Top Five Fridays: TV Shows I Wouldn’t be Caught Dead Watching

by Beal

I think our previous posts here at NTO have made it abundantly clear that we are far from picky when it comes to watching television. Essentially, if it airs, we’ll watch it. Bad sitcoms? Sure. Terrible crime dramas? I’ve got an hour to kill. Programs aimed at gawky tweens? Why not. Simply put, our tolerance for absolute swill, is HIGH. Still, as low as they may be, we do have standards, and some shows just don’t meet them. Please keep in mind that Full House is pretty much my favorite show and that I have no qualms about tuning into Hannah Montana, Mama’s Family or Hee Haw, which I think speaks volumes about the selections below. The Top Five TV Shows I Wouldn’t be Caught Dead Watching are:

5. Matlock (1986 – 1992)

I feel a little bit guilty for putting this program on my list, because I really do have the utmost respect for Andy Griffith, but COME ON! This damn show has been infiltrating otherwise excellent re-run blocks for as long as I can remember. Already a fan of the Hallmark Channel, I must give them props for retaining the rights to this show, but removing it from the airwaves, but only as recently as last Spring. Who the hell came up with this show anyway? The real Barney Fife? Andy Griffith stars as Ben Matlock, an aged Colonel Sanders-looking lawyer who solves murder mysteries. It’s pretty much like Murder She Wrote except more awful. Was he a detective too? Did he personally solve the crimes? I have no idea, as soon as that damn theme song started, I was off the couch and out the door. I’m not sure anyone under the age of 90 could answer those questions, because no one born after 1929 has ever watched this show. Sorry Mr. Griffith, but your television comeback was super lame.

4. JONAS (2009 – present)

I’m not even going to try to explain what this bullshit is all about. The Jonas Brothers are one tween phenomenon that I would prefer to know nothing about. Three brothers, not unlike the Hansons, “play” their instruments and get involved in standard sitcom hi-jinx, probably. These “boys,” who are quite possibly my age, are a Disney product unlike any other. So fine, I watch Hannah Montana, mostly because I get a kick out of zany bad acting and plots that involve mistaken identity, schemes and costumes, but I draw the line at these damned Jonas kids. Enough already. They dress them up in tight little pants, and vests and trendy hats and I’m supposed to swoon? Is that even legal? (I’m seriously asking.) This show (which I have honestly never watched) makes me seriously reconsider my dedication to Disney Channel original programming. I can accept a shitty sitcom. I can accept a manufactured persona, but I refuse to accept a Disney created pop star super brand band comprised of no talent teeny boppers, especially in the absence of a father made famous by Achy Breaky Heart.

3. Heroes (2006 – present)

Fine, so this might be a really great show, but I’ll never know because of a personal vendetta I hold against it, specifically its creator, Tim Kring. Kring, you might not remember, created another show called Crossing Jordan for which I, was its only fan. For one season, BOTH shows aired. It was CJ’s final, and it suffered. Now, I understand that if you have two shows on the air, and one is immensely popular and the other is mocked relentlessly, then its an easy choice to make: Save the cheerleader, fuck Crossing Jordan. However, I would have liked to see Kring at least do the show justice in the series finale. Instead, he let the show die a slow and painful death and when it wasn’t renewed for the 2007 season, he changed the plane crash “cliffhanger” ending into a final rescue, which only featured half the cast. So, as far as I’m concerned Heroes can go straight to hell. Also, really?  A super-heroes-(that-are-otherwise-completely-bad-archetypes)-among-us premise? Really? I like science fiction as much as the next guy, but don’t insult my intelligence.

2. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993 – 1998)

According to Wikipedia, this show aired in more than 100 countries. For a second, I reconsidered its placement on this list. Perhaps it is a really good show! Then I remembered that Baywatch was also immensely popular overseas, and I instantly hated this show even more. I cannot think of any premise that sounds less appealing, or more devoid of entertainment value than a late 19th century female physician proving her worth on the range. I hate a period piece, and I hate it even more if it stars Jane Seymour (whose foray into jewelry making and “art” is only a boon to my distaste for her.) And how am I supposed to identify with any of these characters? We have nothing in common. I’m worried that my health insurance won’t cover prescription mood stabilizers and they’re trading animal pelts for curing tonics made of dandelions.

