Archive for the ‘Top Five Friday's’ Category

5. Zack and Kelly from Saved by the Bell

No other couple exemplifies the early 90’s quite like Zack and Kelly. Whaaaaat was going on here? Sometimes they were dating, sometimes she was dancing with older men at The Attic, and sometimes Zack was secretly making out with Lisa in her bedroom (what a bitch!). But then there were those touching moments, like when Kelly couldn’t afford to go to the prom because her father lost his job (could you not have borrowed something from Lisa’s closet, I mean reeeeally) and Zack and Kelly danced cheek to cheek by the picnic tables out back. HOW ROMANTIC. I am forever scarred that I did not experience a cheesy Saturday morning love affair like theirs in high school. And let’s not forget that the SBTB wedding in Vegas, was probably the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen on television.

4. Carrie and Big from Sex and the City

I sort of hate myself for including these people on this list, or any other, but come on! What a trainwreck these two turned out to be. He was suck a dick, that you couldn’t help but fall in love with him, and he was rich, and charming and rich and then there’s kooky Carrie Bradshaw yukkin it up in her studio apartment, writing her little sex column, learning lessons about love and life everyday, and breaking them down into cute little nuggets of wisdom to share with the world. I’m not sure what this says about me (or all the other people who LOVED it) but my favorite episode of SATC will always be the one in which Carrie cheats on douchebag Aiden with Big, oh, remember, they fight in the elevator! And next thing you know, it’s a full on affair. Let’s not forget that he essentially left her at the altar though, which was kiiiinda assholey, but I feel like she deserved it a little, she is ridiculous after all. Fortunately, he won her over in the in with a fuckin shoe closet. Way to possess any amount of self respect, Carrie.

3. Kevin and Winnie from The Wonder Years

Man, how crushed were you in the final scene of the final episode of The Wonder Years when we learn that Kevin and Winnie did NOT end up together? I guess we’re supposed to move on and accept that they were merely each other’s first loves, but for the love of god, HUMOR ME. It’s difficult to watch this show now, because I no longer relate to EVERYTHING Kevin is going through at an INTENSE EMOTIONAL level, and rather feel a little bit uncomfortable about how IN LOVE these middle schoolers are with each other. And remember, (see clip below) when Winnie was sick and Kevin “took care of her?” When I was 12, if some kid had come to my house and entertained me whilst I was ill in bed, I would have surely wanted to punch him in the face. Drop off my homework and get the fuck out of here already, I’m sick and would prefer to be alone. . .

2. J.R. and Sue Ellen Ewing from Dallas

A lesser person probably would have chosen Pam and Bobby as the greatest couple on Dallas and those people would have been DEAD WRONG. Sure, Pam and Bobby’s love for each other is undying, but J.R. and Sue Ellen’s, is unadulterated. Theirs is a match made in HEAVEN. She a Texas beauty queen, he a rich independent oil man; he attracted to her good looks and well mannered persona; she attracted to his wealth and power. I assume they must have been happy together at some point, but not for long! He continued to womanize, and she couldn’t wake up without crushing bourbon, which made for incredible fights. And hate sex.

1. Lucy and Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy

Aaaahhhhhhh. Thank god I was not alive in the 50’s. If you think that the news of Brad and Jenn’s breakup was crushing, IMAGINE how absolutely devastating the In Touch cover with Lucy and Ricky torn apart must have been! “I DON’T Love Lucy!!!!” But, all the same, onscreen they were just the bees knees of couples (Fred and Ethel were pretty great too, I must admit), but something about her putting up with his bossy “do as I say” attitude, and his ridiculous accent and him putting up with her zany to the max slapstick antics makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I also like that they maintained separate beds.

