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Archive for the ‘Saved By The Bell’ Category

5. Zack and Kelly from Saved by the Bell

No other couple exemplifies the early 90’s quite like Zack and Kelly. Whaaaaat was going on here? Sometimes they were dating, sometimes she was dancing with older men at The Attic, and sometimes Zack was secretly making out with Lisa in her bedroom (what a bitch!). But then there were those touching moments, like when Kelly couldn’t afford to go to the prom because her father lost his job (could you not have borrowed something from Lisa’s closet, I mean reeeeally) and Zack and Kelly danced cheek to cheek by the picnic tables out back. HOW ROMANTIC. I am forever scarred that I did not experience a cheesy Saturday morning love affair like theirs in high school. And let’s not forget that the SBTB wedding in Vegas, was probably the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen on television.

4. Carrie and Big from Sex and the City

I sort of hate myself for including these people on this list, or any other, but come on! What a trainwreck these two turned out to be. He was suck a dick, that you couldn’t help but fall in love with him, and he was rich, and charming and rich and then there’s kooky Carrie Bradshaw yukkin it up in her studio apartment, writing her little sex column, learning lessons about love and life everyday, and breaking them down into cute little nuggets of wisdom to share with the world. I’m not sure what this says about me (or all the other people who LOVED it) but my favorite episode of SATC will always be the one in which Carrie cheats on douchebag Aiden with Big, oh, remember, they fight in the elevator! And next thing you know, it’s a full on affair. Let’s not forget that he essentially left her at the altar though, which was kiiiinda assholey, but I feel like she deserved it a little, she is ridiculous after all. Fortunately, he won her over in the in with a fuckin shoe closet. Way to possess any amount of self respect, Carrie.

3. Kevin and Winnie from The Wonder Years

Man, how crushed were you in the final scene of the final episode of The Wonder Years when we learn that Kevin and Winnie did NOT end up together? I guess we’re supposed to move on and accept that they were merely each other’s first loves, but for the love of god, HUMOR ME. It’s difficult to watch this show now, because I no longer relate to EVERYTHING Kevin is going through at an INTENSE EMOTIONAL level, and rather feel a little bit uncomfortable about how IN LOVE these middle schoolers are with each other. And remember, (see clip below) when Winnie was sick and Kevin “took care of her?” When I was 12, if some kid had come to my house and entertained me whilst I was ill in bed, I would have surely wanted to punch him in the face. Drop off my homework and get the fuck out of here already, I’m sick and would prefer to be alone. . .

2. J.R. and Sue Ellen Ewing from Dallas

A lesser person probably would have chosen Pam and Bobby as the greatest couple on Dallas and those people would have been DEAD WRONG. Sure, Pam and Bobby’s love for each other is undying, but J.R. and Sue Ellen’s, is unadulterated. Theirs is a match made in HEAVEN. She a Texas beauty queen, he a rich independent oil man; he attracted to her good looks and well mannered persona; she attracted to his wealth and power. I assume they must have been happy together at some point, but not for long! He continued to womanize, and she couldn’t wake up without crushing bourbon, which made for incredible fights. And hate sex.

1. Lucy and Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy

Aaaahhhhhhh. Thank god I was not alive in the 50’s. If you think that the news of Brad and Jenn’s breakup was crushing, IMAGINE how absolutely devastating the In Touch cover with Lucy and Ricky torn apart must have been! “I DON’T Love Lucy!!!!” But, all the same, onscreen they were just the bees knees of couples (Fred and Ethel were pretty great too, I must admit), but something about her putting up with his bossy “do as I say” attitude, and his ridiculous accent and him putting up with her zany to the max slapstick antics makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I also like that they maintained separate beds.

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Ohhh The CHRISTMAS episode. Will it be heartwarming? Will it remind me of how important family and friends are? Will I learn that expensive presents and lavish parties should take a back seat to helping mankind? Or for once, will I be glad I’m not a fiasco/tragedy/calamity prone TV family whose belief in the spirit of Christmas saves the day, but instead one of those people who spend Christmas in a bar?

