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Archive for the ‘Golden Girls’ Category

Ohhh The CHRISTMAS episode. Will it be heartwarming? Will it remind me of how important family and friends are? Will I learn that expensive presents and lavish parties should take a back seat to helping mankind? Or for once, will I be glad I’m not a fiasco/tragedy/calamity prone TV family whose belief in the spirit of Christmas saves the day, but instead one of those people who spend Christmas in a bar?

5.  The Golden Girls “Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas” December 16, 1989

Why don’t any of the girls’ children/grandchildren visit them on Christmas? For heaven’s sake! If my grandmother frequented the Rusty Anchor, lived in a house with three other old coots in MIAMI I wouldn’t miss a Christmas with her if my life depended on it. However, if their families had come to town, then they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to spend the holiday serving homeless people Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen, because we all know, nothing strokes the Christmas spirit quite like the homeless (please see: #4 and #2). In a comic twist, though, one of the homeless men lining up for food is Dorothy’s ex-husband (“Hi. It’s me, Stan.”) who recently became homeless when his latest wife kicked him out, I think for cheating. In addition to his marital problems, he’s also gone bust on his latest business deal, which was selling some kind of useless novelty doodad. (So let me get this straight, this man has no place to sleep, not a dime to call his own and no food to speak of, yet he is storing hundreds of these piece of shit tchotchkes somewhere? I say throw them out and SLEEP there.) In the end though, it turns heartwarming, when Stan returns to the soup kitchen, dressed as Santa Claus and hands out his failed novelties as toys for the hobo children.

4. Saved by the Bell “Home for Christmas (Part I & II) December 7 & 14, 1991

Part of me would like to write nothing about this episode (special?) and let your remember it in all its glory all on your own. But I can’t do that. First of all, how does “the gang” continuously find employment in the EXACT same location? For the holiday season, they all get jobs at THE MALL. (The SAME mall where that hidden camera show followed them around the mall all night, whilst they were attempting to obtain U2 tickets). Lo and behold, a new teen enters the scene (exit Kelly as Zack’s love interest). When it appears as if she’s stolen a jacket from the men’s clothing store from whence Kelly works, she disappears. This is when shit gets interesting. So, the gang knows she’s innocent, and clear her name at the clothing store, but she’s still NOWHERE to be found. They all split up to look for her and a few hours later, Zack and his mother run into her at THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT. This is ridiculous. This is when we find out the she and her father live in their rusty ass hoopty in the parking lot OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT! Good thing this is a two-parter! Imagine what happens next. Yes. You’re right. That is what happens. Wow. I wish this episode(s) wasn’t such a crucial part of my emotional development.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Saturday, December 19 @ 7:00 a.m.

3.  Full House “Our Very First Christmas Show” December 16, 1988

Do you know how hard I laughed the first time I saw this episode? When everyone is waking up after being snowed in on Christmas Eve at some low-rent airport and Danny (or was it Jesse? Joey?) had fallen asleep on the luggage conveyer belt that rotated inside to outside all night long and now he is all covered in SNOW!! I was five and it was the moment I fell in love with sitcoms. THIS IS ABSURD. I am five years old and I am fully aware that this is absolutely ludicrous. I LOVE it. When the Tanner’s head for Colorado (and not-yet-Aunt Becky to Nebraska) for the holidays, they find themselves grounded in some rinky-dink airport terminal on Christmas Eve with about a thousand other people who don’t seem amused by Tanner family antics. Of course Stephanie is all worked up about whether or not Santa will be able to find her (which I think involves a comical scene inside a phone booth) and Joey dresses up like the old jelly belly to appease her. And then I think it alludes to the REAL Santa making an appearance in the airport. I don’t remember, I was too busy refusing to accept the plot line of this program to worry about whether or not Santa Claus was real.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family on December 18 @ 3:00 p.m.