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5. Roseanne “It’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays” December 15, 1992

What in the hell kind of snowstorm hits so suddenly and instantly that adults in vehicles CANNOT travel mere miles across town to spend Christmas together? I mean, Judi and I know was well as anybody about the harsh Illinois winter, but no amount of snow could prevent me from a fun filled family Christmas, unless of course the place where I was “stranded” was flush with liquor. All I’m saying though, is if Nana Mary and Bev (at their age!) can walk around the parking lot, unload gifts from a car and make it back inside without breaking a hip then surely a former Lanford cop/truck driver could make it across town in a sedan. Also, where in the hell did David’s kid sisters come from?

4. The Golden Girls “Twas the Nightmare before Christmas” December 20, 1986

Alright, you got me, snow didn’t necessarily alter the plot of this episode, BUT COME ON! The final scene, when the snow is falling outside the diner as these four smiling seniors gaze out the frosty window to reveal falling snow IN MIAMI, is just adorable. And we all know that an olden timey diner is the ONLY place you can go during a snowstorm, especially after you and your three roommates whose flights to totally different locations were scheduled at the exact same minute, in the same terminal, at adjoining gates were cancelled due to inclement weather. Well I should say so! There’s snow in Miami, and if that doesn’t ground ALL FLIGHTS, then I don’t know what in the hell else would, besides David Caruso or course.

*The calendars Blanche gives the girls in this episode, actually feature REAL nude photos of different crew members. Ohhhh, on set pranks!

3. 3rd Rock from the Sun “Frozen Dick” March 26, 1996

Ya know, this show has so much potential, and then French fuckin Stewart comes on the screen and I remember why I hate it. Still, a snowed in episode is a snowed in episode, and this one is as kooky as it gets. Where are these aliens from again? This show is incredible in that its characters can arbitrarily know NOTHING about a given subject because they are ALIENS. . . HILARITY ENSUES!!! In this episode, we learn that our friendly human doppelgangers know absolutely nothing about WEATHER. Seriously? I feel like before departing your own planet with intentions of secretly living on another planet, you would have done some atmospheric research. Is that even a thing? Point being, if you’re technologically advanced enough for unrestricted space travel, then I feel like you should know what in the fuck snow is. All I’m sayin.

2. Family Ties “Birth of a Keaton Part I” January 24, 1985

Wow. Seriously, make with the zany already. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if Family Ties hadn’t jumped shark already, this might have been the episode where it did, or perhaps it was the following season when the baby that Elyse births in this episode, is entering junior high. First off, why do sitcom families always have to PERFORM in local telethons? Do you know ANYONE whose ENTIRE family was roped into a forced performance in a telethon? (Besides the Tanner family?) And as if that’s not enough, in the middle of Mrs. Keaton’s ridiculous hippie acoustic guitar set, she goes into labor, and informs her husband to meet her at the hospital ON AIR. Ugh. Really? Am I still watching this? And wouldn’t you know it, a snowstorm prevents Mama Keaton from getting to the hospital and Steven from getting to the studio, or something? I don’t even know, because I’M TOO DISTRACTED BY THE ZANY FUCKING PLUMBER to absorb anything else in the episode. Lord. Did a bucket of water really just fall through the ceiling while that fat fuck was vegging out on the couch? Hilarious.

1. Cheers “Tan ‘N’ Wash” November 6, 1986

This is possibly my favorite episode of Cheers EVER. In this classic business deal switcheroo, switcherooo, switcherooo (that’s right, I think there were three switcheroos), Norm gets the gang in on a sweet sweet business deal: a combination tanning salon/ laundromat. (Actually, that’s a fairly brilliant business, Norm). At first, NO ONE comes, and everyone but Norm pulls out of this super sweet deal. But wait! [SHOCKER!] A major snowstorm hits Boston, and all its residents rush into the Tan-N-Wash to get a tan, and possibly wash their clothes. Thank god for that snowstorm, Norm is rolling in the dough, as the gang mopes around about pulling out of the deal too soon and losing out on these crazy profits! But WAIT! Norm DIDN’T TAKE THEM OUT OF THE DEAL AFTERALL! EVERYONE IS RICH! But wait!!!!!!!! There’s too much snow! And the building collapses. Next week on Cheers no one mentions their failed business venture, the snowstorm, or why Woody’s tan has magically disappeared.

