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Archive for the ‘I Love Lucy’ Category

5. Zack and Kelly from Saved by the Bell

No other couple exemplifies the early 90’s quite like Zack and Kelly. Whaaaaat was going on here? Sometimes they were dating, sometimes she was dancing with older men at The Attic, and sometimes Zack was secretly making out with Lisa in her bedroom (what a bitch!). But then there were those touching moments, like when Kelly couldn’t afford to go to the prom because her father lost his job (could you not have borrowed something from Lisa’s closet, I mean reeeeally) and Zack and Kelly danced cheek to cheek by the picnic tables out back. HOW ROMANTIC. I am forever scarred that I did not experience a cheesy Saturday morning love affair like theirs in high school. And let’s not forget that the SBTB wedding in Vegas, was probably the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen on television.

4. Carrie and Big from Sex and the City

I sort of hate myself for including these people on this list, or any other, but come on! What a trainwreck these two turned out to be. He was suck a dick, that you couldn’t help but fall in love with him, and he was rich, and charming and rich and then there’s kooky Carrie Bradshaw yukkin it up in her studio apartment, writing her little sex column, learning lessons about love and life everyday, and breaking them down into cute little nuggets of wisdom to share with the world. I’m not sure what this says about me (or all the other people who LOVED it) but my favorite episode of SATC will always be the one in which Carrie cheats on douchebag Aiden with Big, oh, remember, they fight in the elevator! And next thing you know, it’s a full on affair. Let’s not forget that he essentially left her at the altar though, which was kiiiinda assholey, but I feel like she deserved it a little, she is ridiculous after all. Fortunately, he won her over in the in with a fuckin shoe closet. Way to possess any amount of self respect, Carrie.

3. Kevin and Winnie from The Wonder Years

Man, how crushed were you in the final scene of the final episode of The Wonder Years when we learn that Kevin and Winnie did NOT end up together? I guess we’re supposed to move on and accept that they were merely each other’s first loves, but for the love of god, HUMOR ME. It’s difficult to watch this show now, because I no longer relate to EVERYTHING Kevin is going through at an INTENSE EMOTIONAL level, and rather feel a little bit uncomfortable about how IN LOVE these middle schoolers are with each other. And remember, (see clip below) when Winnie was sick and Kevin “took care of her?” When I was 12, if some kid had come to my house and entertained me whilst I was ill in bed, I would have surely wanted to punch him in the face. Drop off my homework and get the fuck out of here already, I’m sick and would prefer to be alone. . .

2. J.R. and Sue Ellen Ewing from Dallas

A lesser person probably would have chosen Pam and Bobby as the greatest couple on Dallas and those people would have been DEAD WRONG. Sure, Pam and Bobby’s love for each other is undying, but J.R. and Sue Ellen’s, is unadulterated. Theirs is a match made in HEAVEN. She a Texas beauty queen, he a rich independent oil man; he attracted to her good looks and well mannered persona; she attracted to his wealth and power. I assume they must have been happy together at some point, but not for long! He continued to womanize, and she couldn’t wake up without crushing bourbon, which made for incredible fights. And hate sex.

1. Lucy and Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy

Aaaahhhhhhh. Thank god I was not alive in the 50’s. If you think that the news of Brad and Jenn’s breakup was crushing, IMAGINE how absolutely devastating the In Touch cover with Lucy and Ricky torn apart must have been! “I DON’T Love Lucy!!!!” But, all the same, onscreen they were just the bees knees of couples (Fred and Ethel were pretty great too, I must admit), but something about her putting up with his bossy “do as I say” attitude, and his ridiculous accent and him putting up with her zany to the max slapstick antics makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I also like that they maintained separate beds.

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Show: I Love Lucy

Moment: Lucy’s hiding three dozen egg under her shirt. This is a very inopportune time for Ricky to want to practice the tango. On the moment of impact, enjoy one of the longest recorded laughs in TV history.

