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Archive for the ‘Reruns’ Category

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by Beal

Turner Classic Movies is a wonderful channel that I so often overlook. Unless I’ve seen the movie more than 30 times (admittedly, I watch the same 25 movies over and over and over) then I can’t begin watching it halfway through. But how often do you need something to watch in 45 minutes? Never! I need something to watch NOW! Which is why I decided to record and watch later, a series of great looking olden timey films that TCM was offering up commercial free for my enjoyment. Last night I settled in to watch Network, a scathing satire about the power of network television. This multiple Oscar winner is as relevant today as it was at its release in 1976. . .

After watching Network your first instinct is to reach for the remote, and turn off the tube. But then you remember that it’s midnight and The Golden Girls is on and then you decide that being acutely aware of what television will do to my brain is enough and that taking action would be absurd. Plus, it’s season finale time. I’m not quitting now!

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by Beal & Judi

Cybill-Shepherd_Full

Judi: OMG CYBILL

BEAL

THIS IS HUGE
season passing immediately
Beal: right?!!
that literally happened
i had a conversation about DYING to watch that show
and nothing i could do about it
and then, Lifetime coughed it up
Judi: it’s incredible
what else should we ask for?
i could go for some “Head of the Class”
hotc
Judi: ask for “Head of the Class” for me
maybe on…. We.
Beal: okay
i’ll work on it
i like, for real can’t believe it
cybill!?!? where did that come from?
i watched it last night
JUDI, it’s fucking hilarious
they mock the shit out of LA and the people in “the industry” and their families
Judi: omg i’m so excited. i just season passed it and it’s set to tape like a hundred episodes next week
by this time next week i’ll be like “fucking cybill”

Beal: i have my dvr saving only 3 episodes
Judi: and that’s really funny that you say that about alicia witt because it’s EXACTLY how i remember her too

Beal: we might be the only people that do that
mrholland
Judi: “oh look, cybill’s daughter is in Mr. Holland’s Opus. Nice for her.”

Beal: and actually, i think you and i had a discussion about it before
Judi: did we?
Beal: i was like, “the daughter from cybil l was in it” and you were like, “oh.” didn’t bat an eye, knew exactly what i meant. i committed that to memory
Judi: hmmm
interesting
i’m not really surprised
a little saddened but not surprised
Beal: i think it was
because
i watched a movie in which she was raped
and it was a terrible movie anyway, and then like, what you raped cybill’s daughter, stop
Judi: i remember watching Two Weeks Notice and being like “wow, Cybill’s daughter has really turned into a bitch”
2002_two_weeks_notice_008
ugh that movie is so bad.
Beal: oh yeeeaa
btw
can we talk about real housewives ending
Simon’s final outfit
WOW
Picture 11
Judi: WOW INDEED
i feel bad too because Alex actually looked halfway decent
Beal: like, actually the most offensive part to me
was the like, scoop neck t shirt underneath
Judi: i’d have been pissed
UGH HE IS SO GROSS
Beal: SICKENING
i did love
that the final scene
he and ramona are obviously shithoused dancing like that
Picture 9

i loved that they almost forgot to give kelly her “award”
Judi: kelly might be the stupidest human being on television ever
and i’ve seen audrina on the hills
huh?

huh?

Beal: i would vote for her
Judi: they must be related
Beal: yea, “nooo judie
stop”
[frowny 3rd grader face]
eeewww sttooooop.
i don’t know how the fuck she got a degree from columbia

Judi: i’m confused as to why she dressed like a whore on her birthday invite
kelly invite

and then went dressed like she was going to pick up Bridget Fonda and the rest of the cast from Singles
 

wtf Kelly?

wtf Kelly?

 

Beal: i’m confused why she threw a party in her house and didn’t know anyone there
hahahaha
i LOVE singles
Judi: because she sucks?
singles is great
21d
Beal: top 10 maybe
Judi: starring The Closer?
This door just confessed, y'all

This door just confessed, y'all

just great
Beal: which now reminds me
i need to finish watching the profiler
Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

do you watch weeds?
Judi: no i don’t have The Showtime
i’m still plowing through Alias on Netflix
alias
Beal: have you dvd’d it at all?
weeds

its one of my faves, like top five easy
Judi: i heard the last season hasn’t been as good though
care to comment?
Beal: and i just watched all 4 seasons in two weeks
the fourth season, they really blew shit out of the water
it’s kind of a different show than it once was, but they obviously have to keep like, one upping, cause there can’t be four seasons of “suburban widow sells dime bags”
season 3 is the best (i’ve watched 1-3 probably 5 times)
but 4 is cool because she gets involved in bigger crimes, which is the only way the show could keep going
Judi: hmmmm
i enjoy MLP
Mary Louise Parker

