Archive for the ‘Weeds’ Category

by Beal

5.  ER – Chloe gives birth to Baby Susie in “Motherhood” (May 11, 1995)

A lesser TV authority would never have included this on their list. A main character’s sister gives birth and it makes a Top Five list? Who does that? Well, I do, and here’s why. First of all, we’re talking ER season 1, when this show was the greatest program I had ever watched, and not just Law & Order‘s fiercest competition for longest running show and most frequent cast changer. I was OBSESSED with the Chloe/Susan plot line. Check it, Susan is an ER doctor, her sister Chloe, is a junkie. When she turns up pregnant, Susan takes her in but despite her best efforts, Chloe just can’t stay clean. Obviously she gives birth in Susan’s emergency room, in a memorable scene in which she yells for The Beatles “Blackbird” to play as her daughter is being born. Following the birth of Baby Susie, Chloe and Susan’s mother, COOKIE, arrives at the hospital since the plan all along was for Cookie to raise the baby. At the last minute though, bitchy/flaky Cookie (seriously, you can’t trust anyone called Cookie) decides she’s taken care of Chloe long enough and by default, Susan is now the mother of the possible crack baby that was named after her. Important to note: Quentin Tarantino directed this episode.

4. Roseanne – Jackie has Andy out of wedlock in “Labor Day” (March 8, 1994)

Coming in at number four, Roseanne manages to eliminate the sappy emotional swill of the Very Special Birth Episode in exchange for madcap hilarity, sitcom style. I believe Jackie’s surprise pregnancy was written into the show, on account of actress Laurie Metcalf’s real life pregnancy, which explains how her terrifying pregnant belly in the hilarious bathroom scene with Roseanne looks so damn real (and terrifying). Expecting for Jackie to remain in labor for several hours, Roseanne and Jackie hesitate to call Fred, who barely makes it to the hospital in time to see the birth of his child. Remember though, it is a sitcom, and he is required to be in the room, in order to faint at the first sign of anything grotesque. In the final moments, they forgo the usual eight month old baby covered in goo scheme and use the camera instead, giving the audience the newborn’s P.O.V. Just watch:

3. Weeds – Nancy forces doctor to remove baby ASAP in “Where the Sidewalk Ends” (July 20, 2009)

Things start to get a little creepy when Nancy discovers a “birthing room” in her Mexican drug kingpin boyfriend’s house. She’s pregnant, and because she narked out Esteban’s trafficking operation, it’s the only reason she’s still alive. When she realizes that this powerful man is going to force her to have this baby at home OFF THE GRID, and then probably murder her, it’s time to take action. She needs a birth certificate, and witnesses. It’s a matter of life and death. Fortunately, ol’ Andy Botwin is there to save the day (in the General Lee) and rushes Nancy to none other than Dr. Alanis Morissette, who induces labor immediately, after hearing the story of the whackjob drug kingpin baby daddy. When Esteban arrives at the hospital he insists that Nancy leave immediately, it’s too late though, and the nurse presents his son, Stevie Ray Botwin.

2. Murphy Brown – Single working mom, Murphy has a baby boy in “Birth 101” (May 18, 1992)

Much to Vice President Dan Quayle’s chagrin, a fictional unmarried career woman gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on May 18, 1992. In an episode that was both heartwarming and hilarious, the entire news team works together to get this baby born. From Jim’s awkward attempts to take Murphy’s mind off the pain and his total discomfort with the mere thought of her lady parts, to Frank’s idiotic antics and attempts to empathize, Miles inability to focus on anyone but himself (granted, he was shot at while trying to locate Eldin) to Corky’s rush to the pharmacy to refill her prescription to birth control pills, this episode is comedy gold, and a major watercooler moment in television history. Eldin shows up at the last minute (after a jaunt to Maryland for some crabcakes) and the baby is born. The news team comes in for a final congratulations, with Phil in tow (let’s just say this, if I ever have a baby, I hope my favorite bartender is among the first visitors, too) before Murphy holds her son for the first time. “Hi. I see you got a little hat,” she says, before Frank re-enters to tape their first moment together and Murphy begins to sing Carole King’s “Natural Woman” and I start crying.

