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by Judi

I was relatively busy on Friday and Saturday so I made myself a deal and, yes, it’s not unusual to treat myself like a stubborn toddler. “If you play nice this weekend, I promise you can watch TV all day on Sunday.” So, that’s what I did. I played nice and then I ended up here.

Library - 2330

(In other excellent news, I discovered that there’s an iPhone application that’s kind of like MS Paint. So now you can expect lots of crude renderings without my having to leave my comfy place. YOU’RE WELCOME)

I was so ready for Couch Day that BEFORE Couch Day, I set up TiVo to tape a lot of crappy things so I wouldn’t have to suffer through the indignities of live television offerings on the weekends (ie watching What a Girl Wants for the 7,000th time.) And it paid off. A look at Couch Day-

10 am – Wake up. Walk dog in blistering heat. Return home to air conditioning (seriously, is there a better feeling than to walk into your tundra-like abode on a hot day?)

11 am- Assume position. (See picture above). Pirates of the Carribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.

3603

12:15 pm- Wonder if the movie would’ve been different if they cast an ACTUAL block of wood in the Orlando Bloom role. Think difference would be minimal.

1:25 pm – Cleanse Pirate palate with an episode of Nigella. Crave omelette. Make omelette. Return to couch.

sam-merlotte1

1:55 pm – Last two episodes of True Blood: Season 1 on DVD. Fast-forward through the vampire blood parts because, seriously, ew. Pray nothing bad has happened to Lafayette. Worry that Tara has joined a cult. Know that Jason has joined a cult for sure. Sad because I think I prefer shape-shifter/bar owner Sam to vampire hero Bill but I’m likely in a minority there.

3:50 pm – Walk Charlie. Blink at sun. Wish I was back on couch. My stomach hurts, which is good in a way because it justifies my going back to my couch. But bad because it’s painful.

4:45 pm- Return home. Second Pirate movie- something about a chest. This second movie kind of sucks. Also, why are these movies THREE HOURS LONG? That’s a long time for ridiculous hamster-wheel swordfighting and it’s almost long enough for me to wonder if Keira actually wants to get it on with Depp. I know it’s Depp but have you seen his teeth in this movie? Girl, no. Stick with the block of wood.

last_holiday_xl_03--film-A

6:30 pm- Dinner. On couch. The Last Holiday which I first saw on an airplane, fine by me- it’s like the IDEAL airplane movie. It’s also not bad at 6:30 on a Couch Day. I like this movie too much, I think. It’s just so harmless and fun. She goes to this fancy hotel and just buys whatever she wants. What’s NOT to love? And My Father the Hero is the chef. And ok, yes, I know it’s LL COOL J but Ithinkhe’scuteandIdon’tcarewhatyouthink.

2365ku11

8:00 pm- The Pacifier. I knew this movie would be terrible and it was so so much more terrible/AMAZING then I had imagined. SO many moments of “What the fuck? THEY WROTE THIS DOWN! SOMEONE WROTE THIS ON A PIECE OF PAPER.” I love when movies are interactive.

Also, I love how marble-mouthed Vin Diesel is. There’s this scene where he’s trying to woo Lauren Graham (whose presence in this movie makes my heart hurt. It really does. Like seeing your favorite respectable actor in real life and realizing they’re a total douchebag. I feel slightly shattered and sad for her. Ugh. At least this was a long time ago.) and anyway he’s trying to sweet-talk her and it just all comes out so mush-mouthy. He can barely talk. For real. I almost put captions on my screen. Like, I wonder if she stepped away from him on set and wondered, “Oh my God, he actually might be retarded. Wait, why I am here?” Other terrible/AWESOME things- Tate Donavan built a massive booby-trapped state of the art safe in their basement? What? And Brad Garrett- is he kind of gay for Vin Diesel in the beginning? That whole scene felt like he was trying to molest him but I think he meant to merely intimidate. Then they think the emo son is a Nazi which would’ve been an AMAZING twist but turns out he’s starring as Rolf in a community theater production of The Sound of Music. That Vin Diesel takes over as director. Someone wrote this shit down on a piece of paper.