5.  The Golden Girls “Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas” December 16, 1989

Why don’t any of the girls’ children/grandchildren visit them on Christmas? For heaven’s sake! If my grandmother frequented the Rusty Anchor, lived in a house with three other old coots in MIAMI I wouldn’t miss a Christmas with her if my life depended on it. However, if their families had come to town, then they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to spend the holiday serving homeless people Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen, because we all know, nothing strokes the Christmas spirit quite like the homeless (please see: #4 and #2). In a comic twist, though, one of the homeless men lining up for food is Dorothy’s ex-husband (“Hi. It’s me, Stan.”) who recently became homeless when his latest wife kicked him out, I think for cheating. In addition to his marital problems, he’s also gone bust on his latest business deal, which was selling some kind of useless novelty doodad. (So let me get this straight, this man has no place to sleep, not a dime to call his own and no food to speak of, yet he is storing hundreds of these piece of shit tchotchkes somewhere? I say throw them out and SLEEP there.) In the end though, it turns heartwarming, when Stan returns to the soup kitchen, dressed as Santa Claus and hands out his failed novelties as toys for the hobo children.

4. Saved by the Bell “Home for Christmas (Part I & II) December 7 & 14, 1991

Part of me would like to write nothing about this episode (special?) and let your remember it in all its glory all on your own. But I can’t do that. First of all, how does “the gang” continuously find employment in the EXACT same location? For the holiday season, they all get jobs at THE MALL. (The SAME mall where that hidden camera show followed them around the mall all night, whilst they were attempting to obtain U2 tickets). Lo and behold, a new teen enters the scene (exit Kelly as Zack’s love interest). When it appears as if she’s stolen a jacket from the men’s clothing store from whence Kelly works, she disappears. This is when shit gets interesting. So, the gang knows she’s innocent, and clear her name at the clothing store, but she’s still NOWHERE to be found. They all split up to look for her and a few hours later, Zack and his mother run into her at THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT. This is ridiculous. This is when we find out the she and her father live in their rusty ass hoopty in the parking lot OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT! Good thing this is a two-parter! Imagine what happens next. Yes. You’re right. That is what happens. Wow. I wish this episode(s) wasn’t such a crucial part of my emotional development.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Saturday, December 19 @ 7:00 a.m.

3.  Full House “Our Very First Christmas Show” December 16, 1988

Do you know how hard I laughed the first time I saw this episode? When everyone is waking up after being snowed in on Christmas Eve at some low-rent airport and Danny (or was it Jesse? Joey?) had fallen asleep on the luggage conveyer belt that rotated inside to outside all night long and now he is all covered in SNOW!! I was five and it was the moment I fell in love with sitcoms. THIS IS ABSURD. I am five years old and I am fully aware that this is absolutely ludicrous. I LOVE it. When the Tanner’s head for Colorado (and not-yet-Aunt Becky to Nebraska) for the holidays, they find themselves grounded in some rinky-dink airport terminal on Christmas Eve with about a thousand other people who don’t seem amused by Tanner family antics. Of course Stephanie is all worked up about whether or not Santa will be able to find her (which I think involves a comical scene inside a phone booth) and Joey dresses up like the old jelly belly to appease her. And then I think it alludes to the REAL Santa making an appearance in the airport. I don’t remember, I was too busy refusing to accept the plot line of this program to worry about whether or not Santa Claus was real.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family on December 18 @ 3:00 p.m.