1.  Dallas – Drunk Sue Ellen gives birth to John Ross Ewing III in “John Ewing III Pt.” (April 6, 1979)

It’s a wonder little John Ross isn’t retarded. For the entirety of Sue Ellen’s pregnancy she not only drank, but drank to total blackout most, if not all evenings. She was reeling from the breakup of her most recent affair with Cliff Barnes (the Ewing’s arch-nemisis) and wasn’t even sure if the baby was Cliff’s or her husband J.R.’s (we find out later it is, in fact, J.R.’s). Weeks before the baby was born, J.R. checks Sue Ellen into a sanitarium (rehab would be used today, but hey, it was the 70’s) where she bribes an orderly for booze. Once she’s good and liquored up, she escapes lockdown, steals a car and smashes it right into a telephone pole. She is rushed to the hospital and gives birth to a baby whose life is clearly in danger. Sue Ellen isn’t doing so hot herself, either. Eventually the baby is deemed in good health, but then is kidnapped, before he makes it home to Southfork. Sue Ellen continues drinking and neglects her child until midway through the following season.

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WEEDS (season 4)

by Beal

Show: Weeds

Character: Celia Hodes

Actor: Elizabeth Perkins

Basically: At the surface, Celia Hodes is your stereotypical can’t-mind-her-own-business-wants-to-control-yours bitch neighbor who seeks power (in the PTA and the City Council) not so much because she wants to get her way, but because she wants others NOT to get their way. However, despite her schadenfreudian ways, she usually ends up with the shit end of the stick, because she’s a horrible bitch who meddles in the lives of others in ways normal people would never imagine. Although her victims range from her daughters (she shipped eldest Quinn off to a Mexican boarding school after she used the nanny cam to capture her father’s sick affair and switched Isabelle’s chocolate stash with laxatives, forcing her to shit her pants at school) to her husband, whom she hates (I sort of do too) to Doug Wilson, whom she also hates, apart from their seedy motel affair. Still, the person whose life she fucks with the most, you guessed it, her arch-nemesis, Nancy Botwin. 


Some Love for Celia: I’ve always been a fan of Elizabeth Perkins (Please see: Big, Indian Summer and About Last Night. Please DON’T see: Must Love Dogs). She plays cynical and slightly bitchy with a soft side very well, in Weeds though, she was able to take it to a whole new level. She battles an unfaithful husband and cancer in the first season, which starts the viewer on the path of feeling absolutely sorry for her. But then, because she’s an absolute she-devil, everyone is immediately able to overlook her constant tragic misfortune and begin to love to hate her. 

Celia: Everyone likes Nancy. Everyone hates Celia. You need a new narrative.

Doug: We like the old narrative. It felt right.

Still, for all the shit Celia stirs up, karma sends it right back, tenfold. She’s been an alcoholic, a drug addict, she was held for ransom by some Mexican revolutionaries (no one would pay), she went to prison when Nancy’s grow house was busted because EVERYONE pointed the finger at her, she fell in love with a guy, Nancy slept with him, she left her husband to be with Doug Wilson but Doug refused to leave his wife, she’s broke and now she lives in Nancy’s garage (where she found a dead body) and works at the TV land version of Foot Locker. 

Favorite Moment:

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by Beal

Back in 1981 Luke and Laura set the bar pretty high for television weddings, drawing nearly 30 million viewers–the most ever for a daytime drama. That said, be aware that the following nuptials do not begin to compare–in total viewers, quality or emotional impact. I now pronounce these, my favorite television weddings of all time:

5. Ross & Rachel on Friends 1999

Sure, maybe Monica and Chandler’s wedding was more “romantic” or “planned,” and Ross and Emily’s wedding was a bigger television event, but Ross and Rachel’s drunken mid-blackout accidental wedding, is one of the few moments on Friends that was funny even after “The Rachel” had grown out. Sure I’m a sucker for any drunken debauchery from characters that are normally as sober as practicing Mormons, but this scene is both a classic and a cautionary tale, and what more could we ask from a couple of talent-free millionaires?


4. Nancy Botwin & Peter Scottson on Weeds 2006

weeds11Hmm, I’m not sure I’m proud that at least two of my favorite five weddings went down in Vegas, but this quickie wedding tends to be a rather frequently used plot device in TV land. At any rate, we all know that the widow Botwin slings dope out of her suburban tract house, what we don’t learn until the end of Season 1, is that the guy she met at her son’s karate tournement and slept with a couple episodes later, is a DEA agent. She’s small potatoes when they first hook up, but when she decides to expand her business, only a marriage could keep the two together. Yes, this is a ridiculous plot point, but it is the ONLY logical way that either of these people can carry on with their lives!!! Obviously if they’re married, neither can be forced to testify against the other. Let me just sum this up, Pot Dealer marries Drug Enforcement Agent, obviously this ends in total disaster, that I applaud, leaving Nancy Botwin, twice widowed, and soon, under investigation.


