomed to the lives of well-to-do orphans, as barely-older brother Charlie takes on the responsibility of raising his sassy siblings? First, it’s Julia that tells Charlie to fuck off and then Claudia (AFTER PAWNING HER VIOLIN FOR MONEY!) shuts him down and finally Bailey exclaims, “A piece of paper does not make you a parent.” You’re right, Bailey, so quit bitching about skipping “practice” to supervise annoying baby Owen already.

3.  D.J. Tanner to Joey Gladstone in Full House – “Joey Gets Tough” – November 25, 1988

CLASSIC! This blog might as well be called “I ❤ Full House.” Not only does this show make half the lists on here, but this episode appeared as #1 only a few weeks ago and with good reason! When Joey, the house door mat, gets lambasted by Danny for being too easy on the girls, “Joey gets tough,” grounding D.J. for coming home late from karate practice. FORCING her to proclaim “You’re not my father!” before dramatically storming up the stairs to her room, all whilst clad in martial arts attire. Now, first of all punishing your child for coming home late from, say, a drug-induced underground rave is one thing. Grounding them for merely staying after practice to discuss strategy for an upcoming tournament, is quite another. If I were D.J. I’d surely have said, “Good. I hate participating in after school sports activities and I thank you for freeing up my weekend for some serious television time.” This probably spawns from the fact that I was K.O.’d in a karate tournament myself, circa 1993.

2.  Steve Sanders to Rush Sanders in Beverly Hills, 90210 – “Angels We Have Heard on High” – December 20, 1995

Sheesh. Steve’s father Rush (what a name!) was such a dick. Sure Steve was a bit of a rich brat but he never did anything that awful, especially in the eyes of an absent father who is generally proud of the early indicators of a future in shady business practices. And poor Steve, adopted son of a family sitcom star and a rich business man and from a broken home! It’s not his fault he delivered the sexy negligee to that dude’s daughter and the Easy Bake Oven (or whatever dumb toy) to the guy’s mistress. SOMEONE ELSE PUT THE LABELS ON THE PACKAGES! And of all things for Rush to really lose his shit over. Like what? You’re mad at me because I accidentally revealed to a nice lady and her young daughter that her husband/father was a cheating bastard. SOOOOORRR—RRRRYY!! Let’s also not forget that Steve finds out that Rush IS his real father, that he knocked up some waitress in the desert, and BOUGHT the baby from her to raise with his wife. Talk about nothing to be proud of, Rush! Unfortunately (and unbelievably) this clip cannot be found on the Intertron. So I offer you this bit of dialogue to act out with a partner:

Rush Sanders: I always knew you were stupid, but I never thought you’d be so self-destructive!
Steve Sanders: Thanks for the support, as usual.
Rush Sanders: Oh, good sonny boy. Keep up that sarcasm on the unemployment line.
Steve Sanders: What does that mean?
Rush Sanders: It means you lost your job at ITM, and you embarrassed the hell out of me considering that I was the one that got you that job in the first place. Scott Coveny told me to tell you that you’re finished there.
Steve Sanders: What are you talking about?
Rush Sanders: You messed up is what I’m talking about! You delivered the present that Scott was sending to his mistress to his niece. His wife’s sister’s kid got a leather bustier. His mistress got a Holly Home Maker oven! What the hell is wrong with you, you idiot? That note that was included in the bustier is gonna cost Scott a fortune now since his wife is now going to sue him for divorce.
Steve Sanders: [incredulous] Dad, I just delivered the packages to the addresses on the labels. I didn’t write them. I didn’t screw up. Somebody else did.
Rush Sanders: Somebody else screwed up. That’s your MO, kiddo. Did you just make that up, or did you rehearse it in front of a mirror before saying it to me? Yeah… sure, you mess up and it’s always somebody else’s fault. You used that same excuse last year for the bloody fire.
Steve Sanders: You know what? I don’t need to take that crap from you. That’s your MO. I didn’t do anything wrong and you never believe me. I got nothing further to explain to you, ’cause you just will not believe me.
Rush Sanders: Sometimes I’m ashamed to call a loser like you my son.
Steve Sanders: Then don’t bother. You’re not my father anyway!
Rush Sanders: Don’t say that.

Steve Sanders: Why not? You’re not my father! You’ve got nothing to be ashamed about and neither do I.