2.  My So-Called Life “So-Called Angels” December 22, 1994

Yes, I did Photoshop that Santa hat on Rickie Vasquez. Why? Because without a little bit of Christmas cheer and humor, this episode will RUIN your Christmas. Like I said, it wouldn’t be Christmas without the homeless, but this show takes it to A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! Dear god this episode is tragic. Remember? Rickie had been living with the Chase’s (after being abused and abandoned by his own family) and getting along just great, until he overheard Patty the Bitch questioning Graham about how long Rickie should stay with them. Next thing you know, Rickie makes up a lie and is HOMELESS! DURING CHRISTMAS BREAK! It’s snowing out, oof, and there’s a homeless girl ghost who Angela gives her boots too and she sings and carries around a guitar, and confuses the fuck out of me. Awww, and then Angela runs off, to try and find Rickie. And she gets picked up by the police because she is in the HOMELESS TEEN WAREHOUSE when it got raided. All’s well that ends well though I guess. Patty finds Rickie at church, lighting candles and then I’m not sure what happens next because I’m too busy bawling into my oversized flannel to notice.

1.  A Very Brady Christmas “A Very Brady Christmas” December 18, 1988

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! From, the Brady's and their maid (front and center).

Alright, you got me. This is less of an “episode” and more of a “reunion movie” but well, fuck off, I’m making it my number one choice because I CAN. No other television event is so uselessly etched in my memory as the the time Mike Brady got trapped in a slowly collapsing building that he designed. (Those pesky kids were probably horsing around at his drafting table again!)  Oh and on Christmas! What’s a Brady to do??? Oh how about WE SING HIM OUT OF THIS NEAR FATAL SITUATION!! Oh good. It worked.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Tuesday, December 22 @ 1:00 p.m.

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I’m not going to lie, you guys. I am REALLY excited about today’s list.

I love the “You’re NOT my father!” moment of pretty much anything. One of our most gloriously over-used cliches in both TV and film, it’s pretty self-explanatory. A well-meaning authority figure tries to instill a little wisdom or caring and the uncaring brat responds with that most below-the-belt of blows- “You are not my biological parent.” It’s best when used in a sitcom so there’s a proper storm-out or run up the stairs (A Full House specialty, the run up the stairs) and the studio audience can go, “Ooooooooooh.” I highly encourage you to say, “Oooooh” at the end of each entry, it really does make a world of difference.

5. Shawn Hunter to Mr. Turner in “Cult Fiction” on Boy Meets World (1997)

Ah yes, the classic “Cult Fiction” episode. Occasionally, a series will whip out the old “main character joins a cult” situation (Kelly on 90210, Tori Spelling and that religion that’s supposed to be Scientology on So Notorious, Veronica Mars tries to live on that farm in that one episode) and who doesn’t love TV’s squishy take on what a cult is really like (namely, there is so much hugging involved that this can’t be kosher). When it comes to Boy Meets World, poor (ha ha ha, SHAWN’S POOR!) Shawn Hunter has been having a hard time of it lately- his trailer trash lifestyle has become even more trailer-tastic after his dad takes off after his wayward mom and leaves Shawn in the care of first the Matthews (who clearly don’t know what to do with someone who wears so much flannel and doesn’t appreciate clean cut wisecracks from a little sis) and then oh-so-cool teacher Mr. Turner, not at all sketchy for a single man with a Jheri-curl to take in a teenage boy. When Shawn takes up with the Huggers, Mr. Turner steps in and obviously Shawn’s not going to listen to someone who is NOT HIS FATHER. Don’t you ever watch television, Mr. Turner? God.

4. Jessie Spano to her New Stepmom in “Palm Springs Weekend I & II” on Saved By the Bell (1991)

Some woman at the hotel where the SBTB Palm Springs episode was filmed. I love the internet.

Some woman at the hotel where the SBTB Palm Springs episode was filmed. I love the internet.

This is the Saved By the Bell episode where you muttered to yourself, “I think there’s something wrong with Jessie Spano.” She REALLY hates her new stepmom to-be. Like, tries to drown her in the Palm Springs pool hates-her (not ok, Mama). Although, if I were forced to wear that heinous bridesmaid dress, I might also consider making snide remarks about my dad’s fiance’s youth and inappropriate hotness to everyone too. I mean, she’s a aerobics instructor for God’s sake. I think we all know why this wedding is taking place.

