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Archive for the ‘Desperate Housewives’ Category

by Beal

Desperate-Housewives-Season-6-Promo-Cast-Pic-desperate-housewives-8023154-1999-2560Desperate Housewives sixth season premiered last night on ABC and what a treat it was. I cannot believe I can still sit in front of this program and accept the things they have written down on paper and acted out before me. First of all, the cliffhanger is resolved in the most predictable fashion EVER. Ohh, it’s such a mystery! There’s a wedding, but did Mike marry Susan?? Or Katherine?? Hmm!? I wonder. Duh, obviously he married Susan, big surprise. Come on DH, your payoff sucked. And as for Crazy Dave who rammed his car into another car (in a plot to kill M.J. Delfino, human giga pet) we’re just not going to go there? No mention of his condition? Is he alive or dead? WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe he’s the guy that choked out Julie Meyer (who returned to the show for the apparent sole purpose of being strangled and left to die by the trash cans) in the final moments of the episode. Actually, that’s sort of a decent guess, because the new neighbor boy, who clearly has some secret issues in his past, is far too obvious.

Lynette is annoying as ever. She’s three months pregnant with twins and after an ultra-sound tells husband Tom that she “doesn’t love these babies.” Well, Lynette, you are a coldhearted bitch and if you didn’t think you were going to love them, you should have done something about that three months ago. I’m not going to listen to you bitch for the next 18 seasons about these damn menopause babies. Shut up and deal with it, or give them up for adoption. Better yet, go back to stealing other children’s Ritalin, you were interesting then.

1000067629Gaby and Carlos become the legal guardians of Carlos’ wayward niece, who happens to be the hottest girl on Wisteria Lane. Gaby feels compelled to show some tough love to this hardened teen, ripping her out the club in an embarrassing manner and forcing her to wear appropriate clothes to school. I couldn’t care less about this story line (except I sort of think that Jesse Metcalfe is going to re-enter the picture as her love interest, fingers crossed), but I did LOVE the part where Juanita (Gaby and Carlos’s obese kid) ghetto snapped and yelled “Oh snap!” when Gaby scolded the niece for her slutty appearance. What is this? An episode of That’s So Raven?

As for Bree, she’s busy having a somewhat seedy affair with Susan’s ex-husband/Bree’s ex-lover Karl Meyer. My hope is that it gets ACTUALLY seedy, and not just “seedy for Bree.” Stop with the flowers and the high thread count sheet bullshit, this story line has potential!

TVGuide-Outtakes-Dana-Delaney-desperate-housewives-3097066-317-400And now to my favorite new development of the season: Katherine is now crazy. First, she shows up to the new neighbor’s house (ahem, DREA DE MATTEO, what?) where all the other ladies are enjoying tea and crumpets to drop something off for Bree. When someone points out that the buttons on her shirt are misaligned, she perks out of normal and has a “Oh yea, it’s cause I’m crazy” moment. The following day, she commandeers Susan’s wedding dress and wears it while cooking red pasta sauce and taunting Susan. At the last second she snaps out of it, and again, realizes she’s crazy and gives the dress back. Finally, she shows up at the wedding, threatens Susan with a scene, Susan locks her in the closet, she gets out just in time and scampers down the aisle just as Susan and Mike are traipsing out. Susan makes a public apology to appease her, but because she’s CRAZY she doesn’t accept, but pretends to. This is what I was talking about when I say, “I can’t believe someone wrote that down.” Sure, Katherine’s lover (Mike Delfino) left her for her friend (his ex-wife) but come one, eat a bucket of ice cream, burn some photos and move on with your life. Seriously, I’m pretty sure when the script came out it just said, “Katherine is now batshit. Please act accordingly. – M.C.”

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by Beal

Karen McCluskey (Kathryn Joosten)Show: Desperate Housewives

Character: Karen McCluskey

Actor: Kathryn Joosten

In a NUT shell: Karen McCluskey is about the least complex character on all of Wisteria Lane. She’s so two dimensional, that I couldn’t NOT love her. Widowed and a bit zany, she babysits neighborhood kids, drinks a little too much, fails to mind her business, owns a couple of cats, spouts wacky one-liners, occasionally attempts to solve mysteries and OH YEA, kept her dead husband in her basement deep freeze. Every once in awhile, we get to see the softer side of Mrs. McCluskey, when her BFF dies in the tornado, when the Scavo boys come to apologize and we learn that she lost a son many years ago or when her boozing partner in crime, Edie’s, husband steals her cat. Oh, and she’s won two “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series” for her portrayal of Karen McCluskey.