1.  Will to Uncle Phil in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air – “Papa’s Got a Brand New Excuse” – May 9, 1994

Go ahead and cue the tears. THERE’S SOMETHING IN MY EYE! In a show that was generally zany to the max (I mean look at all the neon up in there- “to the max” is an acceptable phrase) this episode really takes us to a new place EMOTIONALLY. I’m pretty sure that this fine episode is the reason that Will Smith was able to go on to a lucrative career in “dramatic” film acting.  Will’s deadbeat father Lou shows up in Bel Air and makes big summer vacay plans with Will. I wonder where this is going! In an effort to “protect” Will’s feelings, Uncle Phil tries to put the kibosh on Will’s trip, leaving Will with only one option: “YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER!” Oh and don’t worry, he eats it later (I mean, I don’t mean to be a dick, Will, but Uncle Phil did tell you so) when bum Lou eludes Will’s undying love yet again. “Why don’t he want me?” OMG! This episode is just heart-wrenching! Question: What is keeping Will’s mom in Philly? Why doesn’t she move in with the Banks? Or at least to L.A.? I feel like she doesn’t really love him either. Is that cold?

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Show: Full House (1987-1995)

Character: Stephanie Tanner

Actor: Jodie Sweetin

How Rude!: What an unfortunate turn of events for Ms. Stephanie Tanner. She was without a doubt the most ADORABLE child actor on television in the late 1980’s, and she had the dimples, the blonde ringlets and the sassy one liners to prove it! She was the undisputed “cute factor” in the family-est sitcom that ever existed. That is, until the Olsen twins acquired verbal skills and she was reduced to the awkward, unnoticed middle child with a knack for doing the right thing!

Some Love: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. NO OTHER television character elicits the cringe factor quite like Stephanie Tanner. Perhaps it’s because as a child I readily identified with Stephanie because we were the same age, middle daughters, spunky and had several of the EXACT SAME Spumoni outfits (it also didn’t hurt that my sister sort of resembles Candace Cameron) and so every time she did something super lame (which was a dozen times per half hour) I was forced to dry heave and hate myself for the remainder of the program. THAT SAID, I still LOVE Stephanie Tanner [for her dance moves alone]. Seriously, before she straightened her hair, and lost her lisp, she was the greatest thing on television.

Favorites/Things I Can’t Watch Without Dying Inside: OOF! With a capital OOF! Like I said, this bitch could make a corpse cringe. Still, how could you not LOVE the episode when Stephanie goes to junior high and whilst in the bathroom gets “peer pressured” into smoking? How much cooler would she have been if she would’ve just taken a puff or two? It’s cool though, because a few months later Gia befriended her anyway, and they started a SUPER RAD Ace of Base cover band that blew their set at the Smash Club, because they were too caught up in the image to worry about “the music.” Cripes! Some actual favorite moments though, are no doubt from the early years. Particularly when Stephanie had the chicken pocks and tried to sneak out of the house or when she had that dream about everyone loving Michelle and D.J. more than her and she got to fly around the living room in that pink space suit. Oh, and also when she is a guest on Joey’s Mr. Egghead show, and she gets punched in the face.

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by Judi

Clearly, living in LA for four years has its benefits.

5. Jessie Katsopolis’s Dad (John Aprea) from Full House

JAprea1-crop

I remember watching an award show once. Julia Roberts won for something, it must’ve been Erin Brockovich. And she climbs up on stage to receive it and then has a momentary freak-out because Beau Bridges (BEAU BRIDGES) is presenting it to her. I think she even said something like, “Oh my God, it’s Beau Bridges.” And everyone was like really? You’re JULIA ROBERTS. You hang out with George Clooney and Brad Pitt regularly, you’ve met EVERYONE and you freak out over Beau Bridges? What was the last thing Beau Bridges was in, can you even remember? (For the record, I’m so with you, Julia, who is clearly reading this. I once thought I saw Beau Bridges on a flight and almost had a heart attack. He is, after all, the dad from The Wizard).

So here’s my theory. Sometimes, it’s not the fame of the actor you spot in real life, in “the wild” you might say, but what you remember them from. As in, I was walking to work down Robertson Blvd. one day and passed Uncle Jesse’s dad in Full House and I. lost. my. mind. The Julia Roberts- Beau Bridges theory is the only excuse I can muster for my COMPLETELY illogical reaction. I almost attacked him on the sidewalk, such was my joy.

