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DVR Check In

In order of recording:

Girl Meets World (1 ep, new): I text my 13 year old niece while we watch this show. She’s coming to visit this summer and we’re going to binge-watch my favorite Boy Meets World and I’m not saying that a television show is responsible for the close bond I’m forging with my niece but what I’m saying is television is amazing and miraculous and perfect.

Cougar Town (9, reruns): I don’t know why I can watch the first 3 seasons of this show on endless repeat. I need help. This is the fourth time I’ve watched it. The TBS seasons (4 and 5) are garbage but the first 3 are golden suns on the Scrubs planet.

Key & Peele (20, reruns): I will, no joke, probably watch all of these over the course of the weekend and then 20 more will stockpile over the week and I’ll watch those too. My current theory is that there is a Key & Peele for every occasion. Which should give you an idea of how much I bring up the show at work.

The Pioneer Woman (19, reruns): I will delete all but 2 and the cycle will start over.

Inside Amy Schumer (2, new): This season was just not that good. It’s bumming me out so these will probably sit on my DVR for another 3 weeks.

Bob’s Burgers (11, reruns): I will watch all of these within 24 hours, obsessed.

Bones (1, new): Yes. I’m still all in. This show is 11 years old and unrecognizable from its first few years. Bones might be the closest thing I have to a child. And I have a dog.

Maya & Marty (1, new): Watching now, as I type. I have a few missions in life but “honoring the work of Martin Short and Maya Rudolph” is on that list.

Trisha’s Southern Kitchen (12, reruns, jesus): I will delete 11 of these.

Conan (1, new): I will look online to see if anything was funny enough to be on the Internet and then fast-forward to that part on TV because I’m secretly a terrible person.

UnReal (1, new): The only reason why I didn’t watch this immediately is because I’m savoring these episodes like they are gold-dusted cupcakes filled with edible diamonds.

Community (4, reruns): I will read the descriptions and likely delete 3 of these.

That’s half the list. Oiy.

Apologies

Hi. It’s been 6 years. I just reread some recent posts and while I largely agree with Me-From-6-Years-Ago, I want to address something now. [Deep Breath] 6 years ago, on one of our Friday lists, I named Clair and Cliff Huxtable as my #1 TV couple. Obviously, this was before it sunk into our consciousness that Bill Cosby has a long and pretty consistent history of abusing women. So this entry must be unfortunately removed. But the rest of my picks still stand, Joanie & Chachi forever. (Even though Scott Baio is unhinged- you know what, scratch that, I regret everything.)

5. Zack and Kelly from Saved by the Bell

No other couple exemplifies the early 90’s quite like Zack and Kelly. Whaaaaat was going on here? Sometimes they were dating, sometimes she was dancing with older men at The Attic, and sometimes Zack was secretly making out with Lisa in her bedroom (what a bitch!). But then there were those touching moments, like when Kelly couldn’t afford to go to the prom because her father lost his job (could you not have borrowed something from Lisa’s closet, I mean reeeeally) and Zack and Kelly danced cheek to cheek by the picnic tables out back. HOW ROMANTIC. I am forever scarred that I did not experience a cheesy Saturday morning love affair like theirs in high school. And let’s not forget that the SBTB wedding in Vegas, was probably the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen on television.

4. Carrie and Big from Sex and the City

I sort of hate myself for including these people on this list, or any other, but come on! What a trainwreck these two turned out to be. He was suck a dick, that you couldn’t help but fall in love with him, and he was rich, and charming and rich and then there’s kooky Carrie Bradshaw yukkin it up in her studio apartment, writing her little sex column, learning lessons about love and life everyday, and breaking them down into cute little nuggets of wisdom to share with the world. I’m not sure what this says about me (or all the other people who LOVED it) but my favorite episode of SATC will always be the one in which Carrie cheats on douchebag Aiden with Big, oh, remember, they fight in the elevator! And next thing you know, it’s a full on affair. Let’s not forget that he essentially left her at the altar though, which was kiiiinda assholey, but I feel like she deserved it a little, she is ridiculous after all. Fortunately, he won her over in the in with a fuckin shoe closet. Way to possess any amount of self respect, Carrie.

3. Kevin and Winnie from The Wonder Years

Man, how crushed were you in the final scene of the final episode of The Wonder Years when we learn that Kevin and Winnie did NOT end up together? I guess we’re supposed to move on and accept that they were merely each other’s first loves, but for the love of god, HUMOR ME. It’s difficult to watch this show now, because I no longer relate to EVERYTHING Kevin is going through at an INTENSE EMOTIONAL level, and rather feel a little bit uncomfortable about how IN LOVE these middle schoolers are with each other. And remember, (see clip below) when Winnie was sick and Kevin “took care of her?” When I was 12, if some kid had come to my house and entertained me whilst I was ill in bed, I would have surely wanted to punch him in the face. Drop off my homework and get the fuck out of here already, I’m sick and would prefer to be alone. . .

