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Archive for the ‘The Real Housewives of New York’ Category

by Beal & Judi

Cybill-Shepherd_Full

Judi: OMG CYBILL

BEAL

THIS IS HUGE
season passing immediately
Beal: right?!!
that literally happened
i had a conversation about DYING to watch that show
and nothing i could do about it
and then, Lifetime coughed it up
Judi: it’s incredible
what else should we ask for?
i could go for some “Head of the Class”
hotc
Judi: ask for “Head of the Class” for me
maybe on…. We.
Beal: okay
i’ll work on it
i like, for real can’t believe it
cybill!?!? where did that come from?
i watched it last night
JUDI, it’s fucking hilarious
they mock the shit out of LA and the people in “the industry” and their families
Judi: omg i’m so excited. i just season passed it and it’s set to tape like a hundred episodes next week
by this time next week i’ll be like “fucking cybill”

Beal: i have my dvr saving only 3 episodes
Judi: and that’s really funny that you say that about alicia witt because it’s EXACTLY how i remember her too

Beal: we might be the only people that do that
mrholland
Judi: “oh look, cybill’s daughter is in Mr. Holland’s Opus. Nice for her.”

Beal: and actually, i think you and i had a discussion about it before
Judi: did we?
Beal: i was like, “the daughter from cybil l was in it” and you were like, “oh.” didn’t bat an eye, knew exactly what i meant. i committed that to memory
Judi: hmmm
interesting
i’m not really surprised
a little saddened but not surprised
Beal: i think it was
because
i watched a movie in which she was raped
and it was a terrible movie anyway, and then like, what you raped cybill’s daughter, stop
Judi: i remember watching Two Weeks Notice and being like “wow, Cybill’s daughter has really turned into a bitch”
2002_two_weeks_notice_008
ugh that movie is so bad.
Beal: oh yeeeaa
btw
can we talk about real housewives ending
Simon’s final outfit
WOW
Picture 11
Judi: WOW INDEED
i feel bad too because Alex actually looked halfway decent
Beal: like, actually the most offensive part to me
was the like, scoop neck t shirt underneath
Judi: i’d have been pissed
UGH HE IS SO GROSS
Beal: SICKENING
i did love
that the final scene
he and ramona are obviously shithoused dancing like that
Picture 9

i loved that they almost forgot to give kelly her “award”
Judi: kelly might be the stupidest human being on television ever
and i’ve seen audrina on the hills
huh?

huh?

Beal: i would vote for her
Judi: they must be related
Beal: yea, “nooo judie
stop”
[frowny 3rd grader face]
eeewww sttooooop.
i don’t know how the fuck she got a degree from columbia

Judi: i’m confused as to why she dressed like a whore on her birthday invite
kelly invite

and then went dressed like she was going to pick up Bridget Fonda and the rest of the cast from Singles
 

wtf Kelly?

wtf Kelly?

 

Beal: i’m confused why she threw a party in her house and didn’t know anyone there
hahahaha
i LOVE singles
Judi: because she sucks?
singles is great
21d
Beal: top 10 maybe
Judi: starring The Closer?
This door just confessed, y'all

This door just confessed, y'all

just great
Beal: which now reminds me
i need to finish watching the profiler
Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

Whatever, you'll always be Ashley Bartlett Bacon to me

do you watch weeds?
Judi: no i don’t have The Showtime
i’m still plowing through Alias on Netflix
alias
Beal: have you dvd’d it at all?
weeds

its one of my faves, like top five easy
Judi: i heard the last season hasn’t been as good though
care to comment?
Beal: and i just watched all 4 seasons in two weeks
the fourth season, they really blew shit out of the water
it’s kind of a different show than it once was, but they obviously have to keep like, one upping, cause there can’t be four seasons of “suburban widow sells dime bags”
season 3 is the best (i’ve watched 1-3 probably 5 times)
but 4 is cool because she gets involved in bigger crimes, which is the only way the show could keep going
Judi: hmmmm
i enjoy MLP
Mary Louise Parker

Mary Louise Parker

Beal: LOVE HER
love her
Judi: “Boys on the Side” was on the other day
photo_lrg

can i just say
the scene where she takes control of the nick situation is maybe the most brilliant in shitty-movie history
Beal: i would have to rewatch to comment
been a long as time
Judi: so so good
she’s dressed like a real estate agent and just comes in and handles everything
as if someone is freaking out over spilling something on the couch instead of a drugged out maniac beating up Drew Barrymore
Beal: then you would love weeds