9:45 pm- Internet break. Checked email, blah blah blah.

cherie_j_ai_retreci_les_gosses_honey_i_shrunk_the_kids_1989_reference

10:45 pm- Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I haven’t watched this all the way through in YEARS. I check the year on TiVo and it was made in 1989. I throw up in my mouth a little bit. HISTK is twenty years old. I immediately check my phone to see what the cast has been up to and, as expected, pretty much all of the kids have disappeared except Ron (aka Billy from Big) and I’m shocked to see he’s been in things that I’ve seen and I didn’t recognize him. Losing my touch. By the way, in terms of kid movies- there are WAY worst movies to see when you’re eight years old. This movie still kind of rocks in a major way. Or maybe it’s just because I watched The Pacifier first and then wanted to douse my eyes in lighter fluid.

1:oo am- Sleep. What a long day.

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by Judi

A few recent musings on summer TV offerings.

More dancing, less crying...

More dancing, less crying...

  • I really, really hate these reality shows that force you to watch weeks of auditions and try-outs before they actually start the show. And do the episodes need to be TWO HOURS LONG? So You Think You Can Dance is a fine example as apparently FOX believes I have nothing better to do than watch both the contestants and panel of judges cry for two hours straight. Seriously, everyone was crying last week. My friend said it’s because dancers are basically theater students, trying to wring out emotional drama out of the smallest infraction, but I don’t care what the reason is. You’re a hot dancer. Stop crying. Nobody’s forcing you to dance on a very dangerous fishing boat or anything. Seriously, stop it.

kathy-griffin-eats-it

  • Is Kathy Griffin officially off the D List? Cause, I feel like she is. Don’t you? I mean, let’s bump her up to C List at the very least. When I feel defensive of Kathy Griffin over BETTE MIDLER, it has to indicate a change in the air.

tori_and_dean

  • I’ve completely forgotten to watch Tori and Dean this season, like completely. I think sometimes you need to treat crappy TV like a crowded closet. Toss your clothes in a pile and if you’ve forgotten you own it, get rid of it.
Wow, best caption ever.

Wow, best caption ever.

  • E! has responded to my Kendra post by playing “Adventures in Babysitting” this afternoon. And, quite frankly, the ploy is working. I think I love you again, E! If this were a summer blockbuster about tornadoes, we would totally be getting back together right now. (OMG Vincent D’Onfrio with your precious blond hair. I so prefer you as Mechanic Thor to your throaty overacting on Law & Order)

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Just Because

by Judi

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by Judi

I’m willing to put up with a lot when it comes to movies. That Matthew McConaughey is actually in the same bar as Kate Hudson just as he’s about to make a bet with his boss that he can make a girl fall in love with him to land a high-falutin’ diamond account. A blonde, white mannequin who not only comes to life but claims she’s an EGYPTIAN to boot. That the only way to survive the flesh-searing fate of opening the Ark of the Covenant is to just shut your eyes. That Julia Roberts and Richard Gere decide to devote themselves to each other even though he’s never asked her whether or not she has the Hep or the Herps.
As moviegoers, we give our filmmakers a LOT of leeway. Because you know what? The bizarre is sometimes so much better than contrived laziness. “At least they’re trying,” you mutter to yourself as two idiots lug a dead guy named Bernie around and no one’s the wiser.

And when they stop trying? You get this. A movie that makes me unspeakably angry.

Picture 1Go ahead and watch the trailer here. I’ll wait.

Done? Are your eyes bleeding? Setting aside for a second that Heather Graham can’t even smile convincingly on the poster and John Corbett has an expression of “What am I doing here when I could be in My Life in Ruins aka My Big Fat Greek Wedding Part 2?” and poor Jerry looks like he’s trying to crawl back into his mother’s womb. Take the movie as a whole- doesn’t it look like a fake movie? Like, remember those fake previews before Tropic Thunder? I feel like this should be one of them. This is not an ACTUAL movie, is it? It has to be a movie-within-a-movie. No one actually thinks that a businesswoman gets pregnant and throws up during a meeting is a fresh, exciting idea that’s ripe for hilarity.

Except it’s not. Which brings me to my plea- here I sit, wasting away on measly unemployment checks while you studio heads greenlight this bullshit. We all know this movie is going to fail, right? WE ALL KNOW IT. Heather Graham is basically surviving these days by somehow making theatrical releases that should really be seeing their world premieres on the Oxygen network. I think she might be some kind of enchantress actually. I remember watching her bug-eyed turns on Scrubs a few years back and thinking, “How did she get this job? Yes, her hair is pretty but has anyone ever seen her actually try to SAY things?” Writhing around on the top of a car in a Lenny Kravitz video is FINE but don’t shove her in a movie with Mike Myers and ask her to showcase her comedic timing. WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN?