But don’t worry. Zack Morris, next door neighbor, best friend, always there with a snappy blazer, is there for some friendly advice. Namely, suck it up and get back to the wedding, in the name of all that is holy so we can end this episode and move on to California Dreams where I think Jake and Tiffani are about to hook up in the gang’s garage thisisthebestSaturdaymorningever!

3.Tracy Morgan to Everyone Who Tries to Tell Him What To Do in “Rosemary’s Baby” on 30 Rock (2007)

You have no idea how much I wish there was a clip of this scene. Basically, Tracy has an issue- whenever an authority figure (Jack, in this case) tells him not to do something, he has to do it. Even dog-fighting, the most repulsive thing a person could do (which Grizz and Dot-Com hilariously try to circumvent by recruiting poodles). When Jack tries to talk some sense into Tracy, he retorts, “You’re not my dad!” And prompts a series of flashbacks when Tracy was a little boy, played by Elijah Cook who is SPOT-ON with an attitudinal delivery that just kills me every time. It goes something like this:

“Tracy, don’t play with matches!”

“You’re not my dad!”

“Tracy, don’t stare directly at the sun! It’ll make you crazy!”

“You’re not my dad!”

And my favorite- little Tracy’s dressed for church in a red dress and matching hat. “Tracy! You’re not going out dressed like that!”

“You’re not my dad!”

AAAAAND scene. Seriously, Hulu, I can’t believe you want to charge me and yet you don’t even have that clip. Pathetic.

2. Buffy Summers to Ted (John Ritter) in “Ted” on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

In one of Buffy‘s greatest episodes ever, John Ritter plays Ted, new boyfriend to Buffy’s mother, poor suffering Joyce. Everything seems dandy except Buffy thinks he’s a giant creep. Nobody else does though, since Ted’s making these cookies with dreamy tranquilizers in them, that make everyone just love the guy. We see flashes of the real Ted though, when he tries to smack Buffy around and it’s all the more creepy and awful because nobody sees it or is really on her side. So when she has enough and roundhouse kicks him down the stairs, it’s a short-lived rush of satisfaction. See, Buffy actually kills Ted and the ramifications of her killing a person, not a demon or a vampire, are pretty heady. (Not to mention the most dramatic “You’re not my father!” overreaction ever).

Luckily for all of us, he’s actually a sociopathic robot who comes back to life to try and recruit Joyce into living with him in his creepy basement of love. Which means we get to see Buffy’s fears validated. And she gets to kill him again, always a bonus.

1. Will Smith to Uncle Phil in “Papa’s Got a Brand New Excuse” on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (1994)

This picture is unrelated. It just makes me laugh.

Welcome to the part of the program where I tear up uncontrollably. I’ve mentioned previously my inability to watch this episode of what has to be one of the most ridiculous sitcoms of all time without getting choked up and making excuses like, “I’m sorry, there’s a ceiling tile in the bathroom that needs my attention” so that my friends don’t mock me when Will blows up at Uncle Phil for not exactly being psyched that his deadbeat dad Lou (Ben Vereen NO!) has shown up to make yet more false promises. And then when Lou makes an excuse about bailing on him AGAIN and Will breaks down I just, I can’t- I’m sorry, there’s a ceiling tile in the bathroom that needs my attention right now. (PS originally my choice for this week’s topic was “Very Special Episodes on Sitcoms That Actually Really Did Make Me Cry Don’t Judge Me” so you see we’re killing two birds here.)