2.  My So-Called Life “So-Called Angels” December 22, 1994

Yes, I did Photoshop that Santa hat on Rickie Vasquez. Why? Because without a little bit of Christmas cheer and humor, this episode will RUIN your Christmas. Like I said, it wouldn’t be Christmas without the homeless, but this show takes it to A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! Dear god this episode is tragic. Remember? Rickie had been living with the Chase’s (after being abused and abandoned by his own family) and getting along just great, until he overheard Patty the Bitch questioning Graham about how long Rickie should stay with them. Next thing you know, Rickie makes up a lie and is HOMELESS! DURING CHRISTMAS BREAK! It’s snowing out, oof, and there’s a homeless girl ghost who Angela gives her boots too and she sings and carries around a guitar, and confuses the fuck out of me. Awww, and then Angela runs off, to try and find Rickie. And she gets picked up by the police because she is in the HOMELESS TEEN WAREHOUSE when it got raided. All’s well that ends well though I guess. Patty finds Rickie at church, lighting candles and then I’m not sure what happens next because I’m too busy bawling into my oversized flannel to notice.

1.  A Very Brady Christmas “A Very Brady Christmas” December 18, 1988

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! From, the Brady's and their maid (front and center).

Alright, you got me. This is less of an “episode” and more of a “reunion movie” but well, fuck off, I’m making it my number one choice because I CAN. No other television event is so uselessly etched in my memory as the the time Mike Brady got trapped in a slowly collapsing building that he designed. (Those pesky kids were probably horsing around at his drafting table again!)  Oh and on Christmas! What’s a Brady to do??? Oh how about WE SING HIM OUT OF THIS NEAR FATAL SITUATION!! Oh good. It worked.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Tuesday, December 22 @ 1:00 p.m.

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by Judi

In “the biz” (ugh, I hate me too) we call this “synergy.” Basically, what it boils down to is a scene between the studio head, the executive producer of a TV show and the guy at the record label. They all talk and laugh and order shrimp and then they discuss ways where the people who watch TV can also buy the single for a popular song or “pop song” as we say in the, erm, world.

Sometimes, it’s not for commercial reasons. Sometimes, it’s purely because the auteur behind the scene (hating myself even more, didn’t think it was possible) just feels like this is the song that needs to be played. Like that Don Henley song “New York Minute” that plays at the end of the West Wing episode “Somebody’s Going to Emergency…” as Sam Seaborn calls his philandering dad. Surely, Aaron Sorkin wasn’t trying to squeeze a few extra bucks out of us for Don Henley. He just felt like that song was appropriate, we would assume, since a lyric from the song sparked the episode title.

Anyway, sometimes it works and sometimes it’s just a hilarious, BRILLIANT example of how studio heads will do anything for a few extra bucks. LET’S CELEBRATE THEM ALL. Because it’s Friday and it’s time for TV.

5. Grey’s Anatomy featuring Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars”

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And sometimes, the show makes the band. A friend of mine, we’ll call her Bic as she likes pens and for no other reason, told me a story once about Snow Patrol, about how they were milling about backstage after or before one of their shows and TR Knight wandered in to say hello. The band was polite and TR left and one of the Snow Patrol guys asked the room who that was. When the answer, “The guy from ‘Grey’s Anatomy'” came, Snow Patrol guy’s eyes widened. “Oh. That show made us quite famous here, didn’t it?” Yes, British guy. Yes, it did.

Snow Patrol’s songs are famously theatrical. It’s part of the reasons why some people hate them but mostly why I like them, because when I listen to them I can pretend like I’m in a movie trailer about a plucky blogger who watches TV all day and sometimes forgets to wash the conditioner out of her hair. Or I listen to them and remember when Denny died and the many moons ago when I still liked Katherine Heigl and this show.

4. The Wonder Years featuring Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight”

imgBob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band3

Welcome to the song/TV moment that genuinely makes me cry. I remember vividly watching this unfold, watching poor Kevin Arnold climb onto the roof, peering into Winnie Cooper’s bedroom as she lay recovering from that bad car accident, and listening to this song play softly in the background. I remember thinking, “This is the prettiest song I’ve ever heard in my life.” I was 23 years old. Ok, no, I was like ten.

On a somewhat-related note, why can’t I buy this song on iTunes? Seriously, what is the deal? Every once in a while, I go to the store, look for the song and come up empty. Is it so WRONG to want “We’ve Got Tonight” and “Hollywood Nights” in my life? I’m not looking for an anthology or anything here.

3. Beverly Hills 90210 featuring Color Me Badd

Welcome to the song/TV moment that I actually CANNOT WATCH THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH. If cringing were an Olympic sport, I’d have four Gold medals and Michael Phelps’ bong in my hands right now.

