Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Sex & The City’ Category

5. Zack and Kelly from Saved by the Bell

No other couple exemplifies the early 90’s quite like Zack and Kelly. Whaaaaat was going on here? Sometimes they were dating, sometimes she was dancing with older men at The Attic, and sometimes Zack was secretly making out with Lisa in her bedroom (what a bitch!). But then there were those touching moments, like when Kelly couldn’t afford to go to the prom because her father lost his job (could you not have borrowed something from Lisa’s closet, I mean reeeeally) and Zack and Kelly danced cheek to cheek by the picnic tables out back. HOW ROMANTIC. I am forever scarred that I did not experience a cheesy Saturday morning love affair like theirs in high school. And let’s not forget that the SBTB wedding in Vegas, was probably the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen on television.

4. Carrie and Big from Sex and the City

I sort of hate myself for including these people on this list, or any other, but come on! What a trainwreck these two turned out to be. He was suck a dick, that you couldn’t help but fall in love with him, and he was rich, and charming and rich and then there’s kooky Carrie Bradshaw yukkin it up in her studio apartment, writing her little sex column, learning lessons about love and life everyday, and breaking them down into cute little nuggets of wisdom to share with the world. I’m not sure what this says about me (or all the other people who LOVED it) but my favorite episode of SATC will always be the one in which Carrie cheats on douchebag Aiden with Big, oh, remember, they fight in the elevator! And next thing you know, it’s a full on affair. Let’s not forget that he essentially left her at the altar though, which was kiiiinda assholey, but I feel like she deserved it a little, she is ridiculous after all. Fortunately, he won her over in the in with a fuckin shoe closet. Way to possess any amount of self respect, Carrie.

3. Kevin and Winnie from The Wonder Years

Man, how crushed were you in the final scene of the final episode of The Wonder Years when we learn that Kevin and Winnie did NOT end up together? I guess we’re supposed to move on and accept that they were merely each other’s first loves, but for the love of god, HUMOR ME. It’s difficult to watch this show now, because I no longer relate to EVERYTHING Kevin is going through at an INTENSE EMOTIONAL level, and rather feel a little bit uncomfortable about how IN LOVE these middle schoolers are with each other. And remember, (see clip below) when Winnie was sick and Kevin “took care of her?” When I was 12, if some kid had come to my house and entertained me whilst I was ill in bed, I would have surely wanted to punch him in the face. Drop off my homework and get the fuck out of here already, I’m sick and would prefer to be alone. . .

2. J.R. and Sue Ellen Ewing from Dallas

A lesser person probably would have chosen Pam and Bobby as the greatest couple on Dallas and those people would have been DEAD WRONG. Sure, Pam and Bobby’s love for each other is undying, but J.R. and Sue Ellen’s, is unadulterated. Theirs is a match made in HEAVEN. She a Texas beauty queen, he a rich independent oil man; he attracted to her good looks and well mannered persona; she attracted to his wealth and power. I assume they must have been happy together at some point, but not for long! He continued to womanize, and she couldn’t wake up without crushing bourbon, which made for incredible fights. And hate sex.

1. Lucy and Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy

Aaaahhhhhhh. Thank god I was not alive in the 50’s. If you think that the news of Brad and Jenn’s breakup was crushing, IMAGINE how absolutely devastating the In Touch cover with Lucy and Ricky torn apart must have been! “I DON’T Love Lucy!!!!” But, all the same, onscreen they were just the bees knees of couples (Fred and Ethel were pretty great too, I must admit), but something about her putting up with his bossy “do as I say” attitude, and his ridiculous accent and him putting up with her zany to the max slapstick antics makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I also like that they maintained separate beds.

Read Full Post »

The Wardrobe Department of a television series has an Important Job. After all, “clothes make the man.” In this case, they could very well make the character. The character’s outfits provide us with an immediate impression of the person behind the clothes. Sometimes, that is a very, very, bad, seriously, oh my God, so bad impression. Take Kate Harper from West Wing.