Also seen in: A true character actress, Joosten is no stranger to the small screen. She’s appeared on everything from The West Wing to General Hospital, Frasier, Murphy Brown, Seinfeld, Roseanne and NYPD Blue just to name a few. You can also catch her in commercials for  V8 and my (and Amdan’s) personal favorite, Fiber One yogurt! “So we gotta eat the box to get the fiber?”

Favorite Moments: Pretty much anytime she makes her way onto the screen, I shriek with joy and laughter. Let’s see, when the housewives must road trip out to Edie’s son’s dorm to report her death, and ol’ McClusk is perched in the very backseat, makes me laugh, but not as hard as when it’s so obvious that they’re going to elect to her fix their flat tire. When she barrels through the front door of her surprise birthday party with a baseball bat and smashes her own cake, when the Scavo boys come to her house and she offers them peanut brittle and at Katherine’s party when she “drank a pitcher of martinis.”  But McCluskey’s finest moments are when she teams up with her more unscrupulous sister, played by Lily Tomlin. These two elderly drunken gumshoes try to solve the mystery of Dave Williams, and keep coming close, if he would just stop fucking with her. When he lands her in the hospital, McClusk calls her sister for the first time, “I need ya big time kiddo,” and the two begin their mission (not without pounding a tallboy of malt liquor first of course). Oh, and RUMOR HAS IT, that these two might be getting their own DH spin-off. Here’s hoping!

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by Beal

5. Desperate Housewives – Bree’s Pretend Pregnancy – Season 4 (2007)

Choosing which plot line on Desperate Housewives is the most ludicrous is like trying to decide which former child star is the most fucked up:  They’re all strong contenders. Still time and time again the Van de Kamp family sets themselves apart from the usual ridiculousness that goes down on Wisteria Lane. When Danielle gets knocked up by Julie Mayer’s boyfriend, Bree and second husband Orson Hodge (Trey McDougal from SATC) decide to revert to the 1950’s and hide Danielle away at some pregnant teens facility. In the mean time, Bree fakes a pregnancy so that when Danielle’s child is born, all the neighbors will think it is her and Orson’s natural born son. Things get zany when super pregnant Danielle shows up at a Halloween party (her costume, a real hit, is pregnant Bree Van de Kamp) and goes into labor. Less than a season later, everyone knows the truth and I’m still annoyed that Marc Cherry and his team covered up Marcia Cross’s real life pregnancy with this completely asinine plot point.

 

4. The X-Files – Scully’s Pregnancy/Birth of Baby William – Season 8 (2001)

I guess when Agent Fox Mulder left the show and the T-1000 stepped in it was only to be expected that things were about to get (more) ridiculous, enter Scully’s mysterious pregnancy. The show established early on that Agent Dana Scully was barren. (Did she give birth to a baby Emily at one point? Thats a whole other story, but it might have happened).

At any rate, around Season 8, career driven single gal Scully decides she wants a child, approaches Mulder to donate sperm and proceeds with in vitro fertilization, which failed and was never re-attempted. Of course Scully is abducted shortly thereafter and bam, now she’s knocked up. From here it’s so absurd that I’m not even going to attempt to chronicle it properly, but basically William’s conception is mysterious at best. He might be the result of Mulder and Scully finally sleeping together (which, ratings-wise would have been best if actually aired), a standard alien spawn or ya know, a fucking “organic” Super Soldier created by a secret government syndicate that would be used as a slave race for colonization. 

As a baby, William was “cured” of his telekinetic powers, and then, to protect him, Scully obviously sent him off to live with some Christians in Wyoming. In the latest tragedy that was The X-Files: I Want to Believe, William was alive and well, living with Mulder and Scully as his parents. Go figure.

