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Archive for the ‘The OC’ Category

That’s right- “Christmas.” Not “season”, not “holiday.” “CHRISTMAS.” We’re such bad-asses.

5. The OC– “The Best Chrismukkah Ever” (2003)

I was completely, wholeheartedly into the first season of The OC (did that show last more than a year? No? Didn’t think so). I’m pretty sure that, had you asked me to in 2003, I wouldn’t have hesitated to take someone down for a chance to just be NEAR Seth Cohen (Adam Brody, who has since disappeared. An apology for that Meg Ryan movie nobody saw?). And the whole notion of “Chrismukkah”, a result of the Cohen family being half-Jewish, is Seth at his greatest. From the Santa-yarmulkes (not sacriligious at all) to his demand for “8 days of presents, followed by one day of MANY presents” and that the whole family, now including his adopted-troublemaker brother Ryan, all be together to celebrate, it’s all so adorable that you just want to vomit dradles and jingle bells all over the place.

And, to top it all off, a tension-filled holiday party, squishy family moments and a lot of awkward swaying to Stevie Wonder. It really is the “Best Chrismukkah Party Ever.” Or it would be if Kristen was completely smashed on vodka.

4. Bones– “Santa in the Slush” (2007)

Ah, the good old days when Bones FOLLOWED THROUGH ON ITS PROMISES.

We were, you might remember, led to believe that Bones and Booth would kiss in the ’07 holiday episode and we got our wish. A Christmas miracle, indeed. And, yes, ok, it was because Bones owed Carolyn a favor for swinging a little visitation party with her dad who was in prison for murder and, because Carolyn was feeling impish, she decided Bones could repay her by laying a kiss on her FBI partner. Whatever, we’ll take it. The whole exchange is just sweet and awkward and weird enough to be believable and the chemistry between Deschanel and Boreanaz (they should open a perfume store or something) good enough to make it a truly squeal-worthy moment. Plus, the rest of the episode is AWESOME. They find a dead santa whose real name is actually Kris Kringle, he lives above a toy store, he was the best store santa in history and both scenes where the duo question a department store locker room FILLED with crappy Santas (And Carl Winslow too!) are hilarious. Add Bones’ extremely cool ex-con dad (played by Ryan O’Neil before he accidentally hit on his own daughter) and an appearance from her brother Russ “Mumford” Brennan and even little moppet-headed Parker and, it really is, the most wonderful time of the year. (Yes, I plan on ending EVERY entry with that.)

3. The Simpsons– “Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire” (1989)

Even reading the description of this “Christmas Special” made my cold little heart bloom with joy. Remember how GOOD The Simpsons used to be?  Bart asks for a tattoo and starts to get “Mother” on his arm but gets caught by Marge and is left with “Moth.” They then have to spend their Christmas money getting it lasered off (he should’ve kept it. I mean, if little Pete could keep Petunia…), Homer doesn’t get his bonus, Barney is a drunk santa at the mall, they go to the track and blow $13 on a little dog named Santa’s Little Helper (who comes in dead last) but the pup follows them home. Yay, puppies and Christmas!

Where would The Simpsons be without Santa’s Little Helper? And where would be without old episodes of The Simpsons? I shudder to think…

2. The Office– “Christmas Party” (2005)

Michael Scott with the Dreaded Oven Mitt

Season 2’s Christmas episode at good old Dundler Mifflin was highlighted by the office’s Secret Santa exchange. Michael picks Ryan the Temp, for whom he has a serious man-crush on, and completely overshoots the dollar limit to buy him an iPod but then gets insulted by HIS gift, a homemade oven mitt from poor Phyllis who has the best sad-sack face in the universe, and quickly decides to turn the Secret Santa into a Yankee Swap instead. Just so he can get a not-so-crappy gift. This is all fine, except for Jim who is panicking. In one of the sweetest examples of Jim’s still-unspoken love for receptionist Pam, he picked her name out of the hat and got her an adorable tea pot filled with adorable notes just for her. The party just goes downhill from there so Michael, in a desperate attempt to pick things up, renegs on the office’s no-alcohol policy and gets everyone wasted. Which means drunk Meredith. Which means happy Judi.