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Oh, snow. You crafty bastard. Always using your wiles in the most inconvenient ways. You show yourself at the most inopportune times, blanketing our fake towns in fluffy white mush (that is CLEARLY not real snow), stranding our favorite fictional characters in cars and cabins and forcing dramatic, and sometimes hilarious, confrontations. You are cold, you are ruthless, you are unforgiving.

Keep up the good work.

5. My Boys “Madder of Degrees” (2009)

Ok, so TECHNICALLY this episode of the cable series is about what happens when a heatwave hits during a typically brutal Chicago winter but, in this case, I think it works since the absence of snow, really, is the device used here. Also, it’s -5 in Chicago right now and the very notion of a day when it’s suddenly warm enough to wear SHORTS and eat ICE CREAM makes me want to recite all of the episode’s lines by memory. I mean, it’s so cold that you actually have a moment, while walking outside, where you wonder if maybe you should just give up, if you should just lie down on the snowy sidewalk and let the cold take you. You wish for death, basically. I’m not even kidding. That’s how cold it is right now.

So yes, when PJ states that a warm day during a Chicago winter leads to 24 hours of temporary INSANITY, believe her. It’s the truth. Chicago winter will make you do insane things. Like spontaneously getting a super-nice condo with the guy you’ve only been dating for three months. Or getting a dog. And a Jeep. With no windows.

4. How I Met Your Mother “Three Days of Snow” (2009)

I just re-read the description of what happens in this episode and am amazed, once more, by how much plot HIMYM can cram into 22 minutes of air time. Basically, it boils down to Ted and Barney getting to man the bar in a blizzard (which goes great, “it’s THE DREAM”, until it’s overrun by college kids), Lily having a bunch of hilarious run-ins with her old car service driver Rajit at the airport, and Robin and Marshall stuck in the classic “It’s snowing really hard so of course let’s get stuck in our car” device. Does this ever actually happen in real life? Or is this a result of all these television episodes being written in Los Angeles, where a dude in a Hawaiian shirt sits at his desk, trying to guess how snow must feel and what it’s like when it actually falls from the sky. “People must get trapped in their cars ALL THE TIME,” he mutters to himself and reaches for another Corona Light. Yeah, I thought so.

3. Gilmore Girls “Love and War and Snow” (2000)

It’s hard to imagine a list about snow without mentioning Lorelai Gilmore. Lorelai loves snow, to the point that she can SENSE when the first snowfall of the season is coming, dragging everyone (her daughter, her boyfriend at the time) out into the middle of Stars Hollow to enjoy the first flakes. She’s crazy. About SNOW. (God, I’m tired.)

Anyway. Though there is a lovely episode in later seasons where Lorelai and Luke battle over whether snow is the most magical thing on Earth or just a royal pain in the ass (culminating in Lorelai getting all grumpy about her former BFF snow and Luke feeling bad so he builds her an ICE RINK on her front lawn. He really would’ve gotten the prize for Best Boyfriend Over 35 Ever if he hadn’t, you know, hid a secret daughter from his girlfriend for two months.) I prefer the Season 1 episode, where a snowstorm forces Rory’s adorable teacher/would-be boyfriend of Lorelai to stay the night with the Gilmores. If only for Rory, who gets to display a LOT of awkward small-talk with her TEACHER who woke up IN HER HOUSE the next morning.

2. Alias “Cipher” 2002

Let’s all agree to pretend that 1) the last season of Alias didn’t exist and 2) Season 2 of JJ Abrams’ spy show is seriously fantastic. “Cipher” is one of my favorites, with Sid’s near-death experience once of her most harrowing, involving Siberia, some thin ice, an ICE CAVE and a creepy music box.  The ending succeeds with a nasty cliffhanger. Just watch.