2wesbb03nancy

She’s a former spook who now works for the White House and she is dressed EXACTLY how you would imagine a military chick, constantly surrounded by men and with way more important things to worry about than what she should purchase at Barney’s next week at a sample sale. (Not that those things aren’t important, to each his or her own. But you get my point.)

Her costume person did a perfect job. Does that mean she looks good? Oh, Lord, no. This whole situation is just awful. It actually distracts me while I’m watching her WW reruns. “This situation in China sounds just terrible. MOTHER OF GOD, KATE. SHOULDER PADS?” is a constant refrain in my house.

With that, I give you television’s Top Five Worst Dressers, characters whose personal style is so mind-numbingly awful that it’s actually physically distracting to watch them on the TV lest your eyes burst into flames. Fun!

5. Miranda Hobbes from Sex & the City (Seasons 1 – 3)

ep33_miranda_blackpantsuit

Long before Sex & The City became this kind of massive fashion icon, thanks to Patricia Field’s zaniness and Sarah Jessica Parker’s penchant for drooling over Manolo Blahniks, Miranda Hobbes’ wardrobe kind of made me want to end my own life.

Sure, yes. She just screams New York lawyer. But, unless you’re ready to sue your dry cleaner, that is not a good thing.  Miranda is abrasive, funny and brilliant. She’s also the most awkward of the foursome, at least in the first few seasons. Not only was her string of suits bad (bad BAD. And hair. Hair bad.) but everything fit her oddly, like Patricia Field and SJP were sipping cocktails and laughing over pinning a ginormous flower to her lapel and then Pat would turn to Cynthia Nixon, slouched nervously off to the side of the dressing room, and go, “Oh. Erm. Here.” And toss her a turtleneck that actually succeeded in making her look stumpy, if that’s at all possible.

4. Donna Martin from Beverly Hills 90210

donna_2

Jesus. Yes. You’d better cry.

In the beginning, Donna Martin was actually kind of mousy in a Valley sort of way. Which is strange, considering how uber-rich she’s supposed to be. Put it this way- if the high school girls of the new 90210 ran into high school Donna, they would not hang out with her. They might even pull a few Amish/ deranged Blossom/Walk to Remember jokes. Oh, that’s right. They’re not me. I digress.

And then. And THEN. Lord. I imagine the conversation with the producers went like this.

“The flower bonnets aren’t working for us. They just don’t measure up to Kelly’s bicycle shorts and flower print dresses.”

“I hear you.” Executive producer taps finger-tips together. “How about we whore it up?”

“How exactly? She’s a virgin. How do we turn a virgin into a whore? Without, you know, her having sex?”

“Good question.” Executive taps a finger to goateed chin. “Do we have any belly shirts? With suspenders?”

Anyone who thinks of Donna Martin remembers the awkward dress ball gown she wore on Halloween, the floppy hats from the first season and then the horrible, God-awful ’90s nightmare of tight pants, short skirts, an endless collection of teeny baby T-‘s and plunging scoop necks that told us way too much information about her breast implants. And then she’d wear a button-up blouse with suspenders (see tears above) or a denim tuxedo and try to distract us with dying her hair in obnoxiously vibrant colors.

3. Denise Huxtable from The Cosby Show (Season 1 & 2)

Denise_cosby_Lisa_bonet

Oh, DENISE. A part of me thinks you might be some kind of avante-garde genius. The Rihanna hair, the shoulder pads, the COLORS. Do you know how many times I had to adjust the color settings on my TV when you’d saunter through the Huxtable living room? SO MANY TIMES. The jewelery, the Hammer pants. Some of those jumpers- I just- I didn’t- WHERE DID YOU FIND THEM? I could just stare at the construction for hours. Why isn’t your wardobe something studied on Project Runway? All I want is for Tim Gunn to enter the bathroom while you all are saying good-bye to Rudy’s fish, give you and your neon jumpsuit a once over and say, “Denise. I’m concerned.”