Michael Scott: [checking out at a liquor store] Hey, you’re the expert; Is this enough to get twenty people plastered?
Clerk: [Seriously considers] Fifteen bottles of vodka?… Yeah, that should do it.

1. West Wing– “Noel” (2000)

Beal has her “episode that will make you cry uncontrollably” and this one is mine. It’s Christmas at the White House and months after the shooting in Rosalyn. Yo Yo Ma is set to play for the President and all seems jolly and bright. Except Josh is a mess and he doesn’t know why. He cut his hand and doesn’t remember how, he breaks out into a sweat during the concert and he’s biting people’s heads off left and right. A visit with a White House appointed shrink, played memorably by Chicago Hope‘s Adam Arkin, and a few really brutal scenes later, Josh is shaken to discover that he’s suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and while everyone is enjoying the holidays, he’s been reliving that time he almost died and, now, has to face the fact that he’s suffering from its aftermath and could very well lose his job (thanks a lot WHITE SUPREMACISTS. God). Until he gets a pep talk from Leo. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch a bunch of old clips of John Spencer and cry softly into my lunch.

BONUS: This didn’t make the list but did you know there’s a Beverly Hills 90210 Christmas episode called “It’s a Totally Happening Life”? Best. Title. Ever. I almost choked on my salad when I read it (and when I say “salad”, I mean “chocolate croissant.” Don’t judge me.)


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by Beal

5. The O.C. – Kirsten’s car accident – “The Showdown” (2005)

No matter how hard this show tried (and it did, and I appreciated it) it could never compare to Beverly Hills, 90210, but oh how it tried. I was highly fascinated by Kirsten Cohen’s budding alcoholism, seemed a perfect story line for a program about rich teenagers because you can’t have wealthy mansion dwelling brats without alcoholic mothers! Unfortunately for the viewers, Kirsten never mortified her son by single handedly RUINING a mother daughter fashion show on account of her addictions. What she did do, was have a psuedo-affair with an attractive co-worker (consultant?). When the two “broke up” Kirsten’s drinking really got out of hand. For Christ’s sake! She had a bloody mary one morning, and then passed out on the couch with an empty glass later that night. After a confrontation with her husband, ol’ Eyebrows Cohen, Kirsten goes to the bar, gets a snoot full and realizes that she needs to reconcile with Sandy. She pays her tab, leaves the necklace her (what’s the male term for mistress?) gave her and departs. In the car, this drunken moron pulls out her cell phone and calls Sandy to tell him she loves him and she wants to work things out, what do we think is going to happen next? Hmm I wonder if she’s going to get nailed by that oncoming car? Nope. Safe and sound, just a close call. OH SHIT! Here comes a semi. . .

 

4. Desperate Housewives – Lynette Gets Shot in the Supermarket  “Bang” (2006)

It’s no secret that the only reason this even made my list is because it features Laurie Metcalf (Aunt Jackie) as a maniac wife who finds out from Bree Van de Kamp that her no good husband has been cheating on her with some tramp named Monique. This otherwise pleasant suburbanite charges into the local supermarket, where her dirtbag husband is manager, wielding a gun and takes hostages. Meanwhile, her husband is locked in his office with Edie (this does not bode well for anyone). Her hostages include Lynette Scavo, Lynette’s husband’s baby mama, Julie Mayer and her boyfriend Austin (Edie’s nephew) and that guy that played Fisher in Roseanne and turned out to be a pedophile on DH. Anyway, my point is, everyone from Wisteria Lane who WASN’T in the supermarket, had a close relationship to someone who was. Well, as luck would have it, shit escalates quickly and shots are fired. Carolyn Bigsby is eliminated, as is that crazy mother (I think she was on SBTB: The College Years) of Tom Scavo’s first child, Lynette though, is also shot. Will she survive another day? Oh joy, she will.