That being said, what a fantastic episode. Every fan of the 90210 canon (that’s right, I called it a fucking canon) knows the Color Me Badd episode, and for good reason as this is the episode where we discover that Donna Martin’s uber-stuck-up mom is having an affair at the very same hotel where Donna’s favorite “band” is staying. “Group”? “Collection of soul-wrenching awful, complete with soul-patch?” “Possessors of THE MOST AMAZING PHOTO EVER TAKEN?”

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For the uninitiated, if you’ve been wondering where the inspiration  for “Dick in a Box” comes from, meet the Granddaddies. Oh, and try to watch this video without wanting to slap Kelly in the face.

2. Golden Girls featuring Sonny & Cher’s “I Got You Babe”

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What happens when one gay icon impersonates another? Does the world just start caving in on itself? If so, fine. I’ll be sucked into the center of the earth with this number playing on my iPhone and I will be cackling all the way.

It’s Bea Arthur’s deadpan that just destroys me and her movements are down. Ugh, I miss her. If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here sending chocolates and vitamins to Betty and Rue.

1. Dawson’s Creek featuring Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait”

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Dawson’s Creek, the first major show for the fledgling WB network, was also the first show I could remember that played a LOT of pop music in place of an instrumental score. It also went one step further, revealing at the end of the episode the name and artist for the featured songs in the episode (now copied by a lot of CW shows, including Glee). And while most of them are ’90s pop relics and one-hit wonders that no one ever heard of again, there is no greater ’90s pop relic than this one. As soon as you hear Paula Cole’s wail about waiting and what-not, you are immediately sent back to this- a J. Crew commercial disguised as opening credits.

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by Beal

5. Jerry Seinfeld on Seinfeld (1989 – 1998)

seinfeld_tv_showAt first glance, Jerry’s wardrobe isn’t that aesthetically offensive, but take a closer look. First of all, Jerry, I thought you were a native New Yorker, but nothing says “I’m Canadian and have no pride” quite like the entirely denim outfits you insist on wearing throughout the tenure of your program. And as if that weren’t awful enough, you frequently church that outfit up with a tweed jacket and tweed tie, to say nothing of the occasional sweater vest. Worse, you wear black jeans, tapered black jeans and seemingly try and pass them off as “dress” pants. But you know what accessory really ties the whole heinous get up together? The solid white cross trainers you insist on wearing with EVERYTHING. Do you have an orthopedic issue we’re not aware of? And I’m not even going to touch your early 90’s stand-up attire. The blazer with the jeans. A lot of tucking. You’re a funny guy, with his own apartment and a decent job in the entertainment industry. Enlist the help of Elaine already and get yourself some modern apparel, because like it or not, the puffy shirt was actually an improvement.

4. Dorothy Zbornak on The Golden Girls (1985 – 1992)

dorothyOh Dorothy! Words can’t even describe the crimes against fashion that you have committed. Is that a nightgown? A long dress with an oversized vest? A one-piece skirt/skort/pant/jacket/blouse? Does that zip as one somewhere in the back? And why do you insist on rolling up the sleeves on EVERYTHING that you wear? Who do you think you are? Don Johnson? And what’s with the boots? The bottom of your dress/skirt/gown/pant has never approached anything short of ankle length, so I’m unsure why you’d go the extra mile and put on any kind of boot. You’ve now forced me to consider why you’re so steadfastly preventing any glimpse of your legs and for that, I hate myself. Oh, and Pussycat, lose the bow tie!

3. Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men (2003 – Present)

Charlie HarperWho dresses like this? And why am I supposed to think it’s cool? This is a grown ass man, who brings home REALLY ATTRACTIVE women like it’s his job, yet he spends his days clad in bowling shirts of various hideous colorways, CARGO SHORTS repeat: CARGO SHORTS,  and worst of all, mid-calf length socks and slip on shoes. Is he retarded? These get-ups sort of seem like the Garanimals of alcoholic adults–all the shirts match all the pants, match all the socks so getting dressed is simple! Perhaps the reason he never gets past the one-night stand (I’ve seen like six episodes of this show, the running theme seems to be that women swoon over him and then sleep with him hours after meeting him) is not because of his super cool fear of commitment and Peter Pan syndrome, but rather because when the girls get up to pee in the middle of the night, they catch a glimpse of his closet and realized that the just had sex with a man who wears bowling shirts, exclusively.