So, please, Nameless Studio Executive. The next time her agent calls and is all “Heather’s available for The Trouble With Martha!” and you glance at the plot and realize that the movie is about a plucky ad executive who is super duper clumsy and needs to get married before her thirtieth birthday or she’ll lose all her eggs, just stop for a second. Stop and think about what you’re doing, about what you could be unleashing unnecessarily onto the American public. Then, grab the million dollar check that’s supposed to go towards making this trainwreck and write it out to me instead. I’ll take really good care of it, I promise. I’ll buy food and puppy insurance and maybe a new set of pots from Target and you won’t have to feel the wave of shame wash over you as you head to the supermarket checkout with your Crest Whitening strips and bottles of Grey Goose vodka and spot a pile of DVDs of your last movie in the $5 or less bin.

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by Beal

Turner Classic Movies is a wonderful channel that I so often overlook. Unless I’ve seen the movie more than 30 times (admittedly, I watch the same 25 movies over and over and over) then I can’t begin watching it halfway through. But how often do you need something to watch in 45 minutes? Never! I need something to watch NOW! Which is why I decided to record and watch later, a series of great looking olden timey films that TCM was offering up commercial free for my enjoyment. Last night I settled in to watch Network, a scathing satire about the power of network television. This multiple Oscar winner is as relevant today as it was at its release in 1976. . .

After watching Network your first instinct is to reach for the remote, and turn off the tube. But then you remember that it’s midnight and The Golden Girls is on and then you decide that being acutely aware of what television will do to my brain is enough and that taking action would be absurd. Plus, it’s season finale time. I’m not quitting now!

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by Beal & Judi

Cybill-Shepherd_Full

Judi: OMG CYBILL

BEAL

THIS IS HUGE
season passing immediately
Beal: right?!!
that literally happened
i had a conversation about DYING to watch that show
and nothing i could do about it
and then, Lifetime coughed it up
Judi: it’s incredible
what else should we ask for?
i could go for some “Head of the Class”
hotc
Judi: ask for “Head of the Class” for me
maybe on…. We.
Beal: okay
i’ll work on it
i like, for real can’t believe it
cybill!?!? where did that come from?
i watched it last night
JUDI, it’s fucking hilarious
they mock the shit out of LA and the people in “the industry” and their families
Judi: omg i’m so excited. i just season passed it and it’s set to tape like a hundred episodes next week
by this time next week i’ll be like “fucking cybill”

Beal: i have my dvr saving only 3 episodes
Judi: and that’s really funny that you say that about alicia witt because it’s EXACTLY how i remember her too

Beal: we might be the only people that do that
mrholland
Judi: “oh look, cybill’s daughter is in Mr. Holland’s Opus. Nice for her.”

Beal: and actually, i think you and i had a discussion about it before
Judi: did we?
Beal: i was like, “the daughter from cybil l was in it” and you were like, “oh.” didn’t bat an eye, knew exactly what i meant. i committed that to memory
Judi: hmmm
interesting
i’m not really surprised
a little saddened but not surprised
Beal: i think it was
because
i watched a movie in which she was raped
and it was a terrible movie anyway, and then like, what you raped cybill’s daughter, stop
Judi: i remember watching Two Weeks Notice and being like “wow, Cybill’s daughter has really turned into a bitch”
2002_two_weeks_notice_008
ugh that movie is so bad.
Beal: oh yeeeaa
btw
can we talk about real housewives ending
Simon’s final outfit
WOW
Picture 11
Judi: WOW INDEED
i feel bad too because Alex actually looked halfway decent
Beal: like, actually the most offensive part to me
was the like, scoop neck t shirt underneath
Judi: i’d have been pissed
UGH HE IS SO GROSS
Beal: SICKENING
i did love
that the final scene
he and ramona are obviously shithoused dancing like that
Picture 9

i loved that they almost forgot to give kelly her “award”
Judi: kelly might be the stupidest human being on television ever
and i’ve seen audrina on the hills
huh?

huh?