4. Lex Luthor (John Shea) from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

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This one was funny. My brother was visiting me. We were in my car, driving through an alley in Santa Monica when LEX LUTHOR steps out from the shadows and walks in front of us. And it was so embarrassing too because I think our jaws dropped at the same time and he turned to look at us, two gaping buffoons, and then smirked and kept walking. On his way to the Farmer’s Market. Lex Luthor wants some fresh produce and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

3. Michael Guerin/Jared Booth (Brendan Fehr) from Roswell/Bones

brendan-fehr-010When I moved to LA, my roommate/soon-to-be-best-friend (hi Bic!) and I spent the majority of our time dealing with living on a new planet (and yes, LA is its own planet. Make no mistake) by hiding in our new apartment and watching hours and hours and hours of Roswell. I think over the course of our tenure as roommates, we’ve watched those DVDs 7,000 times. So when I (finally) got a job in the Star Corridor (the corner of Beverly Blvd. and Robertson Blvd., home of a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf AND a Starbucks across the street from each other, “we met at Starbucks but different Starbucks”) and saw brooding alien Michael Guerin walking across the street, right next to my human body, I almost fell into traffic. I pulled my ass to the corner, called Bic and proceeded to hyperventilate. Over the course of my years in LA, I would see a number of other Roswell cast members- Maria in that Coffee Bean, Tess (you may know her as Claire from Lost) and Alex (Colin Hanks) at Coachella and, yes, my reaction was the same every time. Complete and utter meltdown.

2. Chanandelor Bong (Matthew Perry) from Friends (twice!)

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Speaking of the Star Corridor, Matthew Perry clearly has some kind of caffeine addiction. I saw him for the first time at the Starbucks, notable because I was on the phone with my mother at the time who got VERY excited and then said, “Tell him I’m watching Friends right NOW! It’s the one where he proposes to Monica.” Like I was capable of movement, much less approaching him and handing him a cell phone with my mother chattering on the other end about his tearful proposal. More likely, I would’ve gone up to him and told him that his episode of Growing Pains basically traumatized me for life, thanks a lot.

The SECOND time was at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (yup, right across the street. Chandler, like me, is not partial to just one massive coffee chain) and, to my everlasting joy, Bic had met me for a coffee break on her way back from either another dreadful temp job or a depressing interview. We both stood by the counter, waiting for our coffees, and Matthew Perry stood next to us ordering. We conversed THE ENTIRE TIME, mindlessly talking as we both tried not to stare at him. Finally, he left, we sat down and we looked at each other. What the hell were we talking about? She was saying things, I was saying things- she could’ve been talking about elephants and my response could’ve been about arugula. And now we’ll never know.

1. David Addison (Bruce Willis) from Moonlighting

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Ah yes, the car sighting. One of my favorites because of the sheer skill involved. Cars, after all, move pretty fast and you’ve got to be able to get a good look and confirm quickly. It’s also good if you’re either alone (so no one can dispute it) or the glimpse is substantial enough that you get immediate confirmation from the other party as well, lest you have a “George Michael on the 405” incident (Bic saw him, I didn’t but it didn’t stop us from stalking him in traffic for forty minutes) or a humiliating “Simon Rex in a LeBaron” moment which my friends will STILL not let me live down (it was him, I swear. I want those words on my tombstone. Also, their primary argument is that Simon Rex would not drive a LeBaron and I think that’s PRECISELY why it was Simon Rex. Come on.)

The Bruce Willis Sighting is my all-time favorite sighting of all time. I was driving through Westwood one day, in a residential area and pulled up to a stop sign to make a left turn. The car opposite me, a black Mercedes, had also stopped. I waited for it to leave so I could make my left but the car just STOPS in the middle of the intersection. I then realize that the car stopped because the driver was watching a leggy blonde in a sports bra jog across the street, like actually just watching her bounce along. I’m seriously irritated now and just about to lay on the horn when the driver turns to me, smirks, and it’s Bruce Fucking Willis. I just about shat in my pants, SHAT WITH A VENGEANCE.