Seriously, someone look at this outfit and send me a diagram or something about how it was made. I have to know.

2. Kimmy Gibler from Full House

kimmy4Sometimes, I watch old episodes of Full House and think, “How did they get away with dressing this fourteen-year-old as an elderly prostitute?” And then I wonder if their sticking Andrea Barber in leggings and bicycle shorts pretty much for her entire childhood hindered her ability to have children as an adult. Or scarred her against wearing, well, anything ever again. Or anything with a pattern anyway. If I were her, I’d stick with solid colors for, oh, the rest of my natural life.

1. Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy

Poor Jerri Blank. Cursed not only with booze, pills, and being a total loser (her words, not mine), she also destined to be the homeliest person on Earth. Her lipstick-smudged teeth, her Mom haircut, her woeful expressions, her lumpy body and her late ’70s after-school special meets Grandma’s handbag wardrobe… It’s a good thing it all adds up to her being such a hysterically funny icon for forty-six-year-old high school freshmen everywhere.

jerri

Read Full Post »

by Beal

It’s easy for an actor to become the character they play on television. Can anyone make a valid argument about David Schwimmer and Ross Gellar not being one in the same? Or how about Frasier Crane? For the rest of his life Kelsey Grammar will always be (much to his own chagrin), Dr. Frasier Crane. That’s just who he is, and how we perceive him, but as much as we like him, we can’t accept him in another role. There are however, a select few members of the television elite who have managed to star in not one, but TWO prominent television roles. It’s unfortunate, a little, to think that so many great television stars never get a second chance to shine, but for the following five (ten by the time Judi chimes in) actors, NTO is glad they did. Without further adieu, here are the Top Five Stars So Nice They Cast Them Twice:

5. Kyle McLaughlin – Special Agent Dale Cooper (Twin Peaks) | Trey MacDougal (Sex and the City) | Orson Hodge (Desperate Housewives)

kyle_maclachlan_narrowweb__300x3930.jpgAlright, alright, so Kyle McLaughlin isn’t exactly television “elite,” but I like to give credit where credit is due. Somehow this guy has managed to star in two super hits (SATC, DH) and a total cult classic while somehow remaining somewhat nameless to the lay television viewer. His name is Kyle McLaughlin and he is a TV triple threat. Have you seen Twin Peaks? McLaughlin plays Special Agent Dale Cooper, the FBI guy sent to a podunk town in Washington to investigate the murder of the homecoming queen. He’s delightfully quirky, and really bizarre without being creepy. Actually, he’s sort of like his character Orson Hodge in Desperate Housewives, but without the whole attempted murder, left his own mother for dead, extorts his own wife, is a kleptomaniac thing. He plays both well, and they’re quite different characters, but what they have in common, is that no matter how nice or normal they might seem, you can just tell that there’s something off. What might that be? Well, maybe he’s an impotent mama’s boy with an affinity for Jugs magazine and Scottish flings. Oh wait, that’s his character Trey MacDougal, Charolotte York’s first husband on Sex and the City. “Alrighty.”

4.  Ron Howard – Opie Taylor (The Andy Griffith Show) | Richie Cunningham (Happy Days)

1-opieSeriously, how CUTE was little Ronnie Howard? The ginger offspring of Sheriff Andy Taylor was always getting into moral dilemmas and fortunately for him his father’s moral compass was pointed straight towards heaven. Pa doled out his simple, heartfelt country wisdom on the regular and we ate it up with a spoon. Hard to believe that that little boy who always struggled to do the right thing would turn out to play Richie Cunningham on Happy Days? Now, I’m not the hugest fan of Happy Days it’s a little too absurd for my taste (that’s right, TOO ABSURD), but there’s no denying that it is a television institution, not unlike The Andy Griffith Show, and so the fact that Howard starred in both, I think, is kind of remarkable. Not to mention his super successful directorial career or his narration of/affiliation with Arrested Development.