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by Judi

Here’s a question before we begin. Why didn’t some enterprising genius ever figure out a way to create actual restaurants based on these iconic TV hangouts? Do you even KNOW how much money would’ve been made from situating a real Peach Pit in Beverly Hills in the ’90s? SCADS OF MONEY, YES. I mean, think about how many tourists make their way to my #1 pick in Boston every year (and if you’re from Boston or been there, how many times have you heard the phrase “It doesn’t look the same on the inside though.” So make it look the same, Cheers! What the hell? Is that so hard? Why must you insist on disappointing millions of fans who just want the pleasure of sitting on Cliff’s stool while they take a break from their sixth time on the Freedom Trail (hi, Dad).)

SCADS OF MONEY. All right, I’m done now.

5. The Crashdown Cafe from Roswell (1999-2002)

RoswellCrashdown.JPG

It just occurred to me that, based on my not mentioning it here very often, you might not grasp the depth of my love for the short-lived WB show Roswell (starring Katherine Heigl, Booth’s brother from Bones, Claire from Lost and COLIN HANKS THAT’S RIGHT). That’s just… unacceptable. No, no. It’s not your fault- it’s all mine. I accept full responsibility but I’m going to remedy it now.

I LOVE(D) Roswell.

The Crashdown is owned by main character Liz’s family and she’s a waitress there, along with her best friend Maria, and sometimes it seems like ALL they do is waitress there, like, shouldn’t you be in school? The Crashdown is awesome because it’s a total tourist trap of a restaurant in this alien-tourist trap of a desert New Mexico town and sets the stage for many fantastical alien-human related moments, the capper being- this is where Liz gets shot in the pilot episode, prompting strange alien-boy Max (played by slouchy-shouldered Jason Behr) to heal her, exposing his big ‘ol secret. It’s also where Michael and Maria get it on for the first time, everyone gets ready for the prom, mourns Alex, and where Isabelle uses her alien skills to reheat a cold burger.

4. Luke’s from Gilmore Girls (2000-2007)

Luke's

Another show that I don’t mention NEARLY enough in its proportion to how much I love it. Actually, my whole family is so bonkers for Gilmore Girls that even my BROTHER sent me an email asking me if Rory’s boyfriend Logan from Gilmore Girls is the guy in I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (ie the movie that is destroying my soul. And yes, it’s him. Shudder.) And my mother almost got arrested on the WB studio lot for sneaking her camera in to take pictures of- you guessed it- Luke’s Diner. (That’s not her picture though.)

Luke’s Diner is such a Big Deal on the show that when Lorelai and her on-again-off-again beau Luke have a fight, she’s not allowed to go to there- which is basically detrimental to her life. Both Lorelai and Rory hit Luke’s at least once if not twice a day, Laine and her boyfriend-then-husband Zack work there, Zack PROPOSED there, sometimes Lorelai sets up an office from there (to Luke’s constant irritation), and of course, there’s the crusty proprietor of the same name who turned the once-hardware-store, owned by his dad, into a diner after he died. Apparently, the coffee’s the best in town and the burgers are even better. It’s completely fictional and yet I want both, immediately, right now.

3. The Peach Pit from Beverly Hills 90210 (1990-2000)

peach-pit

I want to reiterate- if there were a real Peach Pit, I would’ve gone EVERY DAY when I lived in Los Angeles. What’s not to love? It’s like Johnny Rockets with a DASH of authenticity AND there’s a SUPER COOL nightclub next door. Because when I think of diner, I don’t think of pickles and coleslaw- NO. I think of going into a club where I could possibly hear Donna Lewis sing a kicky of-the-moment song, where Valerie will run the place even though she’s like 21 years old and when I was 21 years old, I could barely function let alone run a night club, where Kelly will get drunk on red wine and freak out because she dropped her super-secret engagement ring, forcing the tool who’s been hitting on her to deem her TOO MUCH EFFORT because she dropped a diamond ring on the floor and was kind of nervous about it.

As for the Pit itself, it was the scene for many a-confrontation, Brenda dressed up like a ’50s cartoon character to work there, Brandon worked there, everyone thought Nat was “part of the gang” and Donna Martin flashed her navel so many times, they should’ve erected a statue of her belly shirts in the corner.

