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Archive for the ‘Bones’ Category

That’s right- “Christmas.” Not “season”, not “holiday.” “CHRISTMAS.” We’re such bad-asses.

5. The OC– “The Best Chrismukkah Ever” (2003)

I was completely, wholeheartedly into the first season of The OC (did that show last more than a year? No? Didn’t think so). I’m pretty sure that, had you asked me to in 2003, I wouldn’t have hesitated to take someone down for a chance to just be NEAR Seth Cohen (Adam Brody, who has since disappeared. An apology for that Meg Ryan movie nobody saw?). And the whole notion of “Chrismukkah”, a result of the Cohen family being half-Jewish, is Seth at his greatest. From the Santa-yarmulkes (not sacriligious at all) to his demand for “8 days of presents, followed by one day of MANY presents” and that the whole family, now including his adopted-troublemaker brother Ryan, all be together to celebrate, it’s all so adorable that you just want to vomit dradles and jingle bells all over the place.

And, to top it all off, a tension-filled holiday party, squishy family moments and a lot of awkward swaying to Stevie Wonder. It really is the “Best Chrismukkah Party Ever.” Or it would be if Kristen was completely smashed on vodka.

4. Bones– “Santa in the Slush” (2007)

Ah, the good old days when Bones FOLLOWED THROUGH ON ITS PROMISES.

We were, you might remember, led to believe that Bones and Booth would kiss in the ’07 holiday episode and we got our wish. A Christmas miracle, indeed. And, yes, ok, it was because Bones owed Carolyn a favor for swinging a little visitation party with her dad who was in prison for murder and, because Carolyn was feeling impish, she decided Bones could repay her by laying a kiss on her FBI partner. Whatever, we’ll take it. The whole exchange is just sweet and awkward and weird enough to be believable and the chemistry between Deschanel and Boreanaz (they should open a perfume store or something) good enough to make it a truly squeal-worthy moment. Plus, the rest of the episode is AWESOME. They find a dead santa whose real name is actually Kris Kringle, he lives above a toy store, he was the best store santa in history and both scenes where the duo question a department store locker room FILLED with crappy Santas (And Carl Winslow too!) are hilarious. Add Bones’ extremely cool ex-con dad (played by Ryan O’Neil before he accidentally hit on his own daughter) and an appearance from her brother Russ “Mumford” Brennan and even little moppet-headed Parker and, it really is, the most wonderful time of the year. (Yes, I plan on ending EVERY entry with that.)

3. The Simpsons– “Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire” (1989)

Even reading the description of this “Christmas Special” made my cold little heart bloom with joy. Remember how GOOD The Simpsons used to be?  Bart asks for a tattoo and starts to get “Mother” on his arm but gets caught by Marge and is left with “Moth.” They then have to spend their Christmas money getting it lasered off (he should’ve kept it. I mean, if little Pete could keep Petunia…), Homer doesn’t get his bonus, Barney is a drunk santa at the mall, they go to the track and blow $13 on a little dog named Santa’s Little Helper (who comes in dead last) but the pup follows them home. Yay, puppies and Christmas!

Where would The Simpsons be without Santa’s Little Helper? And where would be without old episodes of The Simpsons? I shudder to think…

2. The Office– “Christmas Party” (2005)

Michael Scott with the Dreaded Oven Mitt

Season 2’s Christmas episode at good old Dundler Mifflin was highlighted by the office’s Secret Santa exchange. Michael picks Ryan the Temp, for whom he has a serious man-crush on, and completely overshoots the dollar limit to buy him an iPod but then gets insulted by HIS gift, a homemade oven mitt from poor Phyllis who has the best sad-sack face in the universe, and quickly decides to turn the Secret Santa into a Yankee Swap instead. Just so he can get a not-so-crappy gift. This is all fine, except for Jim who is panicking. In one of the sweetest examples of Jim’s still-unspoken love for receptionist Pam, he picked her name out of the hat and got her an adorable tea pot filled with adorable notes just for her. The party just goes downhill from there so Michael, in a desperate attempt to pick things up, renegs on the office’s no-alcohol policy and gets everyone wasted. Which means drunk Meredith. Which means happy Judi.