 

3. Brothers & Sisters – Robert has a heart attack “Troubled Waters (Pt. 1)” (2009)

FINE! I cry EVERY time I watch this show, but this part, wow, right for the heartstrings. When Robert and Kitty’s birth mother goes into labor, Kitty insists that Robert cancel his afternoon agenda and come to the hospital. Instead, Senator Robert goes ahead with his rooftop press conference, announcing his upcoming bid for governor of California. At the hospital, a saddened and defeated Kitty throws Robert under the bus, realizing that he has once again chosen work over family. No sooner does she make the “fuck him” face does Robert abruptly, but tactfully, end his press conference and head towards the hospital, but in the parking lot, he suffers the most realistic television heart attack I have ever witnessed. Oh god, and he’s just so proud, he doesn’t want anyone to help him, he even hesitates to collapse, because he is so strong willed. Oof, and then they roll him over to reveal his limp, sweat covered body at the same moment his son is born. Oh, did I mention that this came in a montage format? Featuring Coldplay? 

 

2. Dirt – Lucy Spiller is brutally stabbed in “Ita Missa Est” (2007)

This amazingly trashy FX original show starring Courtney Cox as the editor of a filthy Hollywood tabloid only lasted two seasons, which is a super shame because it was really entertaining, and reeeally dirty and I reeeally loved it. A sort of “ripped from the headlines” premise, the show was unforgiving of celebrity behavior–as long as it sold magazines. Throughout season one, Lucy Spiller (Cox) has been stalked, but in the final episode it is revealed that it was only her bitter brother (who she outed in her magazine) teaching her a lesson. But now that her guard is down, it’s the perfect time for the jilted ex-lover of Lucy’s new squeeze and Hollywood action superstar Holt McClaren, Julia (who has just been informed of all of Lucy’s “wrongdoings” by Lucy’s nemesis Tina Herrod (JENNIFER ANISTON)) to take her revenge. Essentially Dirt magazine has ruined Julia’s life and career (obviously her heroin addictions and sex tape–that she leaked herself–had nothing to do with her demise) and in the final moments of the season, she surprises Lucy in her home and STABS her! Somehow in the scuffle Julia is also stabbed. The most amazing part? Lucy calls her photographer crazy Don and commands him to come to her home and take photos (EXCLUSIVE of dead celebrity and half slain magazine editor) before calling 911. Julia dies (good I was sick of her damn story line) and Lucy survives, and sells a shitload of copies of that issue.

 

1. Beverly Hills, 90210 – Kelly Taylor gets shot “Aloha, Beverly Hills (Pt. 2)” (1997)

I could have made my entire list out of the predicaments faced on BH, 90210, and probably on Kelly Taylor alone, which is why I saved this gem for my number one favorite life threatening predicament of all time. When Donna is sent to Hawaii with her boss for a photo shoot, the gang (sans Kelly) tags along for a much needed vacation. When Brandon runs into old flame Tracy (that clingy bitch we all hated) Donna calls Kelly to let her know the two were frolicking in the ocean. Kelly hops on the next plane, and feels like a real jackass when she gets there, because Tracy is happily engaged. Good, now she and Brandon can enjoy their tropical vacation. Soon the gang arrives back in L.A. where Brandon discovers his car has a flat tire in the LAX parking lot and chooses to fix it, rather than accept a ride from someone else. When he sees a couple of thugs stealing a car (btw There wasn’t a second car. Did they WALK to the parking lot? From where?) he slightly taunts them and fails to avert his eyes and mind his business, which is something any defenseless, 5’5″ white kid with a meak girlfriend in tow should obviously do. Oh then, wouldn’t you know, said thugs roll back around closer to Brandon and Kelly and OPEN FIRE! They actually SHOOT AT THEM! In the LAX parking lot, they are shooting at random strangers! Ooohh, and would stupid “do the right thing” Brandon take a bullet? Noooo, that is reserved for “been through the ringer six dozen times” Kelly. Amazing. I will say, that this event didn’t make the number one spot so much because of the shooting (and the requisite pre-tragedy “I love you.”), but because after some complications in the hospital, Kelly wakes up with AMNESIA! And no one loves an amnesia plot point more than? More than? Uh, watch this. . .

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