2. The Max from Saved By the Bell (1989-1993)

Douche Canoe wearing "The Max" T-shirt

Douche Canoe in "The Max" T-Shirt

Where did you hang out after school? If it was between 1989 and 1993 and your last name was Morris, Slater, Powers, Turtle, Kapowski, or Spano, then chances are you were in the place where Color Went to Die. Where the owners/head waiters do strange impressions and magic tricks for your amusement or will impersonate your dad in the principal’s office so you can go on the ski trip. Where Casey Kasem hosts a dance contest for some reason. Where we all learn a valuable lesson about playing your song, the one you shared with your waitress ex-girlfriend who cheated on you with a 34 year old soap star, and how dancing with another girl in front of her is really hurtful. Where Hot Sundae performed to a crowd of maybe 15 people. Where they turned Slater into the Human Exclamation Point for this CLASSIC scene:

1. Cheers from Cheers (1982-1993)

CheersBar

Awww. Thanks to Cheers, we all grew up wishing we could someday find a place where “everybody knows our name.” Some of us are still looking for it (pause for single, dramatic tear). Who doesn’t want to open a cheerful Boston pub and see your friends everyday as they pour beer money into your waiting pockets and supply you with plenty of laughs and their fair share of crazy-pants. Add a cranky pint-sized waitress, a long-winded mailman, a portly regular named Norm, a dim-witted bartender named Woody and a snooty blonde in an apron and you’ve got yourself the most beloved faux-hangout of all time.

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5. Monica on Friends “The One Where Monica Sings” (2003)

Alright so technically Monica doesn’t have to sing, but I’m still keeping this on my list, for several reasons. The first being Paul Rudd as Phoebe’s boyfriend, Mike, who works at the piano bar where Monica chooses to perform a little ditty. He’s hilarious and as I think NTO has mentioned a time or two before, terribly underrated. Also, hello, “Delta Dawn!” This is the kind of song that would be sooo fun to sing in a karaoke bar. The lyrics are simple, it’s southern, it’s twangy, it frequently finds itself in on my iTunes “25 most played.” However, even I–who have no shame and have sung Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now” more than a dozen times in public–reserve that song for the shower or other private moments in which I find a microphone like object in my hand. Monica, however, goes right for it. A bold choice that is well received by an audience of generic New Yorkers. Oh that’s right, this is a sitcom, something zany’s about to happen. . .sure enough, the crowd isn’t moved so much by her rousing rendition of the Tanya Tucker classic, but  by the spotlight’s ability to make her shirt transparent. Whatever though, I totally laughed, because it’s funny. SHE DOESN’T KNOW!

4. Peter on The Brady Bunch “Dough Re Mi” (1972)

This is like, one of the most classic episodes in television history. I don’t even think it’s necessary for me to explain the premise, but, alas, I will. Greg, being his groovy self, decides that the world has waited long enough for the Brady Bunch (I wonder if that’s what they called their “band”) to drop a record, so he books some time at a studio (where did he get that kind of money?) and dragged his musically gifted mess of siblings down to lay down some tracks. Things get ugly though, when Peter, a victim of abrupt puberty, cannot sing his part, due to the EXTREME fluctuations in his changing voice. Luckily, Greg comes up with the nifty idea to incorporate Peter’s “issue” into the song, which is a SMASH hit. Sadly, when I located this clip online, I was able to sing nearly every word. I don’t have many life regrets, but I will NEVER forgive myself for selling my “It’s a Sunshine Day: The Best of the Brady Bunch” CD for $2 at a garage sale in the mid-90’s, NEVER.