Michael Scott: [checking out at a liquor store] Hey, you’re the expert; Is this enough to get twenty people plastered?
Clerk: [Seriously considers] Fifteen bottles of vodka?… Yeah, that should do it.

1. West Wing– “Noel” (2000)

Beal has her “episode that will make you cry uncontrollably” and this one is mine. It’s Christmas at the White House and months after the shooting in Rosalyn. Yo Yo Ma is set to play for the President and all seems jolly and bright. Except Josh is a mess and he doesn’t know why. He cut his hand and doesn’t remember how, he breaks out into a sweat during the concert and he’s biting people’s heads off left and right. A visit with a White House appointed shrink, played memorably by Chicago Hope‘s Adam Arkin, and a few really brutal scenes later, Josh is shaken to discover that he’s suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and while everyone is enjoying the holidays, he’s been reliving that time he almost died and, now, has to face the fact that he’s suffering from its aftermath and could very well lose his job (thanks a lot WHITE SUPREMACISTS. God). Until he gets a pep talk from Leo. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch a bunch of old clips of John Spencer and cry softly into my lunch.

BONUS: This didn’t make the list but did you know there’s a Beverly Hills 90210 Christmas episode called “It’s a Totally Happening Life”? Best. Title. Ever. I almost choked on my salad when I read it (and when I say “salad”, I mean “chocolate croissant.” Don’t judge me.)


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by Judi

Clearly, living in LA for four years has its benefits.

5. Jessie Katsopolis’s Dad (John Aprea) from Full House

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I remember watching an award show once. Julia Roberts won for something, it must’ve been Erin Brockovich. And she climbs up on stage to receive it and then has a momentary freak-out because Beau Bridges (BEAU BRIDGES) is presenting it to her. I think she even said something like, “Oh my God, it’s Beau Bridges.” And everyone was like really? You’re JULIA ROBERTS. You hang out with George Clooney and Brad Pitt regularly, you’ve met EVERYONE and you freak out over Beau Bridges? What was the last thing Beau Bridges was in, can you even remember? (For the record, I’m so with you, Julia, who is clearly reading this. I once thought I saw Beau Bridges on a flight and almost had a heart attack. He is, after all, the dad from The Wizard).

So here’s my theory. Sometimes, it’s not the fame of the actor you spot in real life, in “the wild” you might say, but what you remember them from. As in, I was walking to work down Robertson Blvd. one day and passed Uncle Jesse’s dad in Full House and I. lost. my. mind. The Julia Roberts- Beau Bridges theory is the only excuse I can muster for my COMPLETELY illogical reaction. I almost attacked him on the sidewalk, such was my joy.

4. Lex Luthor (John Shea) from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

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This one was funny. My brother was visiting me. We were in my car, driving through an alley in Santa Monica when LEX LUTHOR steps out from the shadows and walks in front of us. And it was so embarrassing too because I think our jaws dropped at the same time and he turned to look at us, two gaping buffoons, and then smirked and kept walking. On his way to the Farmer’s Market. Lex Luthor wants some fresh produce and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

3. Michael Guerin/Jared Booth (Brendan Fehr) from Roswell/Bones

brendan-fehr-010When I moved to LA, my roommate/soon-to-be-best-friend (hi Bic!) and I spent the majority of our time dealing with living on a new planet (and yes, LA is its own planet. Make no mistake) by hiding in our new apartment and watching hours and hours and hours of Roswell. I think over the course of our tenure as roommates, we’ve watched those DVDs 7,000 times. So when I (finally) got a job in the Star Corridor (the corner of Beverly Blvd. and Robertson Blvd., home of a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf AND a Starbucks across the street from each other, “we met at Starbucks but different Starbucks”) and saw brooding alien Michael Guerin walking across the street, right next to my human body, I almost fell into traffic. I pulled my ass to the corner, called Bic and proceeded to hyperventilate. Over the course of my years in LA, I would see a number of other Roswell cast members- Maria in that Coffee Bean, Tess (you may know her as Claire from Lost) and Alex (Colin Hanks) at Coachella and, yes, my reaction was the same every time. Complete and utter meltdown.