Mary Louise Parker

Beal: LOVE HER
love her
Judi: “Boys on the Side” was on the other day
photo_lrg

can i just say
the scene where she takes control of the nick situation is maybe the most brilliant in shitty-movie history
Beal: i would have to rewatch to comment
been a long as time
Judi: so so good
she’s dressed like a real estate agent and just comes in and handles everything
as if someone is freaking out over spilling something on the couch instead of a drugged out maniac beating up Drew Barrymore
Beal: then you would love weeds

Judi: ok done
SOLD
Beal: that’s kind of her character
she like, enters a super fucked up situation, and she handles it like someone broke a plate
but then sometimes, when shit really hits the fan, she has like, really great like meltdowns, that are always very rational and you like, really feel for her
she’s great
Judi: ok i’m with you
man, thank god for netflix
Beal: i don’t have it
Judi: uh oh
Netflix will let me watch Weeds season 1 and 2 on my computer
this could be a problem
Beal: DO IT
you’ll fall in LOVE
it has really great characters in it, which is actually why i like it
fuckin Kevin Nealon is great
kevin-nealon
Judi: wow i never thought i would ever hear anyone say that about kevin nealon
Beal: and elizabeth perkins
she really takes the cake
elizabeth_perkins
Judi: i LOVE elizabeth perkins
randomly enough
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Beal: oh my god, judi, a must watch then
Indian Summer???
Judi: OMG INDIAN SUMMER
indiansummer3
Beal: YES!
Judi: liz and i JUST watched that!
Beal: no one else has ever seen it!
but fuck
it has perkins
and diane lane
kimberly williams
its terrible
but great
alan fuckin arkin
i OWN indian summer
Judi: i said to liz- “i wonder if diane lane and elizabeth perkins were excited to work together again on ‘must love dogs’
and liz said, “I’m worried about you for so many reasons.”
WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there?

WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there? Oh wait. Are they IN the movie?

Beal: SAME THING I SAID WHEN I SAW THE TRAILER
essentially
Judi: ok seriously that’s just fucked up
Beal: i was like, “oh, i bet they’re friends from indian summer”
alright
i have to go to work
Judi: You got a job?
Beal is offline…

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by Beal

The following incident is true, and amazing. . .

One evening last week, I reached the end of the proverbial television sidewalk. There was NOTHING on. A bad night I guess. No good reruns, nothing unwatched on the DVR and nothing even remotely interesting on the Freak Show channels (TLC, Discovery Health etc.). Seriously, I couldn’t even find a Law & Order spinoff. 

Of course there is always On Demand, which I perused and found nothing of interest. It too was chock-full of visual swill. However, as I was glancing through the free movie section one flick at a time, reading whom each movie starred, I came across something starring Ms. Cybill Shepherd. OH MY GOD I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO WATCH!

series239imagen1

Cybill!!! A mid-90’s gem starring, obviously, fuckin Cybill Shepherd (television royalty) as a washed up actress (herself?) who lives with her stuntman ex-husband and dark daughter (Alicia Witt–who I cannot separate from this role. Regardless of what she’s ever starred in, she will always be “the daughter from Cybill” to me) somewhere in the hills of sunny L.A. And Maryann!! Fucking Maryann! Cybill’s boozed up best friend and legitimately one of the funniest characters ever on television. She’s like the only American Absolutely Fabulous-esque character that ever worked.

Anyway, I knew I was out of luck. This isn’t the type of show they put on DVD nor the type of show you’d pay for if they put it on DVD. But I really really wanted to watch it. It had been years, and I remembered it being funny, but I wanted to view it as an adult who had recently seen what washed up in L.A. looked like for real. I even had a gchat conversation regarding this matter, and how much I wanted to watch this program, only to be regarded as sad and over-televisioned.

And then it happened, a week later, last night. I got home from work (don’t worry about it) around midnight, watched a movie and then began surfing through the channels. Staple networks like Hallmark and Lifetime always provide reliable/quality late night programming so I flipped the guide on over the to 50’s. Holy shit. Lifetime! You read my mind. You literally figured out what show I was interested in, and you put in on the air. Every morning at 8/8:30 a.m. and again at 2 a.m. I had no doubt before, but this truly solidified what I feared the most. Lifetime, I am your ideal, target audience.

 

P.S. The introduction of Cybill into Lifetime’s schedule, PROBABLY means that Lifetime  is trying to peak interest in this actress, because it plans on airing some great old MFTV’s (Martha Inc. fingers crossed) starring Ms. Shepherd. Also, potentially, hopefully some NEW ones, like THIS.