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We love babies in this country. Don’t believe me? Just ask Utah. Or, better yet, US Weekly. US Weekly is so in tune with our lust for babies and pregnant women and people with babies and women with babies who lost all the baby weight and baby fashion lines and baby FEUDS (it’s coming, trust me. That Maddox looks like trouble) that little Suri Cruise is practically a cover staple. And though we weren’t always so obsessed with celebrities’ real life spawn (think about it- ten years ago, would the name of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s toddler daughter come rolling so easily off your tongue?), we have ALWAYS had a soft spot for that Very Special Episode- “So and So Gives Birth.”

With that, I give you my Top Five TV Births. Let the contractions begin! And the epidural! Where’s my champagne? Where’s my salami?!*

WARNING: Searching for baby-related TV clips on YouTube is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Proceed with caution if you don’t want to see a lot of homemade delivery videos (and I am not talking pizza. Mother of GOD)

5. Full House– Rebecca Gives Birth to Twins and the Most Ridiculous Living Situation/Solution Ever

Remember when Aunt Becky was pregnant with twins? And everyone (including me, shut up) was really, really excited? And then they went and were born on Michelle’s birthday (Michelle’s not special anymore. Awesome) And then, instead of MOVING OUT like normal human beings, they move back into the attic of their brother-in-law’s house and force the twins to live in a closet? Good times…

John Stamos, how much longer do you think you can get by on being COMPLETELY adorable?

4. Sex & The City- Miranda Gives Birth to “Oh, right. I have a baby.”

I love the Miranda-Mommy episodes. I can’t think of another show that’s tackled the whole notion of “I hate kids but I guess I’ll love my kid” issue before Miranda gave birth to Brady, her son with quasi-retarded bartender Steve. She’s just so bemused by the whole thing. She thinks baby showers are stupid, she hates being pregnant, she has NO CLUE what she’s supposed to do with a baby. Right up until the delivery, Miranda’s got rules about how it’s going to go down- she doesn’t want the nurses to be all cheery, she wants Steve to suck it up with all the man-crying and she wants it over and done.

Add her water breaking on Carrie’s heels and we’ve got ourselves some TV.

3. Friends– Phoebe Gives Birth to Her Brother’s Triplets

Now, there are some missteps in the Phoebe gives birth to triplets episode (mainly the whole thing with the doctor who’s obsessed with Fonzie although I do like that “dilated-amundo” joke) but I love it. I can’t help it. It’s all so good. Chandler and Monica are hooking up in the closet in secret. Joey and Ross are pushing out a kidney stone (changing forever how I say “KIDNEY STONE” ie with an Indian accent) in a lovely dual-montage with Phoebe’s birth (“Ow. Ow, ow, ow. OW.”) Phoebe tells Rachel that she wants to keep one of the babies (Rachel: “Oh, I’m going to be on the news.”) The fantastic Giovanni Ribisi running out and announcing the birth of his kids, dazedly walking back in as he realizes he now has THREE babies. Him making out with Kitty from That 70’s Show, another actress I would like to be in just about everything.

Sadly lacking in Friends clips on the old YouTube.

2. The Cosby Show– Sandra Gives Birth to (Surprise!) Twins

I will admit to loving it when the Huxtables go all soft and mushy on their kids. It’s rare but it happens. I ALSO love any time we get a “My BA-by!” out of Claire, preferably when she’s throwing her arms up in the air. It’s almost as good as when she gets really, really angry. Almost.

So Sondra finally gives birth, the big surprise being that it’s twins! (Unfortunately naming them “Winnie” and “Nelson”, the today equivalent of naming your twins Barack and Obama which I’m SURE has been done somewhere in America already) Obviously, the nicest part of the episode is her moment with Cliff and, apparently, the little speech she gives him about what a wonderful father he’s been was ad-libbed on Sabrina La Beauf’s part. So unbelievably sweet.