2. Chanandelor Bong (Matthew Perry) from Friends (twice!)

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Speaking of the Star Corridor, Matthew Perry clearly has some kind of caffeine addiction. I saw him for the first time at the Starbucks, notable because I was on the phone with my mother at the time who got VERY excited and then said, “Tell him I’m watching Friends right NOW! It’s the one where he proposes to Monica.” Like I was capable of movement, much less approaching him and handing him a cell phone with my mother chattering on the other end about his tearful proposal. More likely, I would’ve gone up to him and told him that his episode of Growing Pains basically traumatized me for life, thanks a lot.

The SECOND time was at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (yup, right across the street. Chandler, like me, is not partial to just one massive coffee chain) and, to my everlasting joy, Bic had met me for a coffee break on her way back from either another dreadful temp job or a depressing interview. We both stood by the counter, waiting for our coffees, and Matthew Perry stood next to us ordering. We conversed THE ENTIRE TIME, mindlessly talking as we both tried not to stare at him. Finally, he left, we sat down and we looked at each other. What the hell were we talking about? She was saying things, I was saying things- she could’ve been talking about elephants and my response could’ve been about arugula. And now we’ll never know.

1. David Addison (Bruce Willis) from Moonlighting

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Ah yes, the car sighting. One of my favorites because of the sheer skill involved. Cars, after all, move pretty fast and you’ve got to be able to get a good look and confirm quickly. It’s also good if you’re either alone (so no one can dispute it) or the glimpse is substantial enough that you get immediate confirmation from the other party as well, lest you have a “George Michael on the 405” incident (Bic saw him, I didn’t but it didn’t stop us from stalking him in traffic for forty minutes) or a humiliating “Simon Rex in a LeBaron” moment which my friends will STILL not let me live down (it was him, I swear. I want those words on my tombstone. Also, their primary argument is that Simon Rex would not drive a LeBaron and I think that’s PRECISELY why it was Simon Rex. Come on.)

The Bruce Willis Sighting is my all-time favorite sighting of all time. I was driving through Westwood one day, in a residential area and pulled up to a stop sign to make a left turn. The car opposite me, a black Mercedes, had also stopped. I waited for it to leave so I could make my left but the car just STOPS in the middle of the intersection. I then realize that the car stopped because the driver was watching a leggy blonde in a sports bra jog across the street, like actually just watching her bounce along. I’m seriously irritated now and just about to lay on the horn when the driver turns to me, smirks, and it’s Bruce Fucking Willis. I just about shat in my pants, SHAT WITH A VENGEANCE.

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by Judi

5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer– “Halloween” (1997)

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I mean, it’s a no-brainer that if you have a show about vampires and werewolves and witches, Halloween would be a pretty big deal. And Season 2’s “Halloween” is especially fun, if only for the premise of “what if you actually turned into your costume?” In Buffy & Co.’s case, it’s the work of creepy Ethan, a dangerous ex-friend of Giles’ from his days when he was known as “Ripper”, who sells the kids enchanted costumes. Buffy, in an effort to be more like her vampire boyfriend’s old girlfriends from the eighteenth century, turns into a pansy-assed noblewoman who’s swooning at every turn. Willow at first dresses slutty (check out those abs!) and then gets nervous and throws a sheet over her head, which of course turns her into an actual ghost. Xander’s a tough-as-nails military guy. It’d be fine if Spike didn’t choose that moment to attack. Oh, and all the little monsters in the neighborhood? They’re all actually little monsters now. Demon want some candy?