 

3. Roseanne – The Connors Win the Lottery – Season 9 (1996)

I don’t think I’m alone in pretending that the ninth season of Roseanne doesn’t exist. Everything that made the show funny (and it was damn funny) was eliminated entirely when in the final season, the Conners and Jackie won $108 million in the Illinois state lottery. So all of a sudden this relatable family we’ve watched toil through mundane scenarios for eight years, comically exemplifying the plight of the American working class,can afford pretty much anything money can buy? Oh wait, but so that the show doesn’t alter too much, we’ll have them remodel the INTERIOR of their shit box house and all live in the crowded splendor of this three-bedroom home with modern decor. Get right out of town! If I want to watch what white trash does with money, I’ll flip the channel over to Bravo and catch up with the latest happenings of The Real Housewives of Orange County. And also, hold on just a darn minute. Jackie dates a prince? Fine. I’ll buy that. The prince is played by Ernest P. Worrell? You’ve gone to far.

 

2.  Melrose Place – Kimberly Comes Back from the Dead/Blows up Melrose Place – Seasons 2/3 (1993 – 1995)

Michael Mancini and Kimberly Shaw’s (Marcia Cross, whose double appearance on this list is likely her greatest accolade) affair becomes legitimized when Michael proposers to her at dinner, she rejects and he gets drunk. In the car, Kimberly reconsiders and accepts, the couple kiss and wouldn’t you know it, they veer right off the road. The car hits something at a high enough speed to paralyze Michael and kill Kimberly, or so we think. This was not a cliffhanger moment, we don’t think that Kimberly is dead and when the new season begins, it turns out that she pulled through. No! KIMBERLY COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD! (I don’t think I need to remind you of the wig scene). And thank god, because who else would have blown up that apartment complex of iniquity they were all co-habitating in.

 

1. Beverly Hills, 90210 – Kelly’s Rehab Roommate Tries to Kill Her – Season 6 (1996)

Picture 1Any fan of Beverly Hills, 90210 knows that Kelly Taylor’s really been through the ringer. During the course of the show she was raped (more than once), sucked into a cult, burnt up in a fire, shot in a parking lot (which resulted in amnesia) and been addicted to both diet pills and cocaine. She’s good people though, so when her cocaine addiction takes over her life, she seeks help in the form of inpatient rehab, where she rooms with a young and ugly junkie called Tara. After completing rehab, Tara moves into the beach house with Kelly. And here’s where an already absurd plot line becomes completely preposterous. Long story short, ol’ Tara goes completely Single White Female on Kelly, which in no way creeps her out. Next thing you know, she’s wielding a gun, and rigging the car up for a carbon monoxide poisoning back-up plan as she and Kelly sit hand-in-hand in Kelly’s car, overlooking the canyon the car is about to plummet into. I submit, Aaron Spelling at his finest.

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by Beal

jackie_harrisShow: Roseanne

Character: Jackie Harris/Aunt Jackie

Actor: Laurie Metcalf

Basically: In a role that garnered three Emmy’s, Metcalf plays Jackie Harris, Roseanne Conner’s kid sister/resident hot mess. Although similar in age to Roseanne and Dan, Jackie remains unmarried and childless (until Fred comes along and knocks her up) throughout much of the series. She goes on many a date to the local Lobo Lounge, but none of her relationships tend to stick, including one with Mr. George Clooney aka Booker, one of her co-workers at the plastics factory. Jackie keeps herself busy upholding the law as a Landford Police Officer, participating in community theater, driving a big rig, co-owning the Lanford Lunchbox and finally as a lottery winner (consider the shark, jumped). She lives in a super-sweet studio apartment somewhere in the more urban part of Landford, and like any good sister/aunt/sister-in-law she frequents the Conner household for free dinners and access to a washer and dryer.

Darlene: What’s wrong with Aunt Jackie?

Roseanne: Some say environment. . . 

Not to be missed in: Uncle Buck as Marcie Dahlgren-Frost (“Dahlgren is my maiden name. Frost is my married name. I’m single again but I’ve never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.”) or Desperate Housewives as Carolyn Bigsby who holds up the supermarket and shoots herself after learning of her husband’s affair (Bonus: Fisher, Jackie’s abusive boyfriend on Roseanne, also in the supermarket when she goes postal.)