1. I Love Lucy– A Tiny Bongo is Born

Well, now. I have to end this on the biggest television birth in history. I’m a professional, after all. The episode “Lucy Goes to the Hospital” coincided with Lucille Ball’s C-section of her second child, Desi Arnaz Jr, culminating in the most watched television episode of the day.

And it’s so, so good. Ricky in his show makeup, in the waiting room and, one of my favorite scenes of all time, the “Ricky, it’s time” fiasco. It’s pure screwball, with Fred tripping over the phone, the suitcase spilling open, everyone stepping on each other and Ricky completely losing his cool. All culminating in them running out the door, leaving Lucy to wail, “Hey! Wait for me!”

*Classic line from E! one-season wonder Love is in the Heir. Anyone? Hello?

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by Beal

5. Friends “The One with Ross’s Wedding: Part I” (1998)

I am aware that by including an episode of Friends in a list of top anything greatly reduces my credibility as a television aficionado, but go ahead and chastise me, this episode was great. The ENTIRE cast (sans Phoebe, who was super pregnant, on the show and in real life) went to London. A budget that big proves that I wasn’t the only asshole watching. Seriously though, any travel episode which features a destination mini-montage AND a cameo by British royalty (Fergie) warrants a mention on this list. And yes, I know, both Friends and the world be be a better place in the absence of Matt LeBlanc, so shut up and enjoy the clip:

P.S. That laugh track is OUT OF HAND. Who are they trying to fool? It was 1998 and filmed on location. Wow.

4. I Love Lucy “Lucy’s Italian Movie” (1956)

Admittedly, I’m a little fuzzy on the details of this episode. What I believe occurs, is that a famous Italian “cinema” director spots Lucy on a train, and decides she would be perfect for his latest film, “Bitter Grapes.” Although he wants her to play the role of “average American tourist,” Lucy believes it is important to “soak up some local color.” Hmm. I wonder if Lucy is going to get in some kind of zany and troublesome situation. Oh, wait, yep, here it comes. We’ve all seen this scene, it’s probably one of the most famous from not only I Love Lucy but of television in general. I still won’t ever understand how the 1950’s disallowed Lucy and Ricky from sharing a marital bed or using the word “pregnant,” but did allow two women to wine-wrestle in a vat of juicy grapes. Go figure.

3. Full House “Tanner’s Island” 1989

No tropical vacation in TV land would be complete without a stranded-on-a-desert island incident! When the Tanner clan (and Rebecca, Danny’s co-host, wait- why is she there?) decide to celebrate their two-year anniversary of becoming a family (a hit show)–wait, didn’t they become a family when the mother died? This seems like a wildly inappropriate celebration now. I imagine little Stephanie in therapy many years later, “First, I’m addicted to meth. Secondly, one September my mother died in a drunk driving incident, and when we celebrated that fact in Hawaii two years later, we ended up stranded on a deserted island. How rude!” In the end, the Tanners + future Aunt Becky discover that they weren’t stranded at all, they were just on the WRONG side of island. Happens all the time (See: Golden Girls “Vacation” 1986). When taken to the Polynesian show on the proper side of the island, I think it’s only obvious what’s about to go down. A “reluctant” Jesse takes over the mic for a rousing rendition of the Elvis classic, Rock-a-hula, as the rest of the cast dances around on stage. I’ve always wondered about that audience. (A) Did they all seriously sit there just to catch a 30-second glimpse at the cast of Full House? (B) Do they mention this event every time they meet a new person? If not, why??

2. Saved by the Bell “Hawaiian Style” 1992

10103890Alright, alright, you got me. This isn’t actually an “episode” of SBTB– it’s a SBTB movie. But give me a break, it was the greatest vacation I never went on but have the fondest memories of. Kelly’s grandfather invites her and the gang to stay at his Hawaiian Hideaway Hotel one last time, because it’s about to be taken over by something corporate. Will a gang of mildly retarded teenagers save the day? You betcha! Oh and also, Zack will hook up with a cougar, whose daughter is like 10 years younger than him (am I the only second-grader who was creeped out at the possibility of my mother dating Zack Morris, cause seriously, that kid was like 8!) Oh, and don’t forget about Screech’s foray into idol-dom at the hands of the Pupuku tribe. Still unsure how a Polynesian/Hawaiian “tribe” could mistake a fro-headed Jewish kid in parachute pants for their god, or why there are no clips of this on YouTube.

