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Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous Rantings’ Category

Apologies

Hi. It’s been 6 years. I just reread some recent posts and while I largely agree with Me-From-6-Years-Ago, I want to address something now. [Deep Breath] 6 years ago, on one of our Friday lists, I named Clair and Cliff Huxtable as my #1 TV couple. Obviously, this was before it sunk into our consciousness that Bill Cosby has a long and pretty consistent history of abusing women. So this entry must be unfortunately removed. But the rest of my picks still stand, Joanie & Chachi forever. (Even though Scott Baio is unhinged- you know what, scratch that, I regret everything.)

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All I wanted was to see the intro to “Phenom” and look at the gems I found instead (BRISCO!). Also, can they cram more familial discord into an opening than with Phenom? A downer brother, mounting bills, divorced parents, a kid who chose tennis over friends and a life, a buggy little sister? Brilliant.

Other notable mentions: Carlton Cruse (of Lost fame- what humble beginnings), a show about Hawaii with David Morse & Jenna Maroney? BRANDY on a show that isn’t Moesha? And Herman’s Head too.

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1. Why was everyone dressed like they suddenly remembered it’s 2010 and it’s officially time to start looking like the futuristic, alien versions of ourselves? In other words, LEATHER AND ROBOTS.

2. Has Cry-Baby’s Hatchetface ALWAYS been a member of Green Day?

3. Anyone else think that this Green Day musical will be the self-important sister child of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”?

The Grammy goes to whoever waxed Lady's GaGa

4. Strip off the clothes, makeup and set-dressing and Lady Gaga is basically Christina Aguilera. Or, to paraphrase some dude on Twitter, “Lady Gaga is just Christina Aguilera if she had discovered Andy Warhol instead of assless chaps.” (I added the chaps part).

5. Why do rock and pop stars insist on massive set orchestrations? And why don’t country music stars realize they NEED massive set orchestrations if we’re not going to fall asleep? (In country music’s defense- they still do duets, which is just the level of cheese factor I’m looking for at an awards show). And, hey chick from Sugarland- unlike the rest of America, I don’t blame you for chiming in on Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.” If it were me, they’d have to DRAG me off that stage. “I’m not going ANYWHERE. It’s like getting to sing at the top of my lungs at 2am at a Jersey wedding but instead I’m at the mo’f’ing GRAMMYS. YOU WILL MOVE ME OFF THIS STAGE OVER MY DEAD COUNTRY BODY.”

6. Taylor Swift? No. Just, no. (Stevie, this was beneath you. I was embarrassed.) All this nonsense about Taylor “writing her own songs,” as if that justifies her being a decent pop-country singer with FAR too many accolades to her name. I have a journal from 10th grade. If I make an album about it, will you shower me with awards too?

Hi, we're Kings of Leon and we don't know what we just won either.

7. Why are we still calling it “Record” of the Year? Because Grammy just can’t get over how funny it is when we ordinary folk at home turn to each other and ask, “Wait. Is record an album? A single? I don’t get it. Wait. It has to be a single. Right? That’s not the name of the album. Right? Oh, who cares. At least Taylor Swift didn’t win this one.”

8. I don’t care if Pink already “did this” at the VMAs. SHE IS SINGING LIVE WHILE UPSIDE DOWN. This is the performance-equivalent of Louis CK’s rant against people who complain about the Internet service on AIRPLANES. Jesus. Sorry she wasn’t thrown into a vat and re-appeared with dirt on her face. SINGING LIVE WHILE UPSIDE DOWN.

9. Really? CELINE DION? Really? Also, watching a 3D tribute in 2D? Lame. Unless that little girl in the rainforest suddenly pulled out a yo-yo. God, it’s like people have forgotten what 3D is all about. Is nothing sacred? (Best part of this is that Liz was convinced she had spotted Jennifer Hudson at Costco, in Chicago mind you, earlier that day. When she showed up on stage for the MJ tribute, Liz conceded it must not’ve been her. “People, I CANNOT perform at the Grammy’s without my Kirkland Almonds. Fine. FINE. I’LL JUST GET THEM MYSELF.”)

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John Stamos was recently “honored” with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame [extremely famous street where junkies and hobos alike, pee]. In light of this wondrous occasion, we at NTO would like to commemorate his career by featuring him this week’s TVolution. Ladies and gentlemen, a true American treasure, amrjohnstamos. . .

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NTO is taking a holiday vacay! Between the devastating celebrity deaths, stale sugar cookies, and Beal’s constant inebriation, we are just EXHAUSTED. I, for one, will be gorging myself on episodes of No Reservation, old Mad About You reruns and Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (ugh, don’t tell Tony about that last one), too busy with my TiVo remote and leftover holiday treats for any of this “website” nonsense.