2. Nancy Bartlett on Roseanne (1991 – 1997)

Picture 2You’ve got to have some pretty hideous duds to stand out on Roseanne. For Christ’s sake, Rosie spent half the series in an oversized rooster/chicken T-shirt, and Aunt Jackie has some of the ugliest sweaters television has ever seen outside of the Huxtable house, however, these costumes seemed to fit the characters. That’s who they were and for that, I can forgive the fashion faux pas. Nancy on the other hand, is unforgivable. Seemingly, this bitch never met a piece of spandex or animal print (bonus if it’s both) she didn’t love. Acid washed high waisted jeans? Fantastic! They’ll look dazzling with that leopard leotard and jacket that somehow involves fur. Neon! Why not? Apparently she never got the memo that she was living in 1990’s Lanford, Illinois and working at a loose meat sandwich shop and not in early 1980’s New Jersey and working at a hair salon in the mall. I like to think that if we’d seen Kimmy Gibler all grown up, her wardrobe would have been identical.

1.  Jerri Blank on Strangers with Candy (1999 – 2000)

105ficusNo other character on television has ever or will ever have a wardrobe quite as grotesque as Jerri Blank’s. It’s wonderfully repugnant, ugly in every way–cheap, synthetic fabrics cut in the most unflattering of ways, usually featuring colors in the rust family, really and truly a more hideous look has never existed. In the first episode, we learn that Jerri shops at The Comfort Zone, (which I can only imagine went out of business sometime in the 1970’s) and in subsequent interviews with Amy Sedaris that her look was achieved when Sedaris described to the wardrobe department that she needed to look “like someone who owns a snake.” Well, mission accomplished. Not only do I believe that this woman owns a snake, I also believe that she is a delusional 46 year old high school freshman who has spent more than one late night chained to a radiator snortin’ horse and smokin’ sticks of pot.

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by Beal

20080723_getty2Show: The Golden Girls

Character: Sophia Patrillo

Actor: Estelle Getty

Basically: Sophia is the sharp-tongued octogenarian of the group. Fresh out of the home (Shady Pines) she lives with her daughter Dorothy, and her two roommates Blanche and Rose. Her speech has no filter, a side effect of a previously suffered stroke and an acerbic wit. She’s a tough little Sicilian who has close ties with the mob, and can cast a curse on unsuspecting victims who have crossed her. She speaks of vendettas and hidden bodies like they’re recipes for sauce, which are her real secrets. She quick to give advice to the other “girls” because despite their senior status, she’s still twice as wise (which isn’t hard when we’re talking about Rose and Blanche). She’s tiny, with curly white hair and wouldn’t be caught dead without her wicker/bamboo purse clutched tightly, handles nestled comfortably in the crevice of her inner elbow. Getty was nominated seven times and won one Emmy for her portrayal of Sophia Petrillo.

Amore: Few characters on television strike the balance between bitingly sarcastic and sweet old lady like Sophia. She really is one in a million. Her constant lesson sharing, beginning with my favorite Sophia-ism “Picture it. . .Sicily. . .1923. . .” Or how about how she’s always onto some make money quick scheme? A quick mention of “Shady Pines, Ma” though, and she settles herself down and begins to behave. And although she constantly insults and ridicules Blanche and Rose she loves them as if they were her own daughters and hands out advice (and hard candies) like its, well, hard candies. And hardly an episode goes by where she and “Pussycat” don’t share a heartwarming mother/daughter moment that reminds us all, that behind that old, bitter and rude exterior is just a Pope-loving, funny woman with a heart of gold.