Why I LOVE Jackie: Hmm, let me count the ways. Usually given few lines to work with, Jackie manages to collect the most laughs, on the regular. She’s neurotic without being ridiculous, pitiful without being pathetic, and in my opinion, one of the funniest characters ever to appear on television. Her laughs were based on merit–great comedic timing and ability to deliver a one-liner without pandering to the studio audience. Although clearly a supporting role, Jackie rarely played second fiddle to Roseanne, easily stealing the scene, if only for a moment.

In A Stash from the Past, Dan, Roseanne and Jackie smoke an old bag of pot they find in the basement. Dan and Roseanne are sitting in their bathroom munching on a fudgesicle when out of nowhere, we hear Jackie, “Nobody loves me.” And as Roseanne pulls the shower curtain and we discover that Jackie is both high and hanging out in the bathtub, I lose it. And then, wait for it, after a hilarious stoned analysis of her life Jackie asks, “Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?” A line which to this day, still elicits the kind of laughter that makes my abdomen (or lack there of) sore the following day. 

Another classic hernia-inducing moment comes at the cost of humiliating Roseanne Arnold’s then husband/producer Tom Arnold. Tell ya what, I have rarely laughed harder than the moment Jackie wakes up in her bed, after a rough night down at the Lobo and begins to put the pieces together from the night before. There are men’s clothes and shoes on the side of the bed, and just as she begins to question who their owner might be, a wife-beater/boxer shorts clad Tom Arnold busts out of the bathroom and asks for a ride home. The horrified look on Jackie’s face is worth it’s weight in urine remover. Oh god, and the scene in the restaurant when Jackie proclaims to the girls (Bonnie, Anne-Marie and Crystal), “I SLEPT WITH ARNIE.” It’s over, I lose it every time. Let’s not forget that she Lysol’s the mattress after the fact, and that this incident alone propelled Roseanne to drive Jackie over to Elgin to sign up for trucker school.

Favorite Moment:

“Well, that’s okay!”

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by Beal

I rarely discuss my affinity for the denizens of Wisteria Lane, but in the wake of Sunday’s season finale, I think it’s important to re-evaluate my loyalty to this program. Admittedly, this show is absolutely ridiculous. Angela Lansbury saw fewer mystery deaths in Cabot Cove than these characters see in a month! Still, I can’t turn it off. Mostly because I LOVE Karen McClusky and everything she says and does.

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Obviously the big story line this season was Edie’s new husband Crazy Dave. I realize, that as the viewer, I am privy to Dave’s private activities that reveal to me, and not to his peers, that he is batshit insane. But come on! He has the devil in his eyes, he rides a beach cruiser around the neighborhood like the Wicked Witch of the West and all of his behavior suggests that he is a total sociopath/serial killer. Obviously though, no one would come to this conclusion until the last 25 minutes of the season, when Dave INSISTS on taking Susan and her wind-up doll of a kid on a fishing trip, so that he can kill the child while Susan watches to punish her for killing his wife/daughter in a car accident five years prior. I will say that I applaud the darkness of this scenario and yet a part of me knows deep inside, that it’s too dark for network prime-time, and so I know too soon that this obnoxious spawn of Susan and Mike Delfino will survive Dave’s plan. (Suggestion: Dave, save yourself the trouble of plotting an untraceable murder, and just open up M.J.’s back and remove the battery.)

Anyway, as we all know, Susan and M.J. survive and Susan and Mike make out. Like, seriously, how many seasons are going to end with us wondering if Mike and Susan are FINALLY going to make it work?

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Oh I don’t know, probably about as many times as we have to hear Tom Scavo complain that he failed at life? Or as many times as Carlos and Gaby come in and out of money?Perhaps as many times as Bree and Orson arrive at an ultimatum? Maybe as many times as Carl Mayer sleeps with one of the housewives? Or as many times as a manipulative bitch moves in with a Wisteria family? As many times as Lynette’s been pregnant?  

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I could go on, but the point, Marc Cherry, is this: think of a new story line, or this dedicated fan, and her homo-viewing companion are officially, considering, maybe, only watching the season premiere. 