Beal and I shall return to regularly-scheduled programming (Character Spotlights! Lists galore! Six Degrees!) in the new year. In the meantime, Happy Watching!

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Brittany Murphy

There have been a lot of half-hearted tributes to Brittany Murphy, who died yesterday at 32 of cardiac arrest (apparently, natural causes which makes me want to go out and buy a treadmill, stat), and it’s time to get something out there once and for all. Everyone seems to be under the impression that Murphy just kind of appeared, out of nowhere, as Tai on Clueless and then moved on to star in other movies that I love that normal people think are absolutely terrible (cough-Just Married-cough).

This is not the case. Devoted TV lovers like myself saw Brittany pop into celluloid 1995 and did a little happy clap. “The girl from The Torkelsons (and a dozen episodes of Sister Sister as a WILD CHILD) is in a MOVIE!” we whispered to our slumber party girlfriends, who rolled their eyes at us and went back to inhaling popcorn, too busy imagining what it would be like to have Alicia Silverstone’s hair to care about a show that lasted approximately ten episodes (actually 13, according to IMDB. And of course, in my memory, this show was on for years so go figure). Even as a child, I was so ahead of my time…

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Sorry about the silence around here. I’m battling a deadly disease (sounds better than “the sniffles”) and Beal’s life, it sounds like from Twitter, is basically unraveling at the seams.

Anyway, here’s a quick Round Up of the TV I’ve caught over the last two weeks and my thoughts because, oh, you are DYING to hear my thoughts.

Glee Fall Finale (Last Wed. 12/9)

Thoughts: First of all, kudos to FOX for brazenly creating a new thing- “the fall finale.” And we all just started saying it like shows freezing for months around the holidays isn’t a completely usual thing anyway. They’re called “reruns because everyone’s out shopping and putting on their winter weight.”

As for the episode itself, I seriously love this show and I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I’ve TiVoed back and watched Rachel belting out “Don’t Rain On My Parade” a dozen times since the show aired last week, the little gay man inside my straight woman’s body was doing cartwheels- CARTWHEELS.

Here’s my one problem- Glee is not the tightest-written show, as I’ve worried over before. They let storylines drop left and right (Artie and Tina- really, there’s nothing residual from that whole thing? And did crazy Terri actually tell Quinn she’s not taking the baby anymore? That seems like a HUGE hole) but this one just kills me. The Glee kids panic because the other teams stole their musical numbers for Sectionals, WHATEVER WILL WE DO? Here’s a thought- how about perform one of the DOZENS of other numbers you rehearsed all season long under the guise of a set-list for the competition. “Keep Holding On?” “Hair/Crazy in Love?” “True Colors?” “Jump?” You had routines and everything. So confused.

Top Chef Finale (Last Wed. 12/9)

Thoughts: Kevin was off his game and by the end of judging, I knew he was sunk. Just a heart-breaking loss for all of us who were a little creeped out by the Voltaggio brothers. I have to say, though, I think Michael deserved the win. His dishes were the best and he’s more innovative than his brother. Also, way to go for the cheap emotional hit by bringing their mother into the equation, Bravo. I could always count on you for the obvious blow.

So I guess we’re stuck with Michael “Blue Steel” Voltaggio. God help us all.

The Sing-Off (All Week on NBC)

Thoughts: My GOD, this show is terrible. TERRIBLE. Nick Lachey, as pleased as I am to see you working, you need to take your beefy hands off the mike you’re strangling and go back to making Vanessa some muffins, or whatever the hell you’ve been up to. The showboating, the jazz hands, the expressive facial movements that make my insides die. Last night, my friend remarked that all she wants is for the dude from the Police Academy to show up as a contestant, making all those sound effect noises and putting everyone to shame. That would be amazing. At least make him a judge next to Ben Folds and the King & Queen of Irrelevance. Judi says no.

“The Situation” and Snookie on The Tonight Show (Tues. 12/15 on NBC)

Thoughts: Snookie (of the now infamous Jersey Shore- like we needed yet another example of how MTV has turned from the cool older brother who lives in the attic and still has a sweet record collection to a $2 whore trying to get her five year old into beauty pageants so she could take her boyfriend Carl on that trip to Tijuana) admits she only likes guys who use STEROIDS. The Situation gives our Co-Co the best nickname ever (“The SOLUTION.” COME ON) And Italian-Americans everywhere, including myself, try frantically to remind everyone of the days when people only thought we were murderers and tax-evaders. So, yeah, awesome TV. Watch the clips here.

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