2. J.R. and Sue Ellen Ewing from Dallas

A lesser person probably would have chosen Pam and Bobby as the greatest couple on Dallas and those people would have been DEAD WRONG. Sure, Pam and Bobby’s love for each other is undying, but J.R. and Sue Ellen’s, is unadulterated. Theirs is a match made in HEAVEN. She a Texas beauty queen, he a rich independent oil man; he attracted to her good looks and well mannered persona; she attracted to his wealth and power. I assume they must have been happy together at some point, but not for long! He continued to womanize, and she couldn’t wake up without crushing bourbon, which made for incredible fights. And hate sex.

1. Lucy and Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy

Aaaahhhhhhh. Thank god I was not alive in the 50’s. If you think that the news of Brad and Jenn’s breakup was crushing, IMAGINE how absolutely devastating the In Touch cover with Lucy and Ricky torn apart must have been! “I DON’T Love Lucy!!!!” But, all the same, onscreen they were just the bees knees of couples (Fred and Ethel were pretty great too, I must admit), but something about her putting up with his bossy “do as I say” attitude, and his ridiculous accent and him putting up with her zany to the max slapstick antics makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I also like that they maintained separate beds.

On a personal note, this is a very difficult topic for me. Not because of the whole “oh, it’s Valentine’s Day and I’m single, everyone has love but me” (said in whiny Ricky Gervais voice) nonsense but because when I was twelve I had a little whiteboard and one day I spent hours devising lists upon lists of my very favorite TV couples. For real. Thank god blogs didn’t exist when I was a pre-teen or I would’ve had to name it “SHAME.”

5. Happy Days (1974 – 1984) Joanie and Chachi

The Soap Opera Effect

This is a legit thing. It’s practically scientific. The reason why your grandmother is obsessed with Days of Our Lives, Young & The Restless, General Hospital etc? Sure, there’s sex and drama and corny moments galore. But there’s also a very real, very visceral reaction to watching someone for years and years, especially when that someone started out as a child. You invest in that person without realizing it, you watch and watch and one day you realize they’ve grown up, right before your eyes. It makes you somewhat emotional, dammit, when they celebrate their Sweet Sixteen, learn to drive, get their hearts broken for the first time, graduate high school… and especially when they, in this case  Joanie “Shortcake” Cunningham, fall in love with the once goofy, gawky cousin of the super cool guy who lives above your parents’ garage. This video proves it. We love Joanie with Chachi mostly because we love Joanie AND Chachi. We watched them grow up, get together, break up, make up, get married. We saw it all, over the course of the show’s ten year run. (Also, it’s Scott Baio for God’s sake. That guy is ’70s, ’80s magic. That part’s not exactly rocket science.)

4. Dawson’s Creek (1998 – 2003) Pacey and Joey

The Perfect Triangle

I just actually watched those clips and want to die a little. What were they thinking when they wrote this show’s dialogue? Why is Pacey calling Joey a “woman”? She is SIXTEEN. I don’t even call myself a woman now, for God’s sake. Anyway. Step aside from Dawson’s obvious shortcomings and focus on the show’s biggest surprise. Clearly, Dawson Leery was supposed to end up with little Joey Potter (tomboy, a modern day Jo March, literally the girl-next-door). The first season literally threw Joey at his feet as she climbed through the window of his room, after a year of angst that only a bunch of 15 year olds can muster. So then what happens? Dawson’s best friend falls in love with her too. And when that best friend (you can hear the call PACEY! over the blogosphere whenever Joshua Jackson makes an appearance in real life) is pretty much the Lloyd Dobbler of Capeside? Poor Cerealbox Head doesn’t stand a chance. 

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997 – 2003) Buffy and Angel

The Beauty and the Beast

Well, so of COURSE the love of vampire slayer Buffy Summers’ life is a vampire. Of COURSE it is. Years before teenaged girls got sucked into the Twilight rabbit hole, before HBO had even heard of True Blood, sixteen-year-old Buffy developed the hots (it’s a ’90s expression, it works, leave me alone) for a 300 year old vampire with a soul. The show, in its smartest years, used Buffy and Angel’s relationship as a metaphor for the overpowering effect of first love (in maybe the most powerful example, Buffy decides to sleep with her boyfriend, for the first time, on her birthday, not knowing that the Gypsy curse of Angel’s human soul would be removed the moment he experienced a glimpse of pure happiness. So, yeah. Buffy wakes up the next day, all happy and in love… and her boyfriend has turned into a total monster. And you thought only Mormons could provide a subtle hint about the trouble sex can bring. Silly rabbit.)

2. The Office ( 2001 – 2003 / 2005 – Present) Tim and Dawn / Jim and Pam

The Kindred Spirits

Before there was Jim and Pam, there was Tim and Dawn. The settings may be slightly different but the stories started out the same- everyman Tim/Jim fall for their best office-mate, receptionist Dawn/Pam. Trouble is, she’s engaged to someone else. The beauty of how The Office plays what could’ve been a typical office romance is the dynamic between the two couples. Tim (it’s easier to stick with the first and greatest) is the Voice of Reason in this mad, mad world. He’s the one rolling his eyes along with us and wondering if everyone’s taken their crazy pills. S0, naturally he’s drawn toward pretty Dawn. She gets it. She knows everyone’s crazy. They speak the same language and in a world where you often feel like the last sane person on earth, this is crucial. It’s a lifeline. It doesn’t hurt when both of you are cute, funny, snarky and you let us all in on the joke. Of COURSE we’re rooting for you.