1. Grey’s Anatomy (2005 – present)

Am I the only person who is completely offended by the absolute absurdity of this show? When was the last time you went into a hospital and nearly every doctor in it was super attractive and/or uncontrollably making out with a coworker? Alright, fine, I get it. It’s television and no one wants to stare at ugly people all day, but give me a fucking break. Hospital drama has been done before. How will Grey’s (as every fan insists on calling it) be any different? Oh how about we just up the sex factor by, oh, a million percent. Let’s just say, I’m not interested in what doctors do, ON or OFF the clock, so I’m already annoyed by this show. And now you’ve got everyone in America prefixing adjectives with “Mc?” UGH. SPARE ME! McDreamy, McSteamy, McIjusthrewupinmymouth. I’ll give it to you, Patrick Dempsey is a good looking guy, but he’s no Pitt or McConaughey, he’s barely a Bacon. In fact, he’s Ronald Miller, the nerdy lawn boy from next door who pays Cindy Mancini a thousand bucks to pretend to be his girlfriend for a week. And don’t even get me started on Sandra Oh. I saw Sideways. She wasn’t remarkable in that, and she’s no more remarkable in this. She just is. She’s on par with Teri Hatcher as far as I’m concerned. And Ellen Pompeo, adorable, but that voice, its so grating. Seriously, why do they insist on someone with a speech impediment narrating that show? It wasn’t annoying enough?

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Dear NBC

by Judi

Really? You’re keeping Heroes but you might not renew Medium? REALLY? It’s like finding shit on your shoe and THROWING OUT THE SHOE. Who does that?

I don't know what's going on here but I find it highly amusing and it solidifies my point. Thanks.

You’ll bring back Law & Order: SVU but maybe without Benson and Stabler? Really? You think that’s really going to work? Do you think we watch that show just for a few brief seconds of Munch and Cragen? WE DON’T. We watch it because Stabler might punch someone in the face and then Olivia will need to lie about it.

You seem like a nice man and we both love "Top Gear" but no, no, NO.

Jay Leno five nights a week? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO. That’s five hours a week of programming dedicated to a man whose comedy is so obsolete, it’s not even welcome when you’re standing in an endless checkout line at the supermarket, wondering if anyone finds those stale “Headlines” jokes remotely amusing anymore and do we REALLY need small TV screens at THE SUPERMARKET? I love television but COME ON. And oh my God, Kirstie is on the cover of People and her poodle is insane, what is happening to this world?

Celebrity Apprentice. No. Stop it. I mean it, you’re embarrassing me. STOP IT. In a related rant- remember a few years ago when feminists everywhere were all “we’re going to take the word ‘bitch’ back! And we’re going to OWN it now!” And that didn’t really work because taking back words is not really a solid plan, ever? I still I think we should try it now. I think we should get Jolie and Pitt and Clooney and Roberts and Lance Armstrong together and force them to reclaim the titles “celebrity” and “stars” so that network honchos will no longer boost their middling reality and game show fare with such claims. It is not Dancing With the Stars. It’s more like “Dancing with Has-Beens and Hacks and People Who Sign Photos at The Mall” and it is not Celebrity Apprentice so much as “What’s His/Her Name Again? Apprentice.” Someone please stop the insanity. Let’s take back the night. Let’s take back EVERY NIGHT, starting on NBC from 10 to 11PM.

I miss you, Conan. So so much.

Sincerely,

Judi

PS Thank you for renewing Friday Night Lights. It’s like we went to couples counseling and you’re still not doing most of the major things we discussed necessary for you to become a better partner but you ARE clipping your toenails in the bathroom now. I’ll take it where I can get it, thank you.