4. Bones-“The Mummy in The Maze” (2007)

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Dr. Brennan, for all her social awkwardness, LOVES Halloween. It’s not terribly surprising considering the morbid nature of her work but she really, really gets into it as does the rest of the Squints (which is, incidentally, FBI agent Boothe’s costume as a giant note-taking nerd. Just perfect for his captain-of-the-football-team image). Angela’s dressed full-out as Cher at the Oscars, Cam’s a hot Catwoman and Brennan’s Wonder Woman. And the case is a mummified body found in a giant hay-maze. The episode’s got creepy goths, RIDER STRONG as a maybe-pedophile, and a murderer who likes to kidnap young girls and, literally, scare them to death (he sticks one girl in a vault with a bunch of snakes). By the end, Boothe and Brennan are roughed up, filthy and tired from wrestling with a creep dressed up like a clown. You know, just like real superheros. (By the way, if you’re looking for something to watch that’s genuinely disturbing but not Halloween-centered, that episode where she wakes up bloodied and bruised after blacking out in New Orleans is SO GOOD. It’s got voo-doo and men who like to have sex near dead bodies and it’s the goriest Bones episode ever- and this is a show where a body once melted in a pool of lye).

3. 30 Rock– “Stone Mountain” (2009)

That’s right- LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE made my list. 30 Rock, off to a great start after a shakier 3rd season (too many guest stars, not enough writers room), hits so many great points about Halloween that I had to rewind my TiVo twice because of the happy clapping (I tend to watch TV like I’m Simple Jack. Is that offensive? Maybe now getting my profile rejected from Match.com isn’t such a surprise). From the discussion of the merits of a gay Halloween to the reappearance of Jenna’s gay-entourage (“Girl, your face called- it says it’s time to PICK IT UP.”) to a special appearance by Betty White! (who’s reading “From Peanut to President” by Milton Greene, love) to Jack and Liz’s visit to Kenneth’s town of “Small Mountain” (you really couldn’t bring him along? He probably hadn’t been home in years), I don’t even care that the whole episode wasn’t Halloween-crazy. I got my fair share of Lutz and, for that, I am appeased.

Watch episode here.

2. Beverly Hills 90210– “Halloween” (1991)

Oooh, a classic. Brenda and Dylan are Bonnie & Clyde, Donna’s a too-realistic mermaid who can’t move, Brandon and Emily Valentine (yay) take her niece and nephew trick-or-treating but then lose them, oops. Luckily, Mr. and Mrs. Walsh save the day. And the highlight- though it’s only Season 2, this is the SECOND time Kelly is sexually assaulted (the first one happened off camera, as recounted in the slumber party episode) and sweet sassy molassy, it will not be the last for poor, calamity-stricken Kelly Taylor. But don’t worry- Steve, dressed as Zorro, saves the day. Also, does that cowboy look like Christ Kattan to anyone else? Now I’m even more disturbed.

1. The Simpsons– “Treehouse of Horror I” (1990)

The Simpsons’ famed Treehouse of Horror series is so beloved by its fans that if either Beal or I left an episode off the list, we might be egged by one of our thirteen regular readers (what’s up, guys?). “Treehouse of Horror VI” was so good, in fact, that it was even nominated for an Emmy in 1996 for “Outstanding Animated Program” but it, sadly, lost to that timeless classic Pinky and the Brain, though I don’t recall any ground-breaking, 3-D animation happening on THAT episode. Whatever, ACADEMY.

But for this list, we’re going waaaay back to 1990 for “Treehouse of Horror I,” before they even knew they would have to start numbering them. As Treehouse of Horrors follows no continuity or other realism rules for the show, anything goes, which means we don’t see Bart & Co. traipsing around in costumes but we do get thirty minutes of genuine Halloween mayhem- gorings, murder, rabid bats, killer idols, tributes to The Shining (see clip). It’s the spirit of Halloween at its best, ignoring the cries for candy from greedy fat kids and “Should I be a slutty pirate or a slutty fairy? OOH, CAT. Slutty cat it is!” from every female over the age of sixteen. In this episode, the first act finds the family Simpsons moving into a house that would’ve made the Amityville Horror weep. Marge confronts the bleeding walls and flying objects and tells the house to behave. The house collapses in on itself- it’d rather die than live with Homer and his brood. In the second act, they’re abducted by aliens and what ensues is one of my favorite gags ever- the “How to Cook (For) (Forty) Humans” misunderstanding. And then, the third act is a retelling of Poe’s “The Raven.” Pretty classy, right?