1. The Brady Bunch “Hawaii Bound” (1972)

So this list could more aptly be called “greatest Hawaiian mishaps” but that’s beside the point. This 3-episode arc might be my FAVORITE in all of television. Seriously, as a kid, the Hawaii episodes (Hawaii Bound, Pass the Tabu, The Tiki Caves) warranted a sick day. Come on! Bobby and Peter find an “ancient Polynesian Tabu” at Mike’s construction site (and let me get this straight. Mike is working for a like Fortune 500 company that can afford to send his nine-person family to Hawaii for three weeks (episodes) yet, Mike, the architect of a GIANT project in Hawaii, cannot afford a home with more than one bathroom for his half a dozen kids?). At any rate, the tabu is cursed and will “bring bad luck to all that touch it.” And thank god, because otherwise I would have never had the opportunity to see Barry Williams eat shit on a surfboard. The show wraps up when some drunken hobo type informs the boys that the tabu must be returned to some ancient burial grounds/temple, where VINCENT PRICE holds them captive. Oddly, I have no recollection of what the Brady girls get up to while the boys are stuck in a temple with a possible pedophile.

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by Judi

Whenever a beloved TV show ventures on location, it’s a risky business. Aside from the shooting challenges as opposed to the safety of a soundstage, we ask ourselves questions like- do we really want to see Roseanne in natural lighting?

The answer, of course, is sometimes. Because when it pays off, you’ve got yourself a classic episode. And when it doesn’t, well, nobody but us remembers those episodes anyway so no harm, no foul.

So, without furder ado, Next Time On presents our Top 5 TV Vacations. And I get to go first this time.

1. Absolutely Fabulous– “France”

Being fabulous is exhausting, sweetie. So when the going gets tough and your prim mother keeps showing up and your insufferably uptight daughter is just always in the way of you popping another pill, the only recourse is to take your best friend and flee to the south of France. Of course, it would be helpful if you first learned the language. Otherwise, you might end up staying in the grody caretaker’s cottage instead of that swanky hotel where you made reservations. Luckily, a little cocaine goes a long way to improving a ping-pong match and nothing screams class like stumbling out of a vineyard, piss drunk and convinced that someone’s stolen your steering wheel.

2. Beverly Hills 90210– American Girls in Paris episodes

There that French language goes, getting in the way of our good time. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, you go to a swanky restaurant and order brain. Delicious. But hey, at least Dean Cain is there! And he’s dumb enough to actually believe you’re French! How do you say “score” in the language of love? Maybe we should ask Dylan and Kelly, who use Brenda’s time in Paris to get it on, the way only your best friend and boyfriend can (I’m still harboring resentment for this, apparently.) But hey, as long as it all leads to this memorable scene in 90210 history, the trip was totally worth it.

3. 30 Rock– “Cleveland”

It’s hard to decide which is better- the scene where Liz Lemon and her boyfriend Floyd decide to take a mini-break to Cleveland or the scenes where they’re actually in Cleveland. I’ll take all the scenes actually- from the guy on the New York City street who spits in Liz’s mouth and the skipping woman who gets shoved into a heap of garbage all the way to Liz revealing that she did some catalog modeling while in Cleveland, prompting Jenna to snap, “We’re all models west of the Allegheny.”

Be honest. After petting a real police horse, getting first pick at the hot dog cart, and lunch with Little Richard, wouldn’t you want to flee to the Cleve? Even movie stars like Tracy Jordan come to Cleveland to get away.