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How “Heroes” Is Helping Me Write My Novel

While watching the dismal scene between Claire and Nathan in Mexico on this week’s episode of “Heroes,” it occurred to me that what made the scene so disappointing is EXACTLY what was bothering me about a scene I had written myself that day, in the novel I’m working on. I didn’t really buy my scene either.

All of a sudden Claire and Nathan have this heart-to-heart about what kind of man he should be. Yeah, he should act like a man but first, don’t we need to get a little angry first? This dude locked up your friends and has established it so that people like him are being held in detainment centers by the government and the only reason you’re ok with this is because he rescued you from getting locked up? And not because he suddenly came to his senses but because he was found out for having powers? What?

I’m serious, as soon as this scene was over and I was done shaking my head, I grabbed my laptop and erased the scene I’d written earlier in the day. I had to face facts that I was rushing things, that the emotional current I was creating between my main characters was not authentic and, therefore, was ultimately a waste of someone’s time. And yes, I’ll have to rewrite it but at least then it will be marginally better. Before I delete that and write it again. And again. And again.

This is the last time I’m going to say this, Team Behind Heroes- I get it, building emotional connections between characters is tough. I’m grappling with it myself. But forcing it is unacceptable. You want my advice? Demand an end-date for the show, ala Lost, and get down to writing out how this is all going to go. Create an end-point for these characters, emotional and plot end-points and then create a LOGICAL WAY TO GET THERE. This is Story 101 not rocket science.

I could be watching “How I Met Your Mother” for God’s sake.

– Judi

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Why Medium is Livin’ LARGE

Yes, I am one of those people who is constantly referring to NBC’s Medium as the savior for all TV-kind. Last night’s episode was yet another good example as it, once more, kicked Heroes soundly in the ass in terms of awesomeness (as opposed to just giving it a random thrashing, which Heroes totally deserves too. Though I did smirk when they called Peter a “nurse” and made it sound like an insult. “I’m a cop, you’re a scientist, Peter’s just a nurse.”)

Reasons Why Medium Wins Every Time / Is a Harbinger For Good Things in the Future of Television

1. Patricia Arquette is actually the size of a normal person. Whenever I see one of her doughy arms, I gleefully clap and then pinch my own doughy arm in solidarity.

2. Those kids are awesome. Especially Brigitte, she of the round face. They’re also psychics too which is even more fantastic. When Matt reads minds on Heroes he looks like he’s about to make a dookie on the floor (Greg Gunberg clearly went to the Joey Tribiani School of Acting. “I have a fishhook in my eye and I like it.”). When oldest daughter Ariel does it, accidentally reading Dad’s thoughts while he’s trying to teach her how to drive, it’s funny and sad and weird (Dad’s bummed he can’t really teach his daughter how to drive since she knows what he’s about to say before he says it.) Also awesome- they rarely address the fact that Brigitte and Ariel are psychic superheroes like Mom. It’s just THERE, the unspoken explanation. As opposed to Heroes, where someone says the word “abilities” every three seconds.

3. Question- which is scarier: Waking up bloodied and alone under a highway overpass in the middle of the night and realizing you may have just killed someone or waking up tied to a chair in a hotel room, being interrogated by three morons, the chief moron nearly screwing everything up by COMPLETELY overreacting to a useless piece of information (who cares that Noah warned HotHinder about the abductions? Was it really worth throwing him into a mirror?) Ugh, Heroes suuuucks.

4. Sample Medium guest star- Angelica Huston. Sample Heroes guest star- Moira “Toepick” Kelly. (Ok, I have to admit, I kind of love Moira Kelly. Any time Doug Dorsey shows up on anything I freak out too.)

5. I know everyone says this about Medium but shut up, it’s true. If you told me that Patricia Arquette and Jake Weber were married in real life, I would totally believe you. Also, I would like ALL of the soap operas to take note- it IS possible to have drama and still make sure everyone gets to school and work on a daily basis. We call that REALISM.

6.

Why HELLO. Take a seat on my sexy detective bench, won't you?

Case RESTED. BOOM.

– Judi

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