3. Betty White – Sue Ann Nivens (The Mary Tyler Moore Show) | Rose Nylund (The Golden Girls)

Betty WhiteBetty White is easily my favorite television actress of all time. She’s been on television literally, since its inception. My favorite, and her most well known roles? Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Rose Nylund on The Golden Girls. In an alternate universe, I would LOVE to see Sue Ann and Rose hang out with one another. Sue Ann and her “Happy Homemaker” with a dark side sits down for cheesecake with dimwitted Scandinavian, Rose Nylund. HILARITY ENSUES! Did you know that when they were casting The Mary Tyler Moore Show the character description for Sue Ann said, “A Betty White type?” At some point, one of the producers suggested, “Why don’t we just hire Betty White.” No one assumed she would take the role, but she did, and for that, we must bow down to the gods of television and sing the praises of the incomparable Betty White.

2. Mary Tyler Moore – Laura Petrie (The Dick Van Dyke Show) | Mary Richards (The Mary Tyler Moore Show)

mary_tyler_moore_longer_flip__circa_1970Who’s more lovable than Mary Tyler Moore? I submit that there is NO ONE! Which is probably why she was cast in two of television’s biggest hits. As a child my first introduction to Mary was as Laura Petrie on The Dick Van Dyke show which aired on Nick@Nite (of which the early 90’s version was far superior to today). Concurrently, N@N also aired The Mary Tyler Moore Show, another personal favorite. I remember finally noticing one day, “Heey, Rob’s wife is totally Mary Richards!” Without any concept of when these shows had actually been new, only that they were old, I, for a short time decided that Mary Tyler Moore was the greatest TV actress of all time, starring in two shows SIMULTANEOUSLY, for a number of years. However, I then deduced that The Dick Van Dyke Show was far more olden timey (four years) because it was in black and white, and yet again, felt a jolt of love for Mary, who had conquered both black and white and COLOR television formats. Seriously though, she can turn the world on with her smile.

1.  Larry Hagman – Major Nelson (I Dream of Jeannie) | J.R. Ewing (Dallas)

larry_hagmanImagine how bewildered I was when I finally put two and two together and realized that my beloved J.R. Ewing was actually Major Nelson. I thought I was better than that, but alas, I enjoyed these two programs at entirely different stages of my life, as did most of America. Hagman hit it big as Major Nelson, the zany astronaut owner of a mildly retarded genie in I Dream of Jeanie, which aired from 196550-Larry-Hagman to 1970. In 1978 Hagman returned to the small screen as the nefarious J.R. Ewing, the baddest, most powerful, richest man in Dallas. The two characters could not possibly be more diametrically different, which is why Hagman found himself at Number 1 today! Nelson is a clownish sitcom character who engages in madcap hi-jinx with a fantastical sex symbol who wears pink tulle on the reg. J.R. is a depraved oil man with an insatiable appetite for women, money and bourbon who will stop at nothing to remain in power. Plus his eyebrows are awesome.

Read Full Post »

We love babies in this country. Don’t believe me? Just ask Utah. Or, better yet, US Weekly. US Weekly is so in tune with our lust for babies and pregnant women and people with babies and women with babies who lost all the baby weight and baby fashion lines and baby FEUDS (it’s coming, trust me. That Maddox looks like trouble) that little Suri Cruise is practically a cover staple. And though we weren’t always so obsessed with celebrities’ real life spawn (think about it- ten years ago, would the name of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s toddler daughter come rolling so easily off your tongue?), we have ALWAYS had a soft spot for that Very Special Episode- “So and So Gives Birth.”