4. I Love Lucy– “LA at Last!”

This is the LA of my dreams, really. The kind where you might just run into Eve Arden or William Holden at The Brown Derby. While the rest of us suffer through the dregs of LA traffic, smog, and Paris Hilton haunting the IVY, Lucy gets to shove a pie in William Holden’s face and then form a disguise by fashioning a fake nose, only to set fire to it and put it out in a coffee cup. And that’s just the first day.

5. Samantha Who?– “Out of Africa” (And by Africa, we mean Miami)

I’m really, really going to miss Samantha Who?, tragically cut down before its proper time. And I really, really loved this episode. Amnesiac Sam decides that she’s “graduated” into her new life, her life as a good person, and once and for all has distanced herself from the slutty, selfish bitch she was before being mowed down by a car. Except, well, she gets super drunk with her friends celebrating said graduation and then sleeps with her ex-boyfriend. And then gets so freaked out that she decides to go to Africa and build something for children.

Except she gets freaked out by all the shots she needs for Africa and the bugs (“Have you ever seen a scorpion? They’re like spiders with KNIVES.”) and chickens out completely. And then goes to Miami with her friends instead. Except while she’s getting her tan on, there’s a violent outburst in Chad, where she’s supposed to be, and her mother (the incomparable Jean Smart) reacts in typical, deadpan fashion. “She’s dead. I know it. My little girl is dead.”

It’s a great episode.  Stupid network executives.

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Perhaps I’ve mentioned it before, perhaps everyday, but I like to watch The Golden Girls each night from 1 am to 2:30 am on the Lifetime network. It’s the perfect wind down from an otherwise turbulent day of searching for something great to watch on television. I’ve also gotten myself into the habit of watching Frasier for an hour before GG begins. Upon consulting the guide to determine which episodes would be on tonight (only two are usually on on Mondays, because Rita Rocks reruns at 2). At any rate, Desperate Housewives was positioned in the 1 am block. What the fuck is this? What asshole is trying to destroy the one and only thing I can actually call a “routine” in my life? 

I don’t know how I am going to function. I can’t find a new show to watch, The Golden Girls is absolutely the only program that will suffice!! Ugh, I’m never going to fall asleep again!!!!

Wait a minute, hold up, what’s that? HALLMARK CHANNEL YOU’VE SAVED THE DAY! 

goldengirls460

Whew! Crisis averted. And check out these added bonuses:

1. The Golden Girls are on from MIDNIGHT to 2 am  night (except Sunday– BTW what’s up with that? Lifetime didn’t air it on Sunday either. Is there some sort of Sabbath rule on watching the elderly date promiscuously?) so I can function almost normally, and maybe even fall asleep a half hour earlier each night.

2. Hallmark is airing I Love Lucy at 2 am. Perfect! Thank you! I can handle a zany half hour of olden timey situation comedy as I fall asleep. I back this little mix-up.

3. At 2:30 am, Lifetime converts to paid programming. Not only does Hallmark provide an extra half hour of regular programming, wait for it, they fill that half hour with Cheers

4. And, if all that wasn’t enough, the 11 p.m. Hallmark hour is filled with Murder, She Wrote. Are you kidding me right now? What a terribly terrific program! Angela, I foresee a beautiful friendship burgeoning here. 

5. Although I was briefly furious with Lifetime for removing GG from their lineup, they did replace one hour of it with one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Desperate Housewives–which I watch solely for the Karen McClusky character, and so in the event that GG is one I’ve watched too recently, I have a satisfying alternative.

So, let’s review. On any given night, nestled in my own bed, I have the potential for one of the greatest lineups in all of television history:

11:00 Murder, She Wrote

12:00 Frasier/The Golden Girls

12:30 Frasier/The Golden Girls

1:00 The Golden Girls/Desperate Housewives

1:30 The Golden Girls/Desperate Housewives

2:00 I Love Lucy

2:30 Cheers

 

–BEAL

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