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by Judi

Show: Bones

Character: Temperance Brennan

Well-Played By: Emily Deschanel (sister of Zooey, 2nd Round Grand Master of the Deadpan Delivery)

Basically: Bones is based on a series of books by real-life forensic anthropologist Kathy Reichs, following the travails of Dr. Temperance Brennan as she solves murders with the might of her enormous brain and knowledge of bones and anthropology, her hunky FBI agent-partner and her loyal team of lab “Squints”. If you’re thinking about looking to Reichs’ books as further adventures of our favorite nerd-doc, then you’re in for a surprise- the books are extremely different from the show with the same name. And for the first time in my life, I’m going to go ahead and say that the (small) screen version actually prevails over the book.

The Love. My God, the Love: Dr. Brennan, or Bones as she’s called by her partner Booth (Buffy‘s David Boreanaz), could’ve been such a one-note character. If this show was as strictly procedural as, say, NCIS, you would’ve been bored to tears in the first five minutes. Bones is super brainy, dry and has a love of reason and rationality so stringent that, in other hands, she would come off dull and worse, cold, especially considering that she’s surrounded by a bunch of supporting characters who are so cuddly and adorable that you’re thinking of naming your teddy bears after them.

But with a few magic facts and Deschanel’s completely understated and undervalued performance, we see something different. Brennan may put up a wall but it’s because she was abandoned by her parents and, to a lesser extent, her older brother Russ at fifteen and sent into foster care. She may seem completely out of it, socially (like, say, taking everything everybody says completely literally. The girl doesn’t even know basic slang) but it’s obvious that this isn’t out of some kind of pretentious superiority complex. The fact is that, at heart, Bones is a seriously lonely, isolated woman of her own making. It makes her vulnerable, sympathetic and, dammit, funny as she tries to increasingly come out of her shell and join the world at large. It also makes her mistakes harder to bear and the loyalty she inspires in her staff and her partner even sweeter.

Favorite Moments: “She doesn’t like to be touched.” Booth to a suspect, who Brennan has just flipped over onto the sidewalk for putting a hand on her arm. (Did I mention she’s into martial arts and guns?)

Not surprisingly, all of my favorite moments involve Bones hurting people. She’s just so staid and pretty, that it’s a thrill to see her appreciation for violence (not unlike myself), breaking a serial killer’s hand in prison, shooting a stalker in the throat, completely beating the crap out of a guy in a suit of armor (and winning comic-book-nerd Sweets’ heart for acting like a total superhero), stuff like that. I’m also a sucker for the early episodes when she shares her experiences as a foster child, almost getting fired for it in the process when she refuses to assume like everyone else that the “kid in the system” is the guilty party.

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by Judi

As a kid, I loved September because I was a giant nerd who enjoyed shopping for school supplies. As an adult, September is really all about television and thus, a reason to celebrate. What shows (both new and returning) am I most looking forward to? I’m so GLAD you ASKED.*

Glee (New)

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When: September 2 on FOX

Why: Because I loved Nip/Tuck before it got way too weird. Because Jane Lynch is in it. Because teacher Will Schuester is seriously cute. And it’s about outcast kids who SING. As we’ve established, I kind of love that a lot.

Community (New)NUP_134878_0426

When: September 17 on NBC

Why: JOEL MCHALE. The promos have actually been amusing (which is nice for a change). Chevy Chase looks like he’s doing his best Lovahs impression but mostly for Joel McHale, whom I would walk through a California fire to see.

Bones (Returning)bones

When: September 17 on FOX

Why: Honestly… I don’t know. I was seriously irritated by the season finale but…argh… I just…I can’t… I’m willing to give Season 5 a chance to redeem itself. Let’s leave it at that. (Plus, the BBC just canceled Robin Hood and I’m so happy about that, that I’m willing to be charitable.)