Favorite Moments:  Seriously, Sophia has the best lines in the show. Half of it is her delivery, but either way, she’s the kind of character that only has to open her mouth in order to make me laugh. For as much TV as I watch, I honestly don’t laugh out loud as frequently as one might expect, Sophia though, is one of those characters that elicits the kind of laughter that makes television completely worth watching. Let’s see, anytime Dorothy’s ex-husband Stan Zbornak enters the scene and Sophia is compelled to immediately insult him.(Stan: Hi, Sophia. You’re looking younger everyday. Sophia: Hi Stan, and that’s a beautiful toupee you’re wearing. Great, now we’re both liars.) How about the episode where Rose is dating the midget doctor and Blanche, usually one to keep contained keeps slipping up mention things like shrimp and what not upon his surprise arrival at their door. When Sophia enters, she is nothing but polite, until he leaves, at which point she needs reassuring that she hasn’t, in fact, had another stroke. Or when Sophia believes she’s had a heart attack, but it is only sad until the paramedics ask her what she’s had to eat that day, and it’s enough food to feed an army of stoners. I also love any episode when “Picture it” leads to a flashback to the Petrillo’s WWII era Brooklyn apartment and Sophia plays herself, but without the white wig and glasses on a chain while Dorothy is played by a Celine Dion look-alike. The point is, it’s never what Sophia does, but what she says that really cracks my shit up, and for that, we love her.

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by Judi

Oh, CALAMITY. I will admit to being one of those faithful viewers who gets all the giddy at the prospect of a Very Special Episode, especially when that Very Special Episode involves words like “murder, shooting, stabbing, rape and betrayal.” You know, the kinds of cheery topics that just scream sitcom. If we’re lucky, the best life-threatening predicaments bring on an emotional outburst or two, maybe a touching montage or a series of emotional flashbacks. In other words, they bring about things that I eat up with a spoon. Oh yeah, and they are also unusually superior episodes, rife with actual tension and set the plot in a new, very exciting direction.

I had a hard time narrowing down my choices for this list. Other top contenders included Lost (Michael shoots Libby and Ana Lucia), Arrested Development (Buster’s “coma”), House (pretty much every season finale- they really like putting their cast in mortal peril), and Roseanne (Dan’s heart attack). And now, the juicy little episodes that made the final cut.

5. Golden Girls– Rose’s heart attack in “Home Again, Rose (1 & 2)” (1992)

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Center a hit sitcom around a group of feisty old broads and you just know that one of them will, eventually, have a heart attack or some kind of major health crisis. Had it been acerbic Sophia (who suffered a heart attack in the first season, before our love truly had time to develop), eye-rolling Dorothy or lusty Branche, it would’ve been devastating for sure- but soft-hearted, mush-brained Rose? Oh, man. Nothing gets you more ferklempt than when that group of feisty old broads tear up and admit their fears of losing their sweet, much-mocked friend. Add a little tension with Rose’s bitchy daughter who disapproves of how her mother has chosen to live out her golden years and the fact that they can’t even get in to to see Rose because they aren’t “family” and, and- I’m sorry, there’s something in my eye. Talk amongst yourselves.

Watch clip

4. Beverly Hills 90210– Donna almost gets raped in”Love Hurts” (1995)

jennie-garth-shannon-doherty-tori-spelling-beverly-hills-90210

As soon as I hit 90210 on the show list, I had to pause. Because, really, there are just SO MANY life-threatening predicaments to choose from. And sure, I could’ve gone with Victim Supreme (that would be Kelly “Never Saw a Soap Tragedy She Didn’t Like” Taylor) or maybe Andrea cooing over her premie baby in the hospital or Brenda talking down a lighter-holding Emily Valentine but I have to admit that Donna’s near-rape is possibly my favorite. It could have something to do with Tori Spelling’s bleached bob phase, the ultra-’90s outfit of baby-T with suspenders combo, but the kicker is that David saves her with a baseball bat, all because Donna tells “Dave” that everything’s all right and there’s not really a knife-wielding rapist in her bedroom. David kicks in the door, Donna’s sacred treasure is spared to turn down abusive Ray Pruitt a few more times, and all across America, girls call their friends to let them know what their “A rapist is in my room” code-word will be. (In case you’re wondering, Beal and I have already talked about it and she knows that if I call her “Melissa”, it’s time to break down the door).

In other news, I am SHOCKED that this clip isn’t on Youtube. Shocked and dismayed that while all the 90210 fans are busy setting fan videos of Donna and David clips to old Sarah Mclachlan songs, no one has put the “Dave” clip up for my viewing pleasure. Inexcusable.

3. West Wing– Josh is shot in “In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 1” (2000)

West Wing could’ve gone the usual route with their assassination-attempt episodes at the start of the show’s second season- God knows the situation is emotional enough already. The president has been shot but Josh has been shot too, just a pure knife to the heart right there. I could watch that scene of First Lady Rizzo comforting his assistant Donna and still be satisfied but then they throw in all these flashbacks about how Bartlett’s team was assembled during the campaign. We get to see Toby recruit CJ, Donna basically worm her way into working for Josh just by pretending he’d already hired her, and, the best, Josh going to recruit Sam at his fancy schmancy law firm after Bartett wins him over with an off-the-cuff town hall speech that proves he’s “the real deal.”