P.P.S. Moonlighting was a really great show.

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I have spent the past week sitting Shiva for Bea Arthur, and I think it’s finally time I quit mourning the loss of her life and instead, celebrate it, which I will begin to do right here.

bea

I first met Bea as a child, in the late 1980’s on the prime-time hit The Golden Girls. She remained in my life throughout the 9o’s and 00’s in reruns, which is likely why I was so shocked at her passing. To me, she was barely 65, living with her girlfriends, eating cheesecake five times a week and retorting wittily to any comment that crossed her path. 

It’s hard to believe that Ms. Arthur began her career as a lounge singer, served in World War II and brought abortion into prime-time as Maude, Edith Bunker’s liberal-ass cousin whom Archie hated. To me, she’s Dorothy Zbornak, a wise cracking divorcee who wears long blouses, long skirts and tall boots, who takes care of her sassy, purse-clutching mother and lives with her slutty roommate and a total dumbass. She comes into my home two or three times a day, brightens it and then fades into the credits until next time. 

I am deeply saddened by the loss of this legendary television icon, and I hope that if there is a heaven, that someday I’ll meet Bea in it. Until then, I will rest my chin on the top my flattened hand, and roll my eyes slowly and sternly to the right, annoyed that Bea and I will never star in our very own Two Woman Show. 

Bea’s passing reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of The Golden Girls in which Sophia’s friend dies. I’ll take a note from Sophia on this one, it will help in accepting the death of TV’s finest, the incomparable Beatrice Arthur. . . 

Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend. 
Dorothy: I’m so sorry. What happened? 
Sophia:  [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. 
[agitated
Sophia: SHE WAS 88! 
Rose: Well, it’s great that she was able to work right up to the end. 

 

REST IN PEACE PUSSYCAT. REST IN PEACE.

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christina_applegate_8192401

I wasn’t a Married With Children fan. I thought the opening credits were gross and even as a pre-teen, the show struck me as incredibly depressing. Plus I always thought it was also gross that Bud kind of wanted to bang his sister. And if I’m going to watch Ed O’Neill in anything, it’s going to be “Dutch“. End of tirade.

So, unlike the rest of the America, I didn’t really fall in love with Christina Applegate until “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead,” a movie that, to this day, inspires me to do a happy dance when I see that it’s on TV (which it rarely is. Can’t we trade in at least ONE of the playbacks of “What a Girl Wants” on Oxygen and sub this instead? It’s got a fashion show in it too!)

228708_height370_width560

Christina’s career could’ve gone the path of, say, Alyssa Milano who has done decently well for herself in her own B/C List way (And also was in one of my favorite crapbag movies ever inspired by a video game, “Double Dragon“, which is a post in itself. Bailey as super hero? Hilarious. Also hilarious- casting an Asian and non-Asian as brothers and thinking we wouldn’t notice. 1994 was retarded.) Instead, after watching her on Ellen yesterday it occurred to me that Christina somehow transformed herself into a moderately legit star. And I could not be happier about it.

christina-applegate

Fact- “The Sweetest Thing” is a great movie, it is and I won’t apologize for saying that out loud much less writing it. There are very few girl-buddy comedies out there and this one works, if only for the easy camaraderie between Cameron Diaz, Applegate and little Selma Blair.

Question- What exactly is that accent in “Anchorman” supposed to be anyway? Trying to figure it out is part of the fun.

Fact- Survived Dane Cook movie unscathed. Thank God no one actually saw it or cares about Dane Cook anymore.

Fact- Kicked breast cancer’s ass.

Fact- Was on Broadway in “Sweet Charity.” So MULTI-TALENTED.

Bringing us all the way around to the point which is- you should really be watching “Samantha Who?” There is no excuse for you NOT to watch it. Sookie from “Gilmore Girls” is in it. JEAN SMART is in it. I now feel justified in thinking the guy from “7th Heaven” is attractive, as opposed to feeling slightly guilty about it. It’s very funny and the concept is kind of adorable in a way that only Christina Applegate can make it adorable- a horrible slut wakes up from a coma with no idea who she is and now that she’s a blank slate, she’s the nicest girl next door ever… who constantly finds out what a bitch she used to be. Good times.

It’s on Thursday nights now and you can watch free episodes online at ABC.com. Like I said, you have no excuses. Go forth, watch and be happy.