3. Rayanne on My So-Called Life “On the Wagon” (1994)

I have really mixed feelings about this episode, and this incident in particular. First of all, the band, The Frozen Embryos, has up until this episode been made up of some randoms and Jordan Catalano and Tino. Am I right? Well, when Tino quits the band, they get desperate for a new singer. Now, the obvious solution to such a problem, would be for Jordan to sing. We all heard him serenade Angela with his less-than-deep ode to his car “Red” earlier in the series. He has a nice voice, and can sing AND play his instrument. Furthermore, if he can write his own songs, both music and lyrics, then surely he could handle a cover. No? Enter Rayanne, who recently sober, is desperate for a new attention grabbing ploy. And let’s face it, every teenage girl with a substance abuse problem, should probably be in a garage, excuse me, loft, band. Somehow, she finds herself the lead singer of the band, wherein she sings FOR THE FIRST TIME at some open mic, battle of the bands, I-wish-I-was-dead-instead-of-sitting-through-this gig and fails miserably. She does sort of redeem herself (and my self esteem) in the final scene. If only she would have fallen off the wagon BEFORE her stint in The Frozen Embryos.

2. Violet Bickerstaff on Saved by the Bell “The Glee Club” (1990)

Does anyone know how reruns work? Like, who decides what episodes will air when, in what order and how often? I watched SBTB every day after school on TBS for probably about a decade, and THIS episode is one of those that I always hoped for, but rarely aired. The gang, in an attempt to win a group trip to Hawaii, joins the Bayside Glee club, which will compete for such a prize with other local schools. Unfortunately, no one in the gang, or otherwise, SCOTT WOLF, can sing, except Jessie, who has caught Lisa’s cold (“Saawwrry,” Lisa says, in a clip that is featured in the opening credits for years to come, possibly because she is wearing the fiercest get-up ever worn). After discovering that Violet Bickerstaff, ahem, TORI SPELLING can sing, Zack and Mr. Tuttle make a plan to feature her, and downplay everyone else. It’s a foolproof plan really, the judges are never going to notice those innocuous “bum bum” noises they’re making, it totally sounds like harmony! However, their plans are foiled when a lovesick Screech simply ruins dinner at the Bickerstaff’s house, and Mr./Mrs. Bickerstaff FORBID Violet to see “Samuel” anymore, which means, no more glee club. She arrives last minute for the performance, but not before the club tries to pull a Milli Vanilli with a tape deck and cassette of the L.A. glee club (really?? the L.A. glee club?)

1. Clare Arnold on Beverly Hills, 90210 “The Long Goodbye” (1997)

When given this week’s topic, I had a moment of “I can’t think of any sing—oh Clare Arnold!” As surprised as I was with myself for coming up with a somewhat longish list of “must sing” incidents, I was more surprised to discover that this episode is, in fact, my FAVORITE BH, 90210 episode of all time. Though, not so much the talent show side-story, in which Clare sings, but for the fact that Brandon and Kelly get back together after she shows him that she’s been wearing the engagement ring he once gave her on a necklace (“I couldn’t bear anyone else having it”) and he thinks she went to the airport to see Dylan, and they hug, and make out, and confess their love. Aaaannyway, back to Clare, who despite having seemingly atrocious vocal stylings, signs up for the annual Greek life talent show at CU, to pay homage to her late mother through song. Unfortunately, boyfriend Steve Sanders (a talent in his own right) must find the right way to tell Clare that she’s horrible. It gets emotional when she reveals how important it is to her to sing this song, a favorite of her mother’s (who apparently sang it wonderfully, obviously) in front of a room full of peers who will shun her ever after. But wait, Clare is privy to the secret of a gorgeous voice: “sing from the heart.” Jesus. Did someone really write that down? Who approved this script? Clare can’t sing, BUT, perhaps if she really tries FROM THE HEART, truly and deeply from within, she will invoke the spirit of her dead mother, and sing beautifully while simultaneously coming to terms with her death. It’s TV GOLD!