2. ER– Carter and Lucy get stabbed in “All in the Family” (2000)

My relationship with ER was pretty rocky when hot Luca replaced hot Clooney on the world’s longest running medical drama but even I had to tune in for this one- the scenario is simple enough- Carter and Lucy (Becca!) are stabbed and lay bleeding to death in a dark exam room while, outside, everyone parties down, completely oblivious. When Carrie Weaver finds them and ushers them into the ER, you can practically feel the usual adrenaline rush get kicked up a few notches as the nurses and doctors work frantically to save their friends. They save Carter but lose Lucy, whose death scene is heartbreaking as she tells Elizabeth Corday not to be sad or guilty that they couldn’t save her. But I think my favorite shot would have to be the one of Benton, Carter’s long-suffering mentor, barreling down the stairs and pushing past people after he’s heard the news.  Awe-some.

1. Friday Night Lights– Jason is paralyzed in “Pilot” (2006)

Friday Night Lights starts off with a bang, no-holds barred, when quarterback superstar Jason Street goes for a tackle with his head down and ends up on a stretcher. In Texas, as the show and the Billy Bob Thorton-movie it was based on tell us, high school football is king. So, yeah, losing your star player, an All-American, to a life in a wheelchair is pretty much the biggest tragedy you can think of. And of course, this is just where Friday Night Lights is getting started. Suddenly, Dillon, Texas has a fallen hero, an underdog coach, a devastated town and a second-string quarterback who’s never been on the field. And I find myself in love with a show about football even though I could care less about football.

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by Beal

Back in 1981 Luke and Laura set the bar pretty high for television weddings, drawing nearly 30 million viewers–the most ever for a daytime drama. That said, be aware that the following nuptials do not begin to compare–in total viewers, quality or emotional impact. I now pronounce these, my favorite television weddings of all time:

5. Ross & Rachel on Friends 1999

Sure, maybe Monica and Chandler’s wedding was more “romantic” or “planned,” and Ross and Emily’s wedding was a bigger television event, but Ross and Rachel’s drunken mid-blackout accidental wedding, is one of the few moments on Friends that was funny even after “The Rachel” had grown out. Sure I’m a sucker for any drunken debauchery from characters that are normally as sober as practicing Mormons, but this scene is both a classic and a cautionary tale, and what more could we ask from a couple of talent-free millionaires?

 

4. Nancy Botwin & Peter Scottson on Weeds 2006

weeds11Hmm, I’m not sure I’m proud that at least two of my favorite five weddings went down in Vegas, but this quickie wedding tends to be a rather frequently used plot device in TV land. At any rate, we all know that the widow Botwin slings dope out of her suburban tract house, what we don’t learn until the end of Season 1, is that the guy she met at her son’s karate tournement and slept with a couple episodes later, is a DEA agent. She’s small potatoes when they first hook up, but when she decides to expand her business, only a marriage could keep the two together. Yes, this is a ridiculous plot point, but it is the ONLY logical way that either of these people can carry on with their lives!!! Obviously if they’re married, neither can be forced to testify against the other. Let me just sum this up, Pot Dealer marries Drug Enforcement Agent, obviously this ends in total disaster, that I applaud, leaving Nancy Botwin, twice widowed, and soon, under investigation.

 

3. Sue Ellen Mishky & Pinter on Seinfeld 1997

Fine, so I don’t know who in the hell Pinter is or where he came from, but I do know that Elaine slept with him, and that he is marrying her arch-nemisis Sue Ellen Mishky who we all remember as the bitch that wore a bra for a shirt, causing Kramer to wreck George’s car yada, yada, yada Jerry, George and Elaine attend their wedding in India, in the infamous, “backwards episode.” Mostly I love (I know, “pattern”) when Jerry uses Shnapps to gain access to Elaine’s “vault” where he finds out that she previously hooked up with Pinter when he went by Peter and how George spray painted his Timberlands black and pretended they were dress shoes, so his date wouldn’t know that he was shorter than when they met, and he was wearing Timberlands. Instead, he just looked like the asshole that spray painted his boots and pretended they were dress shoes. Let’s also not forget the the only reason the gang went to India (TO INDIA!) was to spite Sue Ellen Mishky, whom Elaine KNEW only invited her assuming she would not attend, but send a gift, the “unvitation” if you will. “Goodnight Jugdish!”