(Warning: this video will kill you)

(And the happy ending we needed)

1. The Cosby Show (1984 – 1992) Clair and Cliff Huxtable

The Perfect Couple

The following clip is ABSURD. Someone for Cliff Huxtable other than Clair? Please. TV has never gotten a pair more right than Brooklyn’s favorite Doctor/Lawyer duo. They’re smart, they’re playful, they fit each other like a forbidden hoagie with a bag of potato chips. There was no other way for The Cosby Show to end its eight year run than for Cliff and Clair to dance their way out of the studio. No other way.

Oh, 1993

All I wanted was to see the intro to “Phenom” and look at the gems I found instead (BRISCO!). Also, can they cram more familial discord into an opening than with Phenom? A downer brother, mounting bills, divorced parents, a kid who chose tennis over friends and a life, a buggy little sister? Brilliant.

Other notable mentions: Carlton Cruse (of Lost fame- what humble beginnings), a show about Hawaii with David Morse & Jenna Maroney? BRANDY on a show that isn’t Moesha? And Herman’s Head too.

It’s time to face facts, people. Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model have had their time in the sun. And that time has passed. As for Bravo’s meek attempts to recreate the shows, I say, “Nice try.” But Bravo will have to suffice for now being the home of cranky chefs and filthy rich, bored, bitter, out-of-touch housewives. And Jeff Lewis (LOVE).

Let’s move on, shall we? And why not go bigger? Why not go GAYER? You want bitches? You want clothes? You want drama? You want an endless stream of questions with no sign of stopping? Do you see where I’m going with this? Are you having problems following me?

RuPaul’s Drag Race. It premiered on Monday, Feb. 1 but I’ve TiVoed the first episode and am set to watch it tonight. Drag Race is the new Wednesdays, y’all. Don’t believe me? Even the website looks AMAZING.

Post-Grammy 2010 Notes

1. Why was everyone dressed like they suddenly remembered it’s 2010 and it’s officially time to start looking like the futuristic, alien versions of ourselves? In other words, LEATHER AND ROBOTS.

2. Has Cry-Baby’s Hatchetface ALWAYS been a member of Green Day?

3. Anyone else think that this Green Day musical will be the self-important sister child of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”?

The Grammy goes to whoever waxed Lady's GaGa

4. Strip off the clothes, makeup and set-dressing and Lady Gaga is basically Christina Aguilera. Or, to paraphrase some dude on Twitter, “Lady Gaga is just Christina Aguilera if she had discovered Andy Warhol instead of assless chaps.” (I added the chaps part).

5. Why do rock and pop stars insist on massive set orchestrations? And why don’t country music stars realize they NEED massive set orchestrations if we’re not going to fall asleep? (In country music’s defense- they still do duets, which is just the level of cheese factor I’m looking for at an awards show). And, hey chick from Sugarland- unlike the rest of America, I don’t blame you for chiming in on Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.” If it were me, they’d have to DRAG me off that stage. “I’m not going ANYWHERE. It’s like getting to sing at the top of my lungs at 2am at a Jersey wedding but instead I’m at the mo’f’ing GRAMMYS. YOU WILL MOVE ME OFF THIS STAGE OVER MY DEAD COUNTRY BODY.”

6. Taylor Swift? No. Just, no. (Stevie, this was beneath you. I was embarrassed.) All this nonsense about Taylor “writing her own songs,” as if that justifies her being a decent pop-country singer with FAR too many accolades to her name. I have a journal from 10th grade. If I make an album about it, will you shower me with awards too?

Hi, we're Kings of Leon and we don't know what we just won either.

7. Why are we still calling it “Record” of the Year? Because Grammy just can’t get over how funny it is when we ordinary folk at home turn to each other and ask, “Wait. Is record an album? A single? I don’t get it. Wait. It has to be a single. Right? That’s not the name of the album. Right? Oh, who cares. At least Taylor Swift didn’t win this one.”

8. I don’t care if Pink already “did this” at the VMAs. SHE IS SINGING LIVE WHILE UPSIDE DOWN. This is the performance-equivalent of Louis CK’s rant against people who complain about the Internet service on AIRPLANES. Jesus. Sorry she wasn’t thrown into a vat and re-appeared with dirt on her face. SINGING LIVE WHILE UPSIDE DOWN.

9. Really? CELINE DION? Really? Also, watching a 3D tribute in 2D? Lame. Unless that little girl in the rainforest suddenly pulled out a yo-yo. God, it’s like people have forgotten what 3D is all about. Is nothing sacred? (Best part of this is that Liz was convinced she had spotted Jennifer Hudson at Costco, in Chicago mind you, earlier that day. When she showed up on stage for the MJ tribute, Liz conceded it must not’ve been her. “People, I CANNOT perform at the Grammy’s without my Kirkland Almonds. Fine. FINE. I’LL JUST GET THEM MYSELF.”)