Judi: ok done
SOLD
Beal: that’s kind of her character
she like, enters a super fucked up situation, and she handles it like someone broke a plate
but then sometimes, when shit really hits the fan, she has like, really great like meltdowns, that are always very rational and you like, really feel for her
she’s great
Judi: ok i’m with you
man, thank god for netflix
Beal: i don’t have it
Judi: uh oh
Netflix will let me watch Weeds season 1 and 2 on my computer
this could be a problem
Beal: DO IT
you’ll fall in LOVE
it has really great characters in it, which is actually why i like it
fuckin Kevin Nealon is great
kevin-nealon
Judi: wow i never thought i would ever hear anyone say that about kevin nealon
Beal: and elizabeth perkins
she really takes the cake
elizabeth_perkins
Judi: i LOVE elizabeth perkins
randomly enough
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Beal: oh my god, judi, a must watch then
Indian Summer???
Judi: OMG INDIAN SUMMER
indiansummer3
Beal: YES!
Judi: liz and i JUST watched that!
Beal: no one else has ever seen it!
but fuck
it has perkins
and diane lane
kimberly williams
its terrible
but great
alan fuckin arkin
i OWN indian summer
Judi: i said to liz- “i wonder if diane lane and elizabeth perkins were excited to work together again on ‘must love dogs’
and liz said, “I’m worried about you for so many reasons.”
WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there?

WTF are Rizzo and Dermot Mulroney (aka the Poor Man's Dylan McDermott) doing there? Oh wait. Are they IN the movie?

Beal: SAME THING I SAID WHEN I SAW THE TRAILER
essentially
Judi: ok seriously that’s just fucked up
Beal: i was like, “oh, i bet they’re friends from indian summer”
alright
i have to go to work
Judi: You got a job?
Beal is offline…

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24_simonvanhousewife_lgl

I just sat down to comment on the constant train wreck that is The Real Housewives of New York City, when I remembered that Judi and I had texted one another throughout the hour, in lieu of yelling these things at the screen. Instead of using the texts to prompt my memory of the revolting behavior of NYC’s upper echelon, I decided to simply type the text conversation here. It’s like a live blogging experiment, or well, blatant evidence that we both need jobs. . .

 

MB:  I cannot even look at luann

JC:  OH MY GOD i had to change the channel during that YMCA scene

MB:  I can’t look ooof, its worse than the WORST stephanie tanner cringe ever. I might have to like pretend I forgot to get something out of my backpack

JC: Agreed. At least stephanie GREW OUT of that stage. Just painful.

MB: And goddamn, why do they all have bookdeals?

JC: I need to say something – I don’t mind Alex. That much anyway.

MB: HATE her. So so much.

JC: More than Kelly? More than Luann?

MB:  I hate alex the most. Then Luann (who used to be my fave) then kelly. . .

JC:  I hate simon the most. He’s disgusting.

MB: Filthy. He’s so terrible, particularly in the visually dept.

MB: Ew! “Flirtfest?” What a terrible word. Kelly just moved down the ranks

JC: She should be below the ranks – she’s INSANE!

MB: She’s totally out of her mind. And simon participating in an athletic should be forbidden.

JC: Oh god new jersey

MB: Alex is making excuses for simon’s skills. She is totally delusional at all times.

JC: I find her pathetic – she’s harmless and tragic. The ones who will suffer the most are her contractors and those frou-four kids.

MB: I feel dirty about that entire hour.

JC: I’m cleansing with a little jolie nostalgia – hackers is on!

MB: Ooh, can’t. I moved to rachel maddow for a break before Golden Girls begins.

JC: C’mon – angry lesbian journalist or matthew lillard in BRAIDS?

MB:  I’m going angry lesbian. Skeet uhlrich and then i’ll change the channel.

JC:  UM marc anthony is in hackers. As in J Lo’s marc anthony.

——END BROADCAST——

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After a week of vacation (temporary construction induced eviction) I returned to my apartment ready to get back into my routine. Most people probably catch up with their mail, emails, yard work, what have you when they return from some time away. I, catch up with the DVR.

Nothing is better than a weekend television marathon featuring only new episodes of my favorite shows. I should have planned ahead though, made a game plan of getting through the 12% of the hard drive that recorded this week. Instead, I jumped right in and watched my favorite shows first.

Obviously 30 Rock was viewed upon first turning on the television and opening the “my recordings” menu. Next came Real Housewives of New York City followed by Intervention. Bad idea. Now I’m onto the chore shows! Are you serious? I have to sit here, pants-less on the couch for another whole day just to be caught up with Breaking Bad, Brothers & Sisters, New Adventures of Old Christine and the Lifetime Nora Robert’s collection? 