Beal: i would vote for her
Judi: they must be related
Beal: yea, “nooo judie
stop”
[frowny 3rd grader face]
eeewww sttooooop.
i don’t know how the fuck she got a degree from columbia

Judi: i’m confused as to why she dressed like a whore on her birthday invite
kelly invite

and then went dressed like she was going to pick up Bridget Fonda and the rest of the cast from Singles
 

wtf Kelly?

wtf Kelly?

 

Beal: i’m confused why she threw a party in her house and didn’t know anyone there
hahahaha
i LOVE singles
Judi: because she sucks?
singles is great
21d
Beal: top 10 maybe
Judi: starring The Closer?
This door just confessed, y'all

This door just confessed, y'all

just great
Beal: which now reminds me
i need to finish watching the profiler
Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

do you watch weeds?
Judi: no i don’t have The Showtime
i’m still plowing through Alias on Netflix
alias
Beal: have you dvd’d it at all?
weeds

its one of my faves, like top five easy
Judi: i heard the last season hasn’t been as good though
care to comment?
Beal: and i just watched all 4 seasons in two weeks
the fourth season, they really blew shit out of the water
it’s kind of a different show than it once was, but they obviously have to keep like, one upping, cause there can’t be four seasons of “suburban widow sells dime bags”
season 3 is the best (i’ve watched 1-3 probably 5 times)
but 4 is cool because she gets involved in bigger crimes, which is the only way the show could keep going
Judi: hmmmm
i enjoy MLP
Mary Louise Parker

Mary Louise Parker

Beal: LOVE HER
love her
Judi: “Boys on the Side” was on the other day
photo_lrg

can i just say
the scene where she takes control of the nick situation is maybe the most brilliant in shitty-movie history
Beal: i would have to rewatch to comment
been a long as time
Judi: so so good
she’s dressed like a real estate agent and just comes in and handles everything
as if someone is freaking out over spilling something on the couch instead of a drugged out maniac beating up Drew Barrymore
Beal: then you would love weeds

Judi: ok done
SOLD
Beal: that’s kind of her character
she like, enters a super fucked up situation, and she handles it like someone broke a plate
but then sometimes, when shit really hits the fan, she has like, really great like meltdowns, that are always very rational and you like, really feel for her
she’s great
Judi: ok i’m with you
man, thank god for netflix
Beal: i don’t have it
Judi: uh oh
Netflix will let me watch Weeds season 1 and 2 on my computer
this could be a problem
Beal: DO IT
you’ll fall in LOVE
it has really great characters in it, which is actually why i like it
fuckin Kevin Nealon is great
kevin-nealon
Judi: wow i never thought i would ever hear anyone say that about kevin nealon
Beal: and elizabeth perkins
she really takes the cake
elizabeth_perkins
Judi: i LOVE elizabeth perkins
randomly enough
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Beal: oh my god, judi, a must watch then
Indian Summer???
Judi: OMG INDIAN SUMMER
indiansummer3
Beal: YES!
Judi: liz and i JUST watched that!
Beal: no one else has ever seen it!
but fuck
it has perkins
and diane lane
kimberly williams
its terrible
but great
alan fuckin arkin
i OWN indian summer
Judi: i said to liz- “i wonder if diane lane and elizabeth perkins were excited to work together again on ‘must love dogs’
and liz said, “I’m worried about you for so many reasons.”
WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there?

WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there? Oh wait. Are they IN the movie?

Beal: SAME THING I SAID WHEN I SAW THE TRAILER
essentially
Judi: ok seriously that’s just fucked up
Beal: i was like, “oh, i bet they’re friends from indian summer”
alright
i have to go to work
Judi: You got a job?
Beal is offline…

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by Judi

zzzzzzzzzzzzzApparently, couldn’t live without Bea. Sigh.

If my childhood were an animated movie, it’d likely be drawn in the style of Don Bluth and there’s no doubt that Dom DeLuise would be narrating it.  Just looking at his list of credits on Wikipedia put a lump in my throat the size of two large cottonballs.

Blazing Saddles

The Muppet Movie

Fatso

The Secret of Nimh (this movie is fucked up and fifteen years later, I still don’t really understand the plot)

An American Tail (1 & 2)

Space Balls

Oliver & Company

All Dogs Go to Heaven (1 & 2)

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

A Troll in Central Park (which I will always remember best from that SNL skit when Will Ferrel’s James Lipton interviewed Alec Baldwin’s Charles Nelson Reilly)

 

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