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Returning)

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When: September 17 on FX

Why: Doesn’t it feel like forever ago since we’ve seen Dennis, Mac, Charlie, Dee and Frank? I started seeing previews for the new season a few weeks ago and cannot even begin to describe my joy and excitement. Just that one image of Charlie and the cat with the red mittens set me up for the rest of the month. Can’t wait.

How I Met Your Mother (Returning)

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When: September 21 on CBS

Why: I probably would never have started watch HIMYM if it weren’t for sweet, glorious Lifetime. I have an automatic aversion to CBS comedies (hearing that everyone’s dad likes “The Big Bang Theory” is not enough of an incentive to actually watch the show. And I’ve seen “Two and a Half Men” and all I have to say is, “Really? THIS is the biggest sitcom in America?”). Mother, however, while not being all-out funny is actually really enjoyable to watch. The characters are just quirky enough to be endearing and the situations actually ring true for a 20/30 something group of friends. Plus, Neil Patrick Harris is in it and apparently you didn’t get the memo that we have to see him in EVERYTHING these days.

Modern Family (New)

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When: September 23 on ABC

Why: The up-close previews at my local movie theater actually made me chuckle. And while I’m pretty sure I’ll watch this show once and then completely forget it exists, I’m still excited to see that first episode. Plus that girl from Ed and Lost (and Happy Madison!) is in it.

* Harry Connick Jr. was seriously underrated on Will and Grace. Just saying.

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by Judi

Ok, fine. FINE. I admit it. I LOVE musicals. Are you happy? Are you satisfied? I am one of those people who “totally gets” what’s so great about people who spontaneously burst into song and tap-dance in the street in big, choreographed numbers. I think the fact that the musical is now a relic of better times (and High School Musical does not count, sorry. Call me when those kids challenge The Jets) is a travesty and must be remedied. But I digress. This platform is not the place for movie musicals. It’s a place of television MAGIC.

Occasionally though, these two worlds collide in outrageously entertaining fashion. Some are lavish, all-episode affairs (see #1) and some are, well, ridiculous. Some shows did it a little too much (I’m looking at you, McBeal.) And some shows not at all, sadly. More often than not, it’s just an excuse for an actor to showcase his-or-her vocal skills. Whatever the reason, bring it on!

5. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air- Ashley sings “Respect” to Uncle Phil (who is clearly not respecting her)

Tatiana Ali is no stranger to vocal exercises, having been on Star Search singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” when she was a precious little thing. So it was inevitable that Fresh Prince would make her sing at some point. But, oh, using a karaoke moment to perfectly illustrate her point? That’s just sitcom gold, people. GOLD.

That’s right. It’s in German. This is how I’m watching Fresh Prince clips from now on. Hilarious.

4. Bones– Brennan sings “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” until Booth gets shot, ruining her solo

We all know Zooey Deschanel can sing but who knew sister Emily can bring it too? In the second-to-last episode of Season 3, Booth and Brennan track down a dude who murdered a karaoke singer and Booth ends up adopting the singer’s stalker (whoops). Since the victim was a singer, it’s only natural that the pair would end up discussing the benefits of karaoke, leading Brennan to announce that she has an awesome voice (in her usual, blunt way). No one really believes her (it was her mom who told her she was good) so they set up a little surprise. Except, halfway through the song (that Brennan is enjoying so much that it’s almost cringeworthy) the stalker shows up and shoots Booth. So Brennan, you know, grabs Booth’s gun and shoots the stalker through the throat. “Girls Just Want to Have Excellent Marksman Skills”?

I apologize for the crappiness of the clips but what can you do?

3. The Cosby Show– Happy Anniversary performance

If there’s any video representation of what my family has tried to be like over the years it’s this. (It hasn’t happened yet but we keep trying). It’s all so great. The moves, Theo’s descent down the stairs, little Rudy, Phylicia Rashad cracking up… Classic.