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by Beal

5.  Family Guy “I Dream of Jesus” featuring “Surfin’ Bird” by the Trashmen (October 5, 2008)

foto-trashmen-surfin-bird-1964jpgIn 1963 this extremely annoying song reached #4 on the American Billboard Hot 100, (forcing me to assume that when it came to entertainment, the people of the 1960’s were none too discerning). After the episode was released in the UK in April 2009, the song reached #50 on the UK charts, a feat it failed to do when it was released in 1963 (when British people apparently still had standards). At any rate, this episode is hilarious (possibly my favorite) and it’s all because of this ridiculous song. Peter hears the song while the Griffins are out to eat at an authentic 50’s diner and the owner/manager allows him to take the record home because they were about to throw it away (with good reason). It quickly becomes Peter’s new favorite thing and the ONLY thing he can focus on. Brian and Stewie steal the record while he’s sleeping and destroy it Office Space style, before going to every record shop in town and scooping up every copy so that they will never have to hear this golden oldie again. You didn’t know about this? So what you’re saying is that you haven’t heard. . .

4.  30 Rock “Larry King” featuring “99 Luftballons” by Nena (February 26, 2009)

album-99-luftballonsCold war era German protest song; Deceased grandmother’s last recording of sentimental lullaby? Nena; Nana? What’s the difference? When mayhem and chaos plague New York City (due to some uneducated drivel Tracy spews during his interview on Larry King Live) Liz Lemon requires an escort to Long Island City to fetch her cell phone, which she left in a cab. She drags Kenneth along and the debate begins as to whether they’re REAL friends or if Liz just uses him when she needs something. (He’s a nice guy and all, but can anyone REALLY be friends with Kenneth?) What Kenneth doesn’t know (apart from all social cues) is that Liz desperately wants to retriever her phone because the cabbie that found it, also found “adult” pictures of Liz on it! Here’s the part where Liz makes up a fantastic lie that involves not only a dead grandmother, but a 26 year old international pop phenomenon.

3.  Cougar Town “Into the Great Wide Open*” featuring “Single Ladies” by Beyonce (September 30, 2009)

BeyonceSingleLadiesThat’s right, a show that’s been on for less than two months is making my list AGAIN. And even though my street cred is about to plummet, I do enjoy a little “Single Ladies” in my life (ask Judi why she does or does not hate this song) ESPECIALLY when it’s used in a montage of shameless candid photos from a night of middle-aged mayhem. Remember how the movie The Hangover kind of sucked, but it redeemed itself during the credits when they showed the photo montage of everything that happened during their collective blackout? Well this scene in Cougar Town is sort of like that, hilarious and fun (but without a two-hour build of up “I wish Vince Vaughn was in this movie”).

2.  The Sarah Silverman Program “Maid to Border aka Brian’s Song” featuring “Two Princes” by The Spin Doctors (November 7, 2007)

51WtXlFSboL._AA240_Brian Posehn and Steve Agee play the unlikely “gay neighbors” on The SSP. This video game/pot/TaB/heavy metal loving duo are hardly your typical gay BFF’s. They’re a bit slovenly, argue all the time and smoke entirely too much marijuana (if that’s possible). What’s important though, is that they know and love each other, or so Steve thought. When Brian starts taking daily walks to “listen to metal on his iPod” Steve becomes a little suspicious. And then he discovers something WONDERFUL: The Spin Doctors’ “Two Princes” is the ONLY song on Brian’s iPod. Meaning, he has been listening to this song EXCLUSIVELY for god knows how long, while walking around town skipping to the beat.

Watch clip HERE.

1.  Full House “Joey Gets Tough” featuring “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tiffany (November 25, 1988)

Tiffany-I_Think_We're_Alone_Now-12inNo other pop song is so ingrained in my memory as not a pop song, but the song that “D.J. and Stephanie stayed up late to watch on television.” Talk about being in desperate need of a Tivo! Or hell, a VCR!! When Danny FORBIDS Deej and Steph from staying up late to watch “Tiffany: Live from Tokyo” Joey could have just taped the event, allowing the girls to watch it later. But then we wouldn’t have gotten the angry father catches pajama clad tweens dancing with his irresponsible best friend whom he doesn’t even pay to watch his children. And what time was this damn concert on anyway? She’s “LIVE” from Tokyo, yet, it’s roughly 10 p.m. in San Francisco? That makes it what? 3 p.m. in Tokyo? What kind of shitty mid-afternoon show is this? And who stays up late to see Tiffany “perform” anyway? Couldn’t you just listen to the tape before bed and call it a day? CHILDREN BEEEHAAAAAAAVE. . . .or Joey’s going to GET TOUGH!

*I just noticed that EVERY Cougar Town episode shares its title with a Tom Petty song.

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