by Beal & Judi
Judi: OMG CYBILL
Posted in Alias, Cybill, Dramas, Head of the Class, Miscellaneous Rantings, Movies, Profiler, Reruns, The Closer, The Real Housewives of New York, Weeds, tagged Alias, Alicia Witt, Boys on the Side, Cybill, Head of the Class, Indian Summer, Must Love Dogs, Real Housewive, Real Housewives of New York City, Singles, The Closer, The Profiler, Weeds on 05/07/2009| Leave a Comment »
by Beal & Judi
Judi: OMG CYBILL
Posted in Dramas, Full House, Miscellaneous Rantings, Reality, The Real Housewives of New York, tagged Alex & Simon, Luann De Lesepps, Real Housewives of NYC, Silex, Stephanie Tanner on 04/08/2009| Leave a Comment »
I just sat down to comment on the constant train wreck that is The Real Housewives of New York City, when I remembered that Judi and I had texted one another throughout the hour, in lieu of yelling these things at the screen. Instead of using the texts to prompt my memory of the revolting behavior of NYC’s upper echelon, I decided to simply type the text conversation here. It’s like a live blogging experiment, or well, blatant evidence that we both need jobs. . .
MB: I cannot even look at luann
JC: OH MY GOD i had to change the channel during that YMCA scene
MB: I can’t look ooof, its worse than the WORST stephanie tanner cringe ever. I might have to like pretend I forgot to get something out of my backpack
JC: Agreed. At least stephanie GREW OUT of that stage. Just painful.
MB: And goddamn, why do they all have bookdeals?
JC: I need to say something – I don’t mind Alex. That much anyway.
MB: HATE her. So so much.
JC: More than Kelly? More than Luann?
MB: I hate alex the most. Then Luann (who used to be my fave) then kelly. . .
JC: I hate simon the most. He’s disgusting.
MB: Filthy. He’s so terrible, particularly in the visually dept.
MB: Ew! “Flirtfest?” What a terrible word. Kelly just moved down the ranks
JC: She should be below the ranks – she’s INSANE!
MB: She’s totally out of her mind. And simon participating in an athletic should be forbidden.
JC: Oh god new jersey
MB: Alex is making excuses for simon’s skills. She is totally delusional at all times.
JC: I find her pathetic – she’s harmless and tragic. The ones who will suffer the most are her contractors and those frou-four kids.
MB: I feel dirty about that entire hour.
JC: I’m cleansing with a little jolie nostalgia – hackers is on!
MB: Ooh, can’t. I moved to rachel maddow for a break before Golden Girls begins.
JC: C’mon – angry lesbian journalist or matthew lillard in BRAIDS?
MB: I’m going angry lesbian. Skeet uhlrich and then i’ll change the channel.
JC: UM marc anthony is in hackers. As in J Lo’s marc anthony.
After a week of vacation (temporary construction induced eviction) I returned to my apartment ready to get back into my routine. Most people probably catch up with their mail, emails, yard work, what have you when they return from some time away. I, catch up with the DVR.
Nothing is better than a weekend television marathon featuring only new episodes of my favorite shows. I should have planned ahead though, made a game plan of getting through the 12% of the hard drive that recorded this week. Instead, I jumped right in and watched my favorite shows first.
Obviously 30 Rock was viewed upon first turning on the television and opening the “my recordings” menu. Next came Real Housewives of New York City followed by Intervention. Bad idea. Now I’m onto the chore shows! Are you serious? I have to sit here, pants-less on the couch for another whole day just to be caught up with Breaking Bad, Brothers & Sisters, New Adventures of Old Christine and the Lifetime Nora Robert’s collection?
Next time I vacation, I’m saving the best for last. No more television punishment. Must. Get. Through. Unwatched. Recordings. Wish. They. All. Featured. Liz. Lemon.
Vic: Why is Ramona dressed like a snack cake?
In other news, I hearby announce that The Countess needs to go to Tool Academy. IMMEDIATELY. I never thought I would take Crazy Magoo’s side on anything but I did last night. I actually sided with Ramona. I need a drink the size of my head right now.