You really need to watch it again. Come on, it’s so good. Skip to 4:05 for the good stuff.

2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer– Once More With Feeling

Joss Whedon loves musicals too. (Just ask Dr. Horrible) I don’t know what it is about this all-musical episode of Buffy but people reeeeally love it. Like have parties and sing-along love it. THEY DO LIVE PERFORMANCES (see below). The premise is made to tie in with a demon, of course, one that turns little sister Dawn’s world into a musical extravaganza leading to such numbers as “Something to Sing About” and “Where Do We Go From Here.” The singing is awkward but well-meaning but really, before this no show tried to capture what’s so great about musicals- that singing your feelings is a very pretty way of, you know, singing your feelings.

1. The Brady Bunch– The kids sing “Sunshine Day” and dance their way into the Camp Hall of Fame

As usual, the reason for the Brady kids singing on the Pete Sterne Amateur Hour is all Jan’s fault. I forget why but the PLOT of this classic episode is hardly the point. No, the point is awkward singing, the most cheerful song in the history of mankind (it’s really more like a sitcom jingle than a song but I digress), the choreography and what this would all lead to… the genius, short-lived program known as The Brady Bunch Variety Hour (which Jan refused to be a part of, thus ruining that too. Thanks a lot, Jan) Don’t you dig the sunshine? Don’t you hear it calling your name?

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by Judi

(*Note: Everyone is clearly dying all around us. Run for your lives.)

I basically came up with today’s Top Five topic and immediately, I was hit with WAY too many possibilities. Seriously, there have been some bat-shit crazy plot twists over the years. It was tough to narrow down the list to just five but pretty easy to distinguish what made the list- any time I sat on my couch, eyes wide, and the words, “What the HELL just happened?” And not in a good way.

5. Friday Night Lights– Landry and Tyra Kill Her Rapist- Season 2 (2007)

I’ve been a big-time supporter of Friday Night Lights for a while now and let me just say that it is REALLY hard to promote a show that you’ve been hailing as “realistic”, “gritty” and “so so GOOD” when the second season gives us THIS- nerd Landry and reformed-hobag Tyra kill her almost-rapist. And then they try to cover it up. And then they hook up. And then they forget about it. What?

I’m not the only one who considers Season 2 a giant blunder of epic proportions (and now, as a devoted FNL supporter, it is my solemn duty to inform you that Season 3 was AWESOME and please watch the next season, please please please- ahem), largely due to this LUDICROUS storyline that sought to turn Dillon, TX into the next Genoa City.

4. Bones– Zack is a cannibal’s apprentice in “The Pain in the Heart” (2008)

To their credit, the powers behind Bones tried to warn us early on in season three about the dangers of the “completely rational person.” Because, as they explain, the completely rational person is not moved by emotion but by pure logic. Give them a convincing reason to kill and they could kill, without remorse.

Yeaaaah, ok. I kind of get it. But explain to me how we went from “kill” to “becoming a cannibalistic serial killer’s APPRENTICE”? In the third season ender of Bones, we learn that Gormogon, the serial killer who likes to kill and eat your nibbly bits, actually had help inside the Jeffersonian lab. And that would be- Zack. Precocious boy genius. Temperance Brennan’s favorite student, so like her in intellgence and rational thought, adored by all as something akin to the class mascot. Who suddenly was INSANE.

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That overwhelming sound you heard two years ago? That was a gaggle of Bones fans yelping, “WHAT? Seriously?! Aw, does that mean Zack’s not coming back??”

3. Dawson’s Creek– Dawson’s dad Mitch bites it while eating an ice cream cone in “Capeside Revisited” (2001)

Just like people always remember where they were when Kennedy was shot, I will always remember where I was when Mitch Leery died by ice cream cone. I was sitting in my dorm room and I’m pretty sure my mouth was hanging over. Almost immediately, I heard a chorus of, “What the FUCK?” down the hall (which was pretty typical for a Wednesday night- Dawson’s Creek episode but louder than usual) and my phone rang. It was my sister, who immediately launched into, “Um, did they just kill Dawson’s dad WITH AN ICE CREAM CONE?”