1. Taxi “Scenskees From a Marriage (Parts 1 & 2)” 1982

Back to the old “car stranded in the snow” routine! This time there’s SEX involved. Hol-ler! Latka is sent out to rescue a female cabbie who’s trapped in the snow. Unfortunately, he gets trapped with her and that whole “body heat” thing comes into play. So, yeah, Latka gets lucky, his wife Simca is pissed and their only solution (clearly) is for Simca to now have sex with one of Latka’s friends. Alex. Resulting in one of the show’s best lines ever- “Now peel me like a grape so I can get out of here.”

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5.  30 Rock – NBC Thursdays 9:30/8:30

4.  Cougar Town – ABC Wednesdays 9:30/8:30

3.  Nurse Jackie – Showtime Mondays (Premiers March 22) 10:00/9:00

2.  Parks and Recreation – NBC Thursdays 8:30/7:30

1.  United States of Tara – Showtime Mondays (Premiers March 22) 9:30/8:30

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5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

I wonder how many times I’ve seen this. My guess is somewhere around 486 times, despite not having watched it a single time in the past decade, yet, somehow, I’m pretty sure I still know every word. That Dr. Suess! He was a clever one! And those pour little Who’s in Whoville! They’re Christmas was STOLEN right out from under them and they didn’t give a flying fuck, because Christmas is Christmas dammit, and we’ll celebrate whether we have presents, food and decorations or NOT! As a child, the concept was so above my head. It stressed me out endlessly to watch that damn Grinch steal the Christmas out of everyone’s home, like OH NO! NOT THE PRESENTS!! And again, in the end, when we learn that Christmas isn’t about the material blah blah blah, I was only relieved when the Grinch returned their shit. I think I spent the better part of my childhood fearing that some local meth-head would sneak into my home, and steal my Christmas, only I wouldn’t have a whole town of ADORABLE Christmas loving songsters to stand around the town square and belt out Christmas carols with, but rather an angry Sheriff in my living room explaining to my parents that thieves RARELY think better of their actions upon viewing a rousing rendition of a Christmas standard.

4. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (animated) (1974)

My love of this animated Christmas special is about to speak volumes about how culturally void my life was as a child. THIS WAS the ONLY version of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas I was even aware of until roughly fourth grade. I remember a teacher reciting the poem (is it a poem or a story?) in elementary school and me thinking, “Wait just a damn minute. What happened to the mice?” I’m still confused. What the hell does one have to do with the other? What IS this story? The narrator/the human (again, confusion) starts out with your classic “Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse” and then a mouse enters the scene, admits that he is in fact stirring, and then takes us back in time to the beginning of the broken clock/Santa doesn’t exist/why the fuck does every human have a mouse assistant hairbrained story. That said. I LOVE this animated special.

3.  The Glo Friends Save Christmas (1985)

This is one of those specials whose most memorable viewing was during a bout with the stomach flu (or home made fudge overdose, which I THOUGHT was the flu EVERY year until about 2003) so despite loving it, the mere thought of it also makes me totally nauseous (and curiously nostalgic for a Hello Kitty cup with matching lid and crazy straw). As for the plot. I have no clue what actually happens, but there’s a lady who wears a purple fox as a scarf who somehow prevents Santa Claus from reaching the world of the Glo friends, also known as the Glo WORMS and that crazy looking giant teradactyl glo animal they hang out with.

2. Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special (1988)

Is this Christmas special even real? It can’t possibly be. Imagine some shit like this going down today. It’s like the greatest hodge podge of cameos ever created! I mean, when was the last time you saw Joan Rivers, CHARO, Oprah, Whoopi, Annette Funicello, LITTLE RICHARD, Magic Johnson, Zsa Zsa Gabor and K.D. Lang in one place?? I struggle to even comprehend the modern day equivalent!! My favorite part however, is the song by those kitschy olden timey triplets (the Del Rubios)!!!! Nothing says Christmas quite like novelty multiples on ice! I’ve seriously never seen anything so wonderful in my life. Those tiny guitars! Those ridiculous hot-pants! Their mild speech impediments! Those boots! Those hose! The synchronized walking spin moves! And how bout that hairdo! Or the purple eye shadow! Here, get a load of this. . .