With that, I give you my Top Five TV Births. Let the contractions begin! And the epidural! Where’s my champagne? Where’s my salami?!*

WARNING: Searching for baby-related TV clips on YouTube is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Proceed with caution if you don’t want to see a lot of homemade delivery videos (and I am not talking pizza. Mother of GOD)

5. Full House– Rebecca Gives Birth to Twins and the Most Ridiculous Living Situation/Solution Ever

Remember when Aunt Becky was pregnant with twins? And everyone (including me, shut up) was really, really excited? And then they went and were born on Michelle’s birthday (Michelle’s not special anymore. Awesome) And then, instead of MOVING OUT like normal human beings, they move back into the attic of their brother-in-law’s house and force the twins to live in a closet? Good times…

John Stamos, how much longer do you think you can get by on being COMPLETELY adorable?

4. Sex & The City- Miranda Gives Birth to “Oh, right. I have a baby.”

I love the Miranda-Mommy episodes. I can’t think of another show that’s tackled the whole notion of “I hate kids but I guess I’ll love my kid” issue before Miranda gave birth to Brady, her son with quasi-retarded bartender Steve. She’s just so bemused by the whole thing. She thinks baby showers are stupid, she hates being pregnant, she has NO CLUE what she’s supposed to do with a baby. Right up until the delivery, Miranda’s got rules about how it’s going to go down- she doesn’t want the nurses to be all cheery, she wants Steve to suck it up with all the man-crying and she wants it over and done.

Add her water breaking on Carrie’s heels and we’ve got ourselves some TV.

3. Friends– Phoebe Gives Birth to Her Brother’s Triplets

Now, there are some missteps in the Phoebe gives birth to triplets episode (mainly the whole thing with the doctor who’s obsessed with Fonzie although I do like that “dilated-amundo” joke) but I love it. I can’t help it. It’s all so good. Chandler and Monica are hooking up in the closet in secret. Joey and Ross are pushing out a kidney stone (changing forever how I say “KIDNEY STONE” ie with an Indian accent) in a lovely dual-montage with Phoebe’s birth (“Ow. Ow, ow, ow. OW.”) Phoebe tells Rachel that she wants to keep one of the babies (Rachel: “Oh, I’m going to be on the news.”) The fantastic Giovanni Ribisi running out and announcing the birth of his kids, dazedly walking back in as he realizes he now has THREE babies. Him making out with Kitty from That 70’s Show, another actress I would like to be in just about everything.

Sadly lacking in Friends clips on the old YouTube.

2. The Cosby Show– Sandra Gives Birth to (Surprise!) Twins

I will admit to loving it when the Huxtables go all soft and mushy on their kids. It’s rare but it happens. I ALSO love any time we get a “My BA-by!” out of Claire, preferably when she’s throwing her arms up in the air. It’s almost as good as when she gets really, really angry. Almost.

So Sondra finally gives birth, the big surprise being that it’s twins! (Unfortunately naming them “Winnie” and “Nelson”, the today equivalent of naming your twins Barack and Obama which I’m SURE has been done somewhere in America already) Obviously, the nicest part of the episode is her moment with Cliff and, apparently, the little speech she gives him about what a wonderful father he’s been was ad-libbed on Sabrina La Beauf’s part. So unbelievably sweet.

1. I Love Lucy– A Tiny Bongo is Born

Well, now. I have to end this on the biggest television birth in history. I’m a professional, after all. The episode “Lucy Goes to the Hospital” coincided with Lucille Ball’s C-section of her second child, Desi Arnaz Jr, culminating in the most watched television episode of the day.

And it’s so, so good. Ricky in his show makeup, in the waiting room and, one of my favorite scenes of all time, the “Ricky, it’s time” fiasco. It’s pure screwball, with Fred tripping over the phone, the suitcase spilling open, everyone stepping on each other and Ricky completely losing his cool. All culminating in them running out the door, leaving Lucy to wail, “Hey! Wait for me!”

*Classic line from E! one-season wonder Love is in the Heir. Anyone? Hello?

Read Full Post »