 

2. Dorothy & Lucas on The Golden Girls 1992

If you were in the market for a sappy wedding, this one’s for you! I’m not sure if I teared up because it was such a beautiful wedding, with a young, blushing bride, wait, why am I crying at some old hag’s wedding? Oh that’s right! Dorothy’s nuptials mean that she’s moving out of Blanche’s house and we’ll never again see this foursome in comedic action (until Golden Palace attempts to recreate the magic). Dorothy looks devastatingly odd (what fucking 60 year old wears a white, lace dress and a veil?) on her wedding day, and she marries Leslie Nielson, ya know, Blanche’s uncle, who originally went out with Dorothy because slutbag Blanche was too busy entertaining a man to take her relative out to dinner. The two “pretend” to get engaged to, to, uhh, to teach Blanche a lesson? And then decide that they actually love each other and decide to get married after all. Ol’ Stan Zbornak commandeers the limo that was taking Dorothy to the church, and the two have a final, touching moment before she weds an obviously more quality individual. Cut to me bawling. . .

 

1. Uncle Jesse & Becky on Full House 1991

Talk about an event wedding! Oof! I’m excited just thinking about the madcap adventure that ensued prior to Jesse’s arrival at the alter. A quick recap — the night before Jesse’s wedding day, he tells himself that it’s his last chance to, I guess, be some kind of wild man (ya know, living in his brother-in-law’s house, rent free, raising young children, playing rock n roll, combing his hair a lot) so he decides that as a final act of youth and rebellion, he’ll jump out of an airplane . . . wait for it. . . in his wedding tux. Well, obviously he gets stuck in a tree, that he is forced to drop himself out of INTO A TOMATO TRUCK! Who in the hell wrote this? What is a tomato truck? Who just packs tomatoes in the back of a pick-up? Regardless, Jesse’s now out of the tree and on his way to his own wedding when he lands himself in jail for trespassing and grand theft auto. Rebecca Donaldson comes to his rescue, bails him out (in her wedding dress) and the two appropriate a bus (was it full of nuns? I’m not sure.) and finally make it to their own wedding, where we all get the pleasure of enjoying the vocal stylings of Mr. John Stamos. . .

 


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I have spent the past week sitting Shiva for Bea Arthur, and I think it’s finally time I quit mourning the loss of her life and instead, celebrate it, which I will begin to do right here.

bea

I first met Bea as a child, in the late 1980’s on the prime-time hit The Golden Girls. She remained in my life throughout the 9o’s and 00’s in reruns, which is likely why I was so shocked at her passing. To me, she was barely 65, living with her girlfriends, eating cheesecake five times a week and retorting wittily to any comment that crossed her path. 

It’s hard to believe that Ms. Arthur began her career as a lounge singer, served in World War II and brought abortion into prime-time as Maude, Edith Bunker’s liberal-ass cousin whom Archie hated. To me, she’s Dorothy Zbornak, a wise cracking divorcee who wears long blouses, long skirts and tall boots, who takes care of her sassy, purse-clutching mother and lives with her slutty roommate and a total dumbass. She comes into my home two or three times a day, brightens it and then fades into the credits until next time. 

I am deeply saddened by the loss of this legendary television icon, and I hope that if there is a heaven, that someday I’ll meet Bea in it. Until then, I will rest my chin on the top my flattened hand, and roll my eyes slowly and sternly to the right, annoyed that Bea and I will never star in our very own Two Woman Show. 

Bea’s passing reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of The Golden Girls in which Sophia’s friend dies. I’ll take a note from Sophia on this one, it will help in accepting the death of TV’s finest, the incomparable Beatrice Arthur. . . 

Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend. 
Dorothy: I’m so sorry. What happened? 
Sophia:  [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. 
[agitated
Sophia: SHE WAS 88! 
Rose: Well, it’s great that she was able to work right up to the end. 

 

REST IN PEACE PUSSYCAT. REST IN PEACE.

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