1. 24 HOURS of A Christmas Story (1983)

That’s right. I break the rules EVERY week. Oh this is a movie you say? Well, it WAS a movie, but by airing it consecutively for 24 hours in a row, it becomes a Christmas SPECIAL. See the difference? I thought so. Back in the day (I’m talking late 80’s early 90’s) TBS peddled the shit out of this movie. Ingrained in my brain is the part where Santa kicks Ralphie in the head down the slide at the department store, a part that frightened me so much that I never ventured to watch this gem until the sixth grade, at which point I fell in LOVE. When TNT began airing it for 24 hours beginning on Christmas Eve and lasting halfway through Christmas day, I began tuning my television to channel 27 first during holiday celebrations on Christmas Eve evening at my grandparent’s house, and then in my room until I fell asleep at night. Seriously, I cannot think of a single Christmas Eve since this tradition began that I didn’t fall asleep trying to keep my eyes open just long enough to catch a glimpse of Ralphie in that ridiculous bunny costume. Although my favorite part (which I believe to also be the most underrated/unnoticed part) is when he and Randy are waiting in line to see Santa and that retarded  kid behind them asks if they like the Wizard of Oz. Watch for it next time, after all, you’ll have like 14 chances in less than 24 hours, and with DVR, probably more.

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Ohhh The CHRISTMAS episode. Will it be heartwarming? Will it remind me of how important family and friends are? Will I learn that expensive presents and lavish parties should take a back seat to helping mankind? Or for once, will I be glad I’m not a fiasco/tragedy/calamity prone TV family whose belief in the spirit of Christmas saves the day, but instead one of those people who spend Christmas in a bar?

5.  The Golden Girls “Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas” December 16, 1989

Why don’t any of the girls’ children/grandchildren visit them on Christmas? For heaven’s sake! If my grandmother frequented the Rusty Anchor, lived in a house with three other old coots in MIAMI I wouldn’t miss a Christmas with her if my life depended on it. However, if their families had come to town, then they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to spend the holiday serving homeless people Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen, because we all know, nothing strokes the Christmas spirit quite like the homeless (please see: #4 and #2). In a comic twist, though, one of the homeless men lining up for food is Dorothy’s ex-husband (“Hi. It’s me, Stan.”) who recently became homeless when his latest wife kicked him out, I think for cheating. In addition to his marital problems, he’s also gone bust on his latest business deal, which was selling some kind of useless novelty doodad. (So let me get this straight, this man has no place to sleep, not a dime to call his own and no food to speak of, yet he is storing hundreds of these piece of shit tchotchkes somewhere? I say throw them out and SLEEP there.) In the end though, it turns heartwarming, when Stan returns to the soup kitchen, dressed as Santa Claus and hands out his failed novelties as toys for the hobo children.

4. Saved by the Bell “Home for Christmas (Part I & II) December 7 & 14, 1991

Part of me would like to write nothing about this episode (special?) and let your remember it in all its glory all on your own. But I can’t do that. First of all, how does “the gang” continuously find employment in the EXACT same location? For the holiday season, they all get jobs at THE MALL. (The SAME mall where that hidden camera show followed them around the mall all night, whilst they were attempting to obtain U2 tickets). Lo and behold, a new teen enters the scene (exit Kelly as Zack’s love interest). When it appears as if she’s stolen a jacket from the men’s clothing store from whence Kelly works, she disappears. This is when shit gets interesting. So, the gang knows she’s innocent, and clear her name at the clothing store, but she’s still NOWHERE to be found. They all split up to look for her and a few hours later, Zack and his mother run into her at THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT. This is ridiculous. This is when we find out the she and her father live in their rusty ass hoopty in the parking lot OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT! Good thing this is a two-parter! Imagine what happens next. Yes. You’re right. That is what happens. Wow. I wish this episode(s) wasn’t such a crucial part of my emotional development.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Saturday, December 19 @ 7:00 a.m.

