Archive for the ‘X-Files’ Category

by Beal

5. Desperate Housewives – Bree’s Pretend Pregnancy – Season 4 (2007)

Choosing which plot line on Desperate Housewives is the most ludicrous is like trying to decide which former child star is the most fucked up:  They’re all strong contenders. Still time and time again the Van de Kamp family sets themselves apart from the usual ridiculousness that goes down on Wisteria Lane. When Danielle gets knocked up by Julie Mayer’s boyfriend, Bree and second husband Orson Hodge (Trey McDougal from SATC) decide to revert to the 1950’s and hide Danielle away at some pregnant teens facility. In the mean time, Bree fakes a pregnancy so that when Danielle’s child is born, all the neighbors will think it is her and Orson’s natural born son. Things get zany when super pregnant Danielle shows up at a Halloween party (her costume, a real hit, is pregnant Bree Van de Kamp) and goes into labor. Less than a season later, everyone knows the truth and I’m still annoyed that Marc Cherry and his team covered up Marcia Cross’s real life pregnancy with this completely asinine plot point.


4. The X-Files – Scully’s Pregnancy/Birth of Baby William – Season 8 (2001)

I guess when Agent Fox Mulder left the show and the T-1000 stepped in it was only to be expected that things were about to get (more) ridiculous, enter Scully’s mysterious pregnancy. The show established early on that Agent Dana Scully was barren. (Did she give birth to a baby Emily at one point? Thats a whole other story, but it might have happened).

At any rate, around Season 8, career driven single gal Scully decides she wants a child, approaches Mulder to donate sperm and proceeds with in vitro fertilization, which failed and was never re-attempted. Of course Scully is abducted shortly thereafter and bam, now she’s knocked up. From here it’s so absurd that I’m not even going to attempt to chronicle it properly, but basically William’s conception is mysterious at best. He might be the result of Mulder and Scully finally sleeping together (which, ratings-wise would have been best if actually aired), a standard alien spawn or ya know, a fucking “organic” Super Soldier created by a secret government syndicate that would be used as a slave race for colonization. 

As a baby, William was “cured” of his telekinetic powers, and then, to protect him, Scully obviously sent him off to live with some Christians in Wyoming. In the latest tragedy that was The X-Files: I Want to Believe, William was alive and well, living with Mulder and Scully as his parents. Go figure.


3. Roseanne – The Connors Win the Lottery – Season 9 (1996)

I don’t think I’m alone in pretending that the ninth season of Roseanne doesn’t exist. Everything that made the show funny (and it was damn funny) was eliminated entirely when in the final season, the Conners and Jackie won $108 million in the Illinois state lottery. So all of a sudden this relatable family we’ve watched toil through mundane scenarios for eight years, comically exemplifying the plight of the American working class,can afford pretty much anything money can buy? Oh wait, but so that the show doesn’t alter too much, we’ll have them remodel the INTERIOR of their shit box house and all live in the crowded splendor of this three-bedroom home with modern decor. Get right out of town! If I want to watch what white trash does with money, I’ll flip the channel over to Bravo and catch up with the latest happenings of The Real Housewives of Orange County. And also, hold on just a darn minute. Jackie dates a prince? Fine. I’ll buy that. The prince is played by Ernest P. Worrell? You’ve gone to far.


2.  Melrose Place – Kimberly Comes Back from the Dead/Blows up Melrose Place – Seasons 2/3 (1993 – 1995)

Michael Mancini and Kimberly Shaw’s (Marcia Cross, whose double appearance on this list is likely her greatest accolade) affair becomes legitimized when Michael proposers to her at dinner, she rejects and he gets drunk. In the car, Kimberly reconsiders and accepts, the couple kiss and wouldn’t you know it, they veer right off the road. The car hits something at a high enough speed to paralyze Michael and kill Kimberly, or so we think. This was not a cliffhanger moment, we don’t think that Kimberly is dead and when the new season begins, it turns out that she pulled through. No! KIMBERLY COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD! (I don’t think I need to remind you of the wig scene). And thank god, because who else would have blown up that apartment complex of iniquity they were all co-habitating in.


1. Beverly Hills, 90210 – Kelly’s Rehab Roommate Tries to Kill Her – Season 6 (1996)

Picture 1Any fan of Beverly Hills, 90210 knows that Kelly Taylor’s really been through the ringer. During the course of the show she was raped (more than once), sucked into a cult, burnt up in a fire, shot in a parking lot (which resulted in amnesia) and been addicted to both diet pills and cocaine. She’s good people though, so when her cocaine addiction takes over her life, she seeks help in the form of inpatient rehab, where she rooms with a young and ugly junkie called Tara. After completing rehab, Tara moves into the beach house with Kelly. And here’s where an already absurd plot line becomes completely preposterous. Long story short, ol’ Tara goes completely Single White Female on Kelly, which in no way creeps her out. Next thing you know, she’s wielding a gun, and rigging the car up for a carbon monoxide poisoning back-up plan as she and Kelly sit hand-in-hand in Kelly’s car, overlooking the canyon the car is about to plummet into. I submit, Aaron Spelling at his finest.

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I’m partly ashamed of exactly how I decided that I desperately needed to know what ever happened to Kelly Brown, but I believe the thought process to be nearly as valuable as the information regarding the whereabouts of Ms. Brown. Here goes:

While watching the Merecedes episode of The Golden Girls on the Hallmark channel last night, a commercial (not surprisingly) for denture adhesive came onto the screen. . .

OBVIOUSLY, this little ditty reminded me of a very special episode of Hey Dude! when Ted is leaving the Bar None Ranch and serenades his fellow employees to the same tune featured in the above commercial for Sea Bond– Bye bye Brad! Bye bye Melody! See ya Mr. Ernst! See ya Mr. Ernst! How I could possibly remember a 30 second scene for 19 years is a mystery, but not nearly a big of a mystery as I was about to discover when I began researching the cast of Hey Dude!

Melody (Christine Taylor) is the easy one. Apparently the only break-out star from the early 90’s Nickelodeon gem, Taylor married actor Ben Stiller and has appeared in dozens of semi-decent movies since Hey Dude went off the air.

Mr. Ernst (David Brisbin) has appeared on like, every show the 90’s had to offer from NYPD Blue to The X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ellen, Seinfeld, thirtysomething and more. He even did 19 episodes of ER.

Ted (David Lascher) ended up on Blossom, Clueless and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. And will likely play the role of the romantic lead’s best friend in my first Lifetime MFTVM.

Now here’s the mystery: What in the hell every happened to BRAD? DANNY? LUCY? BUDDY?

Not one of these “actors” ever worked again! How is this possible? Fine, these people weren’t the greatest thespians in the world, but come on! They couldn’t even appear as a suspect on Law & Order? I’ll give you Danny and Buddy. They clearly won some kind of Nickelodeon casting sweepstakes, neither of them were playing a role, so much as they were playing themselves but in a dude ranch setting. Lucy I could give or take, I never really identified with her because she seemed old. Brad (Kelly Brown) on the other hand, I feel like was a real talent.  

However, Hey Dude! remains the ONLY acting credit to her name. I feel like she was the beautiful, feminine 90’s version of Jo Polniaczek (Nancy McKeon who still appears somewhat regularly on television).

I am thoroughly saddened by the disappearance of Kelly Brown, and her absence from my television screen. Furthermore, it is upsetting to find ONLY the following information about her current whereabouts, courtesey of Wikipedia. . . 

After Hey Dude, Brown left acting, got married, and started a family. She is last known to be living in upstate New York.


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