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by Beal

0926lisa-turtle_faShow: Saved by the Bell

Character: Lisa Turtle

Actor: Lark Voorhies

Basically: Simply put, Lisa Turtle is the rich girl/fashion whore of this “typical” high school friend group and moonlights as the token black girl at Bayside. (Fun fact: Lisa was originally written as a JAP, but after seeing Lark’s audition, she was cast instead). She’s like, the president of the Fashion Club, the victim of Screech’s stalking and a member of the hottest girl group ever, Hot Sundae. She spends her spare time at the mall or at the Max, avoiding Screech’s advances and getting herself caught up in the sidelines of whatever scheme Zack is trying to pull off. Her outfits are OVER THE TOP awesome and usually feature neon as well as matching vests and/or jackets. She’s a big fan of the mall, and HATES when her favorite cosmetics are discontinued.

A Little Love for Lisa: I would venture to guess that I have seen EVERY episode of SBTB about a dozen times. And never during those thousands of hours did I understand why the character of Lisa Turtle was so downplayed. First of all, she’s an ORIGINAL classmate. She was there, in Indiana, with Nikki and Mikey and Miss Bliss, meaning she’s Zack’s oldest and dearest friend (in addition to Screech, who is obviously a pity friend), yet she remains so two-dimensional. Oohh, Jessie gets a drug problem and Kelly has issues at home, Lisa? Uhh, how about she sprains her ankle kicking a TV screen when a commercial (what commercial advertises discontinued products anyway?) informs her of her favorite product going off the market? Now, I’ll be the first to admit that SBTB is pretty much the antithesis of DEEP, but come on, can’t we give Lisa a story line that isn’t totally hare-brained? For example, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Lark was if not the prettiest of the three girls (Lisa, Kelly, Jessie) then at least not the third prettiest. Combine that with her zest for parties (specifically of the toga variety), her cutting edge fashion sense and her bank account and she’s clearly the coolest kid at that school. I mean, what’s Kelly got that Lisa doesn’t have? And Jessie? Her Z. Cavaricci’s are just too much to handle. All Lisa gets is one kiss with Zack, that he failed to mention to anyone (apart from Screech who saw it) or ever bring up again, and that lame, brainy cardigan clad black guy (from the date auction) who hates all her puns.

Favorites: Well, how about I mention for the third time in as many paragraphs, The Sprain dance? Again, I feel like this is a perfect example of the man trying to keep Lisa down. Any excuse for Slater to dance, but as soon as Lisa get the opportunity, writers break an appendage (maybe Lark really can’t dance, however, I think her appearance in numerous R&B videos would likely disprove that claim). How about when Lisa goes nuts with her father’s credit card and the gang helps her sell a bunch of her finest fashion pieces? I don’t really care about the plot of this one at all, I’ve just always loved that Zack makes that button that opens up all the lockers to display Lisa’s stuff and that the other students are throwing cash at the gang for this second-hand crap. Belding’s coming, close em up!  And let’s not forget that when the gang sets up Jessie’s new stepbrother, who takes over her room by hanging a Misfits poster on the wall, it is Lisa who wrecks Belding’s shiny red convertible, forcing the kids to fix it before Belding finds out, a foreshadowing of DUI’s to come, specifically the episode in which a half drunk Lisa lets a drunk enough Zack drive her parent’s Mercedes, right into a telephone pole.

As for my favorite Lisa line, I’m going to go with: If you don’t get ridda Linda, I’m gonna throw her out the winda.

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by Judi

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A couple of things about this:

1) That’s kind of COLD for Jimmy Fallon. What’s next? He’s going to propose a reunion of Blue Oyster Cult, only to have them all show up at Horatio Sanz’s house instead?

2) Nice cropping of Screech and Mr. B. whose creepiness, indeed, has increased exponentially since SBTB: The New Class.

3) Can I just say it? They all look really GOOD. Like, remember when they reunited the cast of The Facts of Life and it was kind of horrifying? I say two thumbs way up. Or maybe I’ll just make a circle with my thumb and a peace sign instead. What exactly is that sign anyway, Turtle?

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