3.  Full House “Our Very First Christmas Show” December 16, 1988

Do you know how hard I laughed the first time I saw this episode? When everyone is waking up after being snowed in on Christmas Eve at some low-rent airport and Danny (or was it Jesse? Joey?) had fallen asleep on the luggage conveyer belt that rotated inside to outside all night long and now he is all covered in SNOW!! I was five and it was the moment I fell in love with sitcoms. THIS IS ABSURD. I am five years old and I am fully aware that this is absolutely ludicrous. I LOVE it. When the Tanner’s head for Colorado (and not-yet-Aunt Becky to Nebraska) for the holidays, they find themselves grounded in some rinky-dink airport terminal on Christmas Eve with about a thousand other people who don’t seem amused by Tanner family antics. Of course Stephanie is all worked up about whether or not Santa will be able to find her (which I think involves a comical scene inside a phone booth) and Joey dresses up like the old jelly belly to appease her. And then I think it alludes to the REAL Santa making an appearance in the airport. I don’t remember, I was too busy refusing to accept the plot line of this program to worry about whether or not Santa Claus was real.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family on December 18 @ 3:00 p.m.

2.  My So-Called Life “So-Called Angels” December 22, 1994

Yes, I did Photoshop that Santa hat on Rickie Vasquez. Why? Because without a little bit of Christmas cheer and humor, this episode will RUIN your Christmas. Like I said, it wouldn’t be Christmas without the homeless, but this show takes it to A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! Dear god this episode is tragic. Remember? Rickie had been living with the Chase’s (after being abused and abandoned by his own family) and getting along just great, until he overheard Patty the Bitch questioning Graham about how long Rickie should stay with them. Next thing you know, Rickie makes up a lie and is HOMELESS! DURING CHRISTMAS BREAK! It’s snowing out, oof, and there’s a homeless girl ghost who Angela gives her boots too and she sings and carries around a guitar, and confuses the fuck out of me. Awww, and then Angela runs off, to try and find Rickie. And she gets picked up by the police because she is in the HOMELESS TEEN WAREHOUSE when it got raided. All’s well that ends well though I guess. Patty finds Rickie at church, lighting candles and then I’m not sure what happens next because I’m too busy bawling into my oversized flannel to notice.

1.  A Very Brady Christmas “A Very Brady Christmas” December 18, 1988

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! From, the Brady's and their maid (front and center).

Alright, you got me. This is less of an “episode” and more of a “reunion movie” but well, fuck off, I’m making it my number one choice because I CAN. No other television event is so uselessly etched in my memory as the the time Mike Brady got trapped in a slowly collapsing building that he designed. (Those pesky kids were probably horsing around at his drafting table again!)  Oh and on Christmas! What’s a Brady to do??? Oh how about WE SING HIM OUT OF THIS NEAR FATAL SITUATION!! Oh good. It worked.

Please note: This episode airs on ABC Family Tuesday, December 22 @ 1:00 p.m.

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For some, it’s the sight of disgusting egg-nog flavored drinks at Starbucks. For others, an embarrassingly tacky Christmas tree display at your local drugstore. But for me, the first sign of the holiday season is television’s stable of cheesy, holiday-themed made-for-TV movie fare. Nothing quite matches seeing a gussied up Kelly Ripa (or an actress of her caliber/pay scale) re-learning how to love her gruff ex-husband, just in time for Christmas and to their children’s great joy. And you can bet your wholesome bottom-dollar those little dickens are getting a puppy under the tree too! BRING IT ON, HALLMARK.

Enjoy any of these fine “films” with a hot beverage, preferably a cup of Swiss Miss (made with water, not milk, for an extra dose of crappiness) and maybe some CheeseNips and a handful of your mom’s peppermint bark.