Also, I think it’s funny that the chick in pink got arrested yesterday for slugging her boyfriend. I think she could really do some damage too.
I’m so confused. I feel like the producers/editors of this reality show totally turned on LuAnn. I wonder what in the hell she did. I mean, she’s always been a hoity-toity bitch, but it was sort of her role, and at least she didn’t make my body crumple up in convulsions every time she opened her mouth a la Ramona. But I agree with Judi on this one. Somehow at the end of the kitchen scene, I was totally on Ramona’s side. LuAnn essentially called her a whore, and Ramona calmly explained how “whore” and “going out in public with male friends” are not synonymous. Also, Ramona was actually being quite kind, trying to help Bethenny meet some new people since she had complained about staying in blah blah. Fuck you LuAnn, your husband IS an old man. And like I said before, you MARRIED INTO that family, so why are you so insistent that people respect and appreciate the De le Sepps historical contributions to our country?? It’s obvious that the producers want your “etiquette” book to fail, and so do I.
Lastly, I cannot, cannot believe that you tried to explain to Bethenny, your difficulty in overcoming being “an American Indian from Connecticut.” I doubt you’ve got enough Injun blood to qualify for a scholarship, that’s A. And B) Connecticut? Really? It must have been so hard being slightly tanner/taller, yet beautiful on the mean streets of Connecticut before becoming a model and eventually marrying for money.
Never has the phrase “money doesn’t buy class” been more applicable, than it is to Real Housewives of New York City. Are you kidding me right now? THIS is how you behave? On camera? I shudder to think what you’re doing behind closed doors, ladies. Honest to Christ, I cringe less when watching The Bad Girls Club or Rock of Love! That’s right, you LuAnn, Jill, Bethenny, Alex, Ramona and New Girl are TERRIBLE.
Let’s start with “former model” LuAnn. So, we get it bitch, when you marry a count, you become a countess. Well guess what? Last time I checked your mildly royal status is not applicable in the United States, so get off your stupid high horse (seriously, stop making me watch you at horse events) and accept the fact that you’re just as classless as the rest of us. Oh, but thank you for finally revealing that you weren’t really a “high fashion” model as much as a “commercial” model who did “mostly catalogs.” And, if “The Countess” continues to speak in the third person, Beal is going to drive up to New York City and burn down her townhouse.
Next up, Jill. This super-JAP from Long Island manages to be the least annoying character on the show. Let me repeat that. THIS SUPER-JAP FROM LONG ISLAND IS THE LEAST ANNOYING PERSON ON THE SHOW. Your best friend Bethenny however, could use a good slap in the face. Bethenny, quit trying to pass off current slang as your own “isms.” Just because you’re a few decades younger than the rest of these whores, doesn’t mean that you made up the word “chillaxing” or whatever terrible Hannah Montana lingo you’re using. Oh and your “skinny girl margarita” doesn’t so much say “I like to watch calories” as “I’m a lush.”
Ramona. Ohhh, Ramona. Are you freebasing crystal meth? Or has your “doctor” prescribed you some type of prescription amphetamine? Are you or are you not concerned that your eyeballs are going to pop right out of your head? Because the rest of us certainly are. And just so you know, your medication’s other side effects, specifically the involuntary convulsions and twitching, are not technically dance moves. You have no rhythm, or shame, get off the dance floor.
Finally, Alex and homo-Simon. What can I say about these two wackjobs that hasn’t already been said? First of all, you have two children, a few hundred thousand dollars worth of “wearable art” and season tickets to the opera, yet you’ve opted to live in absolute squalor. How about we return a leopard print halter dress or two and say, put a floor down in your home? And I’m so glad you made such a fuss about how ridiculous summer in the Hamptons would be, before you rented the shittiest house in the entire community. Seriously, I went to Myrtle Beach once and stayed in a place called the Happy Hotel, in which I guy was shot in the parking lot, and it was nicer inside than your sweet weekend digs. The word creepy doesn’t begin to describe you two, but I am so so so very happy that an online dating service matched you guys, because you’re literally the only two people on earth that could possibly stand the other’s company. Seriously, even your children are embarrassed for you, and they’re toddlers.