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Man, I really really want to like this show, but I’m just not sure I have it in me. Everything about it, should make for good television, but at some point between production and Sunday nights on AMC, the magic is lost in the airwaves. The plot is none too different from Weeds, which is probably my favorite premium cable show of all time. That being said, Breaking Bad obviously had a lot to live up to, but it stood to offer so much more dark, dark drama.

The premise is fairly simple. Walt, played by Emmy award winner Bryan Cranston, is a high school chemistry teacher, with a special needs teenage son, a pregnant wife and lung cancer. His brother is a DEA agent, and during a ride along, he discovers a former student is dealing meth and making tons of money, and decides to bribe the kid into a partnership. Obviously, as a professional Chemist, he is able to create the Holy Grail of crystal methamphetamines. 

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Season two began a few weeks ago, but I haven’t made my way to the new episodes, because I’m still battling my way through the Season one marathon I recorded before Season two began. I never thought I would complain about a show that really blows shit out of the water in every episode (after five seasons of committed Desperate Housewives watching, it’s nice for a plot to fucking move once in awhile), but the writers don’t even give me an opportunity to start to worry about what’s going on, before they punch me in the face with another crisis. 

I am intrigued by their uncommon formula for creating television drama. And I am quite sure that I would like to discover how they’re going to get away with a murder, a possible double murder, the disposal of the bodies (of which the kid dissolved one in the bathtub, not knowing that acid that ate human bones, would also burn through a porcelain tub) and continue to have a profitable meth business. However, I’m not sure there is anything great to look forward to in the final moments of the season.

I blame Dick Wolf for this. He has to behind this. He’s stretched the weekly Law & Order premise to an entire season. The adrenaline rush of finding the perp in the first thirty minutes captures your attention, but by the time Jack McCoy starts rambling on in the courtroom, serving justice one over dramatic monologue at a time, I just wish I’d fallen asleep. 

 

–BEAL

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Perhaps I’ve mentioned it before, perhaps everyday, but I like to watch The Golden Girls each night from 1 am to 2:30 am on the Lifetime network. It’s the perfect wind down from an otherwise turbulent day of searching for something great to watch on television. I’ve also gotten myself into the habit of watching Frasier for an hour before GG begins. Upon consulting the guide to determine which episodes would be on tonight (only two are usually on on Mondays, because Rita Rocks reruns at 2). At any rate, Desperate Housewives was positioned in the 1 am block. What the fuck is this? What asshole is trying to destroy the one and only thing I can actually call a “routine” in my life? 

I don’t know how I am going to function. I can’t find a new show to watch, The Golden Girls is absolutely the only program that will suffice!! Ugh, I’m never going to fall asleep again!!!!

Wait a minute, hold up, what’s that? HALLMARK CHANNEL YOU’VE SAVED THE DAY! 

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Whew! Crisis averted. And check out these added bonuses:

1. The Golden Girls are on from MIDNIGHT to 2 am  night (except Sunday– BTW what’s up with that? Lifetime didn’t air it on Sunday either. Is there some sort of Sabbath rule on watching the elderly date promiscuously?) so I can function almost normally, and maybe even fall asleep a half hour earlier each night.

2. Hallmark is airing I Love Lucy at 2 am. Perfect! Thank you! I can handle a zany half hour of olden timey situation comedy as I fall asleep. I back this little mix-up.

3. At 2:30 am, Lifetime converts to paid programming. Not only does Hallmark provide an extra half hour of regular programming, wait for it, they fill that half hour with Cheers

4. And, if all that wasn’t enough, the 11 p.m. Hallmark hour is filled with Murder, She Wrote. Are you kidding me right now? What a terribly terrific program! Angela, I foresee a beautiful friendship burgeoning here. 

5. Although I was briefly furious with Lifetime for removing GG from their lineup, they did replace one hour of it with one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Desperate Housewives–which I watch solely for the Karen McClusky character, and so in the event that GG is one I’ve watched too recently, I have a satisfying alternative.

So, let’s review. On any given night, nestled in my own bed, I have the potential for one of the greatest lineups in all of television history:

11:00 Murder, She Wrote

12:00 Frasier/The Golden Girls

12:30 Frasier/The Golden Girls

1:00 The Golden Girls/Desperate Housewives

1:30 The Golden Girls/Desperate Housewives

2:00 I Love Lucy

2:30 Cheers

 

–BEAL

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