— Also, I want you to go ahead and visit this page so you can appreciate how IMPOSSIBLE it was to narrow down the list to just 5 picks (10 with Beal’s). Making me choose between Dave Coulier and Christine Baranski AND Luke Perry vehicles? Why are you so cruel, world?–

5. Comfort and Joy (2003)

Why sit through the Nicholas Cage-Tea Leoni feature film The Family Man when you have a crappy, made-for-TV version starring Lifetime Movie stalwart Nancy McKeon? And DIXIE CARTER? It’s pretty much The Family Man except instead of Nick as the materialist-bastard-wakes-up-as-doting-husband-father, we’ve got Jo over here, who wakes up after a car accident to learn that instead of a high-powered business woman, she’s now a homemaker in the ‘burbs. But DIXIE CARTER. I would watch Dixie Carter and her Southern sassiness over Nicholas Cage any day, and apparently I’m not the only one considering his financial and box-office troubles. Can we put Dixie and Annie Potts in the NEXT National Treasure movie?

Please enjoy this clip that proves families are way better (especially around the holidays when cookies and cheery music is involved) than gobs of money and black satin sheets and, also, Nancy McKeon was apparently so rich that she has never peeled a potato. Hilarious.

4. Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)

Can someone please tell me why Melissa Joan Hart is so desperate to prove to her family that she’s getting married? First this and then that fake wedding movie with Joseph Lawrence? I don’t think I’m alone in thinking we’d get a lot more from Clarissa. But those are cute boots. And I’m kind of happy to see Mario Lopez get dragged on the ground, I’ll admit it.

So, MJH is a waitress who kidnaps a dude and drags him home for the holidays. All the women have wonderfully intricate and large soap-opera hair, Bobby from My Boys is in it, JUNE LOCKHART plays the dotty grandma and apparently George W. Bush is the dad.

3. On the 2nd Day of Christmas (1997)

I want you to revel in this with me for a second. Mark Ruffalo is in this movie. Mark. Ruffalo. He plays Bert, a dude who works at this store where con artist Trish (Mary Stuart Masterson) is caught stealing with her niece Patsy. To keep them out of social services’ laps for the holidays, he agrees to look after them. And HO! there will be romance. And you will want to a die a little upon watching this clip.

Mark. Ruffalo.

2. A Diva’s Christmas Carol (2000)

Oh, this one brings me SO MUCH JOY. “‘Tis the season to be nasty”! What would the holidays be without a horrible version of Dickens’ classic, completely over-covered A Christmas Carol? This gem provided our first glimpse into how deliciously bitchy Vanessa Williams can be and also introduced us to her trademark one-eyebrow trick, which she would soon master as Wilhemina Slater on Ugly Betty. As EBONY SCROOGE, Williams plays a pop singer who is certain to get a few lumps of coal in her stocking. Will a visit by three ghosts (one of them played by KATHY GRIFFIN? Best movie ever) change her spirits?

1. A Muppet Family Christmas (1987)

Oh, is it the part of the program where I get sentimental? This little muppet movie, made for the small screen in the late ’80s, has a special place in my heart as it’s one of the fine holiday programs that I watch every year with my brother to celebrate the Christmas season. It USED to exist on an old VHS we used to tape it off the TV, along with such classics as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (which really belongs on a separate list- holiday specials or something, in case you’re wondering why it isn’t represented here. I’m going with a sentimental choice for #1 because Beal already claimed The Christmas Toy), The Little Rascals Christmas Special (cartoon version. Funnily enough, we never actually watched this cartoon, only this special),  and The Berenstein Bears Christmas Special. Now, we have the little movie on a proper VHS but it’s missing some songs (including the home video footage of the muppet babies. COME ON. How can you cut that?!), forcing my brother to jump up and change tapes every ten minutes (because our old VHS lacks the beginning of the movie. A little more gets cut off every year). Confused? All this means is the depth of our affection for it, nothing more.

Last week, I’m pleased to say that we introduced this one, my favorite, to our six-year-old niece who seemed to enjoy it (especially the part where Miss Piggy gets blown away in a snowstorm).

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