Next time I vacation, I’m saving the best for last. No more television punishment. Must. Get. Through. Unwatched. Recordings. Wish. They. All. Featured. Liz. Lemon.

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picture-11
Vic: Why is Ramona dressed like a snack cake?

In other news, I hearby announce that The Countess needs to go to Tool Academy. IMMEDIATELY. I never thought I would take Crazy Magoo’s side on anything but I did last night. I actually sided with Ramona. I need a drink the size of my head right now.

Also, I think it’s funny that the chick in pink got arrested yesterday for slugging her boyfriend. I think she could really do some damage too.

– Judi

 

I’m so confused. I feel like the producers/editors of this reality show totally turned on LuAnn. I wonder what in the hell she did. I mean, she’s always been a hoity-toity bitch, but it was sort of her role, and at least she didn’t make my body crumple up in convulsions every time she opened her mouth a la Ramona. But I agree with Judi on this one. Somehow at the end of the kitchen scene, I was totally on Ramona’s side. LuAnn essentially called her a whore, and Ramona calmly explained how “whore” and “going out in public with male friends” are not synonymous. Also, Ramona was actually being quite kind, trying to help Bethenny meet some new people since she had complained about staying in blah blah. Fuck you LuAnn, your husband IS an old man. And like I said before, you MARRIED INTO that family, so why are you so insistent that people respect and appreciate the De le Sepps historical contributions to our country?? It’s obvious that the producers want your “etiquette” book to fail, and so do I.

Lastly, I cannot, cannot believe that you tried to explain to Bethenny, your difficulty in overcoming being “an American Indian from Connecticut.” I doubt you’ve got enough Injun blood to qualify for a scholarship, that’s A. And B) Connecticut? Really? It must have been so hard being slightly tanner/taller, yet beautiful on the mean streets of Connecticut before becoming a model and eventually marrying for money.

–BEAL

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Never has the phrase “money doesn’t buy class” been more applicable, than it is to Real Housewives of New York City. Are you kidding me right now? THIS is how you behave? On camera? I shudder to think what you’re doing behind closed doors, ladies. Honest to Christ, I cringe less when watching The Bad Girls Club or Rock of Love! That’s right, you LuAnn, Jill, Bethenny, Alex, Ramona and New Girl are TERRIBLE. 

housewives_nyc1

Let’s start with “former model” LuAnn. So, we get it bitch, when you marry a count, you become a countess. Well guess what? Last time I checked your mildly royal status is not applicable in the United States, so get off your stupid high horse (seriously, stop making me watch you at horse events) and accept the fact that you’re just as classless as the rest of us. Oh, but thank you for finally revealing that you weren’t really a “high fashion” model as much as a “commercial” model who did “mostly catalogs.” And, if “The Countess” continues to speak in the third person, Beal is going to drive up to New York City and burn down her townhouse.

Next up, Jill. This super-JAP from Long Island manages to be the least annoying character on the show. Let me repeat that. THIS SUPER-JAP FROM LONG ISLAND IS THE LEAST ANNOYING PERSON ON THE SHOW. Your best friend Bethenny however, could use a good slap in the face. Bethenny, quit trying to pass off current slang as your own “isms.” Just because you’re a few decades younger than the rest of these whores, doesn’t mean that you made up the word “chillaxing” or whatever terrible Hannah Montana lingo you’re using. Oh and your “skinny girl margarita” doesn’t so much say “I like to watch calories” as “I’m a lush.”

Ramona. Ohhh, Ramona. Are you freebasing crystal meth? Or has your “doctor” prescribed you some type of prescription amphetamine? Are you or are you not concerned that your eyeballs are going to pop right out of your head? Because the rest of us certainly are. And just so you know, your medication’s other side effects, specifically the involuntary convulsions and twitching, are not technically dance moves. You have no rhythm, or shame, get off the dance floor.

Finally, Alex and homo-Simon. What can I say about these two wackjobs that hasn’t already been said? First of all, you have two children, a few hundred thousand dollars worth of “wearable art” and season tickets to the opera, yet you’ve opted to live in absolute squalor. How about we return a leopard print halter dress or two and say, put a floor down in your home? And I’m so glad you made such a fuss about how ridiculous summer in the Hamptons would be, before you rented the shittiest house in the entire community. Seriously, I went to Myrtle Beach once and stayed in a place called the Happy Hotel, in which I guy was shot in the parking lot, and it was nicer inside than your sweet weekend digs. The word creepy doesn’t begin to describe you two, but I am so so so very happy that an online dating service matched you guys, because you’re literally the only two people on earth that could possibly stand the other’s company. Seriously, even your children are embarrassed for you, and they’re toddlers.

 

–BEAL

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