In case you missed it the first time around, he wasn’t assaulted by Butter Pecan or anything. No, happy-go-lucky Mitch Leery was driving his car, munching away on his cone and singing along to the radio when he dropped his delicious tasty treat on the floor. He then bent down to get it and his car got hit by a truck. Commence flash of light. Commence this expression for three subsequent episodes. Commence “What the FUCK?” everywhere.

If you want to see something amazing, Google search "Dawson crying" and you will be hit with a WHOLE WALL of this exact photo

If you want to see something amazing, Google search "Dawson crying" and you will be hit with a WHOLE WALL of this exact photo. It's INCREDIBLE.

Pacey’s right. It was clearly the ice cream cone’s fault. (In an unrelated note, I really miss the old WB promo voice.)

2. Robin Hood– Here’s an idea- LET’S KILL MAID MARIAN in “We Are Robin Hood” (2007)

Ok, first of all- let me just say that I am still so ANGRY about this little development, that even looking up the episode on TV.com filled me with the kind of rage I usually reserve for the likes of Donald Trump and Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Goop” newsletter. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the most recent atrocity so the BETRAYAL is still fresh in my mind or if it has something to do with my somewhat pathological obsession with the Robin Hood story ever since I was a little girl.

Whatever the case may be, the decision to kill Marian in the second season ender? I was deeply, deeply infatuated with the BBC’s newfangled “Robin Hood” series- it was so, so BRITISH and like slightly campy but a bit closer to HBO’s Carnivale than those shows like Hercules or Xena. In other words, I was completely hooked to the point of downloading episodes onto my ancient laptop to watch on a cross-country train trip when I moved to Chicago. This is the type of show-obsession where I used to sit anxiously on the edge of my couch, waiting for it to come on, pillow clutched in my lap, DO NOT CALL ME RIGHT NOW. We’ve all had shows like this, you know you have too, and I was ENTRENCHED. So, when the big reveal of “who dies in the season finale” turned out to be, well, HER? I was furious. I threw things. I sat there, gaping, too stunned for swear words. I vowed never to watch the show ever ever again in my life. I’m clearly still not over it. HOW DO YOU KILL MAID MARIAN IN A SHOW ABOUT ROBIN HOOD? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? Ok, I’m done now GOD.

I don’t even want to show a picture or a video or anything. Let’s move on- still SO ANGRY.

1. Roseanne– The entire last part of the show was a LIE in “Into That Good Night (2)”

roseanne_cast

Oh, Roseanne. Few shows jumped the shark as neatly as Roseanne (I have to tread carefully here. We’re in Bealtown now and I’m pretty sure there’s a statue of the Connors in the town square. Them’s fightin’ words) in its latter seasons. You can actually mark the dividing line of When Roseanne was very good and When Roseanne was unwatchable at “The Connors win the lottery.” As soon as I see that it’s one of those gauzy, leather chair-episodes, I change the channel immediately. Maybe Seinfeld was right to go out on top after all.

I’m a big believer in epilogues. I think the ending to a long-running show is important and not to be glossed over. After all, we the viewers have stuck with you, the show, for almost a decade, if the show is lucky enough to live that long. Give us closure, give us a satisfying end. Sure, ok, make Bob Newhart wake up in bed with Suzanne Pleshett. Cute. Clever. Precious. We all preferred Suzanne anyway.

But no. Do not sit in a basement and tell me that the last few years have been a lie. Don’t mess with my mind and tell me Darlene was with Mark and David with Becky. Don’t reveal that it was Jackie was gay, not hilarious Bev (though seriously, I think we all knew Jackie was gay right?). But there’s one point, in particular, where you simply do not go.You don’t kill Dan Conner. No, you can’t. That’s a seriously heartbreaking twist right there and one we pretty much, as a NATION, rejected immediately. No, no, no, no.

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