– Judi

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On Saturday I helped my friends move. All day. There was talking and human interaction and a lot of physical activity involved. Therefore, I felt justified in wasting all of Sunday. So yesterday I did something I haven’t done in a very long time. I watched TV all day. Literally. And just in case you don’t believe me, here is solid proof.

million_dollar_baby

10-1pm “Million Dollar Baby” on AMC. I had never seen this movie. I want you to note the running time- 3 hours long. That’s because far from being the AMC of my childhood, the one that played glorious old movies commercial free, AMC has become a mainstream bitch and now runs decent-to-mediocre fare and plugs in about 7,000 commercials between movies like The Postman and Apollo 13.

wings-for-web

1-1:30pm- TiVoed “Wings” episode. Lowell’s mentor died and in tribute he finishes the plane they were working on together. I get slightly choked up. I get horrified that I’m choked up and then I check the calendar. I breath a sigh of relief. Not deranged, just hormonal. I once cried during a “Brady Bunch” episode. Sniffling at “Wings” is nothing, trust me.

iphone-wallpaper-alias

1:30 to 3:30pm- Season 1 of “Alias” on DVD, courtesy of Netflix. I think it’s kind of hilarious that “Alias” is really “Lost” meets “Felicity.” JJ Abrams is just right there in the middle with this one. Poor Jennifer Garner gets to kick ass like Buffy but then has to sit in her tub with candles lit all around her while some middling pop ballad plays in the background. It’s distracting and weird. Also, for a spy, she cries a LOT. Like, I get it- your fiance was brutally murdered but you’re a SPY. Victor Garber is your DAD and he’s Beyond Awesome. He’s also clearly unsettled that you’re so emotional and so am I.

3:30pm to 4:00- Break. Walk the dog. I would’ve ignored him but I really didn’t want to clean up his urine on the hallway floor. Would’ve been much more inconvenient for my schedule.

4-5:30pm- More “Alias.” I think Michael Vartan is kind of pathetic, all puppy-dog eyed over Sidney. Maybe he doesn’t know how hot he is. Is that possible?

1011974600__will_lAlso, Bradley Cooper, I know you’re in EVERY movie now but I can’t wait to meet you and embarrass you over your bleached blonde hair on this show.

5:30- 6:30pm- Two TiVoed episodes of “Barefoot Contessa.” Sadly, none of her gays are in attendance. I really, really want them to rename this show “Ina and Her Hampton Dandies.”

6:30-6:35pm- I die laughing at the fact that TiVo taped “Time Life Music” for me. It literally taped me a 30 minute commercial for Time Life Music of the ’70s. Then I stop laughing and realize that this is just how well TiVo knows me. I’m disturbed. I readjust myself on the couch and try not to think about it anymore. I then do a little stretching because I remember how Hillary Swank got all those bed sores from not moving enough on her hospital bed.

This is the expression I have when I see your movie is on, Elle. The beginning anyway.

This is the expression I have when I see your movie is on, Elle. The beginning anyway.

6:35- 7:30pm- A little “Legally Blonde.” I love the beginning of “Legally Blonde.” Everything until she takes the internship is top-notch. I could watch the beginning of “Legally Blonde” every time and not get over it, especially the whole section where she tries to get into Harvard. Well done all. (Another point for Victor Garber)

7:30-10pm- “The Incredibles” / Jim Gaffigan’s new stand-up special “King Baby.” Short text-fight with Beal, who refuses to watch the new Sandlot movie this week even though Luke Perry is in it. I don’t even know who she is anymore. I ate dinner somewhere here too but I don’t remember what it was.

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10-12pm- A few episodes of the “X-Men” cartoon because I could watch Cyclops yell at people for no reason for HOURS.  Interspersed with “Charlie Angels: Full Throttle” and I can’t even explain the appeal of this one. It’s so COLORFUL. The fight scenes are so hilarious and the air-brushing. My GOD, the AIR-BRUSHING. Why don’t they just peel Drew’s skin off altogether? And SHIA. And that crazy Irish dude who I am scarily attracted to. He walks through FIRE. This movie is amazing. I’m so happy it’s on but I can’t bring myself to watch the whole thing, not even for the chance to watch Joey Tribiana act in a scene with John Cleese or give Demi Moore the usual standing ovation for her truly SPECTACULAR plastic surgery.

Collapse in bed. Am exhausted. Check TV schedule for the week on my iPhone. Go to sleep, dreaming of good Gilmore Girls reruns expected this week. I hope “Heroes” is as middling-good as it was last week. Excited for new “Bones.” Angered that every new episode of Bones only comes every two weeks. Hate stupid American Idol. Wish “30 Rock” was slightly better this…year…snooze.

The End

– Judi

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