3. Sue Ellen Mishky & Pinter on Seinfeld 1997

Fine, so I don’t know who in the hell Pinter is or where he came from, but I do know that Elaine slept with him, and that he is marrying her arch-nemisis Sue Ellen Mishky who we all remember as the bitch that wore a bra for a shirt, causing Kramer to wreck George’s car yada, yada, yada Jerry, George and Elaine attend their wedding in India, in the infamous, “backwards episode.” Mostly I love (I know, “pattern”) when Jerry uses Shnapps to gain access to Elaine’s “vault” where he finds out that she previously hooked up with Pinter when he went by Peter and how George spray painted his Timberlands black and pretended they were dress shoes, so his date wouldn’t know that he was shorter than when they met, and he was wearing Timberlands. Instead, he just looked like the asshole that spray painted his boots and pretended they were dress shoes. Let’s also not forget the the only reason the gang went to India (TO INDIA!) was to spite Sue Ellen Mishky, whom Elaine KNEW only invited her assuming she would not attend, but send a gift, the “unvitation” if you will. “Goodnight Jugdish!”


2. Dorothy & Lucas on The Golden Girls 1992

If you were in the market for a sappy wedding, this one’s for you! I’m not sure if I teared up because it was such a beautiful wedding, with a young, blushing bride, wait, why am I crying at some old hag’s wedding? Oh that’s right! Dorothy’s nuptials mean that she’s moving out of Blanche’s house and we’ll never again see this foursome in comedic action (until Golden Palace attempts to recreate the magic). Dorothy looks devastatingly odd (what fucking 60 year old wears a white, lace dress and a veil?) on her wedding day, and she marries Leslie Nielson, ya know, Blanche’s uncle, who originally went out with Dorothy because slutbag Blanche was too busy entertaining a man to take her relative out to dinner. The two “pretend” to get engaged to, to, uhh, to teach Blanche a lesson? And then decide that they actually love each other and decide to get married after all. Ol’ Stan Zbornak commandeers the limo that was taking Dorothy to the church, and the two have a final, touching moment before she weds an obviously more quality individual. Cut to me bawling. . .


1. Uncle Jesse & Becky on Full House 1991

Talk about an event wedding! Oof! I’m excited just thinking about the madcap adventure that ensued prior to Jesse’s arrival at the alter. A quick recap — the night before Jesse’s wedding day, he tells himself that it’s his last chance to, I guess, be some kind of wild man (ya know, living in his brother-in-law’s house, rent free, raising young children, playing rock n roll, combing his hair a lot) so he decides that as a final act of youth and rebellion, he’ll jump out of an airplane . . . wait for it. . . in his wedding tux. Well, obviously he gets stuck in a tree, that he is forced to drop himself out of INTO A TOMATO TRUCK! Who in the hell wrote this? What is a tomato truck? Who just packs tomatoes in the back of a pick-up? Regardless, Jesse’s now out of the tree and on his way to his own wedding when he lands himself in jail for trespassing and grand theft auto. Rebecca Donaldson comes to his rescue, bails him out (in her wedding dress) and the two appropriate a bus (was it full of nuns? I’m not sure.) and finally make it to their own wedding, where we all get the pleasure of enjoying the vocal stylings of Mr. John Stamos. . .


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by Beal

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I get so invested in a television program that the only place it can take me is to disappointment town, which the fifth season premiere of Weeds did in droves. What happened to the simple premise of suburban-widow-slings-pot?Nancy_Botwin-Weeds_3x15

Ohhh right, she got involved with L.A. gangs, arson, human trafficking, the DEA and the Mexican mafia. Seriously Jenji Kohan? Haven’t you “pushed the envelope” far enough? 

Last season ended with Nancy Botwin (my best friend and yours, Mary Louise Parker) revealing to the Tijuana mayor/Mexican crime boss/father of her unborn child, that she was pregnant, which put a crimp in his PLAN TO KILL HER. Hmm, I wonder if the star of the show is going to be murdered? Or if somehow her life will be spared.

Enough is enough. I get it, the Botwin family is alternative, and things don’t affect them the same way as things affect other people because they lost a husband/father, and their mom is a drug dealer and a part-time arsonist (and technically a murderer). But now you’re forcing me to believe that this family is having a casual conversation (“So when’s the abortion?”) about this ridiculous situation in their kitchen over diet sodas? Before the boys wrestle on the floor? Oh right, then the older one packs up his marijuana plants in camping backpacks so he can hike through San Diego county searching for the perfect outdoor growing space, while the younger son (who reached puberty in the off-season) is shipped off to Oakland to live with Nancy’s sister–which is just as well, all adolescents should be shipped off during that phase, I don’t like to feel as awkward as they look, and I hate missing important plot points while I wash my hands in the kitchen.

WEEDS (season 4)

Also, we’ve got Celia (Elizabeth Perkins, love her!) being held for ransom somewhere in rural Mexico by her piece of shit oldest daughter Quinn, whom we haven’t seen since the pilot? 

These absurdities better go somewhere, and fast, because I can’t handle a shark-jumping fiasco right now. I JUST CAN’T!

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by Beal

I’m with Judi. May brings both joy, as seasonal affective disorder has finally run it’s course, yet, sadness, because my favorite programs go on MONTHS LONG hiatus (hiatuses?). However, then I remember that some of my all time favorite shows began as summer trials (Do Beverly Hills, 90210 or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia ring any bells?) That, and I saved the season finale of 30 Rock in case things get ugly. That said, I am actually looking quite forward to this summer’s new programming schedule for the following reasons:


1) Weeds Season 5 premiers on Showtime on Monday, June 8 at 10 p.m. This is my show, I mean, I have A LOT of shows, but this truly is my current favorite, and the fact that it airs during an otherwise bleak programming season doesn’t hurt either. Seriously, treat yourself to the recession-era luxury that is Showtime for a couple months. You will not be disappointed. And for anyone who’s unconvinced, I think their late night programming rivals that of Cinemax.


2) Intervention returns with all new episodes to A&E on Monday, May 25 at 9 p.m. I’ve got to hand it to them, they continuously find really effed up people to feature in this show, so much so that last season only ended about a month ago.  And I’m not just saying this, but after viewing this program, I will never even consider huffing computer duster or selling my grandmother’s TV for heroin money. Also, check out Obsessed which premiers right after Intervention, and seems like it follows a similar format, but instead of drug and alcohol problems, they attempt to counsel (cough: exploit) people with mental disorders.


3) Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood new season airs Tuesday, May 26 at 10 p.m. on Oxygen. I don’t even hate to admit, in fact I’m borderline proud to admit, that I really enjoy this show. The Spellings (and by Spellings I do not include Candy and Randy) are likable people. Yes, they are probably ruining their children’s chances at normalcy, but read sTORI Telling and then tell me if you’d know any better. I do however hate them for thinking that they can dress up like the Ricardo’s. Just stop, you’re fun and funny and all, and I love that you’re BFF with Jennie Garth in real life, but you are, and never will be ACTUAL television royalty. (Oh and please pass that message on to Debra Messing as well, thanks.)

4) Michael and Michael Have Issues begins Wednesday, July 15 on Comedy Central. I haven’t heard much about this show, nor am I really aware of what the premise is. What I do know is that it stars Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black, and not the other, less funny guy from Stella, so I’m excited. Plus Paul Rudd is likely to guest star. “You taste like a burger. I don’t like you anymore.”


5) So I don’t LOVE reality television, yes it has it’s moments, but mostly it’s existence infuriates me, usually because it forces me to watch television through the tiny space between my fingers, as it requires me to cover my face and ears out of shear embarrassment for all parties involved. Somehow though, Kendra Wilkinson doesn’t elicit that emotion. Perhaps it’s because she really legitimately is, the stupidest person I’ve ever seen, and thus I feel like, “What better place is there for her to exist than both in the Playboy Mansion and on Sunday nights at 10 on E!”


6) So the advertisements for this Lifetime Original movie Maneater (brought to you by Vasoline, sick) are slightly misleading. I’m not sure if it was my blood alcohol content or if I just wasn’t paying proper attention, but until just looking this up online, I was under the impression that it was a mini-series, not a one shot MFTVM. Why then, would I put it on my list of things to look forward to this summer? Because EVERY SECOND that Lifetime isn’t airing Army Wives is something I look forward to.

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by Beal & Judi




season passing immediately
Beal: right?!!
that literally happened
i had a conversation about DYING to watch that show
and nothing i could do about it
and then, Lifetime coughed it up
Judi: it’s incredible
what else should we ask for?
i could go for some “Head of the Class”
Judi: ask for “Head of the Class” for me
maybe on…. We.
Beal: okay
i’ll work on it
i like, for real can’t believe it
cybill!?!? where did that come from?
i watched it last night
JUDI, it’s fucking hilarious
they mock the shit out of LA and the people in “the industry” and their families
Judi: omg i’m so excited. i just season passed it and it’s set to tape like a hundred episodes next week
by this time next week i’ll be like “fucking cybill”

Beal: i have my dvr saving only 3 episodes
Judi: and that’s really funny that you say that about alicia witt because it’s EXACTLY how i remember her too

Beal: we might be the only people that do that
Judi: “oh look, cybill’s daughter is in Mr. Holland’s Opus. Nice for her.”

Beal: and actually, i think you and i had a discussion about it before
Judi: did we?
Beal: i was like, “the daughter from cybil l was in it” and you were like, “oh.” didn’t bat an eye, knew exactly what i meant. i committed that to memory
Judi: hmmm
i’m not really surprised
a little saddened but not surprised
Beal: i think it was
i watched a movie in which she was raped
and it was a terrible movie anyway, and then like, what you raped cybill’s daughter, stop
Judi: i remember watching Two Weeks Notice and being like “wow, Cybill’s daughter has really turned into a bitch”
ugh that movie is so bad.
Beal: oh yeeeaa
can we talk about real housewives ending
Simon’s final outfit
Picture 11
i feel bad too because Alex actually looked halfway decent
Beal: like, actually the most offensive part to me
was the like, scoop neck t shirt underneath
Judi: i’d have been pissed
i did love
that the final scene
he and ramona are obviously shithoused dancing like that
Picture 9

i loved that they almost forgot to give kelly her “award”
Judi: kelly might be the stupidest human being on television ever
and i’ve seen audrina on the hills


Beal: i would vote for her
Judi: they must be related
Beal: yea, “nooo judie
[frowny 3rd grader face]
eeewww sttooooop.
i don’t know how the fuck she got a degree from columbia

Judi: i’m confused as to why she dressed like a whore on her birthday invite
kelly invite

and then went dressed like she was going to pick up Bridget Fonda and the rest of the cast from Singles

wtf Kelly?

wtf Kelly?


Beal: i’m confused why she threw a party in her house and didn’t know anyone there
i LOVE singles
Judi: because she sucks?
singles is great
Beal: top 10 maybe
Judi: starring The Closer?
This door just confessed, y'all

This door just confessed, y'all

just great
Beal: which now reminds me
i need to finish watching the profiler
Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

do you watch weeds?
Judi: no i don’t have The Showtime
i’m still plowing through Alias on Netflix
Beal: have you dvd’d it at all?

its one of my faves, like top five easy
Judi: i heard the last season hasn’t been as good though
care to comment?
Beal: and i just watched all 4 seasons in two weeks
the fourth season, they really blew shit out of the water
it’s kind of a different show than it once was, but they obviously have to keep like, one upping, cause there can’t be four seasons of “suburban widow sells dime bags”
season 3 is the best (i’ve watched 1-3 probably 5 times)
but 4 is cool because she gets involved in bigger crimes, which is the only way the show could keep going
Judi: hmmmm
i enjoy MLP
Mary Louise Parker

Mary Louise Parker

love her
Judi: “Boys on the Side” was on the other day

can i just say
the scene where she takes control of the nick situation is maybe the most brilliant in shitty-movie history
Beal: i would have to rewatch to comment
been a long as time
Judi: so so good
she’s dressed like a real estate agent and just comes in and handles everything
as if someone is freaking out over spilling something on the couch instead of a drugged out maniac beating up Drew Barrymore
Beal: then you would love weeds

Judi: ok done
Beal: that’s kind of her character
she like, enters a super fucked up situation, and she handles it like someone broke a plate
but then sometimes, when shit really hits the fan, she has like, really great like meltdowns, that are always very rational and you like, really feel for her
she’s great
Judi: ok i’m with you
man, thank god for netflix
Beal: i don’t have it
Judi: uh oh
Netflix will let me watch Weeds season 1 and 2 on my computer
this could be a problem
Beal: DO IT
you’ll fall in LOVE
it has really great characters in it, which is actually why i like it
fuckin Kevin Nealon is great
Judi: wow i never thought i would ever hear anyone say that about kevin nealon
Beal: and elizabeth perkins
she really takes the cake
Judi: i LOVE elizabeth perkins
randomly enough
Beal: oh my god, judi, a must watch then
Indian Summer???
Beal: YES!
Judi: liz and i JUST watched that!
Beal: no one else has ever seen it!
but fuck
it has perkins
and diane lane
kimberly williams
its terrible
but great
alan fuckin arkin
i OWN indian summer
Judi: i said to liz- “i wonder if diane lane and elizabeth perkins were excited to work together again on ‘must love dogs’
and liz said, “I’m worried about you for so many reasons.”
WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there?

WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there? Oh wait. Are they IN the movie?

Judi: ok seriously that’s just fucked up
Beal: i was like, “oh, i bet they’re friends from indian summer”
i have to go to work
Judi